…no more needs to be said.
And so, as another day goes by, I believe in faith, hope and love, and ….I have written.
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“Mind over matter or it doesn’t matter” was the quote in yoga today. We were reminded in savasana on our stomach to keep our gaze within the edge of our towel. This keeps the focus inward. Where your eyes look, your mind will follow. By keeping the gaze within the towel, we exercise mind control over the monkey mind that wants to dart around the room, but more importantly, we train our mind to establish boundaries. Establishing boundaries inside of the studio gives us the mental cues we need to establish them outside the studio. Before almost a solid year of Bikram yoga, (10 mos now), I lived totally by reacting to the world outside of me. I ran around my life incessantly trying to pick up the blocks that fell off the shelf and was constantly rearranging them until I could find the right order. I operated my life like I was on the Price Is Right. Since yoga, I have discovered the peacefulness of living with life and energy coming from within me, instead of at me. Each day the towel’s edge reminds me to keep the focus within and maintain the boundary of not letting life whack at me haphazardly. It’s daily conditioning to develop involuntary mind control to quiet and be still when life comes at you hard. It reminds me of “In everything, by prayer and supplication….”, where I stop, and converse with God before lashing out. I cringe, now, at the end of my six month journey, at the person I was last year. I handled all highly emotional situations frantically, resorting to crying and shaking and trying to find stability by controlling what others did and said. I didn’t see this back then. It horrifies me now to know that’s how I must have appeared to others. I feel if I had started the yoga a year prior to losing my mom, as soon as I retired, I could have handled both of those situations with much more self-control and grace. But that was then, what’s done is done, I am learning and moving on. And so, as another day goes by, the towel’s edge teaches mind control, boundaries, self-respect, and grace to manage one’s life, and….I have written.
I’ll tell you the story, but don’t ask why ’cause I haven’t a clue. Now that I have been sleeping deeply due to the yoga, I dream a lot all night long. I found that if I could remember just a bit of the dream if I wake up to use the bathroom, when I lay back down, all I have to do is re-immerse myself back into the dream, and I easily fall right back into a deep sleep. I like dreaming, because I read that your dreams are your mind working out your problems and difficulties without you consciously interfering. Well, all of that happened last night, but the unusual part was that all my dreams, even after I got up and went back to sleep, were centered around writing a small poem. I remember going over and over it, readjusting the words and syllables. The best thing was that I remembered it this morning. Here it is, written in my dreams, literally: Promises I kind of liked it, so I thought I’d share. And so, as another day goes by, I love my dreams, and…I have written. Every day in my morning email I find something called a "Gratitude Burst". It gives me a little something extra to start my day with. Today I came across a unique little book by Leslie Levine called "Ice Cream for Breakfast – If you follow all the rules you miss half the fun." Being a type A perfectionist who would sooner die than break a rule, this book caught my attention. After reading the first few chapters, I found that doing some things out of the norm was actually a way to take better care of ourselves. Bending or breaking some of what we hold to as "rules", turns out, can also be powerful stress busters. "Self-pity is the simplest luxury." ~Rita Mae Brown, Bingo (1988), was the quote starting the chapter entitled Just A Spoon Full of Sugar. It began by reminding us of the little toy rewards we always got at the doctor or dentist when we were young. Being gentle with ourselves after a time of pain shouldn't stop just because we're over eighteen. Pain, physical or emotional, hurts at any age. A small reward really does help heal. My husband is the master bearer of gentleness whenever I am "wounded", and even sometimes when I'm not. He knows how happy fresh flowers on the mantle makes me and most Saturdays returns from a grocery run with a colorful bouquet. I remember spending many mornings after a workout at Dunkin Donuts as my reward for going to the gym. Over the past six months I learned to break many "rules" I imposed in the name of learning to take better care of myself. There were days when there was a lot to be done around the house, but warm sun and blue sky screamed beach. Normally I would be a good girl and finish my work before heading to the beach, often finishing too late to go at all. Lately, I just drop what I am doing, pack my bag and head out. I also look forward to lunch (complete with one square of dark chocolate) in front of the noon news each day, despite the chores beckoning. I call these my "gentleness bursts". Just small moments that remind me I've been down a long road and it's time to stop punishing myself. As Levine suggests in chapter 3, "For every situation that's not particularly pleasant, give yourself a gift, something to make it all worthwhile, something that will remind you later that "it wasn't so bad after all." And so, as another day goes by, I have learned to, as Levine says, "recognize and accept the healing properties of chocolate", and …I have written Life hits us from all sides; the media, email, texts, colleagues, spouse, children, friends, etc. and causes all kinds of daily drama. We try to control each and every one of those things and people in order to deal with it. What we need to be reminded of every so often is that, in effect, we can’t control any of it. Today, in yoga, the teacher told us that while we cannot control the things that impact our lives, we CAN control our reactions and responses to them. I learned of this flipping of the control over a year ago and it’s taken many yoga classes for it to become a part of what I now do naturally. It’s the old adage: tell me and I’ll know, show me and I’ll understand, involve me and I can do it. Today in the yoga studio, the shade was open and the sun was impacting me greatly. As I lay in savasana the sun was burning my arm and shining in my eyes. I didn’t think I could last there without getting up and closing the shade. But in yoga, that’s a no-no. The teacher controls the room and we have to trust her to do it. I couldn’t control the shade and the sun, all I could control was my response to it. I laid very still and concentrated totally on breathing and closed my eyes to the sun. The teacher did open the window and shut the shade, but I had to be still and trust her to do it. It’s this daily conditioning to keep the control confined to my response that is finally manifesting itself in my life outside the studio. I cannot control what others do or say to me, but I can control my reaction to it, and I have done that in a few situations lately. When drama started to erupt, I quieted myself, stepped back, and decided how to proceed. I found controlling my response felt wise and calm, while trying to control the other person was always so upsetting and exhausting. And so, as another day goes by, “easy does it” is always better frantic and frenetic, and…I have written.
I’m always amazed at the way God works. It doesn’t matter how many times He pulls this stuff off, I still stand in awe. Even though I am nearing the end of this journey I spoke about a few days ago, I am still left with my difficult situation. The difference is, I am better equipped to deal with it as a result of all I have learned. Sad moments still catch me by surprise as one did today while I was cleaning. I asked God to please give me one little sign that everything will be okay. Then I prayed the prayer that never fails, “Thy will be done”, and continued cleaning. I went over and turned off the TV and put the radio on. I jumped back and caught my breath as Alecia Keys was belting out No One. This song is very special to my situation and this radio station plays it maybe once in six months time. As the words “everything’s gonna be alright” came out of the radio, I just looked up in total amazement, and said, “Thank you, Lord. You did it again.” And so, as another day goes by, there are no coincidences, and…I have written. Tonight is idyllic. Hubby doesn’t have to leave for NY until tomorrow, so we get to spend tonight on our patio, reading, sipping wine, and grilling striped bass for dinner. This is what my life is supposed to be like. Devoid of drama. Looking forward to fourth of July weekend with our children and friends. I feel like this is a place I haven’t been to for a very long time. It’s familiar, but yet it’s foreign. I am turning for home. Profoundly changed, with a new perspective. It’s like finally feeling better after a long illness. The journey has been long and painful, but so worth it. Tonight, I give gratitude for being allowed to take a journey that, for so many months, I didn’t understand. And so, as another day goes by, God provides what need, not necessarily what I want, and ….I have written.
A dear, dear, friend, who has walked my journey hand in hand with me, shared this with me today. I couldn’t summarize where I have finally arrived at any better than this: Today’s quotation: Because one believes in oneself, The Tao Te Ching Today’s Meditation: Sometimes it seems to be a lonely walk when we believe in ourselves. When we’re not looking for the approval and agreement of others, it often seems that much of our interaction with them is taken away. After all, how much of our normal conversations is based on trying to convince others that we’re right, or to convince them that they should approve of us because of something we think, a perspective that we share, or something that we’ve done? But it only seems to be a lonely path. The truth is that once we find that belief in and contentedness with ourselves, the path is no longer lonely because we recognize that we don’t need the approval of others to make a good life for ourselves. And while we probably will intimidate some people who wish that they, too, believed in themselves, those people are relatively few. You’ve been given some great gifts, and you deserve belief in yourself and who you are. You don’t need to convince others that you deserve this belief, but it would be really nice if you were to convince yourself and truly feel that belief. Being content with yourself doesn’t mean giving up growing and developing yourself and staying right where you are, but it does give you more confidence and allows you to do what you do from a much stronger place, thus making success much more likely in anything that you undertake. It can be a lonely road, but when you do accept yourself and trust yourself so much that you no longer need to seek the acceptance and trust of others, guess what? That will come of itself. Usually when we seek acceptance and trust, we try a bit too hard and turn people off. When we stop trying so hard, though, we can stop turning people off and let them take us as we are, rather than as what we want them to see. Questions to consider: Do you believe in yourself? Are you content with yourself? Why do we so often need the approval of others? What would it take for you to accept yourself for exactly what you are? I was always looking outside myself for strength Anna Freud And so, as another day goes by, “I do what I do from a much stronger place”, and, with some help, I have written.
Today was a really great day. It started off with Breakfast With the Authors at the Hyannis Yacht Club. Just driving there I was elated with just being alive and living on Cape Cod. Elin Hilderbrand, author of my favorite beach reads, was one of the speakers. Hearing her journey was fun and inspiring. If you need a great summer read, her newest, Silver Girl, just came out on Tuesday – grab it. I can’t put it down. Next came shopping for the finishing touches for the latest room makeover. After that, home to finish the painting, and then the cleaning of the whole upstairs. Next, exercise, run, and shower. Then off to the store for dinner stuff, as hubby is on his way. As you read the rest of this story, keep in mind all the things I did today – with a light heart. Throughout all this today, I was extremely happy from the inside out, for the first time in six months. I spent the first three months figuring out something was wrong, and the next three fixing it. I cured PTSD and beat depression, without drugs, therapy, or alcohol. I did it with God, friends, yoga, walking, exercising, running, writing, and reading. I completely understand the causes and symptoms of each one. It was the most painful, but incredible journey I’ve ever been on. I do believe God brought it on because it was His way of drawing me back to Him. I know this because before a heartache can touch my life, it has to pass through His hands. I asked Him to take it away, but I also said if it was necessary for my good and the good of others to go through it, just give me the strength. I had strayed slowly over the last five years and completely lost the person I used to be. Family and friends saw it and tried to tell me, but I couldn’t see it at all. In a nut shell, I created what I feared. I feared retirement and began to “seek approval” for everything I did from where I went to what I wore. I lost creating my own energy, and began to suck the life out of the very people I loved. The train wreck began when my elderly mother fell last June. I began to fear losing her, and I did. But I didn’t react. I pushed the loss aside, inviting PSTD right into my life. Then I began to fear losing a close friend. I overreacted and lost the friend. At the same time I was fearing losing my dad. I started to overreact, but fixed it in time before I lost anyone else. There is no scarier experience in life than fearing loss. The fatigue and lethargy of depression is the worst thing I ever lived through. I’d get home from yoga at noon and spend until 10pm at night in the same chair. The pain and tears of loss were consuming me, swallowing me alive. I knew this was not a good road to be heading down. Somewhere along about March I forced myself to get out of the chair and walk down the road at 3pm everyday. After a half hour walk, it’d be back in the chair. The tears and pain would consume me once more on into the endless evening, until, thanks to yoga, sleep would claim me by 10pm. I read, wrote, and dragged myself to go out and do things with friends. I hung on. I knew I couldn’t give into the chair. In the fifth month I started adding a 5pm exercise routine, with a run around the block afterward. Now, in the 6th month, I am out of the chair at 2pm and do huge amounts of the projects I ignored all winter long. My 12:30-2 time in the chair has now become my lunch and me-time. A positive thing. I learned to take care of myself. I learned to listen to my body and what it needs each day. Yoga helped teach me this. I go everyday and the teacher says check in with your body. Where is the tension today? Are your feeling emotional or physical things? If you read my blogs over the past six months, you will see Bikram yoga saved my entire life. Today is a victory day for me. I no longer get my energy from things outside of me. My energy radiates from within, just like it used to. The next time I have to face loss in my life, this will not happen. I am better equipped and understand the process of losing and gaining in life. My hands will never grab and squeeze tight and try to control to avoid loss ever again. I have relinquished all control back to God. It’s so much less work and worry to let Him do it. I have risen above the people and events that will occur from now on in my life. God’s got it. I can rest now. And so, as another day goes by, I thank you my dear readers for holding my hand on this incredible journey, and I have written. It surprised me when I heard my quote of the day on a toothpaste commercial. “Life opens up when you do.” Outside of the dental connotation, this quote really held some meaning for me this week. For months now, I have been working hard spiritually and emotionally looking inward, learning, growing, and changing profoundly. Working, thinking, praying, reading, etc. so hard that my brain was on overload. These past two days that I have blogged about, one sunny and one rainy, seemed to be devoid of such persistence. For two days it felt like I was given a slight reprieve from such mental diligence. I read on the beach and painted peacefully. In a sense, I relaxed and opened up. Today, the third day, I found myself asking God to help me use deference, though I had no reason as to why. Within the hour, an old email surfaced that showed me I had gravely overlooked something months ago. All of sudden clarity struck, and new seeds for growth were planted. When this happens, I usually get very excited and want to tell whomever it concerns. I did, in fact, start contemplating how to do that, when I remembered I prayed for deference today. I immediately quieted and realized these new truths were for me and just by sitting in silence and letting them take hold, I would be telling anyone who needs to know. It’s easy to state the profound changes that have taken place in me this year. I could list them like a laundry list. It’s one thing to list them, it’s quite another to live them. And that is what I must continue to do – live the changes that have made me a better person, and, in time, I will be fully morphed. I guess “life opens up when you do”. If something has been weighing heavily on your mind and you find yourself constantly over-thinking it, let it loose for a bit. Read, do a project that engages you, etc. and give your brain a vacation. When the new info presents itself, receive it quietly. Take it in and let it take hold. This is life opening up. And so, as another day goes by, deference is an incubator for growth, and I have written. |
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