I believe that in the scope of the world, when someone does something wrong or hurts someone, 85% of the time it isn’t intentional. In my world, 100% of the time it’s not intentional, because in my small circle of family and friends I do not know one single person that sets off on a path to intentionally hurt someone else. Like Facebook, I have a delete button and if I sense a person who’s intention is evil or dishonest has entered my world, I use it.
Second chance is something all of us, at one time or another, have wished for. I do not believe in second chances. Second chance implies that if it happens again, the relationship is over. Rather I like “another chance” because if what you did is out of love or a consequence of your personality, chances are, you are going to do it again. It is here our inner circle is formed. The people in your “inner circle” get this. These individuals don’t let you get away with your crimes, they call you on them. They give you time to back away and realize you made a mistake. They also realize you’re probably going to make that mistake again, but not quite in the same way because you will take and learn from it this time. You and your inner circle are very tolerant people, but knowing all of this doesn’t make messing up with people you love any easier.
When I mess up with people I love it’s ALWAYS unintentional, but the frustrating part is, with me, it’s through such naivety. I never see the bombs coming and I’m always blindsided. Even when I learn from, then go on and repeat the same mistake later on down the road, I never see it coming until one foot steps into the circle of rope on the ground that I was completely oblivious to, and in seconds I’m hanging upside-down from the tree, stunned as to how I got there AGAIN.
The word sorry, which is supposed to get you out of the tree, is overrated. It doesn’t work. You can say it til you’re blue in the face, but because you’re inner circle knows you so well, they’re gonna say uh-uh, honey, not that simple. Sorry is something you say when you bump into someone at the store. This also frustrates me. I’m the kind of person who is so devastated that I did something bad to someone in the first place, that I want to run and fix it right away. One of my children even calls me “the fixer”.
The problem with being a “fixer” is that it does not allow the wronged individual the time they need to digest your actions and intentions, and if you’re a fixer you need to put time in the proverbial doghouse. Needless to say, I spend alot of time in there. I’m probably even responsible for furnishing it. In the doghouse you learn patience. Something “fixers”, when in a conflict situation, are very short on because they want to make the other person feel better right away and they want quick absolution for their crime. In another words, they want the world right again for all involved.
This can be a problem if a member of your inner circle, whom you have unintentionally wronged, is a “carrier”. They work opposite the fixer. They need oodles of time to carry around, digest and absorb your crime, and eventually let the water wash it away. That’s their nature, just as being a fixer is yours. Lessons of tolerance for each others’ way of managing conflict abound, here, in the doghouse.
Underneath all of this lies one precious diamond your inner circle holds onto. Unconditional love. The center of the wheel. Each person in the inner circle is a spoke on a wheel and unconditional love is the hub. As different as each of you are as people and in the manner in which you live your life, you all hold one thing in common. Unconditional love. Within the rim of this wheel, you are allowed to mess up and not be perfect, and you will still be loved by all the other spokes. And in turn you will be tolerant of those who manage conflict differently than you do, and because you love them unconditionally, you will learn patience for the way they choose to live and love.
My inner circle doesn’t leave me in the tree forever, screaming “Hey, feel sorry for me, dammit!”. It’s just depends which one of them has to eventually come and cut me down. Some just walk up, whip out the knife, swiftly cut the rope and I thud to the ground. By the time I stand up, they’re walking away saying “Just try not going there again, ok?”. Others actually support me on their shoulders as they cut the rope, and we both go tumbling to the ground, crying and laughing as we walk away. Still others actually bring a ladder, cut the rope, and hold my hand on the way down. Then they solemnly lead me to the doghouse and help me clean it up and ready it for my next visit. In all cases, a relationship has been moved forward.
Doesn’t matter whose who. I have need for the uniqueness each brings to my life. All that matters is that unconditional love is the hub of my inner circle and, NO MATTER WHAT, we always believe the best about each other.
At the end of the day, I hope you have an inner circle like I do. Navigating this thing we call life is tough and no one should have to go it alone. Take time to appreciate those in your inner circle. They will save you over and over from yourself.
And so, as another day goes by, I tell God thanks for the inner circle He’s provided for me, and….I have written.
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