Yesterday a friend of mine posted on Facebook “today was one of those days when you take a shower just to put your pajamas back on…” I loved that post. There’s nothing better on a holiday or Sunday to take a shower and put on clean jammies and snuggle in for the day.
If, on this last day of 2012 when everyone is setting new intentions for the new year, my mind is excited by a day in clean jammies, you can see the direction my New Year’s resolutions are taking. After two years of of climbing out of the dark muck of overcoming fear and loss, this year I’m moving back to the lighter side of life. I’ve turned inward for so long and done massive amounts of internal work. After over exactly 731 days of spinning in my own hurricane, I finally emerged out the other side. I’m back to who I used to be; a happy, optimistic, enthusiastic, glass half full individual – with a few major adjustments. The anxiety and chest-crushing fear I used to wake up with are gone. God and I are closer than ever. I know things about myself that I never would have learned, had I not been thrust into the storm. Resolutions to improve myself, both physically and spiritually, made in 2011, and even more made in 2012, have all been kept, accomplished, knocked home, etc. So….here we are…on the cusp of 2013…where does that leave me? (Besides on the couch, in my jammies)…..
……today as I was watching my beloved afternoon soaps, the president cut my show short at a critical point to speak about the fiscal cliff. What he had to say was: a absolutely nothing. Nothing new. Nothing accomplished. My husband could see that I was clearly miffed. Really now. Was that more important than Hope and Liam getting back together? I turned to my him and and said, in jest, “My New Year’s resolution is to not miss even one episode of the Young n Restless or the Bold and the Beautiful. I promise to DVR faithfully.” He said that was a pretty big goal to shoot for, but I assured him I was up to the challenge.
As we dissolved into laughter, a serious thought struck me. I need a “lighter” year. For the last 700 plus days, life’s been too serious. Too much work. I need a year of loving workouts, playing with my art, moving my writing up on my priority list, laughing with my family and friends, singing along with the radio in the car, doing Bikram for stretching and health reasons – not for panic and anxiety because I don’t know where else to escape to.
I need a year of not having to escape. I need to participate in all things good and not so good in my life. I’ve learned how to handle loss. The next time it occurs (because I’m not naive enough to think it won’t happen again) I’m armed and ready. I won’t be going back to the dark place. Ever. I won’t ever give God another reason to grab me by the collar and say, “Hey! Just where do you think you’re going?” Enough. I lost my mother and a dear friend both at the same time. I spent the first year battling back from that by healing myself from a severe, crippling depression and the second year making sure that never happens again, and now, it’s time to lay down the gloves.
I am truly, truly thankful the pain is gone. The burden is lifted. Light and laughter are possible again. Committing to watching my daily soaps is not as ridiculous as it sounds. Those daily soaps will remind me to be kind to myself, which in turn will remind me to be kind to others and commit to making all our worlds a better, lighter, happier place.
And so, as the old year slips away, WHAT! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? FOOTBALL? No Talk and Dr. Phil this afternoon either? Hahahahaha…..hahaha, and…I have written.
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