My recent “wHisper” from God (previous blogs) caused me to unearth my old college Bible. I left it on the table next to my chair. On this quiet Sunday morning I picked it up and started flipping thru it. This Bible was given to me in college 40 years ago by my dearest friend and spiritual mentor with whom I still talk with today and treasure the person she is after all these years. As I flip through the pages, reading passages I’ve highlighted over the years, I began to realize it tells a story of all the roads I have walked down with God – a forty year spiritual memoir. Today I find great comfort in this. It reassures me of who I am and the kind of person I am in a time of such self-doubt. Lately I’ve been labeled as “poison”, “jealous” and “the root of all evil”. Stunned, because I never felt any of those things, I took a step back and actually started doubting myself. Was I?
I stopped myself from going “forward” down that road and went “backward” into my past instead. I drew strength from things that were tried and true and tested by time. My sapphire ring (yesterday’s blog) was a trip back through the years of my physical life. My Bible page flipping today is a journey back through my spiritual life. Yes, I have gotten angry with people in the past when they hurt me, and I lashed out, especially with my children. My way, in a quarrelsome situation, years ago used to be to keep going until both voices escalated and many hurtful things were said by both of us. About 15 years ago I began to change my ways, realizing I was teaching my daughters to fight rather than reason. I stopped talking as soon as their voices began to escalate and told them I’d gladly talk it out if they stopped yelling – until then I’d remain silent. They’d stamp off to their rooms and slam the door. Later they’d come out and we’d begin the discussion again. Many times there was more door slamming because they’d want to start yelling again and I would, once again, shut down. Sometimes it took up to three tries before they’d talk, instead of yell and tell me they hated me, as all teens do to their parents. (Parents – do not take that personally) 🙂
Now, looking back over the years, I find this has changed me, too. I settle differences by talking quietly. After an angry moment in which I lash out, I immediately want to apologize and take responsibility for my part. We all get angry and say things we don’t mean in the heat of the moment – it’s basic human nature. It’s how we handle it afterward that matters. In turn, when the girls apologized to me, I would accept their apologies and allow them room to make their mistakes within our relationship. I never required them to be perfect, just as my husband and I never required perfection of each other. Through our example, we taught our children forgiveness and love far outweigh fighting and grudges and make for a more harmonious life.
Even after examining forty years of my spiritual and physical life, finding no evidence of me being a mean, vindictive person by nature, I still had a shred of doubt – was the person who said these things perhaps right after all?
Then I flipped another page of my Bible and there was my answer. Truly amazing.
On my wedding day 35 years ago I highlighted and dated a particular verse.
Proverbs 17:1
“A dry crust eaten in peace is better than steak everyday along with argument and strife.”
On my WEDDING DAY the most important thing to me was to create a peaceful life with my new husband, without argument and strife, and here we are 35 years later.
If I were truly “poison”, “jealous” and “the root of all evil” by nature, would we still be together? Would we have been able to raise two daughters, who today are such loving, tolerant, and forgiving young women?
My life, my marriage, my children, and my forty year walk with God are testament to who I really am. God stood by my chair today and turned the page to reassure me that I am a person who forgives and always wants the best for the loved ones in my life. I’ve made many mistakes, made some real messes due to bad judgement, but was always willing to apologize and forgive.
And so, as another day goes by, if you ever doubt yourself and who you are, look within, and ….I have written.
ahhhh…tears 😉 I believe what you’re saying though…if you look at the people DOING the labeling in this case, you see VERY clearly where the actual “problem” lies…if EITHER of us were what others claim us to be, neither of us would be in the place we are now…I’m OK & you’re OK and there is simply NO doubt about that! Thanx for writing this & for leading me to it today…I needed it badly. xox