So many times people do or say things to us that make us mad or hurt us. Very often in this kind of situation we miss a valuable perspective in dealing with them. Our first instinct is to try to get them to change their behavior or view so it’s in line with our own, to alleviate our anger or pain. When a relationship breaks up and a lover leaves, we go crazy trying to get them back and relieve the hurt and pain. When a family member goes against our way of thinking, we also do crazy things like have long, drawn out arguements to make our hurt or anger disappear.
What are we doing? We torture ourselves needlessly because we lose sight of one very simple concept – we cannot control another’s thoughts, views, or actions no matter how hard we try. In trying to do so, we just make the pain and/or anger worse for ourselves. The ONLY part of the altercation we CAN control is our own reactions, our part of the issue. I tell you, once you internalize this concept, every other conflict with friends, family, spouse, or lover becomes so much less stressful to work through.
Also, in trying to change or control the other person, you strip them of their autonomy and in essence, make it all about you. Sometimes we have to put down that steel garage door and let them have their views and perceptions out there in the driveway. We have to operate inside the garage, with the only person we can control – ourselves. Take our own part of the issue and deal with only our part of it, making decisions only about what we can control. Many times what another person has said or done was not wrong or hurtful. Many times it’s a decision they have made about themselves and it makes us mad or causes us to feel pain because we don’t agree with it. That part is our issue and is the only part we can deal with.
Another faux pas about making it all about ourselves is it’s easy to lose sight of what’s best for the other person if you’re trying to help them. Sometimes what we view as rushing in and helping is really better for us, but causes more problems for our loved one without us realizing it. If we are truly trying to help another person, sometimes we need to take ourselves completely out of it and focus on what would be best for them. There are times when the best way to help is to step away and do nothing, just as other times the best thing to do is rush to their rescue. How do you which is right? Put yourself in their shoes, not your own. You will be surprised the steps you will be called to walk in directions you’d never thought you’d go in. Helping really is literally, selfless.
Realizing you cannot control or change another person and being careful to not make it about you, can make you a more peaceful, less stressed individual. It’s a personal boundary we must all set and not let others cross.
And so, as another day goes by, let us learn to live and let live, and again, I have written.
very cool! scary true!!