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March 22nd, 2011 For two days now, the word forgiveness has been floating around my world, banging to get in. I have a friend who is being held prisoner by this word, and it pains me to see all this person is missing out of life by not being able to break out of this prison.
When a person can’t forgive and repair their relationships, they walk through life discarding their valuables like gum wrappers. Then, every night when they get home, they have nothing inside that really really matters. A person unable to forgive and be tolerant of their loved ones mistakes can never attain a relationship that’s deep and permanent. They can never give and receive love wholly and completely. They will live in a constant state of superficial friendships, protecting themselves from getting hurt, but, deep down, being so so alone and a victim of their prison.
It’s easy to say “I’m not a victim”, but it’s another to break the steel bands constricting your heart and put yourself out there and forgive and forge your way back to trusting that person you love so much. This takes more courage than facing physical death. But without attaining the power to forgive, a tiny lonely circle will always surround the vortex of where you live deep inside your soul. It’s easy speed up your life, surround yourself with a million people – keep running from that which is real, that which you are afraid of. It’s hard to go back to what’s real. And isn’t it a fact of life that anything real and valuable is hard? Without the power of forgiveness, you will remain empty deep inside, where it really counts.
Forgiveness is liberating. Forgiveness is freedom. Forgiveness is the key to a “no matter what” relationship. But forgiveness takes time and patience. Don’t hurry it along. Take time to explore this new kind of freedom. Try it on a few times before talking to the other person. Wear it. Feel it like a new skin. Imagine what it would be like to own it’s power, for to possess the power to forgive, is to possess the power to change your life in a truly magnificent way.
I know in my own life, if I didn’t possess the power of forgiveness, a 35 year marriage and secure, happy children, would not have been possible. It’s ridiculous to think that in 35 years my children or my husband had never let me down. Ironically, it was the “letting down” and forgiving that built these relationships, not damaged them. But without the power of forgiveness irreparable damage would have been done, and I would be alone today. Don’t underestimate the power of forgiveness.
The power to forgive builds and enriches the lives of everyone in your life. Do whatever you can to attain this power.
And so, as another day goes by, real love resides in forgiveness, and…I have written.
March 21st, 2011 I just finished the book, The Secret by Rhonda Byrnes. As I started reading it a few days ago, I was really excited about it’s message of the law of attraction. All the presenters, including one of my favorite authors, Lisa Nichols, were really convincing and inspiring. Now, after having finished the book last week and having some time to think about this “secret”, I was bothered by all the examples of asking for wealth for no other reason than to be rich and have a lot of toys. It seemed a little ego oriented.
Then I thought more about the concept, went back and read parts over, thought back on how things were brought about about in my own life over the years, and made one fantastic discovery when I said to my husband, “You should read this book. It’s how I lived my life. It’s why I’m married to you.”
My fantastic discovery? “The Secret” is just PRAYER in action. It’s not called prayer because of the ego orientation. People who pray, using the tools taught in the book, rarely ever pray for something that doesn’t benefit someone else or make themselves a better person. I can’t see myself praying for a million dollars unless I was going to use it to build something to help the unfortunateness all around us today. When it came to money, all my life I just asked God for “just enough” for the few things I wanted to do for my family in my small life. And, according to the book, that’s exactly what I got.
When I tell people I had my life planned out from 9 years old, they can’t believe it, but I’ve always prayed and visualized my future job, spouse, home, children, education, money, etc. And just what I asked for by praying and visualizing and believing, was just what I got.
There is a second book out to The Secret called The Power. I immediately went to my kindle to find it, and just below it was a book that I intrigued me more, called Beyond the Secret by Lisa Love. Just what I was looking for – a book that explores “the secret” in a spiritual realm – hence – prayer. I am anxious to begin this book and see where it goes.
The Secret, the law of attraction, or prayer, it all works – just be careful what you ask for ….many times it doesn’t work out like you thought it would after you received it. Be judicious in your motives and intentions.
And so, as another day goes by, maybe the secret is that it’s really a SNOWY day in NY just made for reading, and….I have written.
March 20th, 2011 From one of my favorite authors, Melody Beattie:
“Our strength will continue if we allow ourselves the courage to feel scared, weak, and vulnerable.”
I want to add: …and don’t shut out or try to stop these feelings, for if we never venture into the depths of these weaknesses, we will never know true strength.
Another favorite author of mine, Mark Nepo, writes:
The above “defines weakness as any habit of our mind that prevents us from seeing things exactly as they are or in their entirety, or with our entire capacity to feel. These are the blindness that keeps us from oneness, truth, and compassion.
We are all frail. We all make mistakes. We all fall prey to a thousand emotions or exaggerations. But these things make us rich, not weak, if we are willing to face them squarely. In truth, it is not the tissue of our humanity that defeats us, but rather our refusal to accept who we are, and live accordingly, limitations included.
Underneath it all, this blindness, in it’s many recurring forms, is the cause of most cruelty. For it is during those moments, when we think we see things so clearly, that we break things that are irreplaceable, not even realizing they were so precious.
After breaking many things in my life, hearts, heirlooms, robin’s eggs – I am humbled to admit that the only difference I see here on Earth between being strong or weak is the honesty with which we face ourselves, accept ourselves, share ourselves, blemishes and all.”
This little story in my morning reading really hit home. I have been here, as I’m sure you have too. And if you haven’t yet in your young life, take this and keep it for when your turn comes, cause it inevitably will.
I have decided to face my weaknesses squarely, and accept myself, blemishes and all. This self love and acceptance is a wonderful thing, but there is something else even more wonderful. When you have people in your life that accept you and love you despite your blemishes, forgive you for your mistakes, and trust always your intentions were never to hurt when you have an altercation. To have people in your life where this acceptance is mutual, never questioned, even through the worst of storms – ahh this, this is the crux of PERMANENT relationships. These permanent relationships are where you live, where you get your energy, where you get to love and be loved in return, without question.
But of course, there is a price to have permanent relationships in your life. You must be able to argue, disagree, hurt each other from time to time, but always come back to forgiving and letting the storms your relationship will weather, bring you closer, not destroy you.
If you are able to let NOTHING crack the trust, you have found strength in it’s finest and every relationship you ever have will be richer and add to your life.
And so, as another day goes by, I give thanks for the permanent relationships in my life and for my ability to accept myself, as well as those I love, blemishes and all, and….I have written.
March 19th, 2011 Yesterday, our last real vacation day was once again spent shopping and at the beach with my sis, and now we are at the Charlotte airport half way home.
This whole week has been spent hanging languidly “in the space between two thoughts”. I watched myself in wonderment as I spent time with family and went back in time to a place visited so long ago. In the beginning of the week I had such a feeling we were from such different worlds, but today I marveled at just how much my cousin and I did have in common and admired how my 77 year old aunt conducts her life alone in her beautiful Florida home. Living alone all week myself, she was a true inspiration as to “how it’s done”. I should’ve visited her sooner after I retired. Her house is immaculate and she is always busy with friends and family and volunteering.
My 79 year old dad was also an inspiration. He traveled both the airports and golf courses with amazing stamina that I can only hope to have in twenty years.
My aunt’s home, pool, and food were exquisite. The way she took care of us all let me in on some characteristics of my ancestry. I come from a long line of caretakers. It gives us great pleasure to take care of our loved ones, and this week she was the best. (Thanks, Auntie, if you’re reading this! We love you!)
And so, as another day goes by, my pool chairs stand empty til next year, my plane has landed in New York, and …I have written. Below: Me, my Dad, my Auntie, and my sister’s husband
March 17th, 2011 Began reading “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne today about the way our thinking shapes our destiny. It’s based on the time honored principal that “what you think about, you bring about”. This is supposed be some kind of secret weapon, once mastered, we can use to shape our entire life. I have only just entered the first few pages, but one piece of advice I can offer you so far is this: make your last thoughts before you fall asleep good ones – it makes a difference.
And so, as another day goes by in sunny Ft Walton Beach, I am enjoying wine and an interesting read poolside before dinner, and ….I have written.
March 17th, 2011 Need I say more? A good day for “no words”…..and so, as another day goes by, spent with my sis and her hubby on Ft Walton Beach, and….I have written.
March 16th, 2011 Day four was just for my sis and I. We ventured to Destin Commons and had a great time. Bought shoes and souvenirs for the kids, had a great lunch, and navigated our way to and from the island without mishap. When we came home, we had a quiet time out at the pool and Aunt Charlotte took us out for a great dinner. Now, all full and pleasantly tired, time to settle down in front of the TV for Glee. The nice thing about this part of Florida is every tv show is an hour earlier and the news comes on at ten, not eleven, so I get to go to bed at a reasonable hour.
Just a another lovely day in paradise, not thinking about any one thought in particular, and…..I have written.
March 14th, 2011 Just a quiet, peaceful day by the pool, a little walk around the neighborhood, dinner with friends and family…just an idyllic vacation day!
And so, as another day goes by, I finally found that “space between two thoughts”, and….I have written.
March 13th, 2011 Day one started out at 3 am. Up and waiting for my sister and her husband to arrive at 5am to pick up Dad and me and head to Albany airport to begin our week long adventure to visit my aunt in Ft Walton Beach Florida. When they arrived it was eerily dark outside, 30 degrees, and of, course as has been the case in upstate NY – snowing. Needless to say, we were all very anxious to leave that behind.
We arrived at the airport in plenty of time for our flight, had a light breakfast there, and boarded our plane. Since I signed up for this trip last minute, I sat apart from my sister, her husband and my dad. For the first time I had a middle seat and was not thrilled with that idea, but when I got to the seat, it was with another couple and they offered me the window seat so she could sleep on his shoulder instead of mine. That immediately set my trip off on a high note. It turned out I was as tired as my seatmate and was asleep before we were taxiing down the tarmac.
About an hour later I woke up and heard this laughter from somewhere up front. It turned out my sister and her hubby had gotten into the margaritas and she was now the loudest one on the plane.
We promptly landed in Charlotte for our 3 hour layover. We had lunch and wine at a sports bar, then my sister and I spent a lovely hour in some wonderful rockers, chatting, enjoying warm sunshine, and watching the comings and goings of the planes outside.
At about 1:45 we boarded our plane to Ft Walton Beach. Again, I was seated away from my family, this time with a very sick woman who just got in from Israel. I fed her Halls cough drops, and promptly fell asleep once again. We arrived in beautiful Ft Walton Beach about 3pm. My Aunt Charlotte and cousin Diane met us at the airport. I hadn’t seen Diane since we were both in high school, so I was so looking forward to time with her.
We drove back to my Aunt’s house and it was like a trip back in time for me. The last time I was down here to visit her I was 9 years old. As we had dinner and wine along side her lovely pool and talked well into what I felt like was the night (it was only 9pm), I gradually relaxed and began to let the feelings of being here again after so long, set in. I went to sleep in a comfortable room, with such a feeling of a sense of family and love quietly holding me. Day one of my adventure was pleasantly retired.
March 11th, 2011 Today I read something that posed an interesting question: What is your source of light? When an artist begins a drawing, he first identifies his source of light because it affects the depth, shading, and every other step of the picture. Sometimes, like the artist, in life we need to step back and identify our source of light.
I stood back and looked at “what drives me”? What do I seek? In every situation I found it was approval. I wanted the approval of first my parents, then my teachers, then my friends, and eventually my spouse and children. What is it about approval that drives us? It’s like a drug. It’s makes you feel good, and then you just want more, until you can’t have a part of your life that isn’t driven by it. You learn to look for approval in everything you do, buy, watch, listen to, hang with, eat, wear, – until your personal style depends on approval. It causes struggle, confusion, and it gets exhausting always trying to please and be accepted. Yes, this was myself I recognized here. Trying to tell myself things like: please yourself instead of everyone else and do what you want to do and if people don’t like it, tough. That never worked for me. Approval always won out.
Now, I figured out that if approval is your source of light, it’s where you get your energy and direction, and if it’s from people, you will always be be in a constant state of stress, struggle, and indecision, and eventually – exhaustion. For me, I have had to shift my source of light back to God. A little closer walk with my maker changes things dramatically. The way I look at myself and deal with others takes on a different color. When it became more important to me what people wanted me to do, instead of asking God what I should do, is where I lost my way. Over the past year, dealing with loss, I looked to people for support. What I found was other people can’t carry your burdens – they have their own. Only God is strong enough to shoulder it and point you in the right direction. Going into a tailspin and cycling out of control due to grabbing at people for help and support left me in a far worse place than if I had kept my focus on God. I now ask myself, why would you depend on people, who have just as much baggage as you do, and not go to the one who knows all, and sees all, including the future? Seems kind of simple in hindsight.
And so, as another day goes by, it’s important to identify your source of light, and….I have written.
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