Awhile ago I bought an e-book from a job coach in an effort to explore options that I might not even know exist for what I’d like to do with the rest of my life. (Take heed – this is what happens when your life takes a 360 and you don’t have to be there at 8:05 anymore.) I only recently opened the book, after staring at it on my desktop for 6 months. To my surprise, the format, even if it didn’t point me in a new direction, is worth it in itself. It starts with complete self examination, taking you back to your childhood in sort of an untheraputic way, so you can see “how you were built”. Being a teacher of very young children for many years, I hold close those early education years and the power they hold over building our adult selves. I was astonished to find that my schoolyard experience actually built the fears and anxieties I struggle with today, and with the flipping of the understanding switch, was finally able to gain new perspective.
The author began by asking me to examine eight major areas of my life. One was childhood. The exercise was to go back as far as I could remember and list as many proud and sharing moments as I could come up with. My earliest thing I was proud of was my pink kindergarten report card with the gold star on it. Things went downhill from there, because the next proud moment of my life didn’t occur until I made the cheerleading squad in high school, sharply pointing out my grade school and middle school years didn’t do positive things toward building the person I am today.
We all remember the schoolyard game King of the Hill. I remember striving to get to be that king. The few times I got to the hill, the loneliness and pressure to stay there just taught me having sought after power creates anxiety. When I lost the power, I was back in the tank with all the rest of the fish clawing and grabbing my way back up to the top. When I got too exhausted from both, and just didn’t want to play the game anymore, I found myself the outcast, another sad, lonely place to be. But after making the cheerleading squad, my life picked up. I was able to list many more proud sharing moments throughout high school, college, and through today. Something about making that cheerleading squad saved me from a life filled with loneliness and anxiety. I learned that it was ok to strive to do well and achieve goals, but the key to success is to always want others at the top of the hill with you. I was just as deeply happy for my teammates success as I was for my own.
As I continue to look back from that time, I see that I shied away from any kind of responsibility that I had to work to achieve, then operate solo in. At one time I really wanted to be an elementary principal thinking I’d be able to help many more kids that way. I even spent three years getting my masters degree in educational administration. After spending a lot of time with my mentor principals and getting a good feel for what it takes to do the job well, I saw it to be a very lonely place. Anxious visions of being King of the Hill on a huge scale played out in my mind. Finally, after much thought and struggle, I asked my husband, “After all the work and money to get this degree, would it be terrible to say I don’t want to be a principal? I just want to retire out of my kindergarten classroom. I think I make more of a difference one kid at a time.”
My husband is a man of such wisdom and understanding. Here I was worried he’d be upset after spending all that money on the degree and now I don’t want to do the job, and his answer was, “Getting the degree will just make you a better teacher. The important thing is that you’re happy in the job you’re in.” He alleviated buckets of anxiety I used to carry around for years with that one statement.
Teamwork, doing “life” with a partner and within a family, working side by side with colleagues, and raising children with other working moms, instead of being the “biggest and the best” and very anxious and lonely at the top of the hill, has been the mainstay of “how I work”.
And, after all that, what do I want to do with the rest of my life? Be a writer. THE LONELIEST PROFESSION IN THE WORLD.
And so, as another day goes by, I can see much work still needs to be done here, and ….at least….I have written.
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