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February 27th, 2011 My sister and her husband are taking my dad on a trip to Florida in a couple weeks so he can see his sister. Though they planned this trip months ago, it just dawned on me yesterday – how come I’m not going with them? Before I retired, I often thought how great it’s going to be to have a free schedule to do things such as this. When I told my sister, she was ready to beat me over the head to remind me I’m retired. When I told my husband, he said, “Here’s my credit card. Go look at flights.” I was awed by the idea that I could actually do this.
I began to get excited and started my flight search, with a $300 price tag in my head. Reality showed me $550. Searching the $500 range lead me to see that the times for those flights wouldn’t coincide with rides to and from airports with my sister. The next step was to try to get on their flight. Now we were talking $653. After taxes and fees, the total cost was up to $707. Then when I went to pick seats, they were in short supply, so now for one of the flights I had to pay $15 more dollars for one of the last two seats on the plane. Since I purchased non-refundable tickets, I had to pay $25 more dollars for ticket protect insurance, just in case I break something or get sick and cannot go on the trip. Hit the payment button and final cost was now $741. I entered the credit card info and sat and stared at the screen for a few minutes. I really did not want to spend that much right now, but something wouldn’t let me hit the cancel button. I realized this was a unique opportunity for a trip with my dad. Having my sister and her husband along too, made it even more unique. Then I started picturing us all sitting around talking with my aunt and my cousin that I haven’t seen in many years, and I suddenly got the meaning of “priceless”. A few hundred extra dollars was a small price to pay for a trip I may never get to recreate again, and I would’ve regretted that.
Family. People you can count on to stick by you through the years no matter what. Family – the ones who welcome you with open arms in both sad and happy times. Many times the people closest to us are taken for granted, while we’re out there looking for “the next best thing”. Hmmm….sometimes you just gotta fly….Pay Now.
And so, as another day goes by, sky miles would’ve come in handy today, and….. I have written.
February 26th, 2011 Most of the time we are in front of the eight ball. The white circle around the eight is the moon that lights our way. But then something happens and in the blink of an eye, we are behind the eight ball in a place we never imagined we’d be. There’s no moon here. Only inky darkness. We can’t see our hands in front of us. Fear sets in followed by panic, urgency, and the wall building begins once again for protection. Then the urgency begins to take hold as we begin doing all we can to get back around the other side where our moon is. A couple of blogs ago I commented on this urgency. What was that I learned? Oh yes, when the urgency strikes it usually means we should do the opposite. Even from behind the eight ball. Stop. Be still. Reside in the darkness.
Today’s meditation was titled :
Embrace the Lessons of Night
(This was no coincidence – because there are no coincidences – only wHispers from God)
“When we’re lost, when the way gets dark, sometimes we see things we would never have seen in the daylight. Sometimes, the lessons we learn in the darkness are breathtakingly beautiful.”
So when you find yourself suddenly behind the eight ball, quell the urgency to get back to the other side, and try to absorb in stillness what the darkness holds for you.
And so, as another day goes by, I either need to play more or less pool, and …I have written.
February 25th, 2011 Count to ten. Count your chickens. Count your blessings. Count on me. Count on you. Let me count the ways…. Counting Crows. Make it count.
I never knew how much we counted on counting, or realized the power counting holds, until today.
Standing bow pose has always been my “power pose”. It is the pose where I feel strong, determined, and gain my “I can do anything” attitude. On another note, because I feel so invested in this pose, it has also become my nemesis pose because I couldn’t hold the full 60 seconds on the first set AND the full 30 seconds of the second set together. This is not about “doing the poses perfectly”. I don’t have the same determination with the other 25 poses as I do with this one. This one, within me, has taken on a life of it’s own. When I look into my own eyes while in this pose, I see a level of strength I wish to possess, paring maintaining the prescribed time with the acquisition of this strength.
For the past two days I have all of a sudden begun to hold the pose for the required amount of time in both sets. I stumbled onto a secret. Counting. Counting the 60 or 30 seconds down while in the pose keeps my mind focused on not letting off on the pressure of the kick leading to “falling out” of the pose. This pose is one of the first ones we do, so I was awed by the power of counting during the rest of the class, and as with all things I learn in the studio, I always ask, “Can I take this strategy home with me?” and why does it work to provide strength and determination to see something through?
Very simple. Counting always shows us there’s and end. It rescues us from falling into the “I can’t do this any longer” mode and therein lies the strength and determination to “get it done”. I always put up a schedule for my kindergarten children and removed each activity as we did it, so they could count down how much longer the day was. Talk about wallowing in “when will this end?”. Five year olds have no concept of time and by using a schedule to give them this, provided tremendous security that they really were going home. This also gave them freedom to partake in learning without anxiety over wanting to go home taking over their thinking. Much like counting to 60 or 30 frees me to try and push myself further during standing bow, without worrying that I can’t see the end.
Is it foolproof? Sustainable? I guess I’ll find out over the next few days in the studio.
And so, as another day goes by, I’m counting on counting, and…I have written.
February 24th, 2011 Ok, so I posted previous blog before going to yoga this morning….guess what happened at the end of class ….while lying in savasana, the teacher read the exact meditation from my same book!
Guess God thinks I got a hard head!
And so, another day continues to go by, I’m thinking it’s gonna be pretty quiet, and…again…I have written.
February 24th, 2011 Today’s meditation….
“Take time each day to seek out stillness, to find that sacred spot. Let your mind and soul be at ease. Don’t grasp and grab for the magic and miracles. When you reside in that place of stillness, the joy, miracles, and magic you’re seeking will find you.”
Yesterday’s message was about quelling urgency. Yesterday in yoga, for some reason, during every pose as I looked into my own eyes, I just kept repeating in my head, “find the stillness”. Today’s meditation was entitled “There Is Power In Stillness”. And, just now, a flurry of papers over 40 years old just fell out of my old Bible. When I scooped them up off the floor a small white piece got away. On it was written PS 46:1-3;10. That’s it. No message. Out of curiosity I opened the Bible, found the verse, and 46:10 was “Stand silent! Know that I am God!”. My old favorite – I just didn’t recognize the reference number.
Can God make it any plainer?
And so, as another day goes by, it’s time to put down the gloves, and…I have written.
February 23rd, 2011 In today’s morning mediation it was communicated that whenever the sense of urgency strikes, unless someone is being harmed, it is most likely a signal to to do the opposite – slow down and quiet yourself. Emotions are what sets off this sense of urgency within us. Both anger and love alike set urgency in motion, and most things we do in response to it are not always the best for the situation.
I am perhaps the biggest victim of urgency. When a thought incites an emotional reaction within me, it is “urgent” to me to to let the object of that thought and emotion know it – whether it be love, anger, fear, sadness, etc. it always feels like something bad or something good will happen if I just “let them know” in time.
Alcohol, for me, heightens my sense of urgency when it strikes. Under the influence of alcohol the ability to quiet oneself is almost non-existent. In watching the show Glee last night, where the focus was alcohol awareness in the high school, I had a startling revelation. Children as young as high school age already know the “types of drunks” there are, something that can only be gained through experience with alcohol. It was made out to be extraordinary that Rachel had never taken a drink and her experienced friends were going to educate her in drinking. They helped her have a party and proceeded to raid her fathers liquor cabinet and get drunk. One friend sat with Rachel and pointed out the different “drunken personalities” now present around the room. A teacher had also gone out and gotten very drunk that night. The result was a very embarrassing day in school on Monday for both the students and the teacher.
The show did a very good job showing the power alcohol takes away from us. Usually people take a drink or two to loosen up and gain power to do things they are normally too inhibited to do. In reality, drinking zaps your power. As was illustrated in the show, the power for quelling the sense of urgency is rendered useless. It is impossible, as we all know, to make clear decisions while under the influence, but I never equated it with power being taken away against your will, leading to the obvious dangers of alcohol use. Kudos to Glee.
I asked myself why the obvious had such an impact on me. I was, in a sense, like Rachel, now, at MY age. I hadn’t had a drink until I was over 50 years old and had absolutely no experience with alcohol. I also had no idea the experience my own teens had already had with alcohol. To me, this is not a good thing. I am only now realizing, like they were teaching Rachel, that there are “drinking personalities” and now have I enough experience to evaluate mine. I am a “sensitive drunk” and I get my feelings hurt easily when I go past that one too many glass of wine. Then I run and hide. Needless to say, at parties, if I’m not careful, I spend an awful lot of time by myself. Now I know why and can take steps to recognize when that “fight or flight feeling” strikes.
It just seemed alarming to me that I am just now, at my age, putting this “drinking thing” together, yet teens were teaching it on tv. I always said we’re never too old to learn.
Yesterday I did not publish a blog, although I did write a few. I was unknowingly quelling my sense of urgency and quieting myself by not being so quick to push that publish key. Imagine my surprise when today’s meditation explained my absence of a blog. This is a good thing. Quelling the urgency and quieting oneself are not things learned overnight. It has taken me many weeks to arrive here. The key to learning this is taking the time to actually spend some time with yourself and figure out “how you work” and compose your own owner’s manual. (My husband has been asking for one since high school.)
And so, as another day goes by, an owners manual is in the making, and….I have written.
February 21st, 2011 Due to the small snowstorm in the northeast, I stayed in NY an extra day instead of driving back to Cape Cod. It was a beautiful winter morning and I wanted to spend some time outside, so I grabbed the shovel and set out to clear some snow out in front of our apartment. Our apartment is literally “on my dad’s front lawn” and sets along a long driveway that ends with a huge parking area in front of his garage. My original intention was to clear the snow in front of our apartment and down at the end of the driveway by the road. I began shoveling and letting my mind wander, enjoying the rhythmic movement of the shovel and the gorgeous morning. Pretty soon I had the driveway cleared down past our apartment. I thought to myself, “Well, I’ll just keep going and shovel straight down to my dad’s garage”. I reached the garage and started on that huge parking area. Half way through the parking area, I suddenly realized I was no where near tired. My heart rate wasn’t up at all. I wasn’t sweating or out of breath. No part of my arms or shoulders hurt. I was doing like I do in yoga everyday – “breathing in and out normally through my nose”, completely independent of my body’s movements. I had also slipped on hidden ice, caught myself and felt my knee kind of twist. Immediately I was scared I hurt my knee, but I just went on shoveling and the knee joint was fine.
I stopped and looked around me at the amount of space I just shoveled, staring with amazement at the size of the area and, even more so, at how I felt – or I should say – how I DIDN’T feel. I knew last February when I was here to ski, I tried shoveling just a part of this driveway one afternoon and had to give up due to excruciating arm and shoulder pain, breathlessness, and sheer exhaustion. I finished up the whole driveway, parking area and all, then went in to visit my dad. He said, “That’s the first time in 51 years that driveway has ever been shoveled by hand”. He chastised me for “exhausting myself”. I told him how I felt and he, too, was amazed. I said I could still go on, but I ran out of driveway.
This shoveling episode was sheer physical proof of what Bikram yoga has done for me in just 5 months. It HAS actually reversed signs of aging that I experienced in this very same driveway exactly one year ago. If you haven’t tried this yet, RUN, don’t walk, to the studio nearest you and work it into your regular schedule. I guarantee you will save and prolong your own life. So profoundly simple. Less than $3 a day, no pills, no diet, no shakes, no energy drinks, no high impact gym exercise, no music, no personal trainers, no figuring out the right workout routine, only one mat and one set of clothes needed (cause you have to wash them everyday), and it fixes your body (totally), your mind, your spirit, and your diet, simply by just showing up for class. Amazing.
Right now, as I write this, it’s noon and I came back over to the apartment after visiting awhile with my dad, thinking I’d need lunch then probably a nap. Here I sit, after eating a piece of baked chicken, still full of energy that I don’t know what to do with, and drinking, of all things, A CUP OF PLAIN HOT WATER out of the keurig coffee maker. I now just crave water and have no desire for caffeine of any kind. I think your body knows what it wants and needs and once you indulge it, it becomes like a healthy addiction.
Look at my pic and feel my victory! I am standing in front of my dad’s garage, our apartment is down there near the road, and you can see two cars in the parking area that still extends further to my left than I could get into the photo. Who knew the long sought after “fountain of youth” was hidden in a yoga studio?
And so, as another day goes by, I feel a whole year younger, and ….I have written.
February 20th, 2011 My recent “wHisper” from God (previous blogs) caused me to unearth my old college Bible. I left it on the table next to my chair. On this quiet Sunday morning I picked it up and started flipping thru it. This Bible was given to me in college 40 years ago by my dearest friend and spiritual mentor with whom I still talk with today and treasure the person she is after all these years. As I flip through the pages, reading passages I’ve highlighted over the years, I began to realize it tells a story of all the roads I have walked down with God – a forty year spiritual memoir. Today I find great comfort in this. It reassures me of who I am and the kind of person I am in a time of such self-doubt. Lately I’ve been labeled as “poison”, “jealous” and “the root of all evil”. Stunned, because I never felt any of those things, I took a step back and actually started doubting myself. Was I?
I stopped myself from going “forward” down that road and went “backward” into my past instead. I drew strength from things that were tried and true and tested by time. My sapphire ring (yesterday’s blog) was a trip back through the years of my physical life. My Bible page flipping today is a journey back through my spiritual life. Yes, I have gotten angry with people in the past when they hurt me, and I lashed out, especially with my children. My way, in a quarrelsome situation, years ago used to be to keep going until both voices escalated and many hurtful things were said by both of us. About 15 years ago I began to change my ways, realizing I was teaching my daughters to fight rather than reason. I stopped talking as soon as their voices began to escalate and told them I’d gladly talk it out if they stopped yelling – until then I’d remain silent. They’d stamp off to their rooms and slam the door. Later they’d come out and we’d begin the discussion again. Many times there was more door slamming because they’d want to start yelling again and I would, once again, shut down. Sometimes it took up to three tries before they’d talk, instead of yell and tell me they hated me, as all teens do to their parents. (Parents – do not take that personally) 🙂
Now, looking back over the years, I find this has changed me, too. I settle differences by talking quietly. After an angry moment in which I lash out, I immediately want to apologize and take responsibility for my part. We all get angry and say things we don’t mean in the heat of the moment – it’s basic human nature. It’s how we handle it afterward that matters. In turn, when the girls apologized to me, I would accept their apologies and allow them room to make their mistakes within our relationship. I never required them to be perfect, just as my husband and I never required perfection of each other. Through our example, we taught our children forgiveness and love far outweigh fighting and grudges and make for a more harmonious life.
Even after examining forty years of my spiritual and physical life, finding no evidence of me being a mean, vindictive person by nature, I still had a shred of doubt – was the person who said these things perhaps right after all?
Then I flipped another page of my Bible and there was my answer. Truly amazing.
On my wedding day 35 years ago I highlighted and dated a particular verse.
Proverbs 17:1
“A dry crust eaten in peace is better than steak everyday along with argument and strife.”
On my WEDDING DAY the most important thing to me was to create a peaceful life with my new husband, without argument and strife, and here we are 35 years later.
If I were truly “poison”, “jealous” and “the root of all evil” by nature, would we still be together? Would we have been able to raise two daughters, who today are such loving, tolerant, and forgiving young women?
My life, my marriage, my children, and my forty year walk with God are testament to who I really am. God stood by my chair today and turned the page to reassure me that I am a person who forgives and always wants the best for the loved ones in my life. I’ve made many mistakes, made some real messes due to bad judgement, but was always willing to apologize and forgive.
And so, as another day goes by, if you ever doubt yourself and who you are, look within, and ….I have written.
February 19th, 2011 Thirty eight years ago, when I was a junior in college, my husband, then boyfriend, gave me a star sapphire ring for Christmas. He said it was a friendship ring. Now, after 35 years of marriage to this wonderful man, I realize the full value of the significance of that ring that a young girl of 20 couldn’t begin to wrap her mind around at that age. We had been friends since we were nine years old, and back then my definition of friendship was someone who made me feel good and I had fun being around. Today, I realize that wobbly definition of friendship was the first building block of what has grown in the years since then and can only be described by the properties of the ring itself.
The setting is very unique. When my husband was purchasing the ring, the story he tells is how he drove the jeweler crazy by looking at every star sapphire he had in the case and saying, “No, that just isn’t her”. Every ring was either too big or too small for my finger. Finally the exasperated jeweler said, “Wait a minute”. He went in back to the safe and came out with a dusty box. Upon opening the box, my husband tells me he knew in his heart that was the perfect ring for me.
At Christmas, when I opened the box and saw the ring, I instantly felt in my heart this ring was special and unique to me. I put it on my finger on December 25, 1973 and have worn it everyday since for 38 years. That ring has mowed lawn, cleaned four houses and one huge pool, changed umpteen diapers, shoveled snow, spilt wood, moved bark mulch, painted rooms, hung Sheetrock, pounded nails, moved at least two thousand pieces of furniture, packed and unpacked boxes over our moves and those of our children, poured concrete, carried a ton of rocks and bricks to build a hearth, planted and weeded gardens, and the list goes on. The unique feature of the star sapphire? None of that physical work could even scratch or mar the surface of that stone. I have scraped it against concrete walls and that stone remains as smooth and shiny as the day I got it.
That ring has also held and fed babies, picked up toys, corrected papers, set up 35 years of classrooms, touched hundreds of little shoulders when a moment of encouragement was needed, wiped a million tiny tears, gave over a billion hugs, mixed fingerpaint, held tiny hands as they wrote their names for the first time and through all of this, the star remained clear and sharp, never wavering.
The ring, now after 35 years, fills in the rest of the building blocks for what a real, life-long friendship means. It means finding and appreciating the uniqueness in each other. It means walking through fire for the sole happiness of the other person. It means strength and resiliency in times of heartache and trouble. It means shared respect, kindness, gentleness and patience.
This ring was the foundation for the commitment promised by the diamond he gave me one year later. True friendship and commitment grown in a home of respect constitutes the love that sustains our 35 year marriage.
Throughout my time of difficulty both last year and now, it is this ring I use as a touchstone to remind me I’m not alone, my star still shines, and I possess a strength that can’t be marred by the most extreme circumstances.
The road to healing from loss is a long one, but thanks to my dear husband and best friend, I have my star to light the way.
And so, as another day goes by, hope resides on the third finger of my right hand, and…I have written.
February 19th, 2011 At my Cape Cod Writers night out my author friend, Shirley Pieters Vogel shared an excerpt from her book “wHispers”. It was the beautiful story of how she and her wonderful husband Stefan met after she went through a very traumatic divorce from her first husband, Conn. The story is not only beautiful, it’s almost unbelievable. (I won’t tell you about it hoping you’ll seek out a copy of her book.). At the end of her reading she quoted the Bible verse inscribed inside their wedding rings. The last line of the verse resonated loudly in my head: “Lean not upon thine own understanding”.
This past year I have overcome one very difficult situation and now find myself in the midst another. In the last situation I actually let it, over the course of eight months, take away who I was, which in turn caused the present situation. I saved myself from going down the black hole of depression, emerged stronger than ever, and with a greater understanding of “how I work”. My present situation tried to take away my sense of myself as “a good person”, with good intentions and my integrity. So very soon after climbing out of the quagmire of last year, I once again found myself very close to stepping over the line. I had two choices. I could either curl up in chair and paralyze myself, berating myself for being a horrible person, or I could get up, take a shower, resume my life, and retain my sense of who I am and who I have been for 57 years. I got up, showered, went to my writers event and heard Shirley’s words. That last line resonated in my head over and over on the drive home. Why, I didn’t know.
The next day I was very close to believing I was less than a “good person”, when in a moment of very dark despair God plainly whispered:
“Lean NOT upon your OWN understanding …because YOU are just a tiny person, living on a tiny half acre of land on this huge earth, and YOU don’t understand anything. Now….read the REST of the damn verse!”
So I guess you could say, “The Lord has spoken”, or as my friend Shirley would say, “wHispered”. I spent 6 weeks thinking I understood and knew the hows and whys and whats that others were thinking and feeling. This only caused me to make bad decisions and make the situation worse, almost leading, once again, to my own personal demise. So I dug out my old college Bible, found the verse and read the rest. Sure enough. I knew nor understood nothing. It said:
“If you want favor with both God and man, and a reputation for good judgement and common sense, then trust the Lord completely; DON’T EVER TRUST YOURSELF. In everything you do, put God first, and He will direct you and crown your efforts with success.”
Well, right now, my efforts certainly need to be “crowned” with some success, so I’ll try anything. It’s easy to let a big struggle overtake your thinking thruout the day and subconsciously eat at you. Now, with my new mantra, every time my thoughts “go there” I just say “Stop! You don’t KNOW anything – lean NOT unto your own understanding!” It makes sense and above all, it works. It stops me in my tracks and keeps me from having those imaginary conversations and arguments in my head. I feel a certain peace in “not knowing”, and better yet, even more peace that somebody bigger than me can see and know the future and has it covered. I have often mentioned that the hardest thing to do, for me, such a “fixer”, is NOTHING. This is probably the first time I have ever found peace in “doing nothing”.
In the past year I’ve strayed a bit far from the faith that has sustained me for over forty years. On July 31,1971 as a lost, scared, shy college freshman I acknowledged a higher power as the master of my destiny. Everytime I lost focus of that, life got messy. I just hope God doesn’t get tired of chasing me around with a broom and a dustpan.
And so, as another day goes by, there’s no place to go but UP, and…I have written.
*blog for 2/18- editing and publishing held up due to travel and concert plans. 🙂
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