Over the past two weeks a string of incidents have occurred where I was put in difficult situations. I took them one at a time, and within each one, I realized I had to call upon one or more of my values I have adopted on this journey. September was about reviewing each value. Now, I see in October I will be called upon to practice them.
The gauntlets being thrown in my path come in both big and small challenges. Small ones like buying onions instead of garlic. Big ones like hearing news and getting my feelings hurt. Medium ones like in yoga – open that window NOW!
I was unexpectedly thrown into situations where the old me, of a year ago,would react frantically. My latest challenge was yesterday where I suddenly found myself in a place in my mind where I hadn’t ventured in a long time. It was a place that used to get me in all sorts of trouble. When a bit of fear surfaced, I spent a few hours making up scenarios in my mind that I had no basis for, further increasing my fear, just like in the old days, heading back toward franticness. At first, I feared the fear – there was no way I was going back to six months ago. Then, my new values kicked in. My mind got slammed with “Do you understand anything?” I immediately answered “No, I know nothing. Understand nothing. Only God knows the total picture, all the players, the future, and most of all, where He wants me and what He wants me doing. I know nothing.” Lean NOT unto thine own understanding. I lay back in my chair, my arms fell to my side, and I became, once again, a vehicle for His spirit. Steady breathing. The peace from knowing it’s all in His hands, and I don’t have to lift a finger, washed over me.
Amazing. I calmed immediately. My insides unclenched and the pain fell away. I was able to watch a Pink Floyd show on tv with my husband, then go to bed and sleep soundly, with no raging thoughts. THIS was NO small feat for me. I spent my entire life waking at 1 am, owned by the monkey mind, just crying, and trying to figure out solutions and worrying over children, money, job, etc.
Many of us KNOW in our heads that we MUST “Let go and let God”, but knowing it and doing it are two different things. As I wrote on Thursday, the year in yoga provided the missing piece. As soon as my mind went awry, I was able to coral it, but the best thing, through the daily practice in the yoga studio, my body instantly made the physical connection, and, as a result, my heart kicked in. The head/heart connection was made. Regaining control and dispelling the fear, was a total mind, body, spirit endeavor.
October will be the month of many moments like this. Old feelings, scenarios, etc. will come creeping around. Fear will sneak back in. I will be tempted to conjure up all kinds of things the monkey mind is capable of. BUT…now I recognize all this for what it is. The challenge of applying all I have learned this year. As soon as the fear strikes, or I find myself in an old, familiar awful place, I know I have to immediately go over my value list and choose and apply accordingly. For my own benefit, I am going to list them from memory below. I am a visual person and learn best when I can see things both in my mind and on paper. It’s one thing to know one’s values, but it’s another to practice them when trouble strikes.
Such is the downside of the beach path. I must be gentle and patient with myself as I deal with the occasional slips and missteps. The cool waters of the shore are closer than ever. I can do it.
And so, as another day goes by, I recognize you October for what you are – bring it on, and ….I have written.
Linda’s New Value List
1. Be a vehicle for the spirit. Quiet yourself. Step back.
2. Practice deference. Keep some things to yourself so as not to deplete the energy.
3. Be custodial and take good care of all the things and hearts God has blessed you with.
4. Give gratitude everyday, for everything big and small, that crosses your path.
5. All your relationships begin with God and radiate out through you. All your energy comes from God first, then the people he blesses your life with.
Haha! Haha! I opened my new meditation book to today’s page and look what was waiting for me. There are no coincidences.
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