Usually my daily Bikram yoga class is a wonderful 90 minute, undisturbed, get away for my mind. My body gets lost in the rhythm of moving through the poses automatically through the instructor's dialogue, which gives the cues to begin and end each pose. My mind is free to relax and let thoughts come as they may. Many times, it during yoga class that a lot of ideas and concepts either take shape for me, or become a sudden revelation.
Today was my fourth day with gentle voiced, ADD, no dialogue boy. I had decided last week that I can't shy away from his classes and go only when my favorite teacher is scheduled. I realized that when I get upset with an instructor in yoga, it's usually pointing out something that needs work within myself, and their classes are the ones I need to attend. I got through classes two and three with him, by focusing on the fact that my getting angry at him is not going to change him, and I'm just going to have crappy classes if I stay on that road. I now focus on the fact that the only one I can change is me and my reaction to him. That is the only way I can have positive classes with him. I'm not the only one who feels this way, and we all started talking and adopted this philosophy – we decided to also chalk him up to being a character and laughing about his quirky way of teaching. We all relaxed and had great classes on Tuesday.
Today, though, this listening thing came in. No matter how hard I tried to move my mind out of that room, I kept getting snapped back until all I could do is pay attention to all the talking he was doing. I had to be completely present. No mind vacation today. At first that was extremely frustrating, but since when is being forced to change one's ways not frustrating? By the fifty second pose (26 x 2), I was pretty good at just getting into it, stopping the frustration of not knowing when he was going to get us out of it, (straight dialogue trains you to know exactly when you'll be coming out it), focusing on myself, listening, and staying present.
Changing our ways is hard. Not being able to beg God is hard. Trusting that the answers will be in what I hear – what comes to me, is hard. Having ideas and thoughts and not being able to act on them is hard. Listening is just plain hard. Listening is humbling. Clarity in all I didn't know because I was too busy "doing" is hard to face. Yes, change is incredibly hard, but as a speaker at our Writers Night Out last night said:
"If there were no change, there'd be no butterflies." ~ unknown
And so, as another day goes by, I sit here mad, arms folded, face scowling, hard-headed, and still getting the same message when I open my mouth or lift a finger – LISTEN, and ….I have written.
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