Today in yoga class, my instructor commented that I was so focused she couldn’t get me to move during the poses at all. She said I could stay in them all day and I must have gotten all that patience from teaching Pre-schoolers. Then after class, someone said to me, “Wow, you must have mastered the breath, then” I stopped and said, “You know what, I think I have. The “franticness” is gone.”
I was remembering when I started last September, panic attacks, not being able to breath, almost passing out and having to take frequent knees in class was an occurrence at least three times a week. Now I can’t remember the last time I felt any one of this things. I have since learned to find the stillness in each pose and stay there, breathing normally. No more flopping all over and holding muscles tight and doing alot of extra work that stole my breath. My focus. My peace. My stillness. My serenity.
Now, today, stopping to think, this really has translated over into my life. From as far back as I can remember, “franticness” over loss and insecurity ruled my life. As a young child, I was very afraid of losing my toys and my parents. This translated into adulthood by always thinking Am I good enough? Do they like me? Maybe if I try to be like everyone else, I’ll be good enough and they’ll like me and they won’t leave me. In every relationship I ever had I simply could not stand conflict or fighting, and when it occurred, I’d frantically run this way and that, trying to fix it, trying to make everyone happy again. I always had the feeling that if I couldn’t fix it, it’s the end of my world. Needless to say, now, looking back on this, I lead a very stressful personal life, brought on my my own twisted thinking.
Within the last 6 months I’ve had to deal with major loss, and I must say I haven’t done a real good job with that. I was experiencing my usual “franticness” and driving those close to me a little crazy. I was running this way and that, clutching everything and everyone in sight in a death grip. Needless to say, I’ve caused major conflict lately with those close to me as a result of this, but thankfully, due to the yoga, I am not continuing down my old paths.
If this had happened a year ago, I’d be frantically going from this one to that one desperately trying to fix it. It would consume me and keep me from focusing on anything else in my life until it was “fixed”. I would not eat and I’d lose sleep frantically trying to hang on to things I feared losing. I remember the hours of stress and tears.
Now, one year later, I am a totally different person. These last 15 weeks of yoga have changed something inside me where my energy evolves from. My energy and lifeblood no longer come from the outside world. They come from within my own heart. Nothing can no longer come from outside and bother my body or my mind. The loss of my mom, the fear of losing others in my life, the insecurity of wondering if who I am is enough, are all things that no longer cause panic, fear, and “franticness”. I’m slowly realizing that who I am is enough, and that in turn makes a huge difference in how I now handle conflict. It’s new territory, but I’m gaining on it.
I no longer look at things that have been done to me as intended to hurt me. No one intends to hurt me. When the flash of hurt and anger flood through me, I now stop and realize even though something makes me feel bad or sad, it’s not intended to hurt me. I trust the people close to me to always have good intentions, and what looks like hurting to me, is really about them trying to send me a message. If I just sit quietly and listen for it instead of participating in the
“franticness”, this ride through the rest of my life will be so much smoother than it’s ever been. I’d just like to know where this yoga was when I was raising two little kids and working full time? My life would’ve been so much easier.
Losing the “franticness” has caused me to see my life in a different way and how I choose to spend it. I will tell the people who I hold close that I love them. I will apologize when I mess up and unintentionally hurt them, but I will then move on and give them the freedom to “fix it” if they want to – not frantically keep trying to fix it myself. When I fear someone has wronged me, I will pull back and realize that was not the intention and refuse once again to participate in the franticness.
It sounds like I’ve made conscious decisions to live in this manner, but, in fact, that is not the case. Through the yoga this has just evolved. Just as my excellent sleeping and eating habits, etc. were not conscious choices. They just happened by doing the yoga everyday, just as the “franticness” stopped and I didn’t realize it until that person today pointed out that I mastered the breath. It was like something snapped into place inside me. I’m glad the “franticness” is gone – I don’t miss it. I do enjoy being calm and centered, and the sleeping…. Yes, the sleeping is the best – instead of staying up all hours trying to fix everything that’s wrong in my world. This is just one more example of how Bikram fixes the “screws loose in my head”.
And so, as another day goes by, Bikram was right when he said,”Just do your yoga everyday, I fix all your problems”, and ….. I have written.
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