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April 22nd, 2011 Face and feel my fear….such simple, but powerful words. We all face fear in our lives at one time or another. Fear strikes in many ways. There’s fear of loss, fear of trusting, fear of being alone, fear of looking into our own two eyes,…and the list goes on.
I always feared fear. I would do anything to insulate myself against it. The old thinking of “if I can see it, then it can’t find me” kept me in the constant motion of trying to avoid it. The fear of loss made me anxious and stole who I really was. For the last few years I seemed to have lost my life to fear, as the result of an incident where I was able to prevent a loss so great I couldn’t bear it. This was a good thing at the time, but the repercussions of maybe losing it again in the future, changed who I was.
I finally stood and faced this fear. When I did, things within me began to change. I’m beginning to feel I am getting back a life I can barely remember having before the incident. There is a chasm between the two lives that I am unsure how to reconcile. But as Oprah says on ending her 25 year reign, there is a time for all things to end and change inevitably takes place. This change will put me back together again and bridge the gap, making a new me.
If you have a fear, stop running. Turn around and face it head on. Do what you need to do to steal the power it has over you. Don’t let the fear of anything rule your life by keeping you on the run trying to avoid it. Having the courage to face it will bring only good things and peace to your life.
And so, as another day goes by, I say “hello” to a person I recognize from long ago, and…I have written.
April 21st, 2011 I once spent a whole afternoon chasing the wind. I was only ten at the time, but the movie of that afternoon stills plays clearly in my head. I was in my friend Nancy’s backyard and the wind was strong and gusty that day. Three buildings surrounded her small yard and the wind picked up leaves and swirled them around us so hard we could barely keep them out of our eyes. Then our ten year old minds imagined the wind could pick us up too and carry us in circles. We spent the whole afternoon running in circles with the wind, arms outstretched like birds in hopes they would act like wings and lift us up from the ground. In our childish minds it was an afternoon of hope. I think, for a few fleeting moments, we actually believed our feet left the ground.
But now comes a time when I must “put aside my childish ways” and discover that chasing the wind does not mean hope at all. When grown-ups talk about chasing the wind it means futility. Over the past few days the futility of being a grown-up has crossed my path a couple times with the same message. On Oprah yesterday, there was a famous producer by the name of Shadyac who had realized his Hollywood dreams and amassed an enormous amount of wealth. He talked about moving into his 17 room mansion. He said when the movers left, he stood in the enormous foyer and felt so empty and unhappy. Amassing money and things was like chasing the wind. (He did sell it all and moved into a reasonable two bedroom, two bathroom house and reinvent his life into one more satisfying.)
Then, this morning, I myself woke up thinking about a struggle I’ve been battling with lately. Most days I wake up hopeful that it will work out, but today I felt drained of hope. Just then the weather on tv predicted gusty winds for this afternoon. My first thought was well, there goes my beachwalk. My second thought was to go anyway and chase the wind – I’d be more successful doing that than working out my futile struggle.
After watching the news, I flipped on my kindle and my Bible was left open on it. (I had this idea I’d read the book of Proverbs because age old wisdom is the best kind when looking for answers to matters of the heart.) I noticed I finished Proverbs without getting too much wisdom – just enough to carry me through. The next book was Ecclesiastes. I figured since it was already open, I’d give it a go. It was about a king amassing great amounts of wealth and power, but feeling his efforts were futile and all for naught, as he was empty and unhappy. And yes, you guessed it, he described it two or three times that it was “like chasing the wind” this life, there’s no point to it.
In considering all of this “chasing the wind” business, I can’t help but believe God saved my chasing the wind movie so clearly in my mind all these years for just precisely this moment. I don’t believe God allows our struggles in life to cause us to lose hope in why we live, or to beat us down and wear us out. I used to be of the school that “God tests us”, until one day I got an email from a friend venting about her struggles. At the end she stated so very loudly, “I know, it’s just another test!”. The intensity of her words stuck with me. In my dealings of late with God, I have come to find that although God is a teaching God, He is not a testing God. For me, when I am learning in an environment where there is no final exam, I can relax and embrace that which I am to learn. I find, if maybe we would just stop struggling in our struggles and let God teach us, not test us, maybe “chasing the wind” holds hope instead of futility. I certainly hope that king reinvents his life like the producer did, and discovers that chasing the wind can be hopeful and magical, even if you’re not ten.
And so, as another day goes by, I will take my beachwalk and embrace the wind like I did so long ago, and….I have written.
April 20th, 2011 “The tea ritual: such a precise ritual of the same gestures and the same tastes; accession to simple, authentic and refined sensations; a license given to all, at little cost, to become aristocrats of taste, because tea is the beverage of the wealthy and the poor; the tea ritual, therefore has the extraordinary virtue of introducing into the absurdity of our lives an aperture of serene harmony. Yes, the world may aspire to vacuousness, lost souls mourn beauty, insignificance surrounds us. Then let us drink a cup of tea. Silence descends, one hears the wind outside, autumn leaves rustle and leaves take flight, the cat sleeps in a warm pool of light. And, with each swallow, time is sublimed.”
~ “The Elegance of the Hedgehog” by Muriel Barbery
The ritual of tea – I just like the sound of that. I have a few tea rituals of my own. Tea to be shared with a friend ensuing in warm conversation. Tea on a cold winter afternoon, wrapped in a blanket with a good book. Tea when I’m sick, laced with soothing honey. Morning tea, first thing when I come downstairs, held in my lap as I watch the sunrise. Three o clock tea at a Dunkin Donuts as I check my email and take a break from shopping.
Time is sublimed in all my tea rituals, too. When I am with my tea, all that was pressing on my mind vaporizes, my thoughts quiet and hang in that space between the full cup and the last swallow.
Taking time for tea is a loving thing we can do for ourselves. Sometimes when we’re rendered powerless by life’s circumstances, all we can do is turn inward. There are times that no matter how hard we try, can’t do anything about anything. We can’t change our finances. We can’t make our children live the life we would like them to. We can’t change our employment situation. We can’t get other people to do what we want them to do. We are shackled, stuck. The only thing we can do is give it all to God, make our little cup of tea, and practice a little self-love.
Tea will always makes things better. Better enough that most of the time hope appears by the time we see the bottom of the cup. I’m not sure if it’s the warm liquid, or the time we take to slowly sip the liquid that performs this magic. The ritual of the tea reminds us of the importance of taking care of ourselves during troubled times.
And so, as another day goes by, I can’t wait for the Teavana store to open up in the Cape Cod Mall, and …I have written.
April 19th, 2011 Do you ever wake up without any enthusiasm for the day ahead of you? You know, the kind of morning where getting dressed and out of the house is almost too much work? We all have those mornings – low energy, listless, not hopeful or excited about anything.
These kinds of mornings used to make me fearful that I was falling into some kind of pattern, until I started paying attention to the weather report in a different way. The morning weather used to just be useful to me to let me know what kind of coat to leave the house with. Today something else occurred to me. Today is a cloudy, dark morning, but up above those clouds, the sun is shining brightly. Just because the clouds cover my sky overhead that doesn’t mean the light and heat from the sun are gone. It is the same way with the clouds I wake up with in my mind. My lack of energy today does not change the things I feel and believe. I still have a strong faith in God and a strong love for my family. The light and heat that radiates who I am is still there, behind the unenthusiastic beginning to my day.
I somehow take great comfort in that. Feelings are as fleeting as the clouds. Who we are is like the sun, forever shining behind our present emotions and moods. The clouds will pass , as will our listlessness, but the sun and our person remain steady. The comfort comes in knowing both will pass, and sunlight and energy will return.
And so, as another day goes by, once again Mother Earth teaches and inspires me, and ….I have written.
April 18th, 2011 Over the weekend the wind caused a large tree in front of our kitchen window to split and be caught on the tree next to it. My brother-in-law came over and cut it down. When the tree was severed, part of it crashed down on the paved driveway making a loud cracking sound. I thought that it almost “hurt” to hit that pavement so hard. Another huge chunk hit the grass with a muffled thud, seeming much less painful.
It occurred to me that when the pains we face in life crash into us, wouldn’t it be better to receive our pain like grass instead of like pavement? In time of pain, sadness, and difficulty keeping our heart soft and resilient like the grass can only hasten our healing, as well as let us readily absorb the teachings and lessons brought about by our pain. Keeping our heart as hard as pavement receives the pain of life with a loud cracking. The pain shatters and pieces scatter. The road to healing is prolonged by having to spend time gathering the pieces and sitting among them trying to piece them back together so healing and learning can begin.
In my journey over these past months I have learned this. I know my life holds many more difficult times. Many of them will crash into me without warning, but through daily effort to emulate the grass, I should hope to embrace my pain with a quiet, gentler, spirit rather than have it shatter against a hard, angry heart.
No where in life does a hard, angry heart trump an open one filled with only peace, for it is how we receive our pain that determines our progress toward healing and growth.
And so, as another day goes by, the Earth once again teaches me, and….I have written.
April 17th, 2011 I think trust is the most feared word in the English language. Remember the childhood game of falling backward and trusting someone to catch you? Who would you have trusted to do that? Your best friend or the school bully? Of course you’d trust your best friend. You knew your best friend by history and background. You knew your friend was a good person and could never have just stood there while you fell and watched you get hurt. You and this friend have had fights and disagreements, your friend did crazy things sometimes, but you knew through and through, without a doubt, that friend would never hurt you. The bully, on the other hand, stole your stuff, tripped you when you walked by, and belittled you in front of others. There’s no doubt in your mind you would never have trusted the bully to catch you.
As adults we find it harder to discern the “best friends” from the “bullies”, but the process is essentially the same. When someone close to us hurts us, it’s necessary to look at intention and past history before throwing the proverbial baby out with the bathwater. First consider, would that friend ever hurt us intentionally, like the bully? Would they let us fall to ground?
Next consider, is that friend able to maintain long term, healthy relationships in their own life? This is important if you are trying to decide if someone is inherently a good person. (I’m not insinuating that just because some people can’t have long term relationships, they can’t be basically good people – I would never make that judgment.) I am saying that if a person can manage to maintain healthy long term relationships both in their home and workplace, it is a good indicator that they are inherently a good person, one that can be leaned on, one that can be trusted, one that has a strong faith and their relationships are a testament to their trustworthiness and are a good bet they’d always catch you when you fall.
Sometimes that gap between risk and trust is deep, wide, and frightening. Remember Indiana Jones? When he stepped into that chasm, a bridge he never knew was there appeared below his feet. Consider this, from my morning meditation:
“Center yourself and meditate on a chasm of your own making. It might be a trench of stubbornness or pride that no one can cross, or the echo of your own pain that isolates you, or the vastness that builds when you are afraid to tell someone the truth of your heart, or the absence of faith that what you deserve waits on the other side. Lean into your chasm until the fear subsides. Offer, through your breath, a wordless compassion for yourself and all others in our very human struggle to step with risk, and land with trust.”
I can’t help but feel that everytime we “step with risk and land with trust” it helps solidify our own person and make the next chasm we will inevitably face just little less scary.
And so, as another day goes by, I’m counting on bridges to appear, and ..I have written.
April 16th, 2011 Moving forward in life and forging ahead on a positive path is difficult enough, but if we harbor anger, hold grudges, or allow ourselves to “what if” over events in the past, moving forward is almost impossible. Many times we blame obstacles in front of us for keeping us from reaching our goals, when we are really stumbling over events in the past that we cannot make peace with. This creates blockages in our creativity, restful sleep, productive work, and harmonious relationships.
We all make mistakes, get hurt, do and say things that are outside of our character during a low point, but to keep bludgeoning ourselves for our actions or staying estranged from people we care about, works in our subconscious and holds us back from being all we can be. It’s like trying to run with your shoelaces tied together.
Break free and realize your fullest potential by turning around and facing what is behind you that keeps tripping you up. Find it, pick it up and move it to side of the road by being a bit kinder to yourself or seeking out that person and having a heart to heart. The exuberance, peace, and freedom you will feel will generate the positive energy you are seeking to achieve the great things your future holds.
And so, as another day goes by, I’m attending to those knots in my shoelaces, and…I have written.
April 15th, 2011 Everyday in yoga, when we do our 20 second savasanas, the teacher says, “Heels touch, toes fall open.” She consistently reminds us that our heels must touch. Then, when we are on our stomachs, she says, “Toes touch, heels fall open”. She was very specific about the heels or toes touching in all savasanas. When we do the standing postures, and return to stillness in between each one, she is still very adamant about “heels and toes touching”. I did it, but could never figure out why the “touching” was so important. Couldn’t you just lie or stand in stillness and quiet yourself and breathe without any part of your feet touching? Then, a few days ago she answered my question. After telling us once more “heels must touch, toes fall open” she went on to say that this is a physical signal from our body to our mind to instantly return to this quiet, still, state. That was another Ah..ha moment for me.
Being such a believer in the mind learning from daily physical signals it gets from the body, I suddenly saw how important it was to have a physical signal to give our mind when fear, anxiety, and anger strike in our daily lives. When we are overcome and can’t think straight we need a way to quickly send a signal to our brain to stop and enter stillness. Whether sitting, standing, or lying down, simply touching the heels together will quiet the emotion trying to overtake our brain and cause us to “shoot from the hip” and say and do things that would be best left undone and unsaid. This simple act of “touch” sends a powerful signal to our brain that enables us to control impulses brought on by sudden emotion.
We do 26 postures, each twice, and have to touch our heels and toes together between each one in order to quiet our mind and bring down our heartbeat. In one 90 minute class, we do this 52 times. I go to class 5 days a week, so I practice this 260 times a week. Over the course of 20 weeks, I’ve practiced this “touching” 5200 times and it’s time to try it out. It takes a child 1500 repetitions to learn a skill or concept, so I should have this by now.
And so, as another day goes by, it’s kind of handy to have something that triggers a relaxation response in my back pocket, and ….I have written.
April 14th, 2011 There are a small group of people that you are bonded to, for one reason or another, for life. This you absolutely know and feel in your soul. No matter how bad it gets, you will always be together – no matter what.
“No matter what” are three words that speak volumes. Those three words encompass everything. Really – everything. There will be times the people in this group let you down, betray you, horrify you, hurt you, and pull the very rug out from under you. You cannot have a “no matter what” relationship without these things happening, or there would be no need for those three words. You may even be estranged for a time, while God heals, but the feeling of “no matter what” is still at the bottom of it all – like a safety net holding your friendship.
I’ve always heard it said, “Life is too short. Make amends now and don’t waste anymore time.”. That’s a nice thought, and sometimes true, but there are times when God needs time and room to work. The people closest to us are the people we rub edges with most often. After a time, the sharp edges that used to fit us together like a puzzle, become dull, broken, and pitted. We no longer mesh tightly. When we no longer fit, God will step in and separate us. We will think, pray, and mediate our way through pain, tears, and sadness, becoming sharper in our vision. When the time is right He will put us back together, with new edges, fitting perfectly, making an entirely different picture than the worn out, ill-fitting one.
My husband is one of the “no matter whaters” in my life. Over the course of 35 years we have come through many “sharpenings”. Our friendship, though tested, was always different, better, and stronger after the pain and tears, and we were both better people because of it.
To some, “life is short” and immediate action makes sense. To me, life is real and the growth and lessons that make us better people cannot be hurried. That, in itself, was a tough lesson for me to learn.
And so, as another day goes by, I give gratitude for all the “no matter whaters” in my life, and…I have written.
April 13th, 2011 In yoga, so many poses involve forward and backward bends requiring us to place our head below our heart. One of the physical benefits of doing this for me has been the disappearance of sinus and allergy problems. Every time my head is inverted I actually feel the breaking up and draining of my sinuses. This spring I am not using a nettie pot or going to the doctor to get an inhaler like I was last spring.
The breaking and draining of awful things out of the head not only occurs physically, but spiritually as well. When we place our head below our heart for just a few seconds a day, the ego, that resides in our mind, slowly drains away along with the sinus problems. Our heart is elevated toward the sun, open to all God and the universe has to offer us without the ego getting in the way. After 6 months of consistent yoga practice, I can honestly say I have been blessed with new things in my life that call for more heart and less ego. Things that call for stepping back, being quiet, letting others who know more go ahead, listening, thinking, and slowly changing who I am in the face of humility. This was said beautifully in my morning meditation:
“This holds a powerful lesson – time and time again the head must be brought below the heart or the ego swells. If you do not bend, life will bend you. In this way, humility is accepting your head belongs below your heart, with your thinking subordinate to your feeling, with your will subordinate to the higher order. This acceptance is key to receiving grace.”
Each day:
1. Sit quietly on your knees and as you breathe, incline forward.
2. Breathe deeply and as you exhale, bring your head below your heart while extending your arms behind you or in front of you.
3. After a time, if you can, bring your head to touch the floor and offer thanks for being humbled.
I think, as a teacher of young children, deeper learning takes place when all the senses are involved, including incorporating body movements along with thought. Hence, yoga, it appears, is kindergarten for adults. When the mind and body are engaged, the spirit is touched and words of prayer and thought are knitted within us, rather than falling around us. Each day, lay your head down and watch your world open to joys you never imagine existed when there is room in the heart for spiritual growth.
And so, as another day goes by, I touch my forehead to the floor yet another time, and ….I have written.
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