Today I read something that posed an interesting question: What is your source of light? When an artist begins a drawing, he first identifies his source of light because it affects the depth, shading, and every other step of the picture. Sometimes, like the artist, in life we need to step back and identify our source of light.
I stood back and looked at “what drives me”? What do I seek? In every situation I found it was approval. I wanted the approval of first my parents, then my teachers, then my friends, and eventually my spouse and children. What is it about approval that drives us? It’s like a drug. It’s makes you feel good, and then you just want more, until you can’t have a part of your life that isn’t driven by it. You learn to look for approval in everything you do, buy, watch, listen to, hang with, eat, wear, – until your personal style depends on approval. It causes struggle, confusion, and it gets exhausting always trying to please and be accepted. Yes, this was myself I recognized here. Trying to tell myself things like: please yourself instead of everyone else and do what you want to do and if people don’t like it, tough. That never worked for me. Approval always won out.
Now, I figured out that if approval is your source of light, it’s where you get your energy and direction, and if it’s from people, you will always be be in a constant state of stress, struggle, and indecision, and eventually – exhaustion. For me, I have had to shift my source of light back to God. A little closer walk with my maker changes things dramatically. The way I look at myself and deal with others takes on a different color. When it became more important to me what people wanted me to do, instead of asking God what I should do, is where I lost my way. Over the past year, dealing with loss, I looked to people for support. What I found was other people can’t carry your burdens – they have their own. Only God is strong enough to shoulder it and point you in the right direction. Going into a tailspin and cycling out of control due to grabbing at people for help and support left me in a far worse place than if I had kept my focus on God. I now ask myself, why would you depend on people, who have just as much baggage as you do, and not go to the one who knows all, and sees all, including the future? Seems kind of simple in hindsight.
And so, as another day goes by, it’s important to identify your source of light, and….I have written.
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