Yes, try it. Push God to His limit. I did. Last winter there was a prayer I wanted answered so bad I was relentless. Kicking and screaming at God and calling Him every name except God. I was so bad that for three months He had to deem me immobile and “handcuff” me until I stopped the frantic kicking and screaming. It took three whole months.
Finally God looked at me and said, “If I take the cuffs off will you remain still?” I humbly nodded. I spent the next three months practicing stillness when the war began raging inside me. I worked really, really hard. At the end of three months, I ran up to God and told Him I was ready. He could answer my prayer any day now. Nothing. I told Him again and again – I’m ready. My voice toward heaven getting louder each time. Finally He said, “No, you’re not.” I still insisted I was.
” But God, I…”
“No, you’re not ready”.
“Yes! I am! I worked and worked and worked!”
“No, you’re not ready.”
“Look God, I’m ready and nothing you say can convince me otherwise.”
“Fine. Prayer answered.”
The second day of the 7th month God answered my prayer. It was almost too much for me to take. (That should’ve been a clue right there.) It didn’t take me three weeks to completely mess it up and by the end of the 8th month find myself broken, empty handed and back to square one. I went to sit with God and eat loads of humble pie.
But God didn’t say “I told you so” like I expected Him to. He just picked me up and said, “Here’s the plan.” I spent the 9th month reviewing the five lessons I worked so hard to learn the first six months. Then in the 10th month God threw every gauntlet possible at me – things I couldn’t face back in the first six months – and I had to use my new skills to handle them. I did it. The lessons were now part of me. I internalized them and I also knew better than to go running back to God, telling Him I’m ready to have my prayer answered again. That proved to myself I “learned my lessons well”.
This month God “handcuffed” me again. I had to remain quiet and just listen. I couldn’t beg for things in prayer. I just had to ask God to be with my loved ones – no petitions. I tried the “But God, what about such n such” again and again, but got the same answer every time for the first two weeks of November – listen.
These last two weeks I continued to spend listening. Being still. Letting God work. Through these last two weeks I learned true surrender. Only – and I mean only, when I was able to give God full reign and let go completely (which happened in my heart last Thursday) my world changed. All day Thursday I felt light, free, and my world had color again. I remember coming down the stairs that morning “pain free” because I no longer owned the problem anymore. I didn’t have to worry about things I did or what others were thinking. I didn’t have to do anything anymore. Most of all – I didn’t have to fear the future anymore as I had for 300 some days.
Then ….on Friday…when I least expected it, late in the stillness of the night, without me asking and begging, God answered my prayer. And it was the right time. Instead of it being “too much for me”, it was very peaceful. It was the right time. It was God’s time. I came down the downside of the beach path and found myself safe on the shoreline. Ready this time. Ready to end the year with December’s charge of shedding the last of what’s left of me that is no longer needed. Ready to begin the building back up process required in 2012. Ready to do it right – as a person made new. Ready to wait on God for the next steps. Ready to pray in a new way.
And now, with holidays upon me, I have much to be thankful for – pain included – for it was pain of being bent and honed in the fire that I am able to emerge truly changed for the better. Yes, I pushed the envelope with God once, and I wouldn’t advise trying it. Tis better to rest in Him and…just listen.
And so, as another day goes by, I will continue to sit quiet and listen, but now I’ll do it with peace, freedom, gratitude, and total surrender, and …I have written.
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