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April 1st, 2011 Today a close friend shared a meditation on faith with me. The idea that faith is active, not passive, resonated within me. I often thought of people having faith, not doing faith. But today I realized you can’t just decide to have faith in God, your family, and friends and your done – you have faith. Faith is like marriage. You first have to actively decide to have it, then work daily to maintain it.
This struck a chord with me due to the recent development of my own mantra. The day I formed my mantra I decided that that was what I was going to live by each day. But I soon found out that just by forming it and deciding to live by it, it wasn’t going to change the way I live my life if I don’t repeat it many times a day whenever anxiety, stress, or fear rear their ugly heads. I have to think it, say it, and see it if I’m going to continue to feel it and have it make a real difference. As soon as “the fear” strikes and tries to take over my thoughts, I have to stop and picture myself standing in mountain pose, shoulders back, face and heart turned upward toward the sun, arms by my side, palms face forward, and see in my mind the spirit enter my head, move down through my body, and out to the world as I say “just be the vehicle for the spirit”.
So…how is that working for me? Quite well, actually. When I get that notion in my head that I should act out of fear and anxiety, that picture and thought immediately settle me inside, stop me from “doing something”, and actually make me feel relief that I don’t have to “do” anything but trust the spirit to work through me. As a result, I am becoming better at discerning what is something I really should do, as opposed to what is a knee-jerk reaction to fear. Things that I really should do are brought to me by someone or something that crosses my path and I feel inspired about. Reactions to fear are actions born out of my frenetic mind and by releasing control to the spirit, are quickly discarded.
It used to be said that “faith without works is dead”, but I think it should be “faith without work, is dead” because faith is definitely something that has to be worked on constantly.
And so, as another day goes by, I’m thankful for sharing friends, and….I have written.
March 31st, 2011 Most days are fraught with thinking and a knashing mind, and/or places to go crowded in with people to see. Then, once in a great while, like a holiday, comes a simple day. It dawns bright and clear right smack in the middle of an ordinary week, making the week extraordinary. You wake up peaceful – no alarm needed. Coffee pot works effortlessly. You meditate with a calm mind. The day slides by without fears, heartbreak, and anxieties creeping in. I was surprised by this kind of a day today.
At first, I was a little anxious having to miss yoga in order to get to Boston, then NY ahead of the impending snowstorm. My schedule was upended by the weather at the last minute. Usually this would cause undue anxiety. Today it was just, “Oh well, let’s just go with it”. Now I know I made the right decision not to take part in the yoga spring challenge. Just “being the vehicle for the spirit” is so much easier than obsessing and trying to shape things I cannot change. Today my daughter absolutely had to get to NY for a wedding she is in and was depending on me to get her there. We had to work around the storm. By relaxing and taking everything as it comes, including Boston traffic, made it a very “simple day”. I drove to Boston and got there early. Was rewarded with a little Dunkin Donuts time to catch up on all my emails (now I belong to all these groups, I have email to actually manage). Then I picked her up and we sailed to NY hassle free. We only stopped once, then made the three hour trip with no radio or music on. We talked and shared about our lives all the way home. Upon arriving, my husband took us out to dinner. Another 2 hours of catching up on our lives.
A plain, simple, uncomplicated day spent connecting to loved ones. Tonight my heart sits quiet and peaceful and thankful – more so than it has been in years. Through a “simple” day like today I found a person that has been lost for quite awhile. Stolen by the demands of others. I’m coming home to myself again. This simple day was significant for me. If such a day crosses your path, embrace and appreciate whatever it is trying to say to you.
And so, as another day goes by, I know I am just in rejuvenation for the next round, and ….I have written.
March 30th, 2011 It never ceases to amaze me how well we know ourselves, use that knowledge to make decisions about what’s right for us, and, later at some other time, have our decisions validated.
Yesterday in our yoga class a new spring challenge was being announced. It included 5 classes a week for 5 weeks in addition to three other categories of things you had to pick two out of each category to do in the 5 weeks. All three categories amounted to a list of about 15 things. They included great things like get a massage, give up things like tv or caffeine for a week, etc. The teacher explained each part as we lay in savasana Immediately I was contemplating whether to do it or not. So far I have not entered into any of the challenges. I decided that I needed to stick to my original decision of not taking part in any challenges because it would put pressure on my one place of peace.
After class everyone was excited and taking the sheets to sign up. The teacher asked if I was doing it and I told her no, I really need to design my own challenge in the other direction. She said but you already do most of this stuff, including coming to class everyday. I said if I signed up for this, it would totally take over my life. I would take that and run with it. She laughed and I said as I was leaving, this is my place of no pressure and I have to keep it that way.
Later on, while driving, I was still wondering if I wasn’t making the wrong decision by not taking part in the challenge. Will I feel left out of the camaraderie of the group? No, I would still join in that by cheering on my friends and help them anyway I could achieve their personal goals. I let the thought go for the rest of the day.
This morning, the thought of doing the challenge resurfaced. I had an idea. I would take a sheet today and bring it home and maybe just log onto it the things I do naturally without even trying. Then I remembered something the teacher said while explaining the program. She said maybe you want to circle all 15 things and do them all. And of course, that would be the thing I would do. Try to do them all. I can’t ever do anything half-way. Now I know I made the right decision to stay completely away from this spring challenge. Not taking that sheet and signing up is MY challenge. Striving to keep the balance and peace my yoga practice has brought to my life is my spring renewal goal. My yoga practice is not a sport, is free of rules, and I need to keep it that way. It is the thing I can approach each morning without placing any expectations on myself and give myself the freedom to just go to class and “see what happens”. This has been a tremendous challenge for me since fall, and I have finally found solace and joy in this place. It has just, in these past two weeks, transitioned itself into the rest of my life.
My mantra is “just be a vehicle for the spirit”, where I picture myself as an empty car, and I do no driving of any kind. I just stand here, arms by my side, and let the spirit and universe work. It’s absolutely amazing the new things and people that have entered my life as soon as I put down the gloves, stopped pushing and fighting, and became an empty car with no GPS. Just since March I had the unexpected Florida trip with my family, a close friend from Buffalo who I haven’t seen in years, decide to come visit me, a book club born out of my yoga friends, being asked to help head up a bloggers group for cape cod writers, being lucky enough to find a writing group to work with on my writing, that Fire Within workshop that sparked this group, another close friend coming to spend the weekend to attend a workshop “A Day for Unfinished Women” being held here in my town by a best-selling local author, and just yesterday, tickets for the home opener of a Red Sox game. The surprises just keep flowing in. As soon as I gave up all control of trying to shape my life and the people in it, God flooded it with more blessings than I could’ve ever concocted on my own. I even pray differently. Not only with more gratitude, but with less “please please God”. I am less of a a beggar to my higher power. Prayer has become a two way conversation talking very specifically about the people in my life, instead of “hey God, have I got a deal for you”.
My mom used to wear Obsession, the perfume. After she passed away, I kept a small bottle of hers. Think I’ll spritz a little on today as I leave for my writers group.
And so, as another day goes by, maybe it is about the perfume, and…I have written.
March 29th, 2011 “We often give up the right to renewal to accommodate the anxieties of those around us.”
“Unfortunately, there is no escaping this underside of growth. So it is not surprising that there are many feelings peculiar to human beings that prevent us from shedding that which has ceased to work, including fear, pride, nostalgia, a comfort in the familiar, and a want to please those we love.” ~ The Awakening
Over time, who we are (or once were) can get eroded when we unknowingly spend our days giving pieces of ourselves away until there’s almost nothing left. We don’t realize it until months, even years, go by and we are a walking time bomb. Then the inevitable happens, and a great watershed washes over us and we are forever changed. Watersheds are the way of the universe telling us to stop and take care of ourselves first. We must take time to shed those old, ill-fitting skins and pay attention to getting used to our new ones, despite resistance from around us.
The Melanesians contend that this is how we lost our immortality. It was believed that human beings lived forever by shedding old skins for new, younger ones underneath, until one day an old woman left her child at home and went to the river to shed her old skin. She stood on the bank and pulled her old skin over her head and threw it in the water. She noticed it snagged on a stick. She turned and went home. When she arrived her child started crying. He didn’t recognize her new, younger self. He refused to stop crying, so the woman went back to the river and retrieved her old skin and put it back on to please her child. From that time on, human beings stopped shedding their skins and died.
I once knew a family that had two beautiful children. The mom was not well and was told not to have anymore children, or she won’t be around for the two she has. But this mom loved her children so much, she had to have one more. She was warned that this had to be her last child. She would never survive another birth. Her health continued to waver, but she loved being a mom so much, she went ahead and had a fourth child. I was absolutely dismayed by this. I had all three children in class and spent eight years with this family. I remember the day this mom brought the newborn to school and stood on the steps saying to me, “This is the last one, now I have two of each. I’m happy.” Two years later she passed away leaving a 12 year old girl to face high school without her mom, as well as three younger siblings without her there to be the amazing, loving mom I had come to know over the years. The heartbreak of this family, that maybe didn’t have to be, left a mark on my heart.
There comes a time when we must “put the oxygen mask on first”. This is not selfish. It’s self-preservation. It keeps us around to be there for those we love.
And so, as another day goes by, spring is a great time for renewal, and …I have written.
March 28th, 2011 Powerful words from a powerful song sung by a powerful voice! I said it before and I’ll say it again, if you haven’t gotten Adele 21 and put on some earbuds and taken a walk with this chic, your missing something. Especially if you’ve been cut to the quick and brought to your knees by love – not only man/woman love, but friend/friend, parent/child, sibling/sibling – this cd will let you bleed and say it and feel it like it is. Adele and I have spent many an afternoon walking down Ploughed Neck Road to get coffee and a lotto quick pick. I found such solace and understanding in this album. Simon Cowel found a true gem in this gal.
And, it’s not only the lyrics, but the melodies are soooo good. The arrangement of the tunes lead you up and down, from one to the next in in a powerful crescendo. Take It All, One and Only (if her voice in this song doesn’t reach in and grab you, nothing will), Someone Like You, and I Found A Boy are just a few of my favs, in addition to Set Fire To the Rain. Adele is a very talented artist with a strong voice that speaks right into the depth of my heart. There are only a very few over the years that have moved me this way. They are: Jane Olivor, Reba McIntire, Martina McBride, Janis Joplin, and Dilana. Now Adele takes her rightful place along side these, my personal divas. As you can see it takes alot to get on MY list – Jane sings cabernet, Reba and Martina are country, Janis and Dilana are rock, and Adele is contemporary rock – I am prisoner to no genre – the only qualification for my list is the artist has to “hit my heart”. Even Madonna and Gaga, as much I enjoy their music, didn’t ever hit me like these gals, so go out and get Adele 21. (And if you haven’t downloaded Dilana’s Inside Out yet, get that too, and take a walk with this diva) I promise you won’t be disappointed with either of these gals.
And so, as another day goes by, life without music is a mistake, and …I have written.
March 27th, 2011 Joy in patience? Are you kidding me? Patience means being still, waiting, practicing silence, slowing down…being a type A, I fail to see the joy in this. It’s terribly inconvenient to be patient. Unless….you know, being a type A IS exhausting …both to me and those around me….so, maybe, if I look hard enough, I can find some joy in patience.
I am, by nature, a “fixer” in time of conflict and trouble. I’ve always been listened to and given the courtesy of presenting “my side” when in conflict, even if I’m wrong – being given the chance to apologize and accept responsibility for my actions, is always better than harboring troubles. Being an educator for many years, managing conflict and helping children learn to manage troubled times, was a part of my job everyday. I have always thought and taught that teaching children to talk and “use their words” was one of the most important skills I could help them achieve. Being able to discuss one’s faults and shortcomings and resolve conflict is important to forging healthy, longterm relationships for life. Building a panacea out of discovering that relationships deepen as a result of resolving conflicts, leads to a truly settled life.
But there would always be the one child, every year, that would resist and, due to lack of adequate language or emotional development, end up in continual conflict and eventual isolation from the other children. It would take tremendous patience each day to not blame this child for what he/she does not know, and try to model this to the other children to motivate them to “keep trying” with this child. Sometimes it would take months before the slightest little gain was made, but when that step was taken, my heart would burst, and there it was – joy in patience.
I can’t help being a “fixer” by nature, but I can remember that sometimes the “fixing” happens slowly and incrementally over a period of time, and I can take advantage of the quieting and slowing down that patience requires when it is our only recourse. This is hard for me, though, because I can’t harbor resentment, hold a grudge, or punish people. As a teacher, I don’t believe in punishment. Punishment never taught anyone anything but to be a “punisher” in return – an abuser. Talking and reasoning within the confines of love results in a peaceful life, and I don’t know about you, but a peaceful life over one fraught with conflict and abuse just sounds like the better road to me, and one I always wanted for my students.
I not only lived this in school, but at home in my own family life. Thirty five years of patience, learning along with my children and husband, to come together and settle our differences, instead of carrying anger that could injure our love for each other, has resulted in a family bond impossible to break today. Below is a photo of a text I got from my 29 year old daughter this morning during a discussion we were having. It moved me to tears.
I guess I have found the true joy in patience.
And so, as another day goes by, I find patience is a gift – not an inconvenience, and…I have written.
March 26th, 2011 At various times in my totally wonderful life, hurricanes would blow in and consume me. Each time this happened, I was sent on yet another spiritual quest inward. The first part of the hurricane would devastate me. Cause me to resist, fight, try with all my might to turn back and get out of it. Then suddenly it would drop me from it’s clutches, wet, cold, and physically spent. As I’d lift my head, not believing that the wind had stopped, I’d foolishly think, “Ah, it’s over”. As I’d wobbly try to stand up and look around me, I’d discover that the wind and rain were still raging, this time all around me. After weathering numerous hurricanes throughout the years, I now know that I was standing in the eye of the storm. It was not over. I still had to weather another whole side of it as it begins to pull out to sea. The eye is not only a respite from the storm, it is a place where changes within the soul take place and a new direction is found. I think the abrupt peace the eye thrusts upon you, causes a shift of power and energy deep within. As a result of the shift, you come to know that it’s time to quiet and stop fighting to get out. Take the quiet that the eye offers, lie down and rest, dry off, regain strength, and with this strength, gain wisdom.
It was in the eye of such a hurricane my own personal mantra was formed. I liked the concept of having a mantra you can quickly grab onto in time of trouble, but up until now, I always had to borrow mantras provided by others and consequently they were never the same or consistent over the years. This meant the mantra lesson was never quite learned because when trouble struck, I couldn’t remember the last mantra and was once again adrift at sea. I’d always get a “new” mantra from somewhere after the damage was done, and while it helped heal me, it would soon leave me because it was never really my own to begin with. Time in the last eye of the storm brought my own mantra. One that, because it was born in my own soul, will remain with me forever, and will jump out unconsciously in time of strife. My mantra is: “Be a vehicle for the spirit”. Just as in the eye of the storm, lie still inside and do just that – be a vehicle for the spirit. Stop fighting. Let the spirit calm and direct my way. Realizing the storm is not yet over, I wear my mantra as a slicker and prepare to walk steadily out the other side as the hurricane passes out to sea.
And so, as another day goes by, an old song says “a little somethin’ against the wind”, and….I have written.
March 25th, 2011 …which I actually did in telling my husband about my day today….
“Today WAS a changing day in my life”. A few days ago I wrote about the book “The Secret”. I mentioned I was a little uncomfortable with the way the concept was presented, and then read Lisa Love’s “Beyond the Secret…spirituality and the law of attraction”. This read was truly a life changing treasure. I finished the book two days ago, but the power of it’s words struck today. In this book I learned about two powerful, life-changing strategies: gratitude for what you have and being custodial with that which you are given.
I have spent the first two years of my retirement emotionally blocked from truly enjoying this life which I have been given. I walked around anxious and scared, waiting for the “other shoe to drop” because I have been given such blessings. I have a beautiful home, the gift of being able to retire at a relatively young age, enough money so I don’t have to work, all the free time to pursue my dream of “being a writer on Cape Cod”, the ocean at my doorstep, perfect health, the most sensitive, loving, understanding husband in the world, two amazing, beautiful, successful daughters that are my very best friends, an absolutely amazing extended family, a career that I can be proud of looking back on, a serene life here in my idyllic cape town filled with such positive, successful, inspirational, artistic people I met through the Cape Cod Writers Center and my yoga class, my beautiful and inspiring hospice family, and I could go on and on…. Despite a hurricane or two, I am a very lucky woman.
But what do I do? Agonize everyday how I have it too good. Tell myself I don’t deserve this. I can’t relax and appreciate and enjoy what I have been given. This thinking actually made living my life a “chore” because I felt I had to DO something to deserve this. No one gets a perfect life like this. There’s too many unfortunate people suffering in this world for me too have this much. I was blocked. Blocked from being able to feel daily joy in my days. I could see it, but I couldn’t feel it. The frustration was building.
Then I read Lisa Love’s book and found freedom. I have learned to walk through my day giving thanks for each thing I cross in it. When my feet hit the floor in the morning I utter two words as they hit, “thank”….”you”. Learning gratitude has let me feel deep and tremendous appreciation for the life God has given me. Saying “thank you” for my car, my driveway, my garage door as I lifted it this morning, suddenly released the block in a flood of emotion. I actually “felt” the gratitude instead of just hearing the words in my mind. It was suddenly “okay” for me to love my home and car and driveway.
Lately my thinking has led me to flirt with depression by losing interest and not taking care of necessary daily maintenance and upkeep of what I have been blessed with. My car, house, and yard need the attention I didn’t have the energy to give, because I was so ridden with anxiety. But in Lisa’s book I learned about being custodial. I learned that it’s okay to accept God’s blessings without guilt, but I have a responsibility to lovingly care for everything He gives me. The thought of lovingly caring for each thing I’m blessed with gave me tremendous freedom to feel the gratitude and fully enjoy all I’ve been given…..freeing me to focus on what God has planned for me on this next phase of life.
Tonight I give gratitude for you, all my loyal readers, who walk this writer’s road with me daily, as I meander through thoughts, ideas, and teachings, much like beautiful route 6A follows the coast along the cape. Just as I appreciate the King’s Highway as I drive to the yoga studio each morning, I appreciate all your comments and letters that provoke my mind to further contemplate the mysteries of this life we live. Maybe all richness you give me will add up to a great book someday.
And so, as another day goes by, Dr. Phil speaks the truth, and ….I have written.
March 25th, 2011 *blog for 3/24 – written last night, but there were too many dvr’d shows when I got home to allow for editing and publishing. 🙂
A book club was born in my yoga class – we’d sit on our mats before class and discuss our current reads, then someone said, “We should have a book club.” And voila ~ here we are. We had our first meeting last month after reading The Poser.
This month our book club read Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet by Jamie Ford. ” This novel explores the age old conflict of father and son, the beauty and sadness of what happened to Japenese Americans in the Seattle area during WW II, and the depths and longing of heartfelt love.” ~ Lisa Love, author.
We met tonight to talk about the book and realized how in many of the books we read, the parents of the characters are manifested in their children. This sparked a discussion of each of our own histories, and how our own parents influenced who we are. It was not only wonderful to be in the company of such positive, enlightening women, but it was great to learn about each others families, too. Sitting around the table, it was just like an episode of “The Talk”. Then the question was posed – are we like our parents in parenting our own children, or did we learn from our parents all the things we don’t want to do in our own parenting? A thought we took home with us, as we said goodbye to our hostess and planned next month’s read. If you want to read along with us, we are going to read The Elegance of the Hedgehog by Muriel Barbery and we’ll be meeting on the fourth Thursday of the month.
Great wine and food, lovely home with fireplace, 4 intelligent well-read women who are also fellow yogis, a great read, engaging discussion, and points to take home to ponder – I couldn’t have asked for a better “girls night out”.
And so, as another day goes by, I’m ending it with gratitude for these awesome women I’ve come to know, and ….I have written.
March 23rd, 2011 You find silence in some odd places. On Monday I went to a silent Bikram yoga class. The teacher only told the pose and when to begin, then she’d say 5 seconds, and then release. She played cool music the whole time. It was a very unique experience from what I am used to. At first, the music distracted me, especially in the first few balance poses, and I kept falling out of poses I usually hold the whole time. Once we were four poses into it though, I really began to enjoy the music and really appreciated not having the driving dialogue. It was a very relaxing class and I think if we had one in my home studio, I probably would like it at night, once a week. I do think the rest of the week I need the dialogue, because each day is different and I still, after 23 weeks, continually learn new things and go further into the poses due to some little thing the instructor says in the dialogue.
It was nice being back in my home studio today, after being away for 2 weeks. It was good to see my fellow yogis and they kept my spot “warm” for me. I really appreciate our pink and white cape cod studio with it’s big windows, after being in huge, dark studios with no windows. It felt good to be home.
And so, as another day goes by, silence once again enhances my life, and….I have written.
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