Today in yoga class I was laying very still during the savasana, and the teacher said, “The only thing you can control in this room is your breath.” I have been going to yoga for 15 months, 3 or 4 times a week, and over the course of that time the teachers must have said that exact phrase well over 200 times, yet today is the first day I really heard it. I remember laying there thinking, “Wow, she’s right. I can’t control the heat, the windows, the door, the amount of or speed with which she delivers the dialogue – I can’t control any other factor that would make this easier for me – except my breath””.” And for some reason today, that really hit home.
In between poses, during the remaining savasanas, it began to occur to me that outside the studio it’s the same. The only thing I can control with any surety is my breath. No matter how many plans I make or thoughts I have, I don’t know what is going to happen for sure. All I really know is I can control how I breathe. That simplifies life quite a bit. There’s no way any of us can know what life has in store for us, but we can use our breath to see us through it.
For 58 years I spent Xmas with my mom and dad and brothers and sisters and whatever would make me think this year would be any different? Due to my husband’s recent heart difficulties, we decided to remain in Cape Cod this year and have our girls come here. At first I was excited – our first Xmas on the cape in our own home. Then it struck me that it will be the first Xmas of my entire life apart from my dad and siblings. I didn’t know how to take that. Then I remembered the breath. The only thing I can control to make my life less anxious and a bit easier during difficult times, was my breath.
Once outside in the car, I sat still for a few minutes and took a few cleansing breaths before starting home. It’ll be different this year, but it will be okay. Tonight both kids called and said they were excited to spend Xmas home for the first time and were overflowing with plans. Then they sprung a new idea on us – they both want to spend New Year’s Eve here too. Something I hold precious just occurred. My adult children WANTED to come spend New Year’s Eve with their PARENTS. A rarity these days. I guess my husband and I did something right after all.
A year ago not going home for Xmas would’ve really upset me. It’s what I’ve always done. This year, for some reason, I can handle it, quietly, and with a smile. It’s the shedding of the final thing – the big one – control. 12 months ago relinquishing control threw me into a depression. Now, after one year of taking a good hard look at myself, I no longer want control. I am more than eager to leave it all in God’s hands. Before leaving the house this morning I whispered to God, “Whatever you decide. I’ll let my husband make the call to go or stay, without influence from me.” When I got home he told me he called my family and broke the news that we wouldn’t be coming. And I was okay with it. Not sad or anxious at all. It’s a milestone for me. I really had “let go and let God”.
And so, as another day goes by, there really is peace and freedom in letting go – it’s not just a rumor, and ….I have written.
Leave a Reply