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August 1st, 2011 …filled with endless washing of towels and sheets, vacuuming and sweeping, cleaning bathrooms, wondering just where the rest of the beach towels went…and missing them.
It was a great weekend with five girls – my two daughters and their three friends. Wonderful beach time, food and drink, laughter, funny photos and such, but now it’s back to my solitary life. Today was all about just me once more. Yoga kicked my butt, then I got time for The Talk and a little rest. Art class resumes tomorrow night, so some sketching in the garage, followed by a little reading and words with friends, interspersed with trips up and down to the laundry, and…..I’m tired. The weekend was fun, but tonight it’s early to bed. Cheerios for dinner, a glass of Pino Grigio, more words with friends…and that should do it.
I always get the “lonleys” the day a huge group leaves after the weekend. To make it better, I just make it about me. One thing I have come to learn on my journey is the practice of self-care when you feel yourself slipping will always bring comfort, peace, and rest. I learned that whenever fatigue or depression is lurking in the form of loneliness or sadness, I have to stop and think of what I can do right now to nurture myself. It can be as small as a glass of wine or a nap, but anything that makes me feel “taken care of” quickly zaps that lonely feeling and changes my thinking.
And so, as another day goes by, I end my evening being gentle with myself, and…I have written.
July 31st, 2011 Jealousy…..this is a topic I have been avoiding on my journey for months. I never viewed myself as a jealous person. If anyone else alluded to me being jealous, I could never, never see how that could apply to me. Until now.
My six month journey has been about facing the fear of loss. It has taken six months to realize that’s EXACTLY what jealousy is. It’s the fear of loss. Everything that has been written about jealousy is true. It does rear it’s ugly head. And it does come from a place of severe evil. I know of several people who are still battling it, and I don’t envy them. Jealousy is the breeder of frenetic energy. It causes one to “fight constantly for” what they fear to lose. It makes one think that you are “doing good” to fight for those or that which you love. What really happens is, the harder you fight, the more you lose. The answer?
Put your arms down by your side. Look up. Give it to your higher power. Stop. Experience “the peace and understanding” only God can give. Imagine…..how much easier is it to just stand there and let God do His thing, than to constantly engage in email and texting “strategies” to manipulate those you love into doing what you want them to do. Any form of manipulation of another is totally wrong and generates negative energy. If someone is meant to be in your life, let that come from God. Not you. When you try to place someone in your life into a prescribed place you have made for them, it ends in disaster. You are not God. You don’t know God’s plan for the other person. Stop. “Tell God your needs and don’t forget to thank Him for His answers” – even if it’s no. Trust me, it’s a far more peaceful way of living to accept NO from God than to try to force life to go in the way YOU want it too.
Still, after more than 40 years with God, He’s not buying it that I am His assistant – no matter how many times I’ve tried to do it “my way” for Him, all these years.
And so, as another day goes by, I resort to the first thing I’ve learned on this journey – “be a vehicle for the spirit”, and ….I have written.
July 30th, 2011 The song “Hair” on Lady Gaga’s album “Born This Way” spoke to me this morning on my beachwalk. This weekend, with my girls and their friends here, I’m glad my daughters never had to utter those words to my husband and me. We always told them (and showed them) that they were loved and accepted regardless of their beliefs or life choices – even if they were vastly different from ours.
Children are people, in their own right, not mini-me’s. They need to be listened to, respected, and told over and over again they are loved, no matter what. If more people would spend more time enjoying the person their child is growing up to be, and spend less time trying to package them according to their own wants and needs, we’d be able to cut the number of teen suicides in half.
I, myself, have enjoyed watching “who” my children were becoming. It was like getting a present each new year of their lives. Right now, I know of a mom who is alienating her daughter because she is gay and has a partner. So sad. This mom doesn’t know the person she’s missing out on knowing and I hope in time, things work out between them.
I am 58 years old and the “Leave It To Beaver” world I grew up in is long gone. I have to change with the times and ideas of the world my children grew up in. “I Am” also “My Hair”. I’m forever getting told by my friends that not many in our circle can pull it off. Hmmm…it took me until I was 50 to even try. I spent the better part of my life pleasing my parents, teachers, grandparents, and eventually my husband, that who I really was rarely ever surfaced until my kids were grown and almost gone. I never wanted my kids to grow up doing that. I’m thankful for artists like Lady G who encourage our youth to be themselves and realize God made them perfect just as they are. In a recent interview she said, “I’m Italian! I believe in ghosts and Jesus!”. I knew we had a winner right then and there.
And so, as another day goes by, it’s good to “be your hair”, and I have written.
July 30th, 2011 This is what is known at our house as “girls weekend”. For the fifth year in a row our daughter has had a reunion with her “college crowd”. This year our older daughter and her friend joined them. We cook for them, make drinks, have campfire time, go to the beach with them, be their DD for a night on the town, and just have the best time hosting them for the weekend.
It has been our pleasure to watch this group grow and mature through boyfriends, careers, and now one wedding. We (my husband and I ) feel very lucky to have had the years with these girls that we have had. We are also thankful that both of our daughters feel free to bring their closest friends here and share them with us. It’s what family is all about. Tonight I dedicate this blog to “girls weekend” aka “bitches weekend” and am so so glad to have my two girls and their best friends here with me.
And so, as another day goes by, being a “mom” is the best thing in the world, and…I have written.
July 28th, 2011 Walking the beach is something I do almost daily. I do it when I’m down. I do it when I’m up. I do it when I’m in the middle. To me, the beach represents heaven on Earth. It calms my spirits, lifts my spirits, and straightens out my sometimes twisted thinking. One meditation this week was about walking. I wanted to share it with you because I spent many hours on my journey this year doing it and I couldn’t have put into words what it’s done for me any better than Julia Cameron did in this piece. Enjoy …then put your feet to the ground.
And so, as another day goes by, the journey to the shore continues, and….I have written.
July 27th, 2011 Today was “one of those days”. Not the kind where one thing just seems to go wrong after another. Those kind of days are engaging, energizing, and usually leave me with a sense of some kind of accomplishment.
This day was one of those super-low to no energy days. The kind I used to have back in the winter, in the early stages of my journey. I haven’t had one in over two months, so I was very surprised to find the extreme fatigue plaguing me at the end of my morning activity. I had so many ambitions for the afternoon that would keep me hopping right up until 5pm when it would be time to leave for my blog group meeting. It was the most gorgeous sunny, low humidity Cape Cod day and I planned to exercise, go for a run, and mow the grass.
Driving home from a women’s Bible study group I’m trying for the summer, ( I’m not much for organized religion and this one isn’t like that – but that’s another blog) the fatigue started taking over. When I got home, I thought lunch and a 10 minute cat-nap would have me up and out the door in no time. How wrong I was. After the cat-nap, I still couldn’t get out of my chair.
I began thinking this is ridiculous. Nothing is wrong, life in all categories is holding it’s own, and I slept great last night. I decided to put to the test the “get up and exercise and release the endorphins” theory. I dragged myself to my exercise machine. Half way through, where I was expecting that “Yeah! Now I feel strong!” feeling to kick in – nothing. I just wanted to sit down. But I pushed through and then went for a run, thinking now, this will wake me up. No dice. Still wanted to return to the chair, but once again I didn’t give in. I got out my bike and rode the neighborhood. When I got back I thought I’d be ready to tackle the lawn. Again, I just wanted the chair.
Next strategy: feel your feelings. I went back to the chair, somewhat comforted that I at least had exercised, but disappointed that my body seemed to have a severe endorphin shortage today. I lay in the chair, quieted my anxiety, and just gave in to “today I don’t feel like doing anything”, as Bruno croons daily over the airwaves. I closed my eyes and slept a bit more. Also, I hadn’t felt like eating much lunch, and still did not want food. As I gave into what I was feeling, gave myself permission to listen to my body, I felt better, but still didn’t regain much energy.
Last ditch effort – connect with others and get energized. After four I dragged myself to the shower and got ready for my blog group meeting. By the time I was in the car and on my way, I felt a spark. I arrived at Starbucks and settled myself with a yogurt – appetite was coming back – and a coffee (caffeine should do it) and played a little Words With Friends on my phone.
My group arrived shortly. We had one new member, one other member, and me. It was two hours of animated and engaging conversation. We learned, shared, and connected in a writer’s way. My energy returned and by the end of our meeting, I was myself again. There was actually a spring in my step as I made my way to my car.
I really think the turning point of my day was giving into the messages my body was sending and taking the time to feel what I was feeling and giving it the chance to run it’s course. It’s not fun while going through it, but it’s quicker and easier than denying it. I always had trouble accepting the negative, but I’m learning it can’t be a bed of roses everyday and sometimes “what is” just has to be what it is and I have to let it go at that. “Feel your feelings, then let them go” proved itself once again.
And so, as another day goes by, I continue on the downside of the beach path, treading slippery sand carefully, and…I have written.
July 26th, 2011 Today is the private funeral of Amy Winehouse. May God bless her soul and on this day help her find peace.
I was on a train bound for Boston Saturday when I got the news from my daughter of her passing. I felt sucker-punched. I was sick, literally sick, to think this young girl couldn't find the courage to pick up the phone, or worse yet, out of all the people in her life, felt she had no one to call. As one who has been on the receiving end of one of those phone calls, Amy's death brought a traumatic time in my life rushing back to me. I sat on the train in tears behind my sunglasses, mourning for Amy, praying for peace for her soul, and giving such heartfelt thanks that my friend mustered up the courage to pick up that phone many years ago and is still walking this earth and carving out a happy life today.
Life, with it's unending struggle between good and evil, is hard enough, but especially hard for those coming from a dark place and clawing their way into the light. That journey is hard-fought and takes tremendous strength and courage from somewhere deep inside. I dedicate this blog to my friend, whose courage and fortitude I admire, and whose love, light, and energy has blessed our household all these years. May she continue to walk her road in peace.
And so, as another day goes by, I pray for courage to be found by all those who think they are at the end of their road, and… I have written.
July 25th, 2011 “Be here now. This is truly the only place you need to be. And from this place, all things are possible.” ~ Melody Beattie
Live in the moment. Live for today. Live in the here and now. These are concepts I’ve always had difficulty with. I’m always looking at the past, wanting to change things I cannot change and at the same time I’m looking at the future with fear of making the wrong move, saying the wrong thing, or taking the wrong turn. The part I forget about completely is where I’m standing when I’m having these useless thoughts. The moment. The here and now. Today.
Tonight I made an effort at placing my thoughts in the present. I was doing my still life homework for my art class tomorrow night, and I slowly began to realize that when I am doing art, I am totally in the moment. I thought back to my previous week’s homework, and to drawing “drapery” in class last week, and it was the same thing. My mind was totally in the moment. I was totally relaxed. I felt joy in doing what I was doing and being exactly where I was. The quote above says all things are possible from the here and now. In each instance, as I began the drawing, I would doubt I could complete it. By plunging in and engaging in the process without fear, I would begin to see the image take shape on the paper. Tonight I experimented with crayon and water. (I was drawing the plant on the counter of my yoga studio – I took a picture of it and drew from the picture. The plant struck me and I felt compelled to draw it.) I’m finding that when I’m involved in a drawing, I don’t venture into the past or the future. I’m not thinking of what happened yesterday or what I have to do tomorrow. I’m not thinking of the people in my life, the bills I need to pay, the emails and phone calls I need to attend to, etc. I totally get lost in the moment of creation.
Tonight, I confess, I did two drawings. The first one I hurried. That’s me. Always getting ahead of myself. I went to color too quickly and applied it too heavily. I didn’t like the picture at all. So I started over. I forced myself to slow down and find joy in drawing the outline carefully. Shading with the charcoal. Adding color in stages. Taking small brush strokes with the water. Attending to the bumps on the pot with patience. Sure enough, it was possible to recreate the picture of the plant. I’ve also come to understand that I’m not trying to recreate the photo. I’m creating an image I’m drawn to as I see it. I’m finding my style – my artist’s voice. I finally realize it’s not supposed to look like the photo. There is great freedom in this. Freedom that I could only discover by living in the here and now, and not getting ahead of myself.
And so, as another day goes by, I I have spent quality time in the moment, slowed myself down, and…I have written.
July 24th, 2011 ….the downside of the beach path. When I wrote the “Footprints in the Sand” blog not too many days ago, I was standing at the top of the beach path, feeling mighty victorious. I savored my victory, knowing that soon I’d have to begin the descent to the beach below. I also know this sand leaning downward toward the beach is not only unbearably hot some days, (like Friday), but gives way under your feet, you lose control and have to stop and regain your footing. Many a beach chair has bruised and nicked my ankles on these descents.
I also said in that blog that this “journey” to the beach would take place over the next six months and I should reach the shore by Xmas. These past days I have been making my way down ever so carefully until the very hot, fragile sand made me try to hurry my way down to the water. All I could think about was how great it was going feel when I finally plunged my feet into the cool surf. What happened? You can guess. Feet went out from under me, and though I escaped major damage by the beach chair, I had to stop, pause, rest, back up, and think before proceeding. It was time to apply all that I learned on my upward journey over the last six months. Time to be quiet, practice deference, and retreat to just being a vehicle for the spirit.
Some hearts, like these grains of sand, are fragile and can’t stand a lot of pressure. And that’s okay. The downward path is not so much about my safe navigation, as much as it is about the fragility of the human spirit, which must be patiently cultivated so trust can build slow and steady, and one day stand heart to heart on the firm, hard-packed sand of the shoreline.
And so, as another day goes by, my feet are still, I’ve got a good grip on my beach chair, and I’m ready for the next step, and….I have written.
*-this post is dedicated to my dear friend, Stacey, who has held my hand on this journey through the most miserable of winter days, and everyday since. Thanks Stace.
July 23rd, 2011 Lord, help me get it right….
Sometimes we think we know the way. We are so sure. Then it all crumbles in our hands. Go back to the way, the truth, and the light. Quiet. Deference. Be custodial. Be a vehicle for the spirit. And as my dear yoga teacher, Leslie, says….”Oh crap on the inside, calm n cool on the outside.”
And so, as another day goes by, I leave it all in the hands of the almighty, and…I have written.
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