Making room for new things seems to be dominating my life lately. I am redoing a room by selling everything in it and making room for a newer, more simplistic look. I'm having a garage sale and emptying at least 20 more of those plastic bins that I have dragged through three houses and one apartment, across two states. I have been praying for a heart makeover, allowing new thoughts and ideas to take hold within me. (Again, the teacher in me says to start with the concrete and move with it to the abstract – try to teach a five year old the concept of time, and you will quicky understand.)
I have been praying fervently, and almost, at times, violently for a new, different, better, me for months now. At times I'd get so mad at God because He doesn't seem to hear me. I wake up day after day with the same heaviness. I ask God for peace and understanding, but to no avail. Then, today, he dropped the answer off the Internet into my lap:
"We must learn to let go, give up, to make room for the things we have prayed for and desired." ~ Charles Fillmore
Instead of an "ah..ha" moment, this was more like a "duh" moment. I can see God saying "I have all this new stuff you asked for sitting right here to give you, but where would you like me to put it?" There are so many things taking up precious room in my mind and my thoughts, that God couldn't give me a blessing if He tried – I left no room to absorb anymore.
Once again I am brought back to the topic of letting go. Somehow, I always end up here. I love the concept, but have difficulty doing it, or for that matter, figuring out HOW to do it. So much so, that I get frustrated and give up more times than not. And just when I want to give up, another little burst of wisdom crosses my path:
"The secret of life though, is to fall down seven times, and get up eight times."
~ Paulo Coelo
I have been obsessing for months over someone's unfair criticism of me. This has taken precious time and strength away from other areas of my life. Being a martyr was somewhat gratifying, but it caused me to hang onto anger, resentment and make up things in my mind that don't even exist in reality. Not only is this non-productive, but it fills me with more and more anxiety and if I don't let go of even some of this, there will no room for all I have asked God for.
I always looked at "letting go" as leaving an empty cavern inside me, and somehow that was more scary than being full and occupied with all my mind was drumming up. I was sabotaging my own prayers and poor God could only stand there holding all the blessings he had for me, shaking His head sadly, because God is a teacher. He knows He can't force me to "let go" and let Him work. It has to come from within me or it wouldn't mean anything. All good teachers know this. Good teachers coach, support, encourage, soothe, and, at times, carry the yoke for a few steps giving the student time to catch their breath, but they never take away the responsibility for learning from the student. And God has been a great teacher, but now it's my turn to step up to the plate.
I need to go down to the basement and bring up that last bin hiding in the corner by the furnace. I need to open it and put it's contents out in the garage sale. Spring is a time of renewal. Time to let go of all my old ways of thinking and operating, and make room for all the new blessings God has been so patiently holding for me.
And so, as another day goes by, who knew letting go really meant making room? And…I have written.
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