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August 11th, 2011 This summer I just completed a beginning drawing class. In six weeks I went from breaking out into a cold sweat when faced with putting the pencil to the paper to using crayons, pencils, pastels, and even charcoal with almost giddy excitement. I draw everything. I came to view it like child’s play and if I don’t like it I can just throw it away. (That line of thinking took the pressure off completely.) I can’t believe I was even at such ease drawing in front of the teacher and other students in the class. We had music on and I was using tools I never knew existed, blending with cotton swabs, and painting water over my creation. I actually found a place of utter relaxation and contentment in drawing.
I started out drawing on 8×10 paper. The teacher said bigger. So I graduated to 18×12. She said, “Bigger yet!”, so I opened up the 18×24. Wow. Facing such a big piece of paper was disconcerting to say the least. I had to get an easel to hold the monster. Having grown under her praise, I stood in front of the easel, sighed, and dove in. I kept my nose literally to the paper and never quite felt pleased with my work. I’d just leave it on the easel and go sit in my chair. Amazingly, when I sat in the chair across the room and looked at it, I liked it. I figured out that the paper is so huge that when I am working on it, I’m so close to it that I can’t get the total perspective. Backing away let me see all the intricate parts that I didn’t like individually put together to form “the big picture” – much more pleasing to the eye.
In life, I have also learned to back away and try to see “the big picture”. Many times my limited view kept me focused on just what was good for me and excluded what the other person needed. It’s not always about me – in fact, as soon as I back away it becomes apparent that it’s never about me and as soon as I see what the other person needs, the ego is put away. I can be what they need me to be.
And so, as another day goes by, I am once again enlightened in the art of living, and…I have written.
August 10th, 2011 In three days I will be 58 years old and today is the first time I ever went to a movie alone. I was 56 before I ever went to a restaurant and had a meal alone. One would think I didn't like my own company.
I thought that too, when first thinking about never having done those things alone before. Now that I have the time to look back and think about it, it's not that I don't like my own company, but when, for years, your life is crammed with work, two children and three homes, there really isn't much time to spend with yourself. I actually kind of needed permission to go to the movie today. Last week, when I was at the movies with my husband, a young girl with a large popcorn climbed to the top row alone and settled herself in the middle of the row and promptly enjoyed the movie. For some reason, that stuck with me and upon seeing The Help opening today on the morning news, I got the idea that after my women's bible group, I'd go by myself to see it. (Movies rarely open on a Wednesday so that was unusual in itself, too).
Now, after the movie, (which, by the way, was a "must see") I'm sitting outside of the Cape Cod Mall having coffee in the late afternoon sun, feeling pretty pleased with myself. Julia Cameron's book, The Artists Way, instructs us to take our artist self out on a weekly date, so today is self-date day. She says to go out alone and just see what there is to see, hear what there is to hear, and feel what there is to feel. I have learned it's a whole different experience when you are alone. You listen to yourself and pay attention to "how" you take in the world. I've done many of these "artist dates" since I started the book in the spring, but the movie was new, and a bit odd and scary at the same time. Buying one ticket and waiting in line for popcorn alone was at first disconcerting, but when I was still in line 15 minutes after the movie start time and the anxious feeling started honing in, I realized I was alone and if it didn't bother me to go in late, there was no one else for me to get anxious over. That was a cool revelation in itself. I relaxed, got my popcorn, and even got my usual seat, just in time for the movie to start.
It's good, really good, to go out alone and experience some small thing you've never tried before. Paying undivided attention to oneself now and then is essential to having enough attention for everyone else in your life on the rest of your days.
And so, as another day goes by, I learned I'm not a bad first date, and …I have written.
August 9th, 2011 Today I came across a sentence about love. It struck me so hard, that just sharing it with you is enough said:
The strength of love becomes most apparent when it refuses to be sidetracked by the failures of its beloved.
And so, as another day goes by, so much said in so few words, and…I have written.
August 8th, 2011 There I was, morning yoga class, in Standing Separate Head to Knee pose, forehead smashed against my knee (don’t even ask how you connect those parts), sinuses running out from somewhere in my nasal cavity while at the same time, sweat is running up my nose (again, don’t ask), and here is what the instructor says:
“You are supposed to be uncomfortable. This class is about finding peace in those uncomfortable moments in life.”
Well, she was right about the uncomfortable part, but as I was also trying to balance and keep my hands together in front of my toes, peace was far from what I felt. I made up my mind to find that peace in the second set. I do recall reading that Bikram said you’re supposed to find ten seconds of stillness in each posture. I found that just changing my I intention toward the second set, changed the way I felt in the pose. I did it with more purpose and when I was bent over I just stilled my body, stopped trying to adjust everything, and sure enough found peace and stillness amid the uncomfortableness.
How many of us can think of that time when we wish we’d acted or responded differently? And that other time when we wish we hadn’t caved into a pile of pathetic mush? And then there were the other times when we made it about us, instead of listening and paying attention to others. I’d like to think finding peace in uncomfortable yoga positions on a day to day basis will carry over into my life so that when the above happens, I can stop myself from going in one of these directions. Hopefully, peace in the midst of uncomfortable life situations will allow me to make better choices in how I respond to those I love and to the unexpected curveballs life throws my way.
And so, as another day goes by, once again the yoga teaches me to be my own guru, and …I have written.
August 7th, 2011 Today is a cozy, rainy Sunday on Cape Cod which means only one thing – movies! My husband and I just got back from seeing The Change-Up. It was hilariously funny with an obvious underlying message. Two best friends switch lives, but not bodies, for a week. One is a lawyer and one is an actor, so their lifestyles are on opposite ends of the spectrum, creating the humor.
As both characters slowly get what they need from each other’s lifestyle to make changes in themselves, it got me thinking toward the end. Maybe it’s good to spend a little meditation time imagining ourselves in someone else’s life. It would, as it did in the movie, highlight the things and people in our everyday lives that we’d have to give up to be someone else. Maybe your favorite chair and the view out your front window are suddenly something you might not want to part with. Maybe the love you get and get to give the people in your family seems a bit more precious if suddenly they didn’t know you anymore.
The movie had us laughing out loud, but it also had us leaving holding hands just a bit tighter. The Change-Up – yes, I do recommend it for a rainy Sunday afternoon.
And so, as another day goes by, dinner is next, followed by Red Sox/Yankees, and ….I have written.
August 6th, 2011 …only a mother could love. Walking out of the garage this morning and seeing my usually neat and tidy porch covered with beach chairs and a bin of stuff out of the back of my daughter’s car, I suddenly felt happy. Another weekend with both girls and their friends, and later two families from NY renting nearby, coming for dinner and our weekend campfire, I said to my husband, “This is what this beach-house is supposed to about all summer – different sets of friends and relatives, the kids and their friends, all coming at different times. It makes me feel like I went on multiple vacations without having to leave home.”
We smiled, joined hands, and I know both of us were remembering the days when this was only a dream. The day we walked this beach and I stamped my foot in the sand and said, “We have to find a way to own a piece of this place.” And now, I stand here on my porch and give tremendous thanks for a dream of so many years ago, come true. My email signature says “You can never give up on the things you love ….not ever!” (Charlotte on Private Practice) It’s true. Don’t give up on whatever or whomever you love.
Just for fun – cause’ that what cape weekends are all about – play “I spy” on my porch and join in our fun:
Can you find:
– someone’s white socks
– a pair of winter boots (don’t ask!)
– a yoga mat
– a jug all made of drink ready for the beach
And so, as another day goes by, I am truly blessed beyond what I deserve, and…contentedly, I have written.
August 5th, 2011 I have spent the summer reading the Mitford series by Jan Karon. The main character is an episcopal priest. Now, you may think, just as I did, how could a book about an episcopal priest be even close to interesting? A sixty two year old priest at that. That’s what I said to my friend when she told me how she was hooked on the series. I promised to get the first one and give it a try.
Well, I was really surprised. Father Tim is who I want to be. I identified with his thoughts and prayers. I learned about “how people work” from the way he interacted with his parishioners, wife, and child. Father Tim met his wife at 62 and was afraid of love. They adopted their son when he was 21 after raising him when he was dropped on Father Tim’s doorstep at age 11. I also learned a lot more about how God and prayer “works” in people’s lives. While Father Tim and Cynthia are fictional characters, the things learned from them are not. Jan Karon created amazing characters and wove such wisdom and teaching into stories about them that hook you from book one. Definitely not some boring religious story.
Since April, Father Tim and the rest of the cast of Karon’s characters have calmed me down, given me a sense of security, taught me to give gratitude and focus more on the things I DO have than what I don’t, appreciate my home and pillow each night, and reassured me that prayer is alive and well and working all over this world.
I truly have never seen such comforting stories about a person’s life that you just can’t put down. The photo below gives you an excerpt where Father Tim talks to his son and his girlfriend. The message is a great one about love and applies to all kinds of love – not just the romantic. The books are far from “preachy” and shows you don’t need a “structure” wooden or otherwise, to know God and have Him truly work in your life. Moving through my days with Father Tim as he moved through his, was a huge boon to my journey and healing.
And so, as another day goes by, I’m worried about the last book, “Burying Father Tim”, and …I have written.
August 4th, 2011 Remy’s on the waterfront in Boston… gin n tonic and tomato mozzarella sandwich for dinner…after an afternoon at the Chilhuly exhibit at the MFA…a glass exhibit that was ultra-amazing …..The Voice concert tonight at the Bank of America Pavilion….a day with my hubby celebrating our birthdays and our 36th anniversary ….and such wonderful weather to boot! Today….Boston rocks!
And so, as another day goes by, life is definitely good, and …I have written.
August 3rd, 2011 When I opened my eyes to the morning light at about 6 am, God was right there with a message. “There’s a new software update waiting to be downloaded into your soul”. I sat up, put each foot to the floor to the words “Thank…you”, and proceeded downstairs for my morning tea to wait for my update.
I sat with tea in hand and picked up a card given to me by a friend in the spring, at a crucial time in my journey. It was a time when I had one foot in depression and the other foot climbing out. It was a unique card. It was written in letter format:
Dear Linda,
Then a beautiful letter composed of scripture verses, and signed,
Your Heavenly Father
I keep that card by my chair and have read it everyday since. One verse that catches my mind daily is “I will tell you great and unsearchable truths.” I’ve been waiting two months for some “great unsearchable truth” and I had a feeling today was the day. I proceeded to move on to my morning reading and there it was, just waiting for me to download it:
“Although, we may come to realize that it may be our way of loving that needs to be shed and not who or what we care for.”
~ Mark Nepo
After the download was complete, it was a big Ah..ha moment. Many times when we love someone and hit major bumps in the road (trust, etc.) we are too ready to say “That person hurt me and should be put out of my life.” When, maybe, just maybe, we should step back and look at “how” we go about loving someone. Do we smother them, nag them, and completely squash the spirit we fell in love with in the first place, due to our fear of losing them? Or do we constantly pull them close then push them away, confusing them, due to our fear of getting hurt? We might find that by changing our MO instead of changing the person, the relationship just might take on a new dimension. Change the “how”, not the “who” and permanent, long-lasting relationships may not be that far out of reach. Who would’ve thought? Only God, of course.
And so, as another day goes by, I am now the proud possessor of one “great unsearchable truth”, and ….I have written.
August 2nd, 2011 This past year my children have been laughing at my new “soap addiction”. Everyday, I get home from yoga, shower and sit down with lunch and the newspaper. It just so happens this particular soap, The Young and The Restless, is on at just about that time.
I watched the very first episode with my mom when I was twelve. Everyday I’d get home from school to watch that show with her. I’d lay on the floor on a pillow and she’d be in her chair, as the characters, over the years, became actual “family members”. If you ever heard mom and I talk about them you’d swear we were talking about people we knew. In fact, my father often thought we were talking about real people and ask, “Who are you talking about?”
As the years went on, and I went away to college, got married and worked full time, I’d have to keep up with my “TV family” on school vacations. I’d often call mom in the middle of the show and ask “Who is that person? What happened to so and so? Who’d she marry?” My husband always thought we were talking about real people too, and laugh when I told him I was asking mom about the people on our “stories”, as both my mom and grandmother referred to our soaps.
Now my mom is gone, but the Y&R family still lives on in my livingroom everyday. There are days I have a question about a character, or a twist in the plot is about to happen, and I actually reach for the phone to text her. For the last year of her life we texted back and forth a lot during our “stories”.
So fear not, my dear children, your mother did not develop a soap opera addiction after retiring. For me, it’s just an hour a day I still feel connected with my mom, your Grandma. Many times I tell her, “Oh Ma, you should see what that Jill did now!” That, and it just happens to be on at a convenient time in my schedule, and …oh yes, who am I kidding? I’m just a bit hooked after following these people’s lives for 46 years.
And so, as another day goes by, it’s funny, the different ways people choose to remain in our lives even after they have passed on, and…I have written.
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