Tuesday I had a really bad Bikram class. My arms were just not performing and I was weak and fatigued. I knew it was going to be a tough because I did fit club on Monday morning, Bikram Monday night, and was back in the studio in less than 15 hours. I tried to be conscious of replenishing water and electrolytes, but I never know if I’m successful until I’m in class. Been here, done this many times in the last month. It was one of those classes where, at the end of it, I was glad I lived I only 5 miles from the studio. It was one of those days where I seriously could’ve been a danger on the road.
Today was a different story. Same teacher, same room conditions, but I had an entirely different class. I had taken yesterday off and gave my body a chance to recover. Nearing the end of class I was remembering how I was feeling at that same point on Tuesday. On Tuesday I was blaming everything. The teacher was holding the poses longer, she wouldn’t open the door or windows, she’s torturing me on purpose, she’s making me suffer and have a bad class, I changed my spot and it’s hotter over here, etc…..and on and on it went in my head until I dizzily drove myself home and collapsed.
Yet today was the same teacher, she taught the same way, AND she didn’t open a door or window even once (she did open the door a couple of times on Tuesday) and today I was rocking the mat. It was a perfect class. So, who’s fault was my bad time on Tuesday?
Seems when I’m pushed to my most miserable point, it can’t be my fault. I would never treat myself that way, so it must be the teacher. My performance today clearly debunked that theory. The way I perform in class, despite the teacher or the spot or the condition of the room depends entirely what I bring to the mat on any given day.
Could there be times in life when I’ve been pushed to my emotional limit, but due to what I brought to the situation at that moment, quickly assigned blame to everyone else involved, but me?
These are some of the things Bikram yoga teaches, and a great example of just how it does that – with no mood music or chanting or affirmations. (Not that I have anything against those things, I just prefer the bare truths of living to be laid out clear and concise, in my sweat, on the mat.) As my body moves and I feel each muscle change and react differently from class to class, I become so aware of not only physical changes taking place, but deep emotional ones too, without a teacher preaching a lesson. The lessons come through the practice and are individual and detailed to everyone in the class. The person next to me is experiencing entirely different things and this is evidenced in our comparisons after class. Tuesday others rocked that class and today others had a rough time. The blame is all relevant to what each of us arrived with and dumped out on our mats before class started.
It’s been said that shooters take others out with them because they blame everyone else for their miserable plights. Maybe, if they had been encouraged to learn about blame, from a young age, on a yoga mat, their adult perspectives might be different.
And so, as another day goes by, it’s important to “take it to the mat”, throw it down, wrestle with it, then finally internalize it, and …..I have written.
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