Emotional conflicts with people we care about are never easy, but I firmly believe they are necessary to move the relationship forward. And, while that’s all well and good, it leaves us with the “But how do I get through it?” question.
Very often, immediately after the conflict occurs, we spend much time, energy, and tears trying to problem solve it and get to a resolution. Today I read something that made me stop and think about this:
“In retrospect I realize I have spent many hours problem solving emotional facts I just needed to feel. I know now that my frequent labors to understand what went wrong, while somewhat useful, often were distractions from feeling the sadness and disappointment necessary to heal and move on.” ~ Mark Nepo
I always thought it was easier to think my way through a conflict. Figure out what I could DO to reduce or solve a loved one’s sadness or anger. I never thought of that as a “distraction” from really feeling my feelings. I was too afraid to just go about my day without problem solving it and just let it hurt. Simply let it hurt. Stop replaying it in my mind, asking endless why’s and how’s. Just simply feel it.
I remembered something a good friend always told me:
“Feel your feelings and them let them go,” and I actually sat down and did just that. Yes, it was tearful, but for once I didn’t try to figure out anything. I just sat there and simply felt the hurt, anger, disappointment and fear and it occurred to me there’s no way I could problem solve these feelings. Feelings are what they are and feelings are supposed to be felt, not analyzed. The result? Slowly I began to feel the heaviness in my chest lift and the rock in my stomach shrink a bit. I caught what I call my “franticness”, just in time, before it consumed me and led me into trying to once again figure out how to “fix it”, which only leads to making it worse. Instead I redirected the energy into taking the first steps toward moving on, letting time work and patience prevail.
And so, as another day goes by, I feel my feelings and let them fly, and …I have written.
I needed to hear this today. I generally don’t “do” feelings. I also like to just fix the problem and make it go away. I don’t like to bother with crying but it seems thats all I can do. Nothing to fix or solve. I am not sure what I will do when the tears stop and I have felt the feelings. I think there is going to be a big scar on the mother/daughter relationship the size of Kansas. How does one live with that and go forward at the same time?