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July 12th, 2011 In a few weeks I’m going to be 58 years old. I’d always imagined by the time I’d reached this age, I’d be all grown up and know all I needed to know. When I was five and my grandmother was in her fifties, I’d look at her and feel secure she knew everything that needed to be known and if I needed to know something, I could just ask her. Later, when I was in my thirties and my mother was in her fifties, I thought that she knew everything by that age also. I was teaching full time with a husband, a home, and two little girls. She was my go-to person. She knew everything from how to hang curtains to how much Tylenol to give a two year old. I was pretty confident that by the time I reached my fifties, I’d be pretty much through with the school of life, and, like mom and grandma, know all I needed to by then.
Now, in my late fifties, both my mom and grandmother are gone, and I look around and there’s only me. Except I don’t know it all. My fantasy of being “done” in my fifties burst. Despite all my 57 years have taught me, I find there’s a ton more to learn. I also realize that the energy of a journey is more exciting than reaching the goal itself. I find it’s important to always have a new goal ready and waiting in the wings. And so the growing and learning process goes on for as long as we’re on this earth. I guess my mom and grandmother didn’t know it all by 50, either. Somehow, I think they lived a lot like me, making it up as I go along, learning from my mistakes, and realizing God is the only one who truly knows it all.
Mary Lou Retton once said:
“Each of us has a fire in our heart for something. It’s our goal in life to find it, and keep it lit”.
This is the essence of life-long learning. Finding our passion isn’t our end all. It’s just the beginning. Letting it keep reinventing you, day after day, year after year, is what keeps us energized. Teaching was my passion. I thought retirement put an end to it. Suddenly I find myself teaching young authors’ workshops weekly, to kids in my home. My summer garage has become a writing classroom. I’m taking an art class. Suddenly there’s an easel and art supplies in my livingroom. I spend afternoons sketching and looking at ordinary things in new ways. I am writing a children’s book and taking a class on writing for children in August. Teaching and learning new things. That’s my passion. Leaving school did not end that. I just had to keep believing, these last six months, that God would restore the passion and energy that used to drive me.
Being patient day after long day, believing that if I let God drive, I’d be blessed in ways I’d never even thought of. Giving up that control was the hardest thing I ever did. And now, smothered in blessings, I don’t ever want it back again. I absolutely cannot believe that it IS true – within days of giving it over to God, it’s like flipping a switch and suddenly your life changes and miracles happen.
And so, as another day goes by, it takes years for a rock to be made smooth, and I have written.
July 11th, 2011 Tonight I heard on the John Tesch show on the radio that we don’t realize how much influence our inner voice has on our thoughts and our energy. The things we tell ourselves direct our energy even more than what other people tell us. He said instead of telling yourself how fat you are, start telling yourself how good your doing at eating better and instead of worrying about getting fired, tell yourself how hard you’re working at being better at what you do. I think he has a point.
Just tonight I had a friend tell me they were so happy to see me in “forward” motion again. I said that I still had my moments here n’ there, but whenever my thoughts go to a bad place, I start saying the Lord’s Prayer over n’ over again like a mantra. It seems to work. By the time I’m through it twice, poof! Bad thinking gone and I’m reminding myself of the five very important things I’ve learned on my journey and remember to use them.
1. Be a vehicle for the spirit. Everyday ask God what He wants you to do for Him. Be His hands and feet here on Earth.
2. Use deference. Keep some things to yourself so as not to deplete the energy.
3. Give gratitude everyday for all the small things you’ve been given.
4. Practice being custodial and take very good care of all the things God has given you, from precious hearts to your beautiful home.
5. This is an important one. Every relationship you have and all it’s energy need to come from God and the universe. Give God complete control. It’s too exhausting to do it all yourself.
I think this is the third time I have written these five things in this blog since I have learned them. See? It’s my inner voice telling myself these things that keeps fear at bay and keeps me moving “forward”.
And so, as another day goes by, change your thoughts, change your life, and …I have written.
July 10th, 2011 When an insect is buzzing around our head, what do we do? Swat! Smack! We do it almost instinctively without thinking. Today I read something that made me stop and think, why? Obviously we are afraid the insect is going to hurt us, so we start waving and smacking them away.
Could this instinctive behavior be an indicator of what we do in our lives? How many times do we push success, as well as people, away because we are afraid we will get hurt? Maybe, without even being conscious we are doing it.
“Millions of people are stuck on the verge of reaching their goals, can’t seem to scale the wall, and are struggling under a glass ceiling that is completely within their control, waiting to be removed.” Gay Hendricks; The Big Leap
Whether it be relationships, finances, or career, we get only so far and mess it up and find ourselves back where we started, or worse. Why do we get in our own way like this? Over the months of my journey I came to figure out that it always boils down to fear of loss. Subconsciously we know that if we have nothing to lose, it takes away the fear of getting hurt. Sad, but we do this. Kill the bee. Fear gone.
I had that attitude. I was so fearful of more loss that I stopped trying. It didn’t work. The fear didn’t go away. Five months later I was still waking up with it. I finally figured out the only way out of fear is through it. Face it, feel it, and finally fearing fear got old, and it went away. I was free. But what about the next time? Do I get as far as the glass ceiling, sabotage myself so I don’t gain anything significant to lose again? My answer is no. The only way to keep from traveling this horrible road again is to adopt the attitude that I will plunge in, go for the gold, and know facing loss is as much a part of life as breathing. I have learned that my reaction to fear and loss is the key to moving through it, not closing oneself off after going only 75% of the way. That can lead to a very frustrating existence.
Once you let yourself love 100%, through thick n’ thin, no matter what, life takes on new meaning. Starting with God. Once you give Him your entire existence your world changes. Once you are a vehicle for the spirit, loving people 100% becomes easier, fear and loss isn’t an issue because He, who knows all, is driving now. These days I literally “thank God” for that, because driving myself through life was exhausting and scary when I lost my way, but God’s GPS is always on.
And so, as another day goes by, “Jesus take the wheel” (and keep it), and …I have written.
July 9th, 2011 If this is truly a world of individuals, how can there be a “best”? is the question posed for me in this quote by Hosea Bellou. One definition of individual is “separate and distinct from others of the same kind”.
I admit I did succumb to the BFF world of Facebook, but over the last six months I have learned a truly valuable lesson. How can one pick a “best” friend? That would be like picking a “best” child amongst your children. Every time I went to speak about one of the people that stood by me these last six months, through thick n’ thin, I started to say, “My best friend….” and stopped. Each time I thought of the whole group of people who supported me, I just couldn’t say one was better than the other, and instead wrote “dear friend”. I have such an amazing group of dear friends and family who understood where my hurt was coming from, overlooked my behavior, and were still next to me when the hurricane passed, cheering for my victory over myself. God put each one on my doorstep just when I needed the special thing each one had to offer me out of their own individualness. My friend from Pennsylvania was with me daily in text, my friend from Buffalo NY came out of the blue and spent a week with me, my sister took me for a long lunch when I was in NY one weekend, my husband ended up with an MG and took me on the best rides up into the mountains, my one daughter rode to NY with me and let me talk her ear off, my other daughter sat with a bottle of wine with me and let me talk her ear off, too, my friend Shirley wrote a book that was my Bible through it all, each one of my yoga buddies unknowingly said just the right things after I had driven there in tears or with a heavy heart on a cold, gray morning, my husband listened to me cry on into the wee hours of the morning, never minding giving up his only night at the Cape to relax, and my writing groups and classes led me to write my way out of my mess without ever knowing I was drowning. Now, I ask you, how could I pick the “best” of that group? And, yet, because of the unique things each and every one of them had to offer me at JUST the right moment, here I sit tonight, a happy girl once again.
Just as there is no “best” with God, He loves us all equally, with our own unique faults, as well as gifts, so do I love my dear dear friends and family equally for the gifts each one blesses me with at just the right time when I need it most.
And so, as another day goes by, “It takes a village…” isn’t just about children, and …I have written.
July 9th, 2011 Another day certainly went by yesterday and I think I missed it. Yesterday was a rainy Cape day. Normally this type of day would give me a lot of time for voicing my thoughts, but my two daughters and a friend were winding down their last day of vacation here with me and we were just busy. I went to yoga in the morning. Had lunch, TV, and conversation with them all afternoon, as the rain kept them from the beach. Then we went to an early movie, had ice-cream for dinner, and came home and played a couple games of Scrabble (the real kind at the kitchen table) and the next thing I knew it, it was 11 pm and my husband arrived for the weekend. We all sat talking until midnight and then, all extremely tired, fell sound asleep.
It is not often, in my serene life, that I am kept so engaged that I don’t have a moment to read, write, or even just think my thoughts. I call this operating on the surface. Operating on the surface is an important part of a writer’s life. It is where information is gleaned and thoughts and opinions are born. It’s where my mind is fed new ideas and new paths emerge.
Many times we say “Today I haven’t had a moment to breathe” and that can be a good thing. Operating on the surface, staying out of the deep, gives old issues a chance to settle. The infusion of new information from the surface not only fjords new pathways, but gives new life to old struggles.
And so, as another busy day goes by, I give gratitude for the time spent thoroughly engaged with friends and family, and…I have written.
July 7th, 2011 Today I came across a piece on a little different way to view patience. After six months of going to “patience school”, I have experienced and learned much. This writing asked me to look upon the result of my experience, rather than how to get through it. Again, perfect timing for the perfect message.
“Fear wants us to act too soon. But patience, as hard as it is, helps us to outlast our preconceptions.” ~ Mark Nepo
Once again I find that fear of loss was at the bottom of everything I was doing to everyone. Fear caused me to imagine situations that only existed in my head, hadn’t happened, may never happen, yet I was actively involved in trying to prevent them from happening.
At the end of the reading the two questions posed were:
How did waiting change you?
What did waiting give you?
Now, at the end of six months, it’s the perfect time to think about this. As far as changing me goes, the biggest thing patience did was to quiet me. Not only is my monkey mind quelled from making up it’s own stories, my whole persona is more serene, whereas before it was extreme. I talk quieter, and less, and listen more. I don’t react quickly when trouble erupts. I step back, think and practice a lot of deference.
As far as what waiting gave me, it gave me a new reverence for precious things. Peoples’ hearts and my relationship with God are never to be taken for granted again. Living in peace, with joy, is something to give gratitude for everyday. Waiting brought me closer to God because it was His strength I had to call on daily to make it through. Prayer became very specific. Waiting taught me to sit quietly and watch the miracles emerge and to have faith that they will. My email signature “You can never give up on the things you love. Never. ” has come alive right before my very eyes.
Waiting has become my pot of gold. Who would have ever thought so much could be gained by doing nothing – the hardest thing of all to do.
And so, as another day goes by, another mountain is moved, and…I have written.
July 6th, 2011 When I opened my eyes this morning and saw the sun on the roof of the garage, something felt different. I lay there and checked in with myself like we are taught to do in yoga. At that moment I realized that something was missing. My chest wasn’t heavy and fear was not trying to overtake my body from the inside out. It was not only the absence of fear that I felt, it was another feeling overtaking me and replacing it. It felt really good. I smiled, got up and went downstairs to make my tea. Settling with my tea and meditation book, I happened to glance at the end quote of yesterday’s passage, which I read, but somehow missed:
“”Stay committed to your growth process until you wake up one morning and ask yourself “What is this strange thing I’m feeling?”. Then you know what the answer is. The answer is joy”.
~ Melody Beattie
And so, as another day goes by, I leave you with the remnants of a joyful beach day, and…I have written.
July 5th, 2011 The path onto our beach is a sandy incline followed by a sandy decline. Over the years, after much huffing and puffing and sweating, I devised my own little trick for navigating the incline. I found that if I used other people’s footprints there was less sinking and pushing down into the sand on my part. While my steps are a little irregular because they are not mine, I am able to quickly ascend the path, almost like walking up irregular stairs. When I reach the top, the descent to the beach. is a bit slippery. It takes precise foot placement and some patience in the white, hot sand.
My journey to the beach today paralleled my last six months. January thru June was walking up the incline daily in God’s footprints. The walk was awkward and uneven. So many times I wanted to make my own footprints and take control. Each time I tried, the way got hard and the huffing and puffing and sweating began. After three months of that, I decided to use His footprints, no matter how awkward trusting felt.
Today I feel I’m standing at the top, facing the descent down the other side to the beach. Today, just as I put my foot out to begin, I paused to be careful, as I was carrying a chair and a heavy bag. Beginning the descent on the down side of 2011 must be done with the same care. I still must remain a vehicle for the spirit. I still need to use deference and consult closely with God, before proceeding. I still must be custodial with all he has given me to carry. I still must remember to practice gratitude daily, for moments both big and small. And, most importantly, look to Him for my energy. Relinquishing control is a new way for me to live, but if I step carefully, using all I have learned, I think I’ll land on the beach by December much more ready and able to take on 2012.
And so, as another day goes by, it’ll be place one foot, balance, steady it, then place the other as I take what I have learned and begin the descent, and ….I have written.
July 4th, 2011 I am sitting in the garage (summer room), watching the fireworks on the beach and thinking back to who I was six months ago. Tonight I am celebrating MY independence from the frantic control freak I was as this year began. These past six months have been an amazing journey of self reinvention. I have much to celebrate and be thankful for. This has been a weekend of warmth, love, miracles, and rebirth. Tonight, as I move to the fire in the backyard, I just want to thank God for all He has given me, all the answered prayers, and for walking beside me each and every day on this 180 plus day journey. Tonight I throw into this fire all the old baggage and begin anew on my new path.
And so, as another fourth of July goes by, I look forward to what the next 6 months of 2011 has in store for me, and…I have written.
July 3rd, 2011 Tonight was certainly a new game experience in our house. Every fourth we play Scrabble and have a rousing game of it. This year we all have iPhones and played Words With Friends with each other. We all sat there on our phones and played against each other. It was a rather unique experience – certainly a lot quieter than years past.
With me, the jury’s still out on which way I liked it better. This way you could go to the bathroom, get food and drinks etc. without anyone waiting on your turn. Also you were always playing. There was no down time waiting for each person to play. This cut out a lot of harassing people for taking too long. On the other hand, it also cut out all interaction and the virtual game was virtually silent. It was a totally new experience that showed me just how far smart phones have integrated themselves into our lives. Now, in addition to taking over our daily family conversations, they have taken over family game night!
And so, as another day goes by, I wonder how much more of my life will eventually be governed by my iPhone, and …I have written.
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