…someone comes along and knocks a block out from under you, and you land face down in the “humble pie”. Or as my dear husband put it to me in a beautiful letter the other day, you think you have all your ducks in a row, and suddenly one becomes dinner. I loved that analogy.
I am usually not a vulnerable person, but in the last few months I’ve had a few of what I call “smackdown moments”. You think you got it covered. You absolutely are confident you can do it. You did your homework and know all there is to know about it. You’re not afraid to put yourself out there and venture into a new territory. You think you are invincible and that which brings others to their knees, can’t touch you. Then wham! Out of no where, your not even one tenth of who or what you thought you were.
At first, it feels like a sucker punch to the gut. First instinct is to run away and hide. Quit trying. Shield and protect yourself from this awful feeling again. Though the “sucker punch” feeling keeps resurfacing in the coming days whenever you think back to the incident, you put it away and resolve not to be brought down. You’re not sure you’re ever going to try again, but you know you’re not going to fold up and die of extreme embarrassment either.
Thoughts of inadequacy bubble to the surface. Are you important to the people you love? Do you have anything worth saying? You start stumbling through thoughts and going down roads you should stay away from. Add a couple glasses of wine, and the road now becomes a ride along the edge of a steep cliff. Thank goodness all of this useless soul searching takes a few hours, and, after the wine, you are now tired and head for bed.
How does this end? It ends in the morning. It all looks different in the morning light. Instead of trying NOT to go through it, I now plunge into it headlong, feel it completely and then, trust in the morning. It always comes. It always saves you. And so, as another day goes by, another glass of wine empties, I place my trust in the morning, and I have yet again, written………
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