After my second day of practicing mindfulness, I have come to the conclusion that mindfulness is a major contributing factor to my mindlessness.
Yoga, today, as far as being mindful goes, was a joke. I cannot believe what happened to me. For the last two days, I have caught myself setting up for the wrong postures, but today I actually stayed in balancing stick on my right leg, hanging there not like a broken umbrella, but stretched into a perfect T as in Tom, while the rest of the class came out of the pose and was fully into it on the left leg, before the teacher pulled me out of it. She couldn’t get over how deeply I was in the pose. I had NO idea the class had moved onto the left side. Now, you might think this was because I was so deeply focused on what was happening in my body – you know – being really in the present. The true fact is that I was actually deep in thought about a box of Snackwells cookies I had bought the day before. I was thinking how I bought them for afternoon coffee and contemplating if this was a wise idea, when the teacher called my name and pointed out the class had moved on and left me behind. The worst part was that she held the entire class, for what is only supposed to be a ten second pose, until I changed sides and got into it myself. She said, “Don’t worry, they’ll wait for you.” Good thing red cheeks don’t mean anything in the hot room. ( Oh Joel and Donna, if you were ever next to me, you’d have fallen out of your pose laughing.)
Now that I’m noticing extreme changes just by trying to be more mindful, I wonder if I should keep pursuing this. Trouble of it is, the changes are occurring as a result of my resistance to it. Yes, my resistance. You see, all along I have been against it. I don’t really want to think about the toothpaste foaming in my mouth or the feel of the dishwater on my hands. For me, as I go about mindless tasks I get a lot of productive problem solving and planning done. It’s been an immense waste of time starring at the blanket over my legs – trying to stay in touch with the moment feeling its fuzzy warmth. I have always thought of my ability to mentally disengage from menial or routine activities as an asset. My household and yard tasks are more enjoyable and fulfilling than if I stop to consider the moving of the wheelbarrow across the yard. My ability to conquer brain flight was paramount to mastering the hot room. I don’t know. After trying it on for a few days, I’m not sure mindfulness is a good fit for me. I seem to be happier and function better in the land of mindlessness.
Maybe the idea of life being made up of drama-free, simple tasks is a bit boring and unproductive. To me, my mindlessness is not really mindless at all. It is imagination and thinking; the letting in of ideas, as Brenda Ueland describes in this passage from her book “If You Want To Write”. (see below)
I kind of like Napoleon’s “moodling about”. I think we should all practice more moodling so our own ideas have a chance to “come in and develop and gently shine”. Maybe there should be books and even classes on how to moodle more.
And so, as another day goes by, the sun sets on yet another mindless day, mindfulness is once again pushed aside – this time in favor of moodling, and…I have written.
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