Never Pushed Beyond

February 21st, 2012

Today one of my favorite yoga teachers suddenly rose from the black lagoon she’d been hiding in. When she first started teaching at our studio over a year ago, fresh from training, I found her difficult. Difficult at first because she was unsure of her dialogue. She’d forget it half way through the pose and start over leaving us hanging really long in the poses. With time and a lot patience on the part of us students, she mastered the dialogue and became a great teacher. One other problem people had with her was that she believed in a full 105-110 degree room with little window and door opening. Over the course of the year she battled with the people over this. Not openly, of course, but just through people sitting out, leaving, making excessive noises, etc., communicating “Open a window or I’ll kill you” through their behavior. She believes that part of the process is to learn to deal with heat and humidity and if you push yourself to do this in the studio, it will condition you to deal with extreme difficulty in life. I, along with my yogi buddies, agree with the concept. We just don’t agree with the extreme she pushed the heat on us. Anyway, over time she became more tolerant that we do not want to be teachers and experience the extreme conditions she experienced in teacher training. She became very generous with opening the windows and door, in fact, at times, I felt she was too generous and the sweat in my mat was actually cold when I laid on it. The thing was, that during this lenient period of hers, I grew to trust her that I would not be exposed to extreme conditions. I relaxed when she was on the schedule, and enjoyed her classes. (Even though I must admit, many classes I thought that it was too cool in the room.)

Then, today, she arose from the black lagoon. The heat and humidity were back to the same level I remember last year. One person even left. We didn’t get a door or a window until almost the end of class. I pushed through. I didn’t even sit out a pose. I had my breathing under control, but my muscles were tired and I could just fall asleep during each savasana. The teacher knew we struggling. She told us she’d been too easy on us and this is the way it is supposed to be. She said to trust her. She’ll give us what we need, when we need it.

Lying there in savasana I thought about the reason for a tougher class and had for some time felt the need for one. I thought about the lives of some close friends. These people overcame adversity in their lives that I’ve often said I could never have. Then I thought about why. It’s because their lives were one horrifically hard event after another, and they never stayed down or defeated, that they are now some of the strongest people I know. I didn’t have a hard life to teach me how to push through extreme circumstances when I hit them. In fact, I had a near perfect life. The few financial, relationship, and child problems I’ve had to face over the years were no where near hard enough to prepare me for the extreme. In turn, I protected my daughters, too, from being exposed to extreme circumstances.

Something had to enter my life to do this preparation. Something had to be presented to show me exactly what I’m made of. I do thank God that He gave it to me in the form of yoga practice, and not a horrific life experience. Nevertheless I had to have something cross my path to push me to my limits and let me examine my reaction to it.

I respect this teacher. She doesn’t back down even if people leave or complain. She knows part of the process is learning to deal with adversity. Thinking back, it was she, last year that presented those classes where I was pushed to my limit and beyond, that showed me I had what I needed to get through the most difficult year of my life. I found out each day with her just what I was made of. I learned hard lessons about trust and relinquishing control. This all came rushing back to me today as I got that breathing under control and refused to give up and sit down. A class like today’s last year, for me, was a class I’d sit out a lot and in my mind be very mad at her for not opening that window. Today watching others complain or leave, I was amazed at my ability to push through calmly and trust her to “have it”.

Both she and I have come a long way in a year. I haven’t had a class like this in a long time. I’m now reminded just what I am made of and just in time, on this fat Tuesday, before I enact my Lenten resolutions tomorrow. My resolutions might revolve around tangible things, but they are only a symbol of a very self-disciplined road I’m going to walk internally. I have something in my life very hard to do and once again, yoga is going to see me through it. I’m going to need tremendous faith, perseverance, patience and stillness once again. I need the spiritual to be connected to the concrete so I stay motivated and on track for the next few months. Yoga and Lenten resolutions will keep me connected to my God and myself and not let me forget what I must do on a daily basis.

And so, as another day goes by, 18 months later yoga is still my lifeline, and …I have written.
Some of my best lessons are learned right here…..