Today I went to 4pm yoga. Forced myself to go to 4pm yoga, I should say. I didn’t do a whole lot today, but last night I was up at 2:15 am. I lay in front of the tv for an hour, then finally got up and went downstairs. I sat in my rocking chair and listened to music. I felt hungry (which is very odd in the middle of the night). I made a waffle and settled back in my rocking chair and suddenly my mind went back some 30 years and I was thinking how I sat in this very chair many nights from 2 to 4 am rocking and feeding a baby, and finally, at about 4:30 I’d put the quiet, sleeping baby back to bed. That’s what last night felt like. I went to bed at 4:30 am and tried to sleep fitfully.
Morning came, I got up at my usual time. Was too tired to go anywhere, but pushed myself to drive up cape to bible study. Bible study is just as important as yoga and not to be missed just because I’m tired. Today’s video and discussion were on forgiveness and planted seeds in my brain that I was just too tired to cultivate today, but will be needed in the future. Even my prayer time left me anxious. Something was going on with someone somewhere, so I carefully prayed for all those I love. After bible study, I sleepily went to the hospice office for a meeting, then dragged myself home. Ate, napped (which did no good), and then it was 3:30. Time for yoga. I just didn’t pay attention to my exhausted body and jumped into the car and went.
As I lay on my mat in the hot room (and I mean really hot – I knew this wasn’t going to go well today) before class, my friend’s husband came and put his mat next to me. He’d been an avid follower of my mindful experiment last week, so he asked me if my mind was here today. I laughed and said, “Absolutely not, today. It’s anywhere but in this hot room.”
Then I thought about it. During the time I was driving around tired I actually said to myself, “Well, you were up with the baby all night.” This was an odd, unnerving feeling that had my thoughts at loose ends and my stomach feeling shaky and nervous – like jelly all day. I just couldn’t find a place of peace, no matter what I did. And now I was lying on this mat dreading the work this class was going to be.
We were through the standing series and headed for the floor and I hadn’t even drawn a deep breath yet. On the floor I began to get a little thirsty, but I stood fast to my belief of no drinking during class. By the end of the floor series I found my body totally sinking into the poses and going deeper than I did all week. After camel, I lay in savasana and realized the jelly-belly was gone. I was relaxed, settled, centered, and – the best – part – not tired anymore. I finished strong and drove home feeling better than I did all day.
I knew pushing through all the excuses my mind and body were giving me not to go, was the right thing to do. I stuck to my rule – if I’m in town and don’t have something to go to, I am in that studio. Tired, ate too much, didn’t hydrate enough, etc. – none of it cuts it. And the yoga didn’t let me down. I’m home, showered, relaxed and “me” again.
Sometimes we need to follow the rules we make for ourselves, even when we don’t want to. That’s why we create the rules in the first place – we already know they’ll be days where our body and mind will try to take advantage of a weak moment, and we know pushing through is what’s best for us.
Think about a rule you might have made for yourself. Do you follow it in times of weakness? Try to – it’s a wonderful way to take care of yourself when your mind and body are checking out and leaving you hanging. The rule is meant to be your safety net.
And so, as another day goes by, that “baby” better sleep tonight, and…I have written.
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