I did it! I did it! I did the one minute camel! (Can you tell I’m jumping for joy?) You might think it’s only 60 seconds and, come on, anybody can do anything for 60 seconds. But, ah, this is camel! Lessons of fear and trust reside in camel. Everyday, still, after eight months, when I flip back into it my mind is immediately yelling I’m afraid I can’t stay the 20 seconds. I don’t trust the teacher to watch the time. She’s going to be correcting someone and leave me hanging here! Everyday, 320 classes, and still, the same fear and mistrust starts building in half tortoise (pose before camel). You’d think by now, the familiarity of that 20 seconds would’ve erased the fear. Nope, not yet.
So today, you can imagine when we were presented with the challenge of a 60 second camel, the fear that shot through me as I did the sit-up and got into position. (We were offered this challenge before, but I never even contemplated it – I’d count my 20 seconds and lie down) I knelt on the top of my mat, placed my hands on my back, dropped down half-way, and as soon as I let go and placed my hands on my heels, the fear started gripping me and I wanted to get up after only about 10 seconds. Then, all of a sudden, as I thrust my hips toward the mirror really hard, something took hold of me and said, “You’re breathing, the pain is so minimal! You can stay here.” I pushed right through the fear and stayed for the full minute. As I put my hands on my back, got up, sat down and then laid down for savasana, I know my mouth was open in shock, and in my mind I just kept saying, “wow!”, as I waited for my heart rate to return to normal. As I lay there, I knew I was safe. I knew I was okay. I did it! I trusted and beat the fear….
Today I learned that fear and mistrust reside in our mind. We are capable of so much more than we think we are. Fear and mistrust are never from God, and if they’re not from God, they can’t be from anyplace good. My “whisper” that I can do it and I was safe was from someplace good, a place of God. I used to think conquering the fear of the unknown was all about just being tougher. Now I realize it’s not about being tough. It’s about being smart enough to know I’m fighting something that only exists in my mind.
Lately, when the fear of the unknown grips me, I look to my Higher Power and say the prayer that never fails: “Thy will be done.” Immediately peace floats around me, knowing that the future is not in my hands. Tomorrow in camel, I will flip backward and think “Thy will be done”. I will practice giving over complete control and letting God work through the teacher and the pose to further instruct me about fear and trust inside the studio, to translate to life outside the studio.
And so, as another day goes by, I dedicate this blog to my good friend, whose nickname is Camel, and also knows a lot about “Thy will being done”, and …I have written.
Congratulations – did not realize you had done it.