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July 22nd, 2011 The summer temperatures on Cape Cod rarely reach 90. When Boston and the inland areas are 90, the Cape is usually at nice 80 with a sea breeze. (Which is also a top-notch drink my husband makes for the beach – but that’s another story) Today at approximately 1:45 there was breaking news on the TV that Boston hit 100 degrees. Around 2pm as my daughter and I were gathering our beach gear, I knew I to be careful to pick a chair that can take a few waves. There is only one way to sit on the beach when it’s 90 on the cape and that is a solid afternoon of chair surfing. Today I would be watching the tide come in, so the only skill required is to get up and move your chair when the waves reach your neck and sand grates in your teeth. Chair surfing is essential in these high temps because the “quick dip” just relieves the symptoms for a mere five minutes. You really need the submersion of an entire tide cycle to bring your body temperature down to a reasonable level.
As I sit here and look up and down the shoreline dotted by chair surfers, “be still and let the waves crash over you” seems about the only way to survive the hottest afternoon yet this summer. Many times, such as today, there is no other alternative. They shock your hot body, leave all kinds of sand and debris on your chair, but as each one recedes, it grounds your chair legs deeper into the sand, almost anticipating that you will need that for future, stronger waves.
And so, as another day goes by, I spend some time in the surf getting grounded, and ….I have written.
July 21st, 2011 I have been dreading going to yoga on these summer days since March. I kept remembering the trouble breathing that came with the rise in humidity. I was so happy that by the end of January I had the breath mastered and no longer feared the frantic panic. I hadn’t taken a knee since late fall and no longer had times of panic where I’d want to leave the room, but by now I had figured out my success had alot to do with winter’s low humidity. I knew spring was a long way off, but the fear of returning to panic mode as the humidity increased lingered in the back of my mind. I worried even more about how I was going to do this in the dead of summer. Another great example of worrying about things that hadn’t happened yet and may never happen.
Here we are, mid-July, 90 degree temps, 70% humidity, and I haven’t had a problem yet. I took a knee one day in June, but it was due to extreme fatigue and not breath. Other than that, there wasn’t one day since last fall that I have fallen victim to the breath. Today, during this heat wave, I had an awesome class. I went through each pose easily, camel included, and the class was over before I had time to even think of having trouble.
How many times do we make up things about the future in our head and spend precious time agonizing over them, or use energy just by carrying them around in the back of our minds? Through yoga, I have learned to not do this. Yes, learned it. It is something that if practiced everyday in the studio, it comes to fruition outside of the studio. I have, in recent weeks, been able to deflect that kind of behavior from my mind, whereas a year ago spiritual weakness left me bereft to do this and I would succumb.
And so, as another day goes by, another personal victory is claimed, and…I have written.
July 20th, 2011 …my mom today. She’s okay…and I’m okay. It’s been a peaceful, but busy day. I took a walk this afternoon and just remembered everything…all the years, the last days, my journey, and then I just stopped into the little cemetery at the end of my road and gave gratitude for the life she and my dad gave me. I walked back home and climbed back into my life. As I got ready to meet a friend to go to Writer’s Night Out, I thought to myself that this is the natural progression of life. My mom left me to be the mom now, and eventually the Grandma. Her passing moved me into the next phase of my life and thanks to her teaching and wisdom, I think I can do it justice.
And so, as another memorable day goes by, fear is gone, peace has come, and…I have written.
July 19th, 2011 It’s always better when you realize you’ve overcome a major nemesis when you least expect it. When I first started Bikram yoga ten months ago, camel was my fear from day one. I was always scared I’d be left in it too long or I couldn’t breathe and I’d have to lie down for the rest of the class, etc. Back in the fall I’d start fearing camel on my drive to the studio. Thinking back over the past two months, lately I don’t think about camel until at least the standing series is over. But today….big breakthrough….I didn’t even realize I was going into it. It finally took it’s place of equal value with all the other floor postures. While in it, I actually felt calm and almost smiled as I really trusted, for the first time, the instructor. I finally feel, without having to talk to myself, that she will keep me in it for just the right amount of time, every time. Now, the fact that it took ten months of practicing 4 to 5 times a week to get to this point, shows just how big a mountain this was for me to climb.
The slow, mindful, and careful conquering of the fear of camel everyday went hand in hand with me making the turn outside of the studio toward conquering the fear of losing the important people in my life. For the first time in over a year I feel “normal” again. I can live day to day without thinking I have to “do” things to keep people from leaving me. My closest family and friends will stay around and all I have to do is quietly love them and be near if they need me. I know they’re there and they know I’m here, too.
Tomorrow is the first anniversary of my Mom’s passing, the event that threw me into this journey. I spent the first 6 months refusing to believe she left a void in my life big enough to hurt so bad. By refusing to face the void and feel the pain, I subconsciously started to live in fear of losing everyone else important to me and my life became one anxious job of holding onto people, until I ultimately lost my authentic self. I crashed completely in January and this blog has been the story of my climbing out from the bottom of the pond, reinventing myself, and finally, finally, conquering the fear of loss. I did it without drugs, therapy, or substance abuse, and that, to me, is the sweet part of the victory because I know everything I am today is real and true and not built upon things that just masked symptoms to make me “feel better”. My husband says you have to face the cloud before you can see the silver lining, and he was right.
I miss my mom everyday, but the feeling is in it’s proper place in my psyche and not throwing me into an ocean of fear anymore. I will be able to spend quiet time tomorrow with her memory and take comfort that this summer is so much more peaceful for her than last year at this time was. Her passing has taught me to not only face and revere loss, but to also treat those still living in my life with respect and to trust them to love me without me having to “make sure” they do.
And so, as another day goes by, my mom continues to influence my life, and…I have written.
Found these Saturday, reminded me of my mom – her favorite color was blue…..
July 18th, 2011 “There is no situation in life that can’t be improved by laughter. Sometimes humor can help us get through situations we couldn’t possibly endure without it. Sometimes laughter isn’t superfluous; it’s essential.” ~ Melody Beattie
Did you ever have something awful happen and hear someone say, “Someday we’ll be laughing over this”? My husband is fond of that line and I have to say, over the years in our marriage this had proven true more times than not. Many a disagreement that has had us in tears, ended in laughter through those tears as we hugged and made up.
There is no greater feeling than crying as we talk it out, and the tears giving way to him hugging me and teasing me about whatever had just happened. That would result in me teasing back about his part in it and the humor is the glue that seals the cracks that could’ve become large holes in a relationship where hard things don’t get “talked out”, cried over, and eventually laughed about. This laughter relieves tension, tends to the hurt feelings and sore hearts, and deepens the relationship. This has proven itself over and over again, not only between my husband and I, but between our girls and us, too. Humor has gone a long way in our family toward letting our children know they are always loved and accepted right on into their adult lives today, no matter what they bring to our door, or we to theirs. Laughter is the language of love inside of a family and/or a friendship. Look for it around every corner.
And so, as another day goes by, sometimes laughter is serious business, and …I have written.
July 17th, 2011 Today I came across a small quote that has a big message. It was by Julia Cameron in her daily meditation book, The Artist’s Way…Everyday. Today’s passage ended with:
“When we stop playing God, God can play through us.”
For me, the term “playing through” was always associated with golf. Being a golfer of the most amateur kind, I have a lot of experience with letting more experienced golfers “play through” so the frantic chasing of my ball down the fairway wouldn’t hold them up. By my stepping aside, they were able to continue their game without frustration, and I was able to play mine without pressure, and with the added bonus of seeing “how it’s done”.
We all have “life issues”. Some bigger than others, but the one response that we all have in common is that we want to rush in and fix it. One of the things I have learned on my journey through 2011 is to step aside and let God “play through”. As soon as I did, I got to witness some beautiful fairway shots that ended with a “hole in one” every time. Then, after watching God show me “how it’s done”, I could calmly pick up my club, step up to the tee, raise the club and follow through on my swing and watch the ball fly smoothly into the air and land squarely in the middle of the fairway.
Being the amateur that I am, I still tend to ignore God, refuse to step aside and insist on playing first. And, being the gracious God He is, He let’s me. The result is never good. I end up in the rough, or in a sand trap, or even worse, at the bottom of the pond. I started 2011 at the bottom of the pond, suffocating and drowning, and I have no plans of ending up back in there. The sand traps, where I spent the better part of the spring, were frustrating, but at least I was alive and could feel myself breathing as I furiously beat and chopped at that ball to kick it up and back onto the turf. I have no plans of going back into those, either. My days of beating, begging, crying, chopping, pushing, and shoving – only to eventually sit down, sweating and covered with sand – are over.
Now, in the seventh month of my journey, the rough still gets me. Once in awhile I still insist on going first. The only difference now is, as soon as that ball lands in the rough just to the side of the fairway, I quickly step aside and let God “play through” instead of chasing it down the fairway and whacking it myself over and over while God stands there shaking His head. I remember the sand traps and the dreaded ponds. All they taught me was to never approach a golf ball with anxiety or frustration. Always let the better golfers play through. Watch and learn. Then approach your ball calmly, without pressure. Focus, swing, connect, and, though it’s not a hole in one, it’s sweet to have that ball glide gently through the air and land dead on in the middle of the fairway.
And so, as another day goes by, I graciously step aside, and ….I have written.
* golfgurls.com is a women’s golf blog written by a writer friend of mine. Her unique style teaches me about more than golf. Check it out.
July 16th, 2011 …that are spent on the beach letting time and tides carry me to a place of peace. Hope all of you are finding tranquility and a bit of space between Friday and Monday. Take it for face value – weekend – the end of the week, time to stop and replenish for what next week will bring.
And so, as another day goes by, the ocean once again renders respite from the frenzied week, and …I have written.
July 15th, 2011 …that “there really is no best in a world of individuals”*, a quote I offered my thoughts on some days ago, exists in the GPS that God uses. God’s GPS doesn’t stand for global positioning device. It stands for God Positioning Scripture.* Every once in awhile God throws a piece of bible wisdom down on the road in front of me and dares me to ignore it. Ever since I wrote the piece on that quote, it still wouldn’t leave my thoughts, then yesterday I stumbled upon this:
“A body isn’t just a single part blown up into something huge. It’s all different-but-similar parts arranged and functioning together. If Foot said, “I’m not elegant like Hand, embellished with rings; I guess I don’t belong to this body,” would that make it so? If Ear said, “I’m not beautiful like Eye, limpid and expressive; I don’t deserve a a place on the head,” would you want to remove it from the body? If the body was all eye, how could it hear? If all ear, how could it smell? As it is, we see that God has carefully placed each part of the body right where he wanted it.” I Cor. 12:15
First and foremost, before I even digested the meaning of this piece of scripture, I was enamored with the language used to describe why we are made the way we are. Especially the where Eye was described as “limpid and expressive.” Such a beautiful piece of writing, I felt compelled to share it with you.
Next, it just reiterates that “it takes a village” for all of us. We need everyone that God has placed so strategically in our life, to help us move through our days, accomplishing that which we were put on this Earth for. Each person gives us something special that we need and no one person could be our end-all, just as the body could not be all Eye. Many of us even have wonderful spouses that we have been married to for a very long time, but our total lives could not be lived only exclusively with each other. We need the different things we get from our children, family, friends, co-workers, etc. and each person has a unique gift that enhances our lives, and because each gift is so unique, one person in our lives cannot possibly be better than another. (Go back to what Foot said in the verse above.)
There is a great book I’ve mentioned a couple of times before that talks about how everyone needs to build their “tribe” to help them get along in their lives. It’s a book written for girls starting out on the road of life specifically, but it is helpful to those of us women reinventing our lives, too. It’s called “If You Have To Cry, Go Outside and All the Other Things Your Mother Never Told You” written by successful publicist, Kelly Cutrone. ( If you have a girl graduating from either high school or college, this book is a great gift.) The idea of “building your tribe” is illustrated beautifully in the verse above to show how we depend on our “tribe” for the strength to travel our journey. We are connected and move together through life, just as our bodies are.
Today, take a careful look around at the the people God put in your “tribe”. Is there anyone who is always there, no matter what, and you are maybe taking them for granted? If so, stop and take a moment to tell them what they mean to you, say thank you, and above all, tell them you love them.
And so, as another day goes by, I love my “tribe”, and…I have written.
* Hosea Ballou
* Interstate 80, by Dr. Joel C. Hunter
July 14th, 2011 “Breathe steady and try to outwait your reflexes to be angry or anxious or envious or resentful.”~ Mark Nepo
This was at the end of my morning meditation yesterday. It has been stuck in my mind since I read it. I think the part that fascinates me is that being angry, anxious, etc. are just reflexes and can be controlled by simply outwaiting them.
When that hot fire of anger or resentment strikes through me, I would always rush to open my mouth and voice the who, what, & whys, of the situation. I really thought that’s what it was all about – what someone did or said that made me instantly upset, and the anger was a feeling coming forth from the heart and couldn’t be helped. Thinking of it as a reflex really clinicalizes it and takes the heart right out if it.
For about three months now, I have done this without thinking of it as a reflex. On my journey, one of the things I learned early on was that that instant anger and resentment had to be quieted. I have done this for over three months now, using what I learned in yoga. I have found that sometimes the situation had to be dealt with after the quieting, with some calm talking, but most of the time after outwaiting the reflex, there was actually nothing to be angry or resentful over – it just dissipated. This has proven to me over and over again that the anger is a reflex response because once it passed, those were not the true feelings of my heart.
Of course, alcohol heightens this whole experience. Nerve endings are way more sensitive after a few glasses of wine and when someone does something to set me off, and I need a method of control I can grab quickly to stifle an unflattering response that would just exacerbate the situation, just as alcohol incites hunger and I have to have healthy food within arms reach. Now, that word “reflex” will be my grab bar. It will bring me back to what I practice everyday in the yoga studio – lying very still and waiting for the reflex to scratch an itch or wipe a drop of sweat or adjust my clothing to pass. It still amazes me how the things I practice daily in yoga, imprint on my life.
And so, as another day goes by, I think quieting oneself and stepping back in the face of anger is by far the most valuable lesson I have come to learn, and…I have written.
July 13th, 2011 Growing up Catholic, sin was preached to me since I was "knee high to a grasshopper", as the saying goes. When I was seven and had to do the weekly confession/communion thing, I could never see the point. I didn't sin. Sin was a huge, ominous word. It meant doing REALLY bad things, like stealing or killing. That was definitely not me, so this not sinning thing was going to be a piece of cake.
I guess, as the years passed, I kind of held onto that thinking and never professed to being a sinner. Now don't get me wrong – I never saw myself as a perfect person, but a sinner? No. I did things wrong. I made mistakes. I had bad thoughts. But nothing that would be considered SIN and keep me out of heaven.
So why am I bringing this up now? Today I attended a women's bible study group with an author friend of mine. I thought it would help to keep my spirit intact now that I have finally righted my world and want to keep it that way. I never want to lose focus and head down depression lane again. The group is made up of wonderful women from our community and I enjoyed the morning immensely.
When the word "sin" came up, I raised my head and listened even more intently. One woman, actually a neighbor of mine, spoke up and said, "Libby, (teacher) just what constitutes sin anyway?" I found that quite interesting. We, who were gathered in that room, certainly weren't a bunch of thieves and murderers after all. The teacher struggled a bit, then talked about thoughts we might have. I instantly remembered the day I got the answer to the "sin" question and realized we, in our own ways, are all very much "sinners". It was on a bleak spring day. I was reading The Prayer of Jabez for Women and lo and behold, someone in the book asked the same question and the author promptly offered up a list of what constitutes "sin". I remember being blown over by it. It was quite an a-ha moment for me, one who thought she was sin-free since childhood. I remembered I still had the book on my phone. I raised my hand and read the list. How funny that everyone's head was nodding at each one, and the question in the book at the end of the list was, "Are you nodding your head?" Here is the list I came across:
-complain
-compare myself to others
-compromise what I know is right
-not tell the whole truth
-hold a grudge and refuse to forgive
-be critical of others
-be jealous of others
-gossip
-be discontent with what I have
-waste time
-get angry and lose control
-lash out at your kids
(Hmmm…I did notice they left off stealing and killing…) These so called sins "are intangible, invisible things that we don't always see coming, such as feelings, attitudes, and relationship issues."*
Needless to say, we, in that room all realized we deal with "sin" everyday. Even me. I experienced the realization all over again with the group, along with the fact that I think wasted a lot confession/communion time when I was seven. Now, I'm thinking there's a reason for sinning. (I still hate the word and have a hard time calling these things on the list by that word. To me, that's called being human.)
But anyway, if we never sinned, we'd never grow and move forward. Realizing sin brings me closer to God. He is patient if I'm truly sorry and willing to learn. He uses my "sins" to guide me and bring me ever closer to Him.
My conclusion is that "sin" is neither good nor bad, but a part of life that God uses to teach us in the way we should go, as long as we realize that saying sorry is not saying what we did was okay – it's saying just that – we are SORRY. It doesn't get us a "get out of jail free card" with God (or each other). It is an opportunity to grow and move forward, forgiven and guided by God's hand.
And so, as another day goes by, I never thought "sin" had a "good" side, or that I was even a "sinner", and….I have written.
*from "The Prayer of Jabez for Women" by Darlene Wilkinson.
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