Yesterday's revelation about God giving me what I need, not what I want, was actually bigger than I thought it was. For a long time I had a children's book in my heart just waiting to be written and illustrated. For Christmas my husband bought me art supplies and sketch pads in hopes of getting me going. I piled them up by the computer and walked by them and looked at them for 6 months now. I tried picking them up, but nothing. I was totally blocked. I had the book – text, title, illustrations, and even the cover inside me, but no energy to bring it out.
Instead, I'd spend all my energy asking God for what I wanted in a difficult situation He placed me in. I was ingenious in coming up with ways to tell Him "how it should be", instead of just putting it in His hands and getting on with the book. After quite a day with this lesson yesterday, last night I sat down and out fell the 22 page book. It scared me at first. I put it on the desk and went back two or three times to read it. The last time I read it, at 11 pm, a good feeling began to spread through me. I went to bed peacefully.
Today I woke up with the quote I quoted yesterday on my mind:
Sometimes God gives us what we need, not what we want.
I spent months getting Him to change that difficult situation. Now I clearly see it's exactly the situation I needed. Laura Story's song, Blessings, I cited yesterday, put that into perspective for me:
"What if your blessings come through raindrops,
What if your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near,
What if the trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?" (look up video on YouTube if you didn't yesterday)
I picked up my "book" again this morning. As I read it through, I realized it's the concept above, as seen through the eyes of a 7 year old. Just then Josh Wilson's song "I Refuse" came on the Pandora. When I finally realized life is not going to be about what I want, but about what I need, suddenly knew I wanted to write children's books that reach children about basic human kindness and compassion before they are old enough to become bullies.
My character and all her future adventures are spinning around in my head. The block is gone. I immediately signed up for a drawing class that I had been putting off for a year now, that will show me how to use my new tools. I am taking Writing for Children at the writers conference in August. I have a vision, a purpose, and most importantly, a rough draft to take to that conference, where 48 hours ago I had nothing but pain and tears. I was still stamping my feet insisting God do it my way. I guess I was literally acting like God's child, and He, like any good father, stayed firm and showed me the way it has to be. He used books, songs, photos and videos. He used artists and their art to guide me since January. Then, as soon as I quieted, He made me see He wants to use my art and words to speak to children. I guess He knew what He was doing when He gave me a 35 year teaching career. And now He's telling me it isn't over, because every ending is really a beginning…..so I Refuse…
"I don't want to live like I don't care,
I don't want to say another empty prayer,
Oh I refuse….
To sit around wait for someone else,
To do what God has called me to do myself,
Oh I could choose, not to move,
But I refuse…."
"I Refuse" by Josh Wilson ~ YouTube (videos won't upload after I linked to google -working on this!)
And so, as another day goes by, I think the world, (especially the way it is today) should pay more attention to God – He really is very smart and helpful, and …I have written.
Congratulations! “You’ve come a long way, baby!” I’m so proud of you – the fact that you wrote your 22 page book AND signed up for art lessons. You’ve made a HUGE leap forward.
I’m still struggling with my eyesight in my left eye. The eye doctor said the floaters will dissipate…but my Ambrose block is still there. I think they’re connected somehow. I’m trying to be patient. Reading your blog everyday is giving me hope that something will change…. I’m trying to get rid of the old and have decided to have that yard sale (on Saturday – I decided at the last minute and have 4 days to get ready) that’s been needed for 5 years. Maybe physically getting rid of the stuff will open the energy path for new energy. I’m hoping.
Peace,
D