Today I had to spend the day in Boston to attend an appointment with my daughter. Instead of doing my usual commuter rail jaunt, I elected to use the subway. Not such a good idea on workday. When I arrived at the T parking garage, it was full. There was nothing else to do but park in the shopping plaza adjacent to it. In the lot there are various signs warning against T parking. You know the kind : “You will be towed. Police take notice.” I looked around and at 9 am there were over two hundred cars in the paring lot. Xmas shopping starts early and gets over late. I also saw a lot of people walking down the sidewalk in the direction of the subway. If they were going to tow cars, they would have to tow about 200. I found a nice little corner to park in as I rationalized that the police have better things to do today than seek out just my car in this lot and tow it. I locked my car and walked to the T.
I caught the first train. It was sitting there with the doors open. I hopped on board and settled myself. Then it started (my mind, not the train). Should I get off and go back to my car? Did the police watch me walk to the subway? No, they don’t know where I am after I parked my car. I could be spending my day in the mall. After all, it is Xmas shopping season. The train doors closed. I was on my way to the city. It was, once again, a situation out of my control.
Now, the old me would’ve kept up this mind banter for the whole 40 minute ride into the city, and once there, would’ve let it completely ruin a beautiful day with my daughter because I would worry relentlessly over my car being towed. I wouldn’t be able to shop and discuss Xmas with my daughter. The beautiful afternoon coffee and dessert at the Cafe Victoria in the North End would not have been fun because I would’ve never been able to give our conversation my full attention due to excessive fidgeting over the plight of my car. The time spent at her eye doctor appointment this afternoon would’ve been absolute agony for the old me. I wouldn’t have been able to concentrate on what the doctor was saying because I would’ve been too busy willing myself out of there to be on my way back to my car.
So, how did the new me handle this? Before the doors of the train even closed, I gave it to God. I stopped reasoning why or why not would my car be there when I returned. I just let it go. I couldn’t control what would happen to my car. And, if it did get towed, I trusted God would just help me find my way out of that, too, and get home sometime tonight. The train doors closed and the inability to control it didn’t overtake me. I just texted my daughter that I was on my way and marveled at how I banished the anxiety. I felt my shoulders softly relax – a feeling I rarely ever remember having in the middle of difficulty.
I’ve done the work. Two years of it. Kicked depression to the curve, dug up old habits and behaviors that used to hold me back from being the kind of person I wanted to be, and learned how to be still, trust God, and let go. All those days of learning about mind and body control in Bikram yoga. All those weeks of driving to bible study in tears. Almost 800 blog posts and 700 morning pages worth of writing, exploring and defining what was happening to me.
Today was one of those days I was called upon to put all that work to the test once more. There have been other things these past few months that put my new found outlook on life’s happenings to a test and I’ve noticed a pattern in being able to handle them much the same way I did today. The initial reaction of stilling my thoughts, focusing on God, letting go and trusting, feeling His hand on my right shoulder, and physically feeling the tension release and my anxiety cease. Even in the middle of heated and hurtful discussions, I was able to stop and be still and really listen to the other person and actually look at things from their point of view, allowing me to proceed without lashing out to defend or protect myself.
Sometimes all it takes is something as simple as a full parking garage to show you a snapshot of yourself. What did you face today? How did you react? Was it thoughtful or was your reaction impulsive and now you wish you could take it back? How did you deal with a situation you could not control? Were you able to let it go and trust in something bigger than yourself?
Tomorrow when something slams into your happy, stop and regain stillness, trust in your God, let go and pretty soon that softening of the shoulders becomes addictive. And that’s a good thing.
And so, as another day goes by, it was a lovely day with my daughter, I’m so glad I freed myself to enjoy it despite its start, I loved the tiny coffee spoon, and….I have written.
(Yes, that is a shot of Bailey’s for my coffee.)
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