This morning’s Bikram class was the first after three days. Things are very different with my body. Certain parts feel foreign and out of place. The only thing I can liken it to is when your first pregnant and your body just doesn’t feel familiar anymore. Instead of grabbing my heels in forward bend, I can only grab my ankles. And that was just the start of a string of poses I either had to modify or not get in to the full depth that I usually do. I realized my muscles are building from fit club and extensive changes are going to keep happening as the two practices grow and change my body in different ways.
Normally I’d get upset at this, but today my thoughts during class went in a different direction. I realized I had to take the yoga out of my head now and put back in my body where it is needed. Instead of obsessing over not being able to have the practice I used to have, I now have to use the yoga to medicate and let the yoga compliment the changes fit club is causing.
I started in backbend telling myself to ease into it gently. Don’t push. Then when I had to grab my ankles instead of my heels, I told myself it was okay – work with the muscles. In standing bow, which I am good at, I got a cramp behind my left knee and had to stand up and rub it out. I didn’t get upset at having to miss the second part of the pose. I just told myself to go with it. As my teacher Mark says, “Do your best. Then let it go.” I did just that for the rest of the class.
I kept telling myself I’m not obsessing over anything anymore. I’m going to do my best, at my pace, then move on. I took the practice out of my head and let my body use it and enjoy it. It ended up being a really informative class where I assessed the progress I’m making – not by getting better at the postures, because just the opposite is happening – but progress at not obsessing and being tolerant and gentle with the changes on this journey.
About two years ago a friend said I beat myself up a lot. That remark stuck with me all this time. I felt I had to. I had to somehow punish and prove myself. Those days are over. I need gentleness and acceptance. Not from others – from myself.
And so, as another day goes by, a season of seeking gentleness is upon me, not obsessing is the start of this new journey, and….I have written.
Leave a Reply