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June 22nd, 2011 As much as yesterday was a pristine beach day, today was a beautiful rain day. I spent the afternoon upstairs painting closet doors in the girls room. The room, newly painted and decorated, lent an organized calm to my workspace. Both windows were open and a gentle rain was falling. The smell of mingled rain and paint kept my senses keenly aware. The TV played The Talk, then Dr.Phil, and then Oprah in the background. I felt serenely alone from my bedroom tower that gazed out on the neighborhood far below. I had objects left over from my recent garage sale set out under the tree by the road with a “free” sign pointing to them. Every once in awhile a car would stop and rifle through the pile. I was excited that they took the old computer. That would be hard to dispose of. Time passed as my paintbrush thwacked thwacked back and forth as I watched the dark wood turn white. Inside my head my thoughts wandered and didn’t stick in any particular vein. A quiet sense of gratitude for where I am and who I am settled in my chest.
“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity…
It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.” Melody Beattie
Sometimes we have to hang out with ourselves, drink in and absorb our surroundings, not think – but just let who we are bubble to the surface. It is in these moments, gratitude surfaces and life quietly smoothes out its wrinkles.
And so, as another day goes by, sun and rain work back to back to show me that I am enough, and I have written.
June 21st, 2011 Less than two weeks til the gang arrives for the fourth…and there’s still doors to paint in the girls room, a whole lotta stuff crammed in my room that has to disappear, the changing of my wardrobe for the season, the downstairs room to ready for guests, food to consider, and a general yard, garage, and house cleaning to be done, but……
It’s a perfect 80 degrees, low humidity, not a cloud in a stark blue sky – and there the beach sits, just waiting for my chair. I wanna….but I’ve got all this….but I wanna… Hey wait? Don’t I have a huge book that I just started that has to be done for book club next week? Of course! Add that to the “to do” list, and..well… I just have to set aside two hours to read it today, soooo…now is just as good a time as any.
Tap, tap, go my sandals on the pavement, bag jangling over my shoulder, and chair bumping gently against my hip. Up the path, down the path. Here’s a great spot.
Ahhh…there we go. Chair, water, phone, feet in the sand, book on lap, and the tide coming in with the waves edging toward me. Yes, we must always be diligent and attend to our “to do” list.
And so, as another day goes by, there’s nothing like the feeling of accomplishment, and ….I have written.
June 20th, 2011 Recently a friend of mine wrote a blog entitled “Patience Vs Perseverance”. In it she said she couldn’t ever remember a time in her life when she just sat and waited for something to happen. She’s always been one to “go out and make her own luck”, as the saying goes. Well, after I read that blog, I felt she was talking about me, saying words that have always been so true about myself.
Over the past six months I have undergone profound changes in this area. I have come to understand that having patience is the keenest form of perseverance. There is no greater test of perseverance than to have to stand quietly and wait until life works itself out. I sit everyday beside water as still as glass and gaze out over the horizon. If I so much as pick up a pebble and toss it into the water, disturbing the stillness, all will be for naught. It is not a question of how many solutions I can think of to do, it’s a question of how many solutions I can think of and NOT do.
Sometimes there are no words to be said, no songs to be sung, no thoughts to be thought, nor actions to be done. The only thing, in times like these, that will not disturb the stillness, but transcends the universe, is the murmur of a quiet prayer.
And so, as another day goes by, patience is perseverance in it’s severest form, and …I have written.
June 19th, 2011 Hope all the dad’s and their kids had the same wonderful day we did!
And so, though it’s short but sweet, I have written
June 18th, 2011 In yoga all I hear is “the breath” is everything. Well, yes, I know I need to breathe to keep my heart beating and stay alive, but the instructors say Prana is the breath – the life force, intimating something more – there is a force greater than the physical that must be attended to – a spiritual heart. It has taken me quite some time to realize that powerful feelings of anger, depression, and hurt must be not only allowed to surface, but to also move through me – like Prana – like the breath. This is necessary to keep the spiritual heart beating. My morning reading said it so well:
“There are dangers in not letting such feelings out. Once out, there are also dangers in not letting such feelings move through. For just as our lungs must stay clear for the next mouthful of air, our heart must stay unobstructed for the next feeling we encounter.” Mark Nepo ~ The Book of Awakening
Therein is the marriage of the physical and the spiritual. Therein is the yoga class – the marriage of the mind, body, and spirit. The daily clearing out of the old to make room for the new. Pranayama breathing begins the class, every pose centers around normal breathing through the nose, each savasana is breath in and out, the belly rises and falls, and class ends with another breathing exercise. Everything is carried forward by the breath. The heart and mind must be cleansed of sediment by the breath, just as the body is cleansed by sweat and elimination everyday.
And so, as another day goes by, it is essential to my well-being not to let hurt, anxiety, or depression “set up camp inside of me”*…. and… I have written.
*Nepo
June 17th, 2011 I spend a lot of my days walking the Cape Cod shoreline. Everyday the water’s surface is decidedly different. Some days the water is gray-blue with barely a wave – just small ripples. Other days the water is dark green riddled with whitecaps and large pounding waves. In a reading today, by Mark Nepo, it was pointed out that though the water’s surface changes, it is the same water that moves along the ocean floor. At times, when the water is calm we can see down to that water, but when the surface is in turmoil, we can’t see the water on the bottom.
People operate in much the same way, with each other, as with ourselves. We are who we are through and through, surface to soul. When the surface is calm, I can see who you really are, and look deep into who I am. That is the revelation. The wisdom lies in remembering what I saw when the surface is murky and in disarray.
And so, as another day goes by, unconditional love is remembering what is written on a heart when the facade is distorted, and I have written.
June 16th, 2011 “peace.
it does not mean to be in
a place where there is no
noise, trouble, or hard work.
it means to be in the midst
of those things
AND STILL BE CALM IN YOUR HEART. “
~ unknown
That was a quote I used to keep prominently displayed on top of my computer in my kindergarten classroom. I used to think it meant “in the middle of 25 five year olds”. When I retired and packed up my room, I retired that quote. After all, when would I find myself in the middle of chaos retired in Cape Cod? Never say never is what I’m learning now.
When you’re no longer in the middle of a job and kids, where could chaos possibly come from? Certainly not from these idyllic days spent here on the cape, by the sea. Ha! The road to peace is much harder and longer through idyllicness than it is through a job and kids. The road has now become obscured. A new unit on bats or cleaning the classroom and setting up brand new learning centers no longer cuts it. I remember those days of staying at school til 7 at night and locking the door with resounding satisfaction that the next day peace and order would be restored. I didn’t know how easy I had it.
Somewhere in this last year I lost the peace I used to find in these waves in front of me. This peace has nothing to do with cleaning and setting to order. This peace used to reside in my soul, not in a room. For months, groveling around in a difficult situation has taken me down a new path to peace. I saw peace as the end all, instead of, like the quote says, in the middle of it all. I realized today that whether my situation eases or not, I have to find peace in the middle of it.
I work closely with God on this everyday. In fact, He went to the beach with me today. I asked Him to just walk along and sit there with me today. I told Him it seemed like it’s been awhile since we’ve done that. It feels like all I do is spend time in fervent prayer, once again not giving God a chance to get in a word edgewise. (I still believe I’m His assistant, and He’s still not buying it). So today we sat and watched the tide go out. We just listened to the flip flop of the waves pulling the rocks down into the water. After awhile, God turned to me and said, “You know, when the fear and the pain are gone it will mean you have finally given all control over to Me. Therein lies your peace.” I just nodded my head in agreement, and refocused on the waves.
And so, as another day goes by, resurrecting old lessons teaches us new ones, and I have written.
June 15th, 2011 Compassion can easily go two ways. You can completely open yourself up to others, take on their anxieties and pain and lose yourself in the process. Or, you can stay closed up and cut them off to preserve your sense of self. I have been to both schools. Through the course of this education, I learned one thing. It can’t be one way or the other. Compassion needs to be lived in our lives in somewhat of a balance. We have to stay close, present, and caring without taking on the pain and anxieties of others and risk losing our sense of self.
Finding a self that was lost inside of another is like separating two pieces of wood with a crowbar. The splitting and cracking as each piece moves in opposite directions, leaves open wounds on both pieces. Layers of wood filler and repeated sanding is needed to make each piece smooth again. I remember my wood filler and sanding days. They would take me by surprise. There was the day I took myself for a walk to the corner store and treated myself to afternoon coffee. My step was light and I felt like I deserved it. There was the day I put a chair on the patio on the first warm day after a long, cold winter. I simply sat and looked at my little zen garden and marveled that I could enjoy something again. I remember leaving the house in recent weeks with a spring in my step more days than not. These are the wood filler days. Then there are the sanding days where tears still spring up unexpectedly. One day the finish will be applied and the self will be preserved; a porous finish that will allow compassion to flow in and out, leaving the self intact.
This was in my morning reading today. It helps instill the balance:
~Sit quietly and bring to mind a time when you lost yourself in another’s problem.
~Center yourself and bring to mind a time when you maintained your sense of self, but cut off another to do so.
~Breath thoroughly and try to let the two feelings coexist: compassion and sense of self.
~Inhale. Sense of self. Exhale. Compassion.
~Inhale. Sense of self. Exhale. Compassion.
And so, as another day goes by, “in balance” is the way to live, and I have written.
June 14th, 2011 My husband is the smartest, honest, most trustworthy and patient man I have ever met. His glass is always half full. He looks for, and believes the best in everyone. He says you have to face the cloud before you can find the silver lining. All of these traits are exhibited in our daily life by:
-cooking for me
-always listening to me
-bringing me flowers for no reason at all
-being a wonderful father
…and, well, I think you get it.
Everyone says I’m lucky to have such a husband, and I agree. But what does it take to be this optimistic, understanding and special kind of individual? In my readings I came across what I believe is the answer. My husband’s general philosophy of life:
June 13th, 2011 Sometimes we just don’t know where to turn. Sometimes there is no path to follow. Sometimes there really are no words to say. I had that kind of day yesterday, and could not write in this blog no matter what I tried. It was not like I didn’t have time, I did. It was not like I didn’t have time to think and let thoughts roam through my head, I did. In fact, I was alone much of the day painting a room, so I had plenty of time to think. The painting over of old memories was tough and instead of finding the solace I usually do in a job like that, I found fear and heartache. It took me by surprise and stopped me in my tracks. I thought I was over a lot of things. I thought I was so much stronger now after months of battling a difficult situation and learning and growing and changing. Suddenly it all came rushing back and I felt like I was back where I started, months ago.
The funny part is, when new situations with children, family, and spouse came up this weekend, I reacted to each one in a new way. I immediately stepped back and felt anger drain away. I took a moment to not form an immediate opinion. The thoughts came forth that you cannot make others act as you would wish them to and don’t make it about you, but instead try to see where the other person is coming from and maybe not answer so quickly. Give all parties involved a chance to step away and think. I shocked myself. I saw the old me reacting in new ways to life’s situations. I had changed. I actually was applying all I’ve learned over these past months without even thinking about it.
I just read something a few minutes ago and now it is making perfect sense:
“The more important the lesson, the longer the cycle to work it out and work it through.” ~ Melody Beattie
I am learning to trust the process of this cycle, but more importantly, I am, just today, learning to respect it. All of us are constantly trying to adjust to something new either coming into our lives or going out of it. Just as we think we’re going backward, we turn around and take a big leap forward without even thinking about it. It causes us to pause, say “Wow, I really have changed.” Trust the process.
Trust, also, in God to direct the process. In a card I received recently from a friend, it said:
“Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.” ~ Jeremiah 33:3
That just about sums up my day yesterday.
And so, as two days go by, yes, I guess you can “teach an old dog new tricks”, and …I have written.
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