One of the fun parts of writing a daily blog is you know that for ever how many years you wrote it, you can go back and see what you wrote about on exactly this day, however many years ago you choose. One might ask what would be the purpose of doing that?
The biggest purpose I find is to measure my personal growth and progress. Today I when I opened this page up to begin writing I wondered what I wrote about on May 11, 2011. I wondered just where I was in my journey. Having my days organized and archived, it was very easy to go back in time and see. It turns out that the name of the post was The Third Side of Forgiveness I went back and read it. It was one of my better ones. It carries a message that still pings a part of my brain and heart today.
What I can’t get over is how early in my recovery from depression and PTSD I wrote that. The things it speaks of are things that have only just begun to happen this year. I did say it wasn’t easy and it takes time. Between then and now I suffered a lot more pain and angst; still had a lot of work to do on the way to forgiving myself; on the road back to believing I was a good person again.
Now, two years later, I think self-forgiveness is not only the third side of forgiveness, but the hardest side. When I’m hurt by someone it is far easier to for me to forgive them than it is for me to forgive myself for the damage I have inflicted on another, especially if they refuse to accept my apology.
I have to admit, it was a bit scary to look back. Not only to look back, but to write once again about a place that hurt so much. It was like daring to disturb a still-glass pond. I poked my finger in and the ripples started. They spread through my heart and I almost backed away from writing about it. But I live by Eleanor’s words: “Do one thing each day that scares you”. And so it is done. I ventured back and came away at peace.
And so, as another day goes by, sometimes looking back is helpful and encourages you to keep moving forward, and …I have written.
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