January is named for Janus, the two-faced Roman god of beginnings and transitions. He looks back at the year just passed and he looks ahead to the new year.
Resetting the Compass – Day 19
Today our yoga teacher said 7 out of 10 people who come to Bikram yoga try too hard. It’s all us type A personalities, constantly trying to stick a square peg in a round hole. We are determined to get it in there. It’s going in no matter what we have to do. We…are….gonnnna….push …through that damn pose and get it perfect no matter what we have to sacrifice to do it. In the process we are agitated, out of breath, heart beating out of our chest, making all kinds of grunting noises, and the weird scrunched up looks on our faces is enough to scare you.
As she was saying all this, I was having a lovely yoga experience today. It occurred to me that I’ve been having a lovely practice all January long. I’m calm. Go in and out of the poses gently and with intention. No flopping around. I’m getting into them easily and holding the difficult ones for the full time. And, the biggest thing for me, I breath normally through the whole thing – no different than I’m breathing now sitting in this easy chair.
Today a girl came and settled in my usual spot in front of the mirror, so I set up camp in the second row right behind her. I didn’t think anything of it because that’s another thing I let go of – ownership of a certain spot in the room. I conquered that before Xmas by moving all over the room until it no longer mattered. Anyway – back to the girl. She was someone I had never seen here before and normally I wouldn’t pay any attention, but for some reason I found myself watching her. She had the right clothes and knew the poses well enough, but there were certain things she did that lead me to believe she was probably into her third or fourth month of practice. In poses where the arms are required to be extended, she kept putting them down to rest them. Probably thinking that if this teacher didn’t hurry up with the set-up she was going to scream. She was breathing hard and labored. She was putting too much strain into the postures, causing a lot of flopping in and out of them. And of course, the constant wiping of sweat and drinking of water, gave away her level of experience. As I lay on my back for savasana, I thought, this girl, unbeknownst to her, was my Janus. She gave me a glimpse of where I was last January, and pointed out where I am today.
I have definitely eased off a lot in my practice of both yoga and life. Things I used to keep tightly clenched in my fist are now free. My fingers have relaxed. I go into my days like I go into my poses – without force. While that is an excellent achievement for a type A, there is a danger, too. Type A’s are very passionate about everything they do – they way they work, the way they play, and the way they love. Therefore it is the striking of a delicate balance to be able to move in and out things in life with ease and intention and not lose your passion. To not push, force, and need to fit that peg in that hole, while not losing the desire to try, is fine line to walk.
Last January I wanted to control everything, (including those stubborn poses). Then I spent 11 months learning to control nothing, but becoming very lethargic, to the point of losing my passions. I swung from one end of the pendulum to the other. This year I will attempt to find balance. I will ease off on jamming that peg in there, but I will not just set it on the ground and give up trying. What I take away from that studio everyday is so important to the way I live my life. The teacher said to not push the peg so hard. Keep turning it gently and maybe some of those sharp edges will soften.
This is one resolution I am not apt to forget as long as I continue my yoga practice. Everyday I will be reminded of it by the way my body will be called upon to move in the heated room. Bikram yoga will teach me how to approach life with quiet intention instead of wild, out of control passion. The control is being moved to a new place within me. A place where it will be helpful to my growth in 2012. Instead of controlling every aspect of my life and that of others, the control will do an about face and focus inward and be channeled into making me a saner, healthier, happier, person all around.
And so, as another day goes by, a well-executed backbend provides a new view of things, and….I have written.
Fascinating how the people we need to come into our lives show up at just the right time. Thanks to that Janus girl in the first row for reflecting back to you how far you actually have come on your journey towards balance. I envy your discipline to do this every day.