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June 11th, 2011 Last week on the beach I looked down beside my chair and there sat the most perfect heart shaped stone I’d ever seen. It was tiny, which made it perfect touch-stone size. It also has a slight indentation on one side that perfectly fits my thumb. I like to think of the indentation as the softening of a hard heart, opening up to vulnerability.
How many times have we heard “Be honest with yourself”? I, myself, have heard it many times, but never quite caught the true meaning. Being honest with oneself means remaining vulnerable. I know it seems easier to stay closed off behind a hard heart, but in reality, it isn’t. Softening to vulnerability opens us up to feel pain, but along with pain comes true joy kept out of a hard heart.
Quick story:
Two friends, Bill and Tim went hiking. Bill froze his water, Tim didn’t. When the time of extreme thirst came, Bill drank what little water had melted and was left with a large ice chunk in his bottle. All Tim had was a bottle of very warm water. Bill offered Tim his ice, but first he had to work awhile to crack the ice into small pieces to get it out of the bottle. This was taking a long time. He finally realized the best way was to let Tim pour his warm water over the ice chunk and let Tim drink his water out of his bottle.
Moral:
When you have time, let cold things thaw,
When time is short, receive warm things,
and only when necessary break the hard things remaining and pray like hell you can pass the pieces.
If we let things in we can share more easily than if we keep breaking things apart to get them out.
Everyday I take my stone with me on my jog around the block. As my thumb feels the indent, I pray as I move, for vulnerability, softening, peace, and joy.
And so, as another day goes by, I believe all hearts of stone have a slight indent, and….I have written.
June 10th, 2011 In my readings today I came across something about fear that helps me remember that it is only something that exists in my mind. FEAR stands for:
False Expectation Appearing Real
Many times I waste my days and a whole lot of nights gripped in fear, worrying about that which hasn’t happened yet, or may never happen. Even possessing that knowledge, doesn’t do much to alleviate it when I’m in the throws of it. I like making it an acronym. When the anxiety that holds me a prisoner to fear strikes, repeating the acronym makes the concept tangible.
One other thing that helps me is to run for my gratitude journal and list 5 things that have happened and give a little extra gratitude for them. This redirects my focus back onto things that have already happened, rather than those that don’t exist.
Don’t have a gratitude journal? Make one. It rewrites your thinking and changes life’s perspective. It causes us to pause and give honest thanks for things we have all around us that somehow we just don’t see.
And so, as another day goes by, fearing fear is a difficult cycle to break, and…I have written.
June 9th, 2011 This morning I woke up to a thunderstorm out over the water. I grabbed my morning coffee and went to sit out in the screened garage to watch it. I watched the tree across the street. It bent and swayed with the wind. It caught and held, then gently dropped the rain. It let the lightening pass through it. The magic of the storm and the majesty of the tree combined to illustrate the grace of handling this life.
"Praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow, come and go like the wind. To be happy, rest like a great tree in the midst if them all."
~ from Buddha's Little Instruction Book
And so, as another day goes by, God uses yet another one of His creations to teach us, and ….I have written.
June 8th, 2011 Today I give gratitude for play. My husband and I took his business trip and turned it into a playday. We rode up to North Adams and went to a plant and checked a lot of metal with a little gauge. I met my husband’s business associates, and then we went to lunch at a quiet little New England pub. Our ride back to the cape was serene, with short stops to Lowe’s and Dunkin Donuts. Inland temperatures were in the 90’s, so it was pleasant to arrive back to the Cape’s cool sea breezes. We topped off our day in the car with a bike ride around the neighborhood and down to the beach.
When I was a child, I always wished we lived on a cul de sac where I could jump on my bike and ride around the neighborhood, but I was brought up on a rural road in upstate NY where no mother would allow her children out of the driveway either by bike or by foot.
I so appreciate that my childhood wish has been granted and now I do live in a lovely little cul de sac by the sea. I make an effort to put aside adult ways and take time to indulge in child’s play. I walk my beach neighborhood everyday. I jump over the waves at low tide. I make pictures in the sand. I write and draw on rocks. I hop on my bike and ride around each street, paying attention to things that can’t be seen in a car. Ahhh….time out from being an adult revives and refreshes the mind, body, and spirit. Do it. Put aside your adult ways and go play as a child. Creativity is unleashed and new perspectives are gained.
And so, as another day goes by, I settle with hubby’s burgers off the grill, and chilled Pinot Grigio to watch the Red Sox beat the Yankees and the Bruins beat the Canucks – back to playing like an adult, life is good, and…I have written.
June 7th, 2011 Yesterday's revelation about God giving me what I need, not what I want, was actually bigger than I thought it was. For a long time I had a children's book in my heart just waiting to be written and illustrated. For Christmas my husband bought me art supplies and sketch pads in hopes of getting me going. I piled them up by the computer and walked by them and looked at them for 6 months now. I tried picking them up, but nothing. I was totally blocked. I had the book – text, title, illustrations, and even the cover inside me, but no energy to bring it out.
Instead, I'd spend all my energy asking God for what I wanted in a difficult situation He placed me in. I was ingenious in coming up with ways to tell Him "how it should be", instead of just putting it in His hands and getting on with the book. After quite a day with this lesson yesterday, last night I sat down and out fell the 22 page book. It scared me at first. I put it on the desk and went back two or three times to read it. The last time I read it, at 11 pm, a good feeling began to spread through me. I went to bed peacefully.
Today I woke up with the quote I quoted yesterday on my mind:
Sometimes God gives us what we need, not what we want.
I spent months getting Him to change that difficult situation. Now I clearly see it's exactly the situation I needed. Laura Story's song, Blessings, I cited yesterday, put that into perspective for me:
"What if your blessings come through raindrops,
What if your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near,
What if the trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?" (look up video on YouTube if you didn't yesterday)
I picked up my "book" again this morning. As I read it through, I realized it's the concept above, as seen through the eyes of a 7 year old. Just then Josh Wilson's song "I Refuse" came on the Pandora. When I finally realized life is not going to be about what I want, but about what I need, suddenly knew I wanted to write children's books that reach children about basic human kindness and compassion before they are old enough to become bullies.
My character and all her future adventures are spinning around in my head. The block is gone. I immediately signed up for a drawing class that I had been putting off for a year now, that will show me how to use my new tools. I am taking Writing for Children at the writers conference in August. I have a vision, a purpose, and most importantly, a rough draft to take to that conference, where 48 hours ago I had nothing but pain and tears. I was still stamping my feet insisting God do it my way. I guess I was literally acting like God's child, and He, like any good father, stayed firm and showed me the way it has to be. He used books, songs, photos and videos. He used artists and their art to guide me since January. Then, as soon as I quieted, He made me see He wants to use my art and words to speak to children. I guess He knew what He was doing when He gave me a 35 year teaching career. And now He's telling me it isn't over, because every ending is really a beginning…..so I Refuse…
"I don't want to live like I don't care,
I don't want to say another empty prayer,
Oh I refuse….
To sit around wait for someone else,
To do what God has called me to do myself,
Oh I could choose, not to move,
But I refuse…."
"I Refuse" by Josh Wilson ~ YouTube (videos won't upload after I linked to google -working on this!)
And so, as another day goes by, I think the world, (especially the way it is today) should pay more attention to God – He really is very smart and helpful, and …I have written.
June 6th, 2011 …and we pray, and we pray, and we pray….and God doesn't let it happen. Does that mean God isn't listening? Does it mean God doesn't care? Does it mean God doesn't exist? This is the usual line of thinking when prayers go unanswered and feel like they're falling on deaf ears.
I know. I sit here day after day praying for miracles. Nothing. Sometimes I tell that almighty God I don't know how much longer I can do this. Now, God and I have too long of a history together for me to ever doubt his existence, but oh I get so frustrated when He won't give me what I want, when I want it, the way I want it. And therein lies my answer:
Sometimes God gives us what we need, not what we want.
This song, brand new by Laura Story, explains it better than I ever could. Her husband suffers from a brain tumor. After many operations he still is having a lot of difficulty. Though she prays everyday, God just won't heal him completely, but she figured it out.
Give it a listen below.
And so, as another day goes by, faith does move mountains – just not always in the direction we would prefer, and…I have written.
*Video would not enter correctly. On You Tube, search Laura Story. Play Blessings. It's worth it.
June 5th, 2011 I did it! I did it! I did the one minute camel! (Can you tell I’m jumping for joy?) You might think it’s only 60 seconds and, come on, anybody can do anything for 60 seconds. But, ah, this is camel! Lessons of fear and trust reside in camel. Everyday, still, after eight months, when I flip back into it my mind is immediately yelling I’m afraid I can’t stay the 20 seconds. I don’t trust the teacher to watch the time. She’s going to be correcting someone and leave me hanging here! Everyday, 320 classes, and still, the same fear and mistrust starts building in half tortoise (pose before camel). You’d think by now, the familiarity of that 20 seconds would’ve erased the fear. Nope, not yet.
So today, you can imagine when we were presented with the challenge of a 60 second camel, the fear that shot through me as I did the sit-up and got into position. (We were offered this challenge before, but I never even contemplated it – I’d count my 20 seconds and lie down) I knelt on the top of my mat, placed my hands on my back, dropped down half-way, and as soon as I let go and placed my hands on my heels, the fear started gripping me and I wanted to get up after only about 10 seconds. Then, all of a sudden, as I thrust my hips toward the mirror really hard, something took hold of me and said, “You’re breathing, the pain is so minimal! You can stay here.” I pushed right through the fear and stayed for the full minute. As I put my hands on my back, got up, sat down and then laid down for savasana, I know my mouth was open in shock, and in my mind I just kept saying, “wow!”, as I waited for my heart rate to return to normal. As I lay there, I knew I was safe. I knew I was okay. I did it! I trusted and beat the fear….
Today I learned that fear and mistrust reside in our mind. We are capable of so much more than we think we are. Fear and mistrust are never from God, and if they’re not from God, they can’t be from anyplace good. My “whisper” that I can do it and I was safe was from someplace good, a place of God. I used to think conquering the fear of the unknown was all about just being tougher. Now I realize it’s not about being tough. It’s about being smart enough to know I’m fighting something that only exists in my mind.
Lately, when the fear of the unknown grips me, I look to my Higher Power and say the prayer that never fails: “Thy will be done.” Immediately peace floats around me, knowing that the future is not in my hands. Tomorrow in camel, I will flip backward and think “Thy will be done”. I will practice giving over complete control and letting God work through the teacher and the pose to further instruct me about fear and trust inside the studio, to translate to life outside the studio.
And so, as another day goes by, I dedicate this blog to my good friend, whose nickname is Camel, and also knows a lot about “Thy will being done”, and …I have written.
June 4th, 2011 In a novel I am reading today, I came across something that I thought was quite novel:
“Perhaps almost anyone could love, he thought; it was the loving back that seemed to count for everything.”
When people are nice to us, do things for us, buy us things, entertain us in their homes, regularly call and email us, and show genuine love for us, it’s easy to thank them and reciprocate all their kind gestures. We think we are “loving them back”. How wrong we are. We are merely enjoying and acknowledging their feelings for us when life is good.
“Loving back” is an entirely different ballgame. What about when life wasn’t so good for us and these people were still there for us? What about the nights they sat up all night when we were scared, angry, alone, and in pain? What about the countless tears and prayers alike they shared with us? What about all our indiscretions they accepted without judgement, no matter what we did? Do we reciprocate that stuff too? Or do we just reciprocate the “good, easy” stuff?
Herein lies the a..ha moment. The crux of “loving back” involves unconditional forgiveness for their indiscretions and requires us to give of ourselves when those who really love us, really need us, in times of their own darkness. “Loving back” involves hearts touching hearts in times of trouble. “Loving back” means offering love and acceptance no matter what they did, just as they always did to us.
Yes, I have to agree with the character in my novel – almost anyone can love – it’s the loving back that counts for everything. The ability to love back is what fulfills and rounds out your life and brings peace. If you are able to put yourself aside, reach out, forgive and understand a friend’s mistake, you are truly giving a piece of yourself that counts way more than the “thank you” you offered for your birthday gift.
And so, as another day goes by, we learn loving back is what truly knits hearts together, makes marriages, makes families, makes best friends and soul-mates, and defines forever. And …I have written.
June 3rd, 2011 When we have been hurt and spend months healing, very often we fight closing the wound. We want it closed and healed over very badly, but it is the finality of what it represents that won't allow us to give over to it. Very often we view it as a final end – a death of a part of our life and because of that, we fight it. We resist change and fight to hang on to things "as they were" because we are afraid. As hard as we fight it, we can't fight time, and the closing proceeds without our permission.
During this "closing" process, something became so clear to me. Who was I to make the rules that dictate how it's going to be after the wound closes? The closing of the wound had begun and because it felt so good, I was willing to drop the rules I was making and give it over to God. I realized these last 5 months are but a drop in the length of a lifetime and I have no idea of the twists and turns my life will take, anymore that I had a clue I'd be where I am today. I know deep within me that I have no control over the people who will leave or stay in my life. The only thing I am certain of, is that God does. Once I realized He is in charge of my every thought, word, and deed, the fear of closing the wound disappeared. Just knowing that it is not up to me to try to control and make rules for where my life goes from here, is a giant relief. I can look forward to each day with the attitude "Let's see what God has for me today" and then I ask for my blessings.
My blessings – where do I start? Over the past three months God has not only healed my pain, but crossed my life with so many wonderful people between my writing groups and my yoga class. Given me a trip to Florida and a time with my family that is irreplaceable. Brought my very best friend, who, over 40 years, never gave up on me, for a week long visit I will always cherish.
I learned turning over control to the Higher Power is freedom, not fear. When I tried so desperately to control things, I was obsessed with trying to decide what to say to whom. Now, I go to sleep and wake up knowing I don't have to say a thing to anyone. If God wants me to pay attention to someone, He'll see to it that I do. Life is good again. I am present and feeling it's joy almost everyday now. I do have sad days, but I have all I need to see myself through them. Closing the wound no longer scares me.
And so, as another day goes by, spring is moving toward summer, and ….I have written.
June 2nd, 2011 My teaching philosophy has always been to decide what you want to learn and do it for a few seconds everyday. This worked so well for 35 years in the classroom, that I now use it on myself. I found a wonderful set of “training wheels” to use when trying to learn new concepts – my cell phone wallpaper. I put on it whatever it is I want to be exposed to for a few seconds throughout the day, and after a few weeks, I know I’ve mastered it when I feel it’s time to change the wallpaper.
For the last few weeks I’d been having a terrible time leaving a situation in God’s hands. I’d give it over to Him in the morning, by afternoon I’d take it back, and worry about it all through the evening. I was being consumed by it, but I could never remember the message I read each morning that brought me such peace and made so much sense. This message calms me instantly, and has done so for years since I was a freshman in college:
“Don’t worry about anything. Instead pray about everything. Tell God your needs and don’t forget to thank Him for His answers. It is then you will experience God’s peace which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. ~ Phil 4:6,7
Then, 2 weeks ago, when my pain and worry were really getting the best of me, I got a bright idea. I took a picture of the message, set it as the wallpaper on my phone, and all day, whenever I turned my phone on, there was the message. I got exposed to it for a few seconds at a time all day. What I found was that each time I saw it, it brought me instant calm and peace – I didn’t even have to read it, as I knew it by heart. I merely had to just see it and receive it’s effect on me. (I like to call it a little blessing I’d get each time I looked at my phone.)
Now, under the careful tutelage of my cell phone, I have truly given the situation over to God and have found the peace I sought. I changed the picture to one I took of the sun setting behind the Sagamore bridge over the canal, and now I find that peace many times throughout the day in that picture.
Just a few minutes ago this appeared in my email: (there are no coincidences)
“Praise the bridge that carried you over.” ~ George Colman
And so, as another day goes by, “training wheels” come in many forms, and…I have written.
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