|
|
May 22nd, 2011 In Bikram yoga we are constantly told to "trust in the process". We go through the poses each day and while we may not feel the medical benefits while we're in them, after consistent practice, many things in our bodies will grow, change, and heal almost magically. The bad knee is gone. Lower back problems are a thing of the past. Appetite control has kicked in without cravings. Sleep is deep, even, and consistent and not to be agonized over ever again. Elimination and gastro difficulties do not exist anymore. Sinus, headache, and allergy problems have disappeared from the radar. This is the first spring I am free from Nettie pots, inhalers, and allergy meds.
As you can see, eight months of Bikram yoga has not only brought me through one of the most difficult mind and spirit restructurings I've ever been through, but has also totally rearranged and healed my body. These changes took place slowly, incrementally, over time. The key was consistency and trusting the process to happen just by going to class. Not by thinking about it or trying to DO something to further the changes along, but by just simply going to class and trusting the poses to do their work daily, silently, and with no more input from me.
The dismantling and restructuring of me, over the last 5 months has taken place in much the same way. At the Unfinished Woman retreat yesterday, Joan Anderson gave me a line that totally summed up the path I have been on:
"Process the grief that is partner to change"
Grieving is always portrayed as a horrible process to have to go through, but once you partner it with change, a small light appears that let's you know eventually it will be okay. It was said yesterday that it takes a long time to process grief and you MUST take that time. I made the mistake of repressing that time and refused to stop and experience it. I wouldn't trust the process in the months immediately following my mother's passing. I just pretended it didn't happen. Then when I was forced to enter the grieving process, it also took a toll on other relationships in my life because no one, including me, realized what was happening.
Now, I understand where I was, where I am now, and where I'm going. I also now understand there are six R's (pic below) to the process, in addition to the five stages of grief. Since January I have come through them all. I learned the importance of taking the time and trusting that the process is working, even through the darkest of days. I also know it is never finished….because I will always be an Unfinished Woman…just one that is now more capable of handling change.
And so, as another day goes by, the spring is back in my step today, and …I have written.
May 21st, 2011 Today I attended a women's retreat on the beach called The Unfinished Woman conducted by best-selling author Joan Anderson. I heard some pretty profound truths today, but the one I brought home to share is:
"Take a breath, and just be kind" ~ The Dalai Lama
You're plane is late, you're not going to make it. Take a breath and just be kind, you're not going to make your connection.
You're spouse is being a jerk. Take a breath and just be kind, tomorrow you won't even remember it.
Someone said hurtful things to you. Take a breath and just be kind, don't escalate the situation.
If I had this advice months ago, I might not have lost something that is irreplaceable. Think long and hard about this, my friends. It could prevent your world from getting flipped upside-down in a matter of hours.
And so, as another day goes by, the journey inward can be tiring, as well as valuable, and …I have written.
May 20th, 2011 Today I glanced at the time and actually noticed my husband was late with his morning text. Then the car drove by throwing the paper on the driveway. I don’t read it until noon, so I never noticed when it came. Today I noted the time and thought 7:30 is kind of late for working people to get their morning paper.
It’s small things like this that wake up the person I lost last year. For months I didn’t care about too much past anything I was actually obliged to get up do. I was buried in prayer and books and writing, trying to make sense out of my terribly disjointed world. I’m watching all the people on the news whose lives were normal one day and the next day they are in jail with a whole lot of trouble and heartache ahead of them. I see parents in the news who lost children and the inexplicable pain of grieving they are going to face is heart wrenching. There is no harder work than making it to the other side of the five stages of grieving and remaining intact to talk about it.
Death is not the only thing we grieve. Any loss that’s a major blow to our heart will send us down that road. It is so true that when preciousness is ripped away from us, we are first angry and blaming everyone in sight, including ourselves. Next we just deny we ever lost anything and spend countless hours trying to figure out how to get it back. After that doesn’t ease the pain, we start to bargain with God, ourselves, and anyone who will listen. We start giving away everything we’re made of, just to have it “okay” again. By now, we’re so spent, the only road left is depression. Depression being the body’s own way of putting us at rest because we won’t do it consciously. It’s an inner time of fatigue and lethargy that’s necessary to quiet the anger and fighting we’ve been doing for months. I, myself, spent days and hours in one chair, only going to yoga each day which took enormous effort. All the while knowing this was not normal, but somehow knowing it was necessary. We were told in yoga to listen to our body. It always tells us what we need at a particular time and not listening can be more dangerous. After the rest of depression, we begin to move out of the chair in small ways, considering each time we get up and do something we’re not obligated to do, a small victory. I used to congratulate myself big-time for getting out of the chair at three pm and taking a walk. Every Monday actually getting to the store to buy groceries, was a major accomplishment. If I had events planned for the day, it was great relief at night that I went to each one. That’s how I knew I was going to eventually be okay. Once you reach this point, you are teetering on the verge of acceptance.
Acceptance is a whole new place. You suddenly appreciate a sunny day. There’s a spring in your step walking to the car in the morning that you haven’t felt for a long time. A great peace fills the stomach, heart, and mind. You still don’t have any answers. You still don’t know what the future will bring, but you are beginning to get the present back. There have been mornings this week, that I have said it’s better to sit and watch the news and stay present, rather than retreat to music and meditation. A sign the world is beginning to mean something to me again. That feeling of “in touch” is resurfacing.
The journey is far from complete, there will be setbacks, but I know I’m almost there. I also know I am a new and different person than the one that was thrown so unexpectedly into this journey. I now know what it means to be centered. That used to be just a term I heard over and over, but never quite grasped. Now it means that I am like a rock and everything starts within me and emanates out from me, instead of me chasing everything outside of me and grabbing at it to be happy. God resides in my heart, instead of riding shotgun and guides and directs every word I think, speak, or write and every action I perform. He also emanates from me, instead of me always grabbing at Him and begging.
It’s been a long five months, and while I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, I also wouldn’t trade it for anything. I felt compelled to share my journey via this blog to maybe help reassure someone else that they WILL be okay. I know when I was in my worst pain, I was grabbing and reading everything that told me I wasn’t going over the edge, that what I was feeling was all part of a process, and most of all I wasn’t the only person that ever experienced this. That, in itself, relieved a lot of anxiety.
And so, as another day goes by, I now know that before others can be important in my life, I have to be important to me, and ….I have written.
May 19th, 2011 Today I had a particularly hard yoga class. The humidity is creeping back and I felt it. My breath started to head to panic attack mode. I didn’t think I could lie still for one more second, and I even took an unheard of sip of water between the two sets of rabbit pose. I remembered everything I learned about this type of control in dealing with anger and told myself this is how anger takes over the mind and body and I have to remain still. I did it, and after a long savasana at the end, went and sat out on the porch for a few minutes. It felt good to finally be able to do this after a long rainy winter.
Then I got in my car and as I was driving to the pharmacy, I suddenly realized that today I was very tired of praying for things like strength, fortitude, letting go, tolerance, wisdom, patience, understanding, trusting, faith, hope, etc; not to mention all the needs of my friends I pray for daily. All of this type of prayer just seemed like too much work today. So instead, I prayed just a simple little prayer:
“God, today, take care of me”
And you know what? Within minutes He did just that! For two years I have been looking for a nail place here in my town. After going to the pharmacy, I found myself going into one, it was perfect, and I have an appointment for a manicure/pedicure tomorrow. Then I drove home and the sun was out, it was warm and I used the outside shower for the first time this year. That was luxurious. It was lunchtime and I desperately wanted chicken soup and I just knew there was no more left, when there, in the very back of the freezer sat one more package. I never knew frozen soup could elicit such ecstasy. Next, the sun stayed out long enough for me to sit in my garden and write this, enjoying a quiet moment in my own backyard. Now, after The Talk and a nap, I think I can take over and resume responsibility for myself and let God get on to more important things.
Sometimes it’s okay to just stop trying. Just for a little while. Today I give gratitude for simple, little things that make such a big difference.
And so, as another day goes by, I’m beginning to feel better, and …I have written.
May 18th, 2011 Anger has not been a dominant force in my life, but lately I’ve had my share to deal with. Whenever I have felt anger, it always made me feel powerful in reaction to an event, when, in fact, the opposite is true.
Something has to happen to cause the anger to well up inside me. Someone or something had to make me feel scared or frustrated, inciting anger as a reaction to something bigger than me. When I let the anger take hold and direct my actions, I become a victim and anger results as a defense. Whenever I’m a victim, I am at my weakest. The powerful feeling anger often evokes is purely delusional, protecting me from the actual pain. The real power lies in being able to retain control and not lash out in anger when I am compromised.
Theory in tact, what’s the “how to”? How do you learn to take control when that sudden anger sweeps through your body? How do you stop and quiet yourself before you utter the first angry word? It takes a tremendous amount of mind control. I have found the mind control I practice everyday in the yoga studio, has gone a long way toward controlling anger. Day after day I suspend my body in poses it is begging to get out of. I maintain that tiger gaze into my eyes in the mirror, find stillness, and refuse to give into my mind’s constant nudging to quit the pose. I lay on my mat in savasana, wanting to move, but my eyes stay fixed on the ceiling, not even blinking, preventing movement. I have learned not to give in to my mind begging to adjust my clothing, or wipe dripping sweat, scratch itches, etc. and instead lay in profound stillness and focus.
It has taken months of daily conditioning for this mind control to kick in outside the studio at the onset of anger. Lately I have noticed that as soon as the anger strikes, I remain quiet. Most times the anger subsides faster than the situation that created it and I am able to react in a much more rational manner. It’s good to have figured this out. Both for when that angry feeling overtakes me and/or when it is directed at me.
Anger is a force that not only sweeps through me, but sweeps through the world. The news stories and talk shows are filled with topics, that while all different, have anger as their common denominator. Whether it’s a civil war in a middle-eastern country or an abused guest on Dr. Phil, anger is beneath it all. Learning to recognize anger for what it is – a weakness – not place of power, is essential to the well-being of our world, and to me, personally.
And so, as another day goes by, I will try to always remain in control and come from a place of love, and …I have written.
May 17th, 2011 Making room for new things seems to be dominating my life lately. I am redoing a room by selling everything in it and making room for a newer, more simplistic look. I'm having a garage sale and emptying at least 20 more of those plastic bins that I have dragged through three houses and one apartment, across two states. I have been praying for a heart makeover, allowing new thoughts and ideas to take hold within me. (Again, the teacher in me says to start with the concrete and move with it to the abstract – try to teach a five year old the concept of time, and you will quicky understand.)
I have been praying fervently, and almost, at times, violently for a new, different, better, me for months now. At times I'd get so mad at God because He doesn't seem to hear me. I wake up day after day with the same heaviness. I ask God for peace and understanding, but to no avail. Then, today, he dropped the answer off the Internet into my lap:
"We must learn to let go, give up, to make room for the things we have prayed for and desired." ~ Charles Fillmore
Instead of an "ah..ha" moment, this was more like a "duh" moment. I can see God saying "I have all this new stuff you asked for sitting right here to give you, but where would you like me to put it?" There are so many things taking up precious room in my mind and my thoughts, that God couldn't give me a blessing if He tried – I left no room to absorb anymore.
Once again I am brought back to the topic of letting go. Somehow, I always end up here. I love the concept, but have difficulty doing it, or for that matter, figuring out HOW to do it. So much so, that I get frustrated and give up more times than not. And just when I want to give up, another little burst of wisdom crosses my path:
"The secret of life though, is to fall down seven times, and get up eight times."
~ Paulo Coelo
I have been obsessing for months over someone's unfair criticism of me. This has taken precious time and strength away from other areas of my life. Being a martyr was somewhat gratifying, but it caused me to hang onto anger, resentment and make up things in my mind that don't even exist in reality. Not only is this non-productive, but it fills me with more and more anxiety and if I don't let go of even some of this, there will no room for all I have asked God for.
I always looked at "letting go" as leaving an empty cavern inside me, and somehow that was more scary than being full and occupied with all my mind was drumming up. I was sabotaging my own prayers and poor God could only stand there holding all the blessings he had for me, shaking His head sadly, because God is a teacher. He knows He can't force me to "let go" and let Him work. It has to come from within me or it wouldn't mean anything. All good teachers know this. Good teachers coach, support, encourage, soothe, and, at times, carry the yoke for a few steps giving the student time to catch their breath, but they never take away the responsibility for learning from the student. And God has been a great teacher, but now it's my turn to step up to the plate.
I need to go down to the basement and bring up that last bin hiding in the corner by the furnace. I need to open it and put it's contents out in the garage sale. Spring is a time of renewal. Time to let go of all my old ways of thinking and operating, and make room for all the new blessings God has been so patiently holding for me.
And so, as another day goes by, who knew letting go really meant making room? And…I have written.
May 16th, 2011 Last fall I wrote about working on the I Ching of Gain and was having quite a problem with that, since it concerned getting a handle on one’s money. I took it off after 5 months and set it by my bathroom sink. There it sat for 8 more months next to the toothpaste. I’m happy to report I’ve finally mastered it, and it found it’s way to the tree with the others. I now see money out the same as money in and have a stronghold on spending. Time to move on to a new path…..abundance.
When I think of abundance, I think of it as having more than enough of everything – from love to money and everything in between. Ahha…this should be an easy one, I thought when I chose it. Then I got it home and found out it really means the opposite. Visions of this charm beside the toothpaste began to dance in my head.
Abundance does not mean surrounding ourselves with material goods. Abundance is living fully with what we have now. The following came across my desk today:
“If you haven’t got all the things you want, be grateful for all the things you don’t have that you don’t want.” ~Anonymous
As my list of things I don’t have and don’t ever want grows, the things I do have become more important. Lately, getting ready for my garage sale and beginning the renovation of another room, I have been sorting and paring down the amount of things I do have. In doing so, I’m finding life a lot easier to manage by simplifying and making do with what I have. In doing the room over, I am dying the curtains and selling more furniture than I’m going to replace. Sometimes we need to start with the concrete, then move into the abstract.
In my quest to make abundance less about acquiring material things, and more about appreciating spiritual things, I find the blessing of the friends and family I have around me right now place “living in abundance” within myself. True abundance also lies in appreciating the things of the earth we pass through and by each day, such as water, air, and sunlight.
The Taoist masters would laugh at the way we go about struggling to achieve more and working harder to succeed, while all the while most of what we need to live a happy, full, life lies in what we already have – both on the inside and on the outside. We sometimes get so busy acquiring, that after awhile, we’re just acquiring to acquire.
I wear my I Ching charm and use it as a touchstone to remind me less is more, make do with what I have, and give a lot of gratitude for things I’m glad I don’t have.
And so, as another day goes by, hoping toothpaste isn’t in the future of this one, and …I have written.
May 15th, 2011 Today I spent the day reading Cutting For Stone. It was a cozy, dark, rainy day – just right to curl up with a book. This is an amazing story, so well written, and full of insight beyond the storyline. Too many thought lines pushed past me today to stop and give equal attention to each one. For example:
“A man is going along, when out of the blue comes a banana peel, a cosmic joke that leaves you upended and clutching your belly. “
How many times have you had that happen? Thought so. Me too. One minute life is normal, you’re happily moving along, the next you’ve lost something precious and are doubled over in pain. You wake up wondering how on earth you got from here to there in no time flat.
This is an incredible story that parallels those inevitable moments we all experience. It’s a great read.
And so, as another day goes by, I begin chapter 16, and…I have written.
May 14th, 2011 My day today began in a 1977 MG convertible and went backward from there. My husband and I started out with the top down and headed north along the back roads into the Adirondacks. It was an overcast day, but not too cold. We had just recently acquired this little car and our conversation began as we talked about our early married days in 1975 when we always wished we had a little car like this. I was bundled up in my winter coat and headband and both of us were laughing and playing a 70’s music cd that my husband made for our first ride. The wind was fresh and cool. Soon we found ourselves up in North Broadalbin. We passed the spot where we pulled over to eat subs at 2am the night of our senior prom back in 1971. Reminiscence was jumpstarted in my mind as I remembered unwrapping the huge sandwiches in the darkness by the light of the radio that was playing the same songs we were listening to today.
Then my husband said, “I smell rain.”
I said, “That’s because it’s raining,”I said, pointing to the windshield.
We wondered if we should put up the top, but the rain seemed to be stopping at the windshield and going over our heads, so we drove on. The next step back in time happened as we approached the Conklingville Dam. “Remember that spot?”, my husband asked me. I did. It was where we got engaged on October 12, 1974. My husband spread a blanket on a floating dock and asked me to marry him, producing the diamond that was still on my finger as I looked down at the hand in my lap.
We continued on up the mountain, stopping for lunch at the Upriver Cafe, a quaint little place perched on a river known for whitewater rafting. Eventually we made our way all the way up to Lake George Village. Here, there was a memory at every corner of the days in the eighties we had spent there with our girls. Their favorite gift shop, where we purchased many pink and purple plastic trinkets over the years, struck a chord in my heart. Where did that time go? Memories of strollers and ice cream cones moved me along the empty streets today as the shops were preparing to open for the summer season.
On the way home, we stopped to see one of those daughters at the Wine Merchant in Glens Falls where she works on weekends. After a nice visit with her, we put up the top as the rain turned from a light drizzle to a real rain, and began our trek back down the mountain toward home. As we approached North Broadalbin , once again I was swept back in time. We drove down the road where my grandparents had a home on the lake where I spent every summer and weekend in my early childhood. As we stopped in front of the house, I could still see my fifth birthday party that was held on the side lawn. Today an addition to the home covers the spot my huge pink and white birthday cake occupied 52 years ago.
The closer we got to home, other things about my family began to cross my mind. I remembered the arguments and spats that kept some family members from talking to each other for years. They are all dead now, and I find it so sad that they wasted precious days with and, so often, without, each other. In the space of time, did all those words really matter? Today resolved never to do that with the family I have left.
I don’t live here anymore, day to day, but still call my NY trips “going home”. My dad and brothers and sister still live here in NY, and my husband works here during the week. So much of me is defined by moments in time spent at the foot of these Adirondack Mountains, even though my days are now spent far away near the ocean.
Home now, feet up, glass of wine poured, book open on my Kindle, I settle in for the evening with what might possibly be the the best book I ever read – Cutting For Stone by Abraham Verghese. I read a few paragraphs and this is what I find:
“Wasn’t that the definition of home? Not where you are from, but where you are wanted.”
And so, another day goes by, I am “home” tonight, and …I have written.
*Pic below is of my husband giving our daughter a ride in a car that’s older than she is! 🙂
May 13th, 2011 In my journey through forgiveness, I have failed to ask the one important question that lends credence to the three sides of forgiveness I have explored. That question is:
“What is forgiveness?”
The only way to answer this question is to come from a place of experience. I once made a huge mistake. Though it was unintentional, just the havoc and hurt I inflicted pained me deeply. The first thing I did was take responsibility for my actions and sincerely apologize. I was told there are no excuses, no “get out of jail free cards” and have still since not been forgiven. I have been wrestling in this emotional prison for months, looking for answers, turning forgiveness around, holding it up to the light like a crystal goblet, trying to see all sides. Then today I came across a piece on forgiveness that explained it to me so clearly. I’d like to share it with you. There is no author cited, except for the quote on the end, so I do not know who to credit with these wise words that have finally put the issue of forgiveness to bed for me.
“Living Life Fully
Thoughts and ideas on what goes into living our lives fully and happily. There are no set answers here, just some observations of life and living that hopefully can help you to see things in a positive light!
11 May 2011
Forgiveness
I come from a background in which anger and resentment were rather normal. It wasn’t that the people in my life liked being angry and resentful–they just hadn’t learned how to deal with their feelings in other ways. Because of this background, though, it took me many years during my young adulthood to unlearn this pattern, to realize that such thoughts were not only negative, but also harmful.
One of the most important accomplishments in my life has been to learn how to forgive. I don’t always do so quickly enough to save myself a few miserable days, but I have learned to view people’s actions in a much more objective light, taking them much less personally. Usually I see behavior that affects me negatively as a reflection of bad things that are going on in other people’s lives, and this helps me to forgive much more easily. Did that guy cut me off in traffic? Maybe he’s in a hurry because someone’s sick. Did that person talk about me behind my back? Well, maybe she’s feeling insecure about herself, and she has to knock someone down to make herself feel better. Her words don’t change who I am.
Being able to see things this way has almost no effect at all on the other people involved in any situation, but it does have a strong effect on me: I’m able to feel more peaceful, more relaxed, and more able to help others. I feel that things are okay apart from this one small aspect of my life, and my forgiveness helps me to realize the relative insignificance of this aspect. I’m not here on this planet to control other people and have them ask for forgiveness when I feel they should do so–the only person’s actions and thoughts over which I have any sort of control are my own, and I can forgive if I choose to do so, knowing that doing so helps me.
There’s a common misconception that forgiving someone implies that the action that’s being forgiven was okay, but I always keep in mind that I’m forgiving the person, not the action. Hurting other people is always wrong, but we all make mistakes and hurt others. I’m very thankful that some people in life have forgiven me for some of my actions, so why shouldn’t I show the same courtesy to others? Forgiving doesn’t make wrong right or take away responsibility–forgiveness just says it’s not up to me to judge, and I’m not going to hold a grudge against you just because you made a mistake.
Keeping score of old scores and scars, getting even
and one-upping, always make you less than you are.
Malcolm Forbes”
|
|
