I get up every morning and sit in my rocking chair and set about my task of putting my world in order in my mind. I want everyone happy and no conflict anywhere in it, much like housecleaning. I vacuum, dust, wash the floors, and then sit in my chair to admire how clean the house is, with everything is in it’s place. Just as in my life, it doesn’t last long. Pretty soon the “clean” starts falling apart. Sometimes it’s something as small as a spill, and it’s easily wiped up and order is restored. Sometimes, like when I’m painting a room, it’s a big mess that I am going to have to look at for days or weeks. In life, sometimes a quick text to my daughter, or a talk with my husband sets things right again. Sometimes there’s no other answer than to sit quiet and let time take it’s course. A prolonged mess, either in my house or my life, were almost impossible for me to live with. I could never accept it has to be what it is for as long as it takes, without it eating me alive daily. Walking by the room that is holding all the furniture from the room being painted, would instantly depress me. Walking around with a conflict between loved ones in my gut would – well – the best way to describe this is Bruno Mars dragging that damn piano around town in his Grenade video. I’d drag that piano wherever I went. I couldn’t put the rope down and enjoy all the other things in my life fully. That damn piano went everywhere with me. Family functions, the mall, Cape Cod writers functions, the grocery store, etc. Until I tried to drag it into the yoga studio.
After 18 weeks, the yoga has finally changed something that is, or was, inherently in my nature. Everyday, for 130 days, I stared at myself in the mirror and my body screamed “I don’t want to stay in this position!”, but my eyes focused on themselves in that mirror unwaveringly and said, “Tough. You’re doing it.” Over the course of 26 poses for 130 days, the power my mind began to exercise over my body grew with a quiet voraciousness that has just, this week, began to manifest itself to me both in and out of the studio.
I am staying in standing bow pulling pose for the full sixty seconds more often than not lately. Just today I looked into my eyes and kept repeating “Kick back, stretch forward” without getting distracted by the teacher’s dialogue, the person in front of me, or my own body screaming “Put me down!” The intenseness of the focus and the power I possessed over my body, shook me to my very core.
I came home at noon, showered, put on the news and had my daily lunchtime phone call with my husband. We hung up and I made my own lunch and finished watching the news. Afterward I pushed the recliner back and sat in the stormy, rainy afternoon feeling very content to just sit in the quiet comfort of my house – WHICH IS NOT CLEAN AND IN ORDER. You may not see this as big for me, but I could never, ever just sit down and truly enjoy the news or the phone call if the house wasn’t in perfect order. Lately I’ve been able to do this more and more. I went upstairs and glanced into the bedroom I’m currently working on and felt satisfaction instead of depression at the mess. I saw the disarray in a different light. I saw it as a passage to a nicer room.
Also, this week, I finally put down the rope on the piano and left it on the side of the road. Everything in my world does not have to be “perfect” in order for me to be happy and enjoy the things happening in my life daily. One of my resolutions this year is to let time and patience prevail – bringing good in the future – just like the seeing the mess as a passage to a nicer room – all without letting it control me or tear me up TODAY.
In both situations, my mind easily snapped to it and didn’t let my body fail me. I stayed in the pose for the full sixty seconds and I was able to sit amongst the dust and a few dirty dishes without having to jump and hurry up and clean it before I could enjoy the noon news and my husband’s phone call.
People have tried to tell me Bikram yoga isn’t spiritual. Seriously? It goes very deep below your skin and changes you from the inside out – “bones to skin” as it says daily in the dialogue. It takes you deep within yourself everyday, in a new way, because you are never the same on any given day. When you enter the studio, you never know what you’re in for – even though you’re going to do the same 26 poses to the same dialogue.
130 days. Same 26 poses. Same dialogue. Never the same lesson. Go figure.
And so, as another day goes by, I am so glad to be rid of that damn piano and….I have written.
Resolution Count:
1. Swallow the explosion and digest it.
2. Let time and patience prevail.
3. Check yourself in human mirrors.
4. Allow some “mess” and be okay with it.
I’m really happy that you’ve set up your own blog and have in fact publish your thoughts. I love your work and feel I can relate to what you’ve done. Most people can’t even imagine having such talent. I hope that you know how lucky you are. 🙂 Good luck to you in all your endeavors. 🙂
What a journey! It’s difficult to instill that much discipline, especially if you have persisting habits you can’t easily refuse. I hope it goes well and that you overcome your discomforts. Keep clean, inside and out!