You would think that if perhaps you knew the answer to this question, you could avoid heartaches and run the other way. Some old adages try to explain heartaches. We've all heard it said that "There's a reason for everything" and "If it doesn't kill you, it'll make you stronger" which was always a favorite of mine. I only had one question about that though – how do you know if this is the one that WILL kill you? Then I stumbled upon the source of heartaches. God. Yes, God. The very person you're told to go to with your heartaches, is the source of them. And because He is the source of them, you can be sure they won't kill you and do happen for a reason. Every heartache passes through His hands first before it touches our lives. And God, as the perfect chemist, pours, measures, weighs, titrates, and mixes until the heartache is just the perfect strength for us to handle.
My heartaches always come out of nowhere. I never see them coming. God will stop me in my tracks by putting His hand on my shoulder. I'll look at Him and there he'll be with a huge beaker full of some scary looking stuff, "You want me to drink that?" I'll say. He says, Yes, and then I want you to walk on water." So I drink it, wipe my mouth on my sleeve and head toward the ocean. Ahh…walking on water, keeping my eyes on Him while splashing through the heartache. And so I go, day by day, repeating to myself, "Don't look down, don't look down", until I make my way to the other side where a crude cross waits in the distance.
I always pictured my walks to be across the waves on Cape Cod Bay as I wrangled with many matters of the heart over the years. As I stood on my beach today, I looked across that bay once again. It was such a clear day that I could make out the Pilgrim Monument in Provincetown. The current heartache beat inside me, and my mind was heavy with things I do not understand. I pictured my feet walking on the crest of the waves. I kept my head up, my eyes on the Monument.
After awhile, I turned and headed for home, heart quiet, mind calm, knowing I don't have to understand a thing, and faith once again intact. I picked up a rock and brought it home with me. As I walked up the sandy boardwalk, I thought that when I get home, I will write on the rock and place it by my chair to remind me each morning to keep my eyes focused on that monument.
And so, as another day goes by, I made way home as my sandals on the pavement tapped out "don't look down, don't look down, and…. I have written.
Upon waking this “Mayday” I was greeted by that term on the morning news. The only meaning I have for it is the distress call “Mayday! Mayday!”. In looking back upon my journey through loss over this past year, I have uttered that cry many times. The nuances of “move on”, “let go”, “go forward”, etc. have been thrust upon me by many sources. In my quest I have found that forward isn’t always the best direction to go when trying to heal oneself. Remember the old adage “hindsight is 20/20”. Sometimes looking back to a time in your life when you found yourself in a similar place and rediscovering what helped you save your life back then, might be a good thing to try now. Wednesday night, on American Idol, my Carole King Tapestry album was resurrected. I immediately downloaded it.
Back in the early seventies, when I was a mere youngster in my mid-twenties trying to figure out how to live life as an adult, with a marriage, a mortgage, and a career, that album got me through what was the toughest year of my life, until now. My husband and I became separated for the better part of a year. I can still picture my Carole King cassette, with it’s clear plastic box cracked and the words worn off the cassette itself from so much in and out of the tape decks everywhere I went. I drove with it, walked with it, slept with it, and above all cried with it. Every song touched my soul and spoke directly to our sad situation. It was in those songs I found hope and answers. I did a lot of praying too, but my faith in God was so new back then, He had to find other ways to reach me. It was in those songs, when I was so alone (everyone, including my parents, was on my husband’s “side”) I found words that said “I understand”.
Today, on this Mayday morning, I was happily surprised to discover my download of Tapestry as I set about choosing music for today’s beach walk. As I set off down the street, “I feel the Earth move under my feet …” blared through my headphones. Just as it did, back in ’79, the pavement somewhere inside me seemed to move and another shift toward healing took place. Once again the old cloak of “someone understands” wrapped around my shoulders – a bit musty from the seventies, but nevertheless warm and no worse for wear.
King’s music, in my story, is a perfect example of timelessness. A prolific songwriter whose words still move this old soul in a positive direction thirty years later. If you are ever called upon in life to heal and move on, before you take those first steps forward, take one last look behind you – there may be something valuable you need to take with you to help you in your journey once again.
And so, as another day goes by, “my life has been a tapestry of rich and royal hue” that I wouldn’t change in any way, and …I have written.
….these simple words, uttered by people everyday day, were slammed home to me from a very unusual source, making them lose their "triteness". I am an avid reader and many quotes pass through my brain each day, but never did I think I would be quoting a fictional character from a popular primetime TV drama.
A few months ago, the character of Charlotte, played by KaDee Strickland on the show Private Practice uttered her version of those words in such a way, it made me write them down and use it as my email signature to remind myself daily of their power:
"You can't give up on the things you love, not ever…" Charlotte ~ Private Practice Sent from my iPhone… Linda Bartosik 🙂
As Strickland delivered those words with such unmeasurable force to another character on the show, she paused at the comma and then said "not ever.." with such conviction it shook some deep emotion out of me. In the long pause that followed, the other character just stared at her before turning and walking away.
I read those words every time I write an email, and their force never lessens. I am reminded daily to consider seriously "the things I love". When these "things" become a mountain in front of me that I just can't climb and all I want to do is walk away from them, I see this signature. The words "not ever", in the sharp voice of "Charlotte", rivets through my heart with the force of a nail gun. Then I stop and just look up, because in these moments there's nowhere else to look. I just look up, because even though there's so much to say, no words, even for prayer, come to me. I just stand there, at the bottom of my mountain, and just look up.
Then I put on my old beach sandals, grab my headphones, and put on the song below and just walk. I put on sunglasses to hide the tears from passers by. I usually end up on the beach, stand there alone, and just look up. This song renews my faith in things I don't understand, but yet must be. After awhile I turn and trudge up the sand path and head for home, repeating, "You can't give up on the things you love, not ever", with renewed force. I find hope and strength for yet another day.
Today I share my thoughts, my faith, and this song with you, just in case some of the "things you love" suddenly become mountains, you'll be prepared.
And so, as another day goes by, to my "mountains" out there I say "NOT EVER", and….I have written. I Will Lift My Eyes by Bebo Norman. Enjoy and take heart…..
Watching the royal wedding this morning caused my eyes to blink open very early and hear some words of wisdom that rang true for me.
Some things I heard that caused me to sit up and take notice were contained in the priest’s message to the royal couple instructing them in what it would take to have a lasting relationship. Two things in particular stood out.
The priest said, “It takes mutual forgiveness to thrive.” The words “mutual” and “thrive” spoke to me. Through the word mutual, I saw the two sides of forgiveness. God has always blessed me with the gift of forgiving easily. I believe deep within that there is nothing to be gained by carrying around anger, that in the big picture, is so minuscule, but so damaging to both people involved. The other side of forgiveness is equally as cruel. To not be forgiven for something you never intended to do, and have shown true remorse for, is as, or more, damaging than not being able to forgive your own transgressors. The other key word was thrive. Mutual forgiveness allows both people to grow, move forward, and become better for each other. In my mind, don’t even try a marriage with someone who does not easily participate in forgiveness. In marriage, as well as in friendship, requiring a person to be perfect is the quickest way to end the relationship, which brings me to the other wise statement the priest offered.
His other poignant piece of wisdom he had for the royal couple was, “You are in the relationship to transform each other, not reform each other”. I completely understand and agree with this, and have never heard it stated quite so well before. I can say from personal experience that both my husband and I are different people today than we were when we met at 17, and the transformation is due to a friendship, based on forgiveness and trust. We never reformed each other – the things that annoyed us about each other then, still annoy us today. But because we transformed into adults from the teens we were, as a result of our life together, those annoyances, like our issues needing forgiveness over the years, have become insignificant in our big picture. I can safely say, after 35 years, we married each other for who we are, not who we hoped to make each other into. These two pieces of advice are necessary for two people to make a “big picture”.
I hadn’t really planned on spending a lot of time watching the wedding this morning, but in it I found a certain amount of respect for Kate and Will for being able to bring the traditional pomp and circumstance into the 21st century. From the ceremony, to her dress, to the guests they invited into the church (the homeless Will spent the night with, the neighborhood people they interact with, etc.) to the music at the evening ball, they infused the entire day with parts of their own personalities and lives and brought youth and tradition together.
And so, as another day goes by, I wish both, the royal couple, and a dear friend of my daughter’s who also wed on this day, the fairy tale I have found in my own marriage and I thank them for reminding me of it today.
(At one point we “transformed” ourselves into a rockstar and a chef ….laugh much with your spouse, family, and friends …you never know what, over the years, you’ll transform into with each other, and….I have written.)
I awoke this morning to the terrible devastation caused by the tornados in the south last night. Feeling such sadness for the people and the loss incurred down there, I turned my head and out the window caught a glimpse of the the colorful hyacinths in our spring garden. How is it possible that beauty and color exist next to such dark tragedy within the turn of my head? There had to be a law that allows this.
We have two kinds of laws. Laws of the courts and the laws of science. Laws of the courts can be changed and amended. Laws of science cannot. I think there is much to be learned from the law of physics that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. For example, if we work too much, the need for play will start pushing back against the work. If we exercise too much, the need for rest will start pushing back against the overexertion. If we sit or sleep too much, walking and wakefulness will start pushing back against our sedentary selves. This tells us that we, too, are governed by that simple law of physics. We were meant to live a balanced life and if we go to extremes in any area of our life, opposite forces will begin to press on us.
When we wake up to such devastation like that which filled our news this morning, we must remember that right along side of it good and joyful things are happening to the same number of people. Babies are being born, cancer is being beaten, children are being fed and educated. Devastation is balanced with joy in the world and when our sadness begins to overtake us, we must remember that joy is also filling hearts somewhere.
Examine your day to maintain your balanced life. In everything you do during one day, look at both extremes and you will begin to recognize the significance balance plays in your attitude and overall happiness. Long ago I used to be fanatical about a perfectly clean home and well-maintained yard. I learned that being obsessive in one area of my life, threw the balance off in other areas. By leaving no time for play in my weekend, I’d arrive at Monday tired and moody. On the other hand if I played all weekend and gave no attention to my house and yard, I’d arrive at Monday flustered and disorganized. In either extreme, Monday was adversely affected. I had since learned to balance that scale, and it resulted in an overall calmer lifestyle.
There are so many bad things happening in the world today, that we must remember to search the news, as well as the life right outside our door to not lose sight of all the good things happening, too. In seeking balance in your own life, please do remember to pray for the people in Alabama whose balance has been so cruelly upended in the last twenty four hours, and then take a look outside your own window and give gratitude for the grass in your yard and the new life it represents – even if it is un-mowed.
And so, as another day goes by, a few colorful hyacinths restored balance to my day, and….I have written.
Today I came across a story about a Manchurian diplomat in the 1700’s. Each year his tribe sacrificed a member by beheading him. Each year the diplomat asked the chief to stop this practice and each year the chief patiently listened to him, and then went ahead with the sacrifice. This went on for 23 years. Over the course of that time the two had become close friends. On the 24th year the diplomat asked that the chief behead him for the sacrifice. The chief stared at him for a long time, but he had come to love him and could not kill him, ending the practice of the sacrifice.
Sometimes love is not in the words “I love you” at all. It builds over time and there are no words to bring love out into the open. It is the silent communication of two souls without words, just understanding, heart to heart, across time and miles.
Sometimes we have a situation in our life that requires us to just stop talking. Just stop thinking. Just stop planning. Just stop looking for the right words…..because, sometimes, (and as a writer and lover of words, I find this a challenge) there are no words. We must sit in silence and let the hearts talk amongst themselves.
And so, as another day goes by, talk evaporates and silence communicates, and…I have written.
I read so many stories about broken hearts. They are always written about or by the person whose heart was broken. Very seldom do I come across the story of a person who did the breaking. I have had my heart broken some over the years. A few times I thought the pain was so unbearable that I’d never see the other side of it. How many of you, too, have picked up the two pieces of your heart off the floor and spent months finding some epoxy that will hold it together? Eventually you do find one that works and one day when you take your hands away, the two pieces hold firm, eventually hardening into just a thin scar. This I know. This I can do.
But what if you are the breaker of a heart? One time, I held a fragile heart. It was like holding a trembling baby bird in my hand. I had to be so careful. It was a delicate balance as I carried it from place to place all day long. I had to squeeze just hard enough so it wouldn’t fall out of my hand as I walked with it, but I had to loosen my hold just enough for it to breathe and grow. And it takes a long time for the baby to grow into not a baby anymore. It stays fragile for a long time. Then one day, without meaning to, I tripped and fell and inadvertently squeeze too tight as I hit the ground. As it died, I felt real pain for the first time. Pain that no broken heart of my own can ever rival. This heart was broken by my own hand.
I would take the pain of having my heart broken a million times, rather than live in the emotional prison caused by being the breaker. I never held anything so fragile as that heart. I just didn’t know that such fragility and pain existed.
This is a pain that you never want to know. If you are the keeper of a heart, please be careful and watchful of objects that are closer than they appear in the mirror. They can cause you to trip because you are trying so hard to keep that heart safe by looking out in the distance and you miss what is right at your feet.
And so, as another day goes by, there are no excuses, apologies, or epoxies…and I have written.
I have a friend who is enamored with rocks. Each time we go to the beach when she visits, she is drawn in some way to examining them and bringing the special ones back home. She’d leave them around the house in small piles and I’d find them after she left.
Last summer she gave me three special rocks. They are in the picture below. I look at them everyday without any other significance other than remembering her. It was just today I realized the gifts she gave me in each one. She gave me courage because she knows I get my feelings hurt easily and have to develop a “lizard skin”. She gave me peace because she knows I need to still my body and discover the power of daily meditation. She gave me silence because she knows I talk too much and need to listen more. The rocks themselves represent the strengths we admire in each other and, at times, exchange.
Today I’d like to give these gifts to you. In your quiet time think: if I gave you courage, what in your life would it be for? What great thing do you need to steel yourself against? If I gave you peace, where in your life is it needed most? What place in your world needs quieting right now? If I gave you silence, what would you hear?
Today I share my gifts with you, just as my friend shared them with me. Take them and use them as you will. Find 6 special rocks of your own. Make one set as a gift to yourself by writing the words on them, and make another set to pass on to someone close to you.
And so, as another day goes by, it is once again the elements of the earth that change and rearrange us, and…I have written.
…I learned from the Easter Bunny!
Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
There’s no such thing as too much candy.
All work and no play can make you a basket case.
A cute tail attracts a lot of attention.
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.
Some body parts should be floppy.
Keep your paws off of other people’s jelly beans.
Good things come in small, sugar coated packages.
The grass is always greener in someone else’s basket.
To show your true colors, you have to come out of the shell.
The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.
May the joy of the season fill your heart.
AND MAY GOD BLESS YOU!
Happy Easter and thanks for all your support!
As I brushed my teeth this morning, gazing out the bathroom window, I was wishing it were a better day out for my shopping expedition. Refusing to let the rain ruin my day or dampen my spirit I said: "Rain won't ruin my Mashpee Commons jaunt. In it's face, My laughter I will flaunt."
Nice poetic thought then, but now as I enter The Uncommon Cafe in search of soup and shelter from the weather I spent the better part of the morning battling, I'm not laughing. (Well, now that the soup was warm and good and I see they have fresh brewed coffee on tap, maybe I am beginning to smile a bit.)
Sitting here contemplating the rain, brought to mind a thought about water and love I had recently come across. It was a such a true misperception that it keeps niggling at my brain as I watch the rain fall through the cafe window.
"Beneath the many choices we have to make, love like water, flows back into the world through us. It is the one great secret available to all. Yet somewhere the misperception has been enshrined that to withhold love will stop the hurt. In truth, it is the other way around. As water soaks scars, love soothes our wounds. If opened to, we will accept the angrily thrown stone, and our small tears will lose some of their burn in the great ocean of tears, and the arrow released to the bottom of the river will lose it's point."
After getting hurt by someone we love, our initial reaction is to snap shut, warding off further hurt and pain. This is our very human defense mechanism. Our mind and heart need time to take in and process what has happened. Time to run over the details, and then sit in disbelief. How could this happen? But after awhile, we must open up again. To withhold love is often more damaging than opening ourselves up to "another try". There must always be "another try", because to hold back something that has such quiet force as love does, is more damaging than once again being hurt. Using love as a weapon to invoke punishment upon those who have hurt us by withholding love causes silent damage to our heart, much like high blood pressure, another silent killer. Both in painful times, as well as in joyful times, it's emotionally healthier to stay open…receive what comes. Be tolerant. Listen. Apologize. Discuss…and then put it away, having learned. It is what the universe asks us to do, because we are all connected. Don't stay bottled up. Don't be a cog in the workings of the universe. Stay open, take in love so it can flow back out through you.
It is easy to give of ourselves at the shelters. It is easy to give of ourselves to people who are superficial friends that never get a real glimpse of our hearts. Real life, real love, lives deeper than that. It lives down in the trenches where it gets messy because our hearts are touched, like a doctor massaging a heart in open heart surgery. The heart is exposed. It tears easily. Only a few in our life, like the surgical team, ever get to see this, touch this, feel the fragile beating of our heart.
Never shut out your surgical team. It is they who hold your heart in their hands. It is they who keep you connected to the universe. It is they who save your life.
And so, as another day goes by, love is like the falling rain in front of me, and …I have written.
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