In my journey through forgiveness, I have failed to ask the one important question that lends credence to the three sides of forgiveness I have explored. That question is:
“What is forgiveness?”
The only way to answer this question is to come from a place of experience. I once made a huge mistake. Though it was unintentional, just the havoc and hurt I inflicted pained me deeply. The first thing I did was take responsibility for my actions and sincerely apologize. I was told there are no excuses, no “get out of jail free cards” and have still since not been forgiven. I have been wrestling in this emotional prison for months, looking for answers, turning forgiveness around, holding it up to the light like a crystal goblet, trying to see all sides. Then today I came across a piece on forgiveness that explained it to me so clearly. I’d like to share it with you. There is no author cited, except for the quote on the end, so I do not know who to credit with these wise words that have finally put the issue of forgiveness to bed for me.
“Living Life Fully
Thoughts and ideas on what goes into living our lives fully and happily. There are no set answers here, just some observations of life and living that hopefully can help you to see things in a positive light!
11 May 2011
Forgiveness
I come from a background in which anger and resentment were rather normal. It wasn’t that the people in my life liked being angry and resentful–they just hadn’t learned how to deal with their feelings in other ways. Because of this background, though, it took me many years during my young adulthood to unlearn this pattern, to realize that such thoughts were not only negative, but also harmful.
One of the most important accomplishments in my life has been to learn how to forgive. I don’t always do so quickly enough to save myself a few miserable days, but I have learned to view people’s actions in a much more objective light, taking them much less personally. Usually I see behavior that affects me negatively as a reflection of bad things that are going on in other people’s lives, and this helps me to forgive much more easily. Did that guy cut me off in traffic? Maybe he’s in a hurry because someone’s sick. Did that person talk about me behind my back? Well, maybe she’s feeling insecure about herself, and she has to knock someone down to make herself feel better. Her words don’t change who I am.
Being able to see things this way has almost no effect at all on the other people involved in any situation, but it does have a strong effect on me: I’m able to feel more peaceful, more relaxed, and more able to help others. I feel that things are okay apart from this one small aspect of my life, and my forgiveness helps me to realize the relative insignificance of this aspect. I’m not here on this planet to control other people and have them ask for forgiveness when I feel they should do so–the only person’s actions and thoughts over which I have any sort of control are my own, and I can forgive if I choose to do so, knowing that doing so helps me.
There’s a common misconception that forgiving someone implies that the action that’s being forgiven was okay, but I always keep in mind that I’m forgiving the person, not the action. Hurting other people is always wrong, but we all make mistakes and hurt others. I’m very thankful that some people in life have forgiven me for some of my actions, so why shouldn’t I show the same courtesy to others? Forgiving doesn’t make wrong right or take away responsibility–forgiveness just says it’s not up to me to judge, and I’m not going to hold a grudge against you just because you made a mistake.
Keeping score of old scores and scars, getting even
and one-upping, always make you less than you are.
Malcolm Forbes”
Well said! Some people hold on to anger so tightly and I feel sorry for them. Life is too short and anger is usually a secondary emotion. So getting deeper to the hurt, sadness or whatever is behind that anger is just too painful for some. Again, that to me is just a sad place to be in life and I am glad it is not where I (or you!) decided to stay. But instead, choosing to grow over time.