First thing this morning grief and loss were laid across my table. Max Lucardo wrote about having to face your grief and loss. He described it as I lived it, perfectly:
“The giant stirs up loss of appetite, insomnia, forgetfulness, thoughts of suicide. Grief is not a mental illness, but sure feels like one sometimes. Your friends may not understand this. You may not understand this. But please try. Understand the gravity of your loss. You didn’t lose at Monopoly or misplace your keys. You can’t walk away from this. At some point, within minutes or months, you must face your grief.”
I spent twelve months learning that lesson the hard way. You have to face your grief and loss. You can’t walk away from it for six months like I did. I put myself back together in such a way that this will never happen again when faced with loss.
Within minutes of reading this, the funeral of yet another fallen firefighter in our area came on the TV. The second one in two weeks. Both great dads with wives and small children. My husband and I were in tears. Then the story about the house fire in Stamford Connecticut where the lady, going through a divorce, lost all three of her children and her parents on Christmas morning, was on again. She was out there in the dark walking aimlessly over the yard just repeating “My whole life was in that house.” Such grief and loss, ten times mine. My daughter kept saying “Mom, how’s she going to this?”. I thought to myself, I know exactly how she, and the families of the firefighters are going to do this. I know exactly what path they are going to walk down. I know exactly what their 2012 is going to be like. And my heart breaks for them. I will pray for them.
Many times this year I have posed the question “Why does God let bad things happen?” And now, at the end of my journey, so near the very last night of it, I get my answer. Today walking down the beach road, praying for these families, it suddenly occurred to me had I not gone on this painful journey this year, I could not know their pain. I could not have true compassion for their loss had I never experienced loss myself. I could not pray with such understanding and fervor.
I also now understand the line in the song “No Matter What” by Kerrie Roberts that says “a heartache can’t touch my life until it passes through Your hands”. God fashions all of our heartaches and tailors them to each of our lives. They are for a propose. The purpose is so that we may understand in order to have compassion. After we learn compassion, we move on to learning real joy. Joy comes from helping others. Joy comes from doing what God had in mind for each of our particular lives.
I have noticed that when things go wrong – like my husband’s heart problems – I am so ready to see the reason instead of ask God “Why us?”. Both my husband and I have spent the last two weeks marveling at the life changing things coming out of this situation for our family. My husband’s favorite line from the song “What Faith Can Do” by Kutless is “you can’t see the silver lining until you face the clouds”. How true.
And so, as another day, at the end of another year, goes by, I stand amazed at how much I have learned this year and how truly changed I really am, and….I have written.
PS- I guess God DOES understand….He had His own way of learning compassion…
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