Conquered!

It’s always better when you realize you’ve overcome a major nemesis when you least expect it. When I first started Bikram yoga ten months ago, camel was my fear from day one. I was always scared I’d be left in it too long or I couldn’t breathe and I’d have to lie down for the rest of the class, etc. Back in the fall I’d start fearing camel on my drive to the studio. Thinking back over the past two months, lately I don’t think about camel until at least the standing series is over. But today….big breakthrough….I didn’t even realize I was going into it. It finally took it’s place of equal value with all the other floor postures. While in it, I actually felt calm and almost smiled as I really trusted, for the first time, the instructor. I finally feel, without having to talk to myself, that she will keep me in it for just the right amount of time, every time. Now, the fact that it took ten months of practicing 4 to 5 times a week to get to this point, shows just how big a mountain this was for me to climb.

The slow, mindful, and careful conquering of the fear of camel everyday went hand in hand with me making the turn outside of the studio toward conquering the fear of losing the important people in my life. For the first time in over a year I feel “normal” again. I can live day to day without thinking I have to “do” things to keep people from leaving me. My closest family and friends will stay around and all I have to do is quietly love them and be near if they need me. I know they’re there and they know I’m here, too.

Tomorrow is the first anniversary of my Mom’s passing, the event that threw me into this journey. I spent the first 6 months refusing to believe she left a void in my life big enough to hurt so bad. By refusing to face the void and feel the pain, I subconsciously started to live in fear of losing everyone else important to me and my life became one anxious job of holding onto people, until I ultimately lost my authentic self. I crashed completely in January and this blog has been the story of my climbing out from the bottom of the pond, reinventing myself, and finally, finally, conquering the fear of loss. I did it without drugs, therapy, or substance abuse, and that, to me, is the sweet part of the victory because I know everything I am today is real and true and not built upon things that just masked symptoms to make me “feel better”. My husband says you have to face the cloud before you can see the silver lining, and he was right.

I miss my mom everyday, but the feeling is in it’s proper place in my psyche and not throwing me into an ocean of fear anymore. I will be able to spend quiet time tomorrow with her memory and take comfort that this summer is so much more peaceful for her than last year at this time was. Her passing has taught me to not only face and revere loss, but to also treat those still living in my life with respect and to trust them to love me without me having to “make sure” they do.

And so, as another day goes by, my mom continues to influence my life, and…I have written.
Found these Saturday, reminded me of my mom – her favorite color was blue…..

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