I miss me. I really do and I didn’t realize it until today. I miss the girl that looked forward to the first snow, really didn’t mind the cold weather, and loved the change of seasons. The girl whose spirits would soar at the first note of a Xmas carol or the first holiday light to appear in the neighborhood. I can still see her – but I can’t touch her or be her. I reach my hand out, but she’s behind a glass window catching snowflakes on her tongue.
The hurts and losses of the past 18 months have taken a toll. What was once a lush green field has been ravaged by sadness and is now brown mud with deep furrows. When I spoke of shedding things not needed in December, I never imagined I’d be leaving behind the whole old self of who I used to be.
I just can’t get into it this year. I do the minimum required of me as I’ve done with each special day all year long. The enthusiasm just isn’t there. I don’t know if this is how it’s going to be from now on, or if those old feelings will ever be allowed to return. Maybe this is just an incubation period before growing into the new person, to do the new things God has planned for 2012. (As I said yesterday, my glass is always half full)
I’m thankful for many things, even though my heart is not jumping for joy with holiday music. My family is healthy and doing well. Most important my husband has made it over a major health hurdle. Xmas is most definitely not about things and every Xmas can’t be a merry one. Some Christmases are just quiet ones where you sit in front of the tree and manger give gratitude and adjust your attitude.
And so, as another day goes by, I will take my own advice and keep my head up, mind clear, and heart open to whatever is in store for me next, and ….I have written.
Leave a Reply