On Sunday I posted a quote that stopped me in my tracks, but even after a couple days of pondering, I was rendered speechless and decided to let it stand on its own. Well, perhaps I didn’t ponder long enough. The quote manifested in my morning Bikram yoga class today, and now I have words. The quote is:
“Dim your light for no one. Those who are afraid of your light, are the ones who need it most.” ~ Ceilia Hanna
Today, the yoga spoke loud and clear. As you can probably guess, today was a step backward day, following my glowing ballerina performance last night. We have already agreed that yoga, exercise, diet, and life in general is not a lineal process, so this was par for the course. Once again the room was hot, but not overly, the teacher didn’t open any doors or windows, but she did push us a bit further on this humid, rainy morning. I pranced quite divinely through the standing series, but noticed muscle weakness and fatigue during tree and decided to sit out toe stand. After the savasana the floor series resumed and I found myself skipping a few sets. I was breathing just fine, which used to be the reason I’d have to skip poses. My need to skip a few floor poses just didn’t make sense. In the background the teacher was begging us not to listen to our minds, because our bodies can do so much more than we think they can. Hmmm….my mind was fine with doing more….it was questioning my body. By the end of the practice, I figured it out. Arms. It was my arms. Yesterday my Koko workout concentrated a bit more on my arms. Last night I was fine, but today any pose that required holding body parts in place with my arms, clearly was not working. My arms slid off of my hands and feet and hung there limply for the duration of the pose. That’s when the the unspeakable quote popped into my head and another Bikram ah-ha moment was born:
Yoga dims its light for no one. The room remains hot and humid, teachers deliver the dialogue rhythmically, doors and windows do or do not get opened, and none of this can be controlled by me. I have no influence over the yoga.
Those who are afraid of Bikram’s light, are those who need it most. It’s hot. I can’t stay in here another minute. This isn’t working. Oh God, are you there? Because I’m panicking and need to get out of this room. My arms are like jello. I think something’s radically wrong. Maybe I should not do this. After enough of these thoughts, the light went on. When I start complaining and want to bail, it’s because it’s precisely where I need to be.
After class I discussed my failing arms with the teacher. She said that due to the exercising, my muscles are giving off some chemical that begins with L and they also have tears that will repair in the days in between the exercises to make them stronger. This will definitely affect my practice and that is a good thing. Koko will force my Bikram to ramp it up. And yes, I will hate it and feel like a newbie all over again.
Isn’t that just like life? Always something to challenge us, change us, and force us to move off of our comfort mushroom in the universe, where we like to park and feel smug. (Comfort mushroom, because I picture myself in my yoga clothes sitting out there in the woods on a giant brown spotted mushroom, hugging my knees, enjoying the sun on my back, and thinking here I will stay.) Sorry. We don’t get to camp on the comfort mushroom. Whether its yoga, exercise, diet, jobs, relationships, …whatever…we don’t get to camp. Ever. The light shines on us. We yell “Hey! Turn that off!” But it keeps shining, keeps exposing what we need to face. We do eventually have to turn and face it head on.
If there’s a particular light you fear making you uncomfortable in your world, hang in there. It’s just exactly what you need and exactly where you supposed to be. (And it will dim for no one.)
And so, as another day goes by, I finally found the words, and ….I have written.
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