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February 6th, 2011 Tonight, a great time had at a super bowl party with friends and family. All day, a great afternoon spent with an awesome novel from Oprah’s book club – Freedom by Jonathan Franzen. Amazing writing. I never read a book where it isn’t the action of the lives of the characters that intrigues me and moves the story along, but their thoughts. The scary part is that I see myself in parts of them. In a way, it’s nice to know that certain ways I think, feel, and act must be common characteristics of human nature and not unique to me, but on the flip side, a curtain was lifted and I can’t be those people anymore. I think I found my own particular freedom in this book and I’m only half way through it. I can’t wait to see what happens to me.
Freedom by Jonathan Franzen …get it, a good read for parents and adult children alike.
And so, as another day goes by, I have read, watched, been enlightened by this day, and…I have written.
February 5th, 2011 Emotional conflicts with people we care about are never easy, but I firmly believe they are necessary to move the relationship forward. And, while that’s all well and good, it leaves us with the “But how do I get through it?” question.
Very often, immediately after the conflict occurs, we spend much time, energy, and tears trying to problem solve it and get to a resolution. Today I read something that made me stop and think about this:
“In retrospect I realize I have spent many hours problem solving emotional facts I just needed to feel. I know now that my frequent labors to understand what went wrong, while somewhat useful, often were distractions from feeling the sadness and disappointment necessary to heal and move on.” ~ Mark Nepo
I always thought it was easier to think my way through a conflict. Figure out what I could DO to reduce or solve a loved one’s sadness or anger. I never thought of that as a “distraction” from really feeling my feelings. I was too afraid to just go about my day without problem solving it and just let it hurt. Simply let it hurt. Stop replaying it in my mind, asking endless why’s and how’s. Just simply feel it.
I remembered something a good friend always told me:
“Feel your feelings and them let them go,” and I actually sat down and did just that. Yes, it was tearful, but for once I didn’t try to figure out anything. I just sat there and simply felt the hurt, anger, disappointment and fear and it occurred to me there’s no way I could problem solve these feelings. Feelings are what they are and feelings are supposed to be felt, not analyzed. The result? Slowly I began to feel the heaviness in my chest lift and the rock in my stomach shrink a bit. I caught what I call my “franticness”, just in time, before it consumed me and led me into trying to once again figure out how to “fix it”, which only leads to making it worse. Instead I redirected the energy into taking the first steps toward moving on, letting time work and patience prevail.
And so, as another day goes by, I feel my feelings and let them fly, and …I have written.
February 4th, 2011 I have a friend who put the most intelligent statement I have ever read on Facebook. She said, “When I was a kid social networking meant go outside and play!”
She posted that awhile ago, but her wise words have stuck with me ever since. This is not only true for children, but us grown-ups, too. Facebook is fine to say hello and connect with people you haven’t seen in years, but we really must be cognizant of how much of our relationships we conduct through Facebook, email, and texting. The absence of eye contact, body language, and voice tone leave gaping holes in conversations, in turn leaving gaping holes in our relationships. Things written are very often misinterpreted or taken completely out of context without the human element. We must be careful not to use social networking to solve difficulties we have with face to face contact. I, myself, always welcome a real “knock down, drag out, in person where, at the end, we can cry and hug, rather than an all out word war on the page where we’re just left feeling unsure and empty.
Reading the Facebook newsfeed often causes anxiety, even in adults (myself included). I cannot even imagine what it does to a fragile teen ego. We, as adults, must model for our children. We must “go outside and play”. If we need to make new friends, we must leave the house and connect with people in person. We must make sure we take time to visit friends and family and make that human connection and feel the feelings we share with our loved ones.
Having Facebook mobile has taught me a great deal, but the biggest thing it has taught me is that I shouldn’t have it. ( I feel another resolution coming on) If I’m out and about town I should be talking to and connecting with the people in the room with me, not checking and posting on Facebook every few minutes. If I’m home watching TV, I should be watching with those in the room with me. If I’m walking in a mall, I should be paying attention to where I’m going or I may end up in a fountain on the nightly news. I deleted my Facebook mobile app and will check my page on the computer when I get to it. I live in one of the most serene, idyllic places in the country, and I often let too much technology and social networking obliterate that which I should spend more time appreciating. If anybody has a reason to go play outside, it’s me, with an ocean at my front door.
I am, though, a firm believer in balance. Facebook, email, and texting have made relationships with loved ones closer, and even, in some cases, possible for me. Technology and social networking do have their place in my life, but I mean to be more conscious in 2011 of not letting them rob precious face to face interaction.
With Social Network up for movie of the year, I found an article in the Cape Cod Times yesterday by Mike Tempesta particularly interesting and like to share a part of it with you. The title was:
“Living Life in the Social Wasteland”.
I quote, “I rented The Social Network” for two reasons. From what I read, it is a superb movie, and watching movies is one of my passions. And I wanted to learn a bit more about the man responsible for one of the biggest wastes of time in the history of mankind.
What was so troubling about watching Mark Zuckerberg, the Facebook founder, for two hours was realizing he didn’t actually do anything while he was at Harvard. He didn’t jog around the Charles River. He did not shoot a basketball in the gym, swim in the Blodgett Pool, attend a Harvard-Yale football game in Soldier Field, strum the guitar at Harvard Square, write a poem, row crew (at least his nemesis, the Winklevoss twins, went out and did that).
According to the movie, he did not spend time in nature or devote any to helping the needy. What he did was create a place that is nothing like real life. It is a place where people now waste seemingly a third of their lives; instead of doing something, they talk about doing something on Facebook.”
Hmmmm….Shouldn’t we all go play outside for awhile?
And so, as another day goes by, a new resolution is born, and ….I have written.
Resolution Count:
1. Swallow the explosion and digest it.
2. Let time work and patience prevail.
3. Check myself in human mirrors.
4. Allow some “mess” and be okay with it.
5. Play outside more.
February 3rd, 2011 “We want to be held and left alone, again and again, held and left alone until the dance of it is, how we survive and grow, like spring into winter and winter into spring again.” ~ Mark Nepo
A new thread to the cycle of life, so essential to our survival, is illustrated in this simple quote. It is what we must do, as well as have done to us, within any close, important relationship we have – parent/child, teacher/student, friend/friend, husband/wife…etc. to have that relationship flourish and grow.
I do remember in the classroom my five year olds would get irritable and unruly every two or three weeks. It was their way of telling me the design of the lessons and learning centers was exhausted and they were ready to move on. I’d always know it was time to plan an evening in my classroom, tearing down everything and replacing it with new material. They’d come in the next day and after explaining the new learning centers, I’d let them loose, leave them alone, and they were off and running, learning and growing again.
I have often said the hardest part of love is the letting go, but I never thought of it as cyclical, only as final. As I examine all my relationships I find it’s true, they do operate in a being “held and left alone” cycle. I, too, require being “held and left alone” to be happy living with the people I love. In times of crisis, my husband and I cling tightly, but the rest of the time we operate in tandem, each pursuing our own life activities. My girls call, text, or come home for a visit when they have a crisis or just miss us. Then, once again, they’re off living their lives and I might not hear from them for two weeks.
The “left alone” part, my girls will tell you, was hard for me. When they’d tell me about a certain aspect of their life, sometimes worry would kick in before they were even done with their first sentence and I had a dozen who, what, where, when, why questions. Just recently, a couple of them approached me with their new diet changes. My first reaction to them was “Why do you want to do that?”. Immediately worry began to set in. Usually I’d persist in trying to get them to see the dangers lurking in their decisions, but this time, I stopped after asking why, and proceeded to hear them out. They are in their “left alone” part of the cycle. They just want me to listen to their plans and decisions and support them. They are not in crisis or need. They do not need to be “held”. They are simply living their lives and want to share pieces of it with me. Once again, why the miraculous, unconscious change in my behavior?
Could it be due to 130 days of “holding” a pose for the prescribed amount of time, then “letting it go” and reaping the benefits? Has the “hold and let go” cycle been imbedded into my mind and spirit, as well as my body? I have to believe the yoga has struck again.
I take great comfort in the “held and left alone” cycle, both for myself and for those I love. Living in the rhythm of this cycle affords both freedom and security for all of us. Freedom to be ourselves, while still knowing we belong, is a cornerstone of all lasting relationships.
And so, as another day goes by, I find comfort in the cycles of life, and…I have written.
February 2nd, 2011 I get up every morning and sit in my rocking chair and set about my task of putting my world in order in my mind. I want everyone happy and no conflict anywhere in it, much like housecleaning. I vacuum, dust, wash the floors, and then sit in my chair to admire how clean the house is, with everything is in it’s place. Just as in my life, it doesn’t last long. Pretty soon the “clean” starts falling apart. Sometimes it’s something as small as a spill, and it’s easily wiped up and order is restored. Sometimes, like when I’m painting a room, it’s a big mess that I am going to have to look at for days or weeks. In life, sometimes a quick text to my daughter, or a talk with my husband sets things right again. Sometimes there’s no other answer than to sit quiet and let time take it’s course. A prolonged mess, either in my house or my life, were almost impossible for me to live with. I could never accept it has to be what it is for as long as it takes, without it eating me alive daily. Walking by the room that is holding all the furniture from the room being painted, would instantly depress me. Walking around with a conflict between loved ones in my gut would – well – the best way to describe this is Bruno Mars dragging that damn piano around town in his Grenade video. I’d drag that piano wherever I went. I couldn’t put the rope down and enjoy all the other things in my life fully. That damn piano went everywhere with me. Family functions, the mall, Cape Cod writers functions, the grocery store, etc. Until I tried to drag it into the yoga studio.
After 18 weeks, the yoga has finally changed something that is, or was, inherently in my nature. Everyday, for 130 days, I stared at myself in the mirror and my body screamed “I don’t want to stay in this position!”, but my eyes focused on themselves in that mirror unwaveringly and said, “Tough. You’re doing it.” Over the course of 26 poses for 130 days, the power my mind began to exercise over my body grew with a quiet voraciousness that has just, this week, began to manifest itself to me both in and out of the studio.
I am staying in standing bow pulling pose for the full sixty seconds more often than not lately. Just today I looked into my eyes and kept repeating “Kick back, stretch forward” without getting distracted by the teacher’s dialogue, the person in front of me, or my own body screaming “Put me down!” The intenseness of the focus and the power I possessed over my body, shook me to my very core.
I came home at noon, showered, put on the news and had my daily lunchtime phone call with my husband. We hung up and I made my own lunch and finished watching the news. Afterward I pushed the recliner back and sat in the stormy, rainy afternoon feeling very content to just sit in the quiet comfort of my house – WHICH IS NOT CLEAN AND IN ORDER. You may not see this as big for me, but I could never, ever just sit down and truly enjoy the news or the phone call if the house wasn’t in perfect order. Lately I’ve been able to do this more and more. I went upstairs and glanced into the bedroom I’m currently working on and felt satisfaction instead of depression at the mess. I saw the disarray in a different light. I saw it as a passage to a nicer room.
Also, this week, I finally put down the rope on the piano and left it on the side of the road. Everything in my world does not have to be “perfect” in order for me to be happy and enjoy the things happening in my life daily. One of my resolutions this year is to let time and patience prevail – bringing good in the future – just like the seeing the mess as a passage to a nicer room – all without letting it control me or tear me up TODAY.
In both situations, my mind easily snapped to it and didn’t let my body fail me. I stayed in the pose for the full sixty seconds and I was able to sit amongst the dust and a few dirty dishes without having to jump and hurry up and clean it before I could enjoy the noon news and my husband’s phone call.
People have tried to tell me Bikram yoga isn’t spiritual. Seriously? It goes very deep below your skin and changes you from the inside out – “bones to skin” as it says daily in the dialogue. It takes you deep within yourself everyday, in a new way, because you are never the same on any given day. When you enter the studio, you never know what you’re in for – even though you’re going to do the same 26 poses to the same dialogue.
130 days. Same 26 poses. Same dialogue. Never the same lesson. Go figure.
And so, as another day goes by, I am so glad to be rid of that damn piano and….I have written.
Resolution Count:
1. Swallow the explosion and digest it.
2. Let time and patience prevail.
3. Check yourself in human mirrors.
4. Allow some “mess” and be okay with it.
February 1st, 2011 Today, in yoga class, the teacher, who owns the studio, was amazingly insightful in handling an uncomfortable situation. In recent weeks I’ve heard some undercurrent about some people not being pleased with a certain instructor and I’m sure they let the teacher/owner know about it.
During class she told us how she took that particular instructor’s class last night. She was laughing about how he drags out the dialogue and has a way of holding them a little longer in the poses. Then she spoke about how good it was to take classes from a variety of instructors. She said you don’t have to like them all, but you do come away with different things from each one. She told us she had a person ask if she could tell whose going to be teaching the classes, so she could not come when a certain instructor was teaching. She then shared something she learned from one of her teachers during her teacher training. Her teacher told them that if you are unhappy or angry with someone, the reason could be because you’re really seeing yourself in them, and lots of times it’s something about yourself that you don’t want to face. This small piece of insight kind of hit all of us and gave us something new to ponder.
She went on to say that’s part of what coming to yoga is all about – staring into your own eyes in the mirror and really seeing your true self – all the parts. Coincidentally, just before class yesterday, I was talking to a young girl. We discussed how we both came to our first class and never stopped coming. She told me she has friends who couldn’t come back because they weren’t ready to face themselves in the mirror out of fear of what they’d see looking into their own eyes. She said some people just aren’t ready to do that. Wow. Intense.
Both of these incidents gave me much to think about as I moved through the poses these past two days. Seeing your true self behind your own eyes in the mirror being so riveting that some can’t handle it, and being irritated with others because you see something of yourself in their actions or manner, is, what I describe as, cause for pause.
I feel another resolution coming on. Maybe, when the hot iron of anger strikes, or the itch of irritation starts, pause, and just take a quick look to see if we are really looking at our own reflection in a human mirror.
And so, as another day goes by, seems our true selves can be hiding in the strangest places, and …I have written.
Resolution Count:
1. Swallow and digest the explosion
2. Let time and patience prevail
3. Pause, and see if you appear in those
you have issues with
January 31st, 2011 Bikram yoga studios sponsor 30 day challenges 3 or 4 times a year. You sign up and keep track by putting stars next to your name. The object is to attend thirty classes in thirty days. If you miss a day, then you need to “do a double” and attend two classes in one day. My daughter did this in the fall and completed 30 classes in 28 days. I’m very proud of her effort. Usually there is a small prize, like a little discount on your membership fee, for completing the challenge, but the real prize lies in the 30 days itself. It’s been said/proven, that anything you do for 30 days becomes a life-long habit. ( Very important to examine things we do everyday – this works both ways – we could be reinforcing habits that could harm us)
People ask me all the time why I didn’t sign up for the 30 day challenge, considering I’m in class every morning anyway. My answer is simple. My yoga practice is a personal journey and can’t be marked on a chart with stars. So far it has released me from life’s pressures and I don’t want to use it to create a pressure situation. Going to class every morning has become habit and I look forward to it. I get up, eat, drink my two bottles of water, brush my teeth, dress and leave for class at 9am everyday. Just as I wouldn’t think of leaving the house without brushing my teeth, I can’t think of starting my day without going to class. (Except for last Thursday when the snow and ice froze the electric garage door shut imprisoning my car – my physical and mental exercise that day involved ladders and screwdrivers)
Though I’m not participating in the yoga 30 day challenge, the concept of using 30 days to change something in my life for the better, intrigues me. Being a former teacher, I do so love those progress charts, so I decided to pick something I need to change within myself, something I need to do (or not do) daily, and reward myself with a smiley face each day. My dearest friend gave me the cutest Yoga Puppies calendar for Christmas, making it the perfect progress chart. Now, I do know from the yoga experience that doing (or not doing) some small, physical act can take you on a tremendous emotional journey, teaching you hidden truths about yourself.
I am five days into my challenge now, and, whether it’s a “do” or “not do” thing, it’s a fight everyday to add or remove something to/from your life. You either thought you can’t live without it, or you can’t stand doing it one more time, but there’s that progress chart staring you in the face and there’s no way in hell you’re not going to collect that smiley face at the end of the day. That’s the power of the chart. I’m not a competitive person when it comes to going against others (board games and Monopoly excluded – I had to include this disclaimer in case my children read this. When we play Monopoly, they just automatically hand me Board Walk and Park place or it gets ugly real soon), but when it comes to challenging myself, there are no holds barred. I hate telling myself “no, you can’t” or “yes, you must”.
It doesn’t matter what I picked for my 30 day challenge – it can be something as small as not eating Corn Flakes for breakfast, or something as large as committing to write this blog everyday. What matters is the smiley face at the end of the day. Do you know what it’s like to have 30 smiley faces looking at you? I’m hell-bent to find out.
And so, as another day goes by, day five is in progress, and….I have written.
January 30th, 2011 Just finished Poser by Claire Dederer, am in the middle of Faith Club by Suzanne Oliver, and just today started my next Anne LeClaire novel, with the goal of having read all of her books before I take her workshop in March.
Faith Club is awesomely enlightening. It is about three women of three faiths coming together to write a children’s book, bringing together the common beliefs of their three faiths – Islam, Christianity, and Judaism. It’s written in such a personal narrative of their conversations you actually feel your sitting in the room with them. The women start out thinking they are beyond the reproach of prejudice, they are rational, educated and can intelligently discuss their individual faiths. They are surprised at the direction their conversations take them, and are even more surprised at what these meetings reveal about them. Although I’m only half way through the book and the project has almost been thwarted twice, I am anxious to see how it will end – will it end in a children’s picture book showing our children we can coexist in acceptance of faiths different than our own? A must read in this day and age when all war seems to be rooted in religion.
The Anne LeClaire book I just downloaded today is called Entering Normal and is about the pain of losing a child. So far the anguish the parents are going through after losing their 16 year old son in a horrific car accident five years ago is heart wrenching. Ned and Rose do not share the pain and suffer separately in a lonely house, when 20 year old single mom, Opal, moves in next-door with her five year old son. Will the crossing of their lives help one another or push each one deeper into their individual journeys? I can’t wait to find out.
And so, as another day goes by, I now have 77 books in my Kindle on my iPhone, and…I have written.
January 29th, 2011 ….. by Claire Dederer is a memoir exquisitely told through one woman’s life long trek through many yoga teachers and studios. Who would think for a minute that the positions we contort ourselves into in the yoga studio, would parallel what we experience in our daily lives enough to communicate a life story?
Before being a “serious” yogi, like Claire, I would beg to differ with that concept. But now, after clocking over 100 classes, I fully embrace the medium she used to tell the story of a wife and mother, including her childhood and the influence it had on her life. Her insights into how she arrived at the person she is today cleverly escapes from the twenty three poses in the studio, much like an artist’s personna leaps from the canvas.
I totally get this yoga-life thing. My nemesis pose is standing head to knee. Everyday – “Wipe your hands on your costume and bend over and grip your right foot in your hands. Lock out your left knee. If the knee is wobbly and not locked, the posture has not begun and you must stay in this first phase until the left knee stays locked. If and only if the left leg is locked, slowly bring your right foot out on front of you so it looks like an upside-down letter L as in Linda. (isn’t it coincidental that MY name is not only part of the Bikram dialogue, but in my nemesis pose, no less) Next bring your elbows below your calf and touch your forehead to your knee.”
Back in my first few weeks of Bikram yoga, I struggled daily to lift that right leg to form the upside-down letter L. (after all, I WAS Linda, I should be able to do this) Everyday my hands slipped and lost the grip. My knee wobbled and needless to say, I spent more time falling out of the pose than staying in it. I would expend so much energy falling out and gripping my right foot over and over to get back in, that my heart was racing and I had no breath left to breathe when the instructor said, “Now breathe normally through your nose”. I spent alot of time on my knees trying not to pass out in the midst of the other upside-down L’s surrounding me. How DID they do that?
Along about my eighth week, I attended class with my daughter, who has been practicing Bikram for well over a year. After class, SHE brought up standing head to knee pose. (She was next to me witnessing the flopping around) She said, “Mom, you shouldn’t be trying to lift your right leg until you master the “basket grip”. I had to hang out in the first part of that pose for almost a year. I JUST started lifting my right leg.”
Eight weeks of hearing “If and only if the left leg is locked, slowly lift your right leg….” Eight weeks. The same message everyday and I STILL missed it, until my daughter pointed it out. Eight weeks of strife and struggle because I missed what was right in front of me everyday.
How many times does this happen to us? How long do we go missing the obvious, struggling to figure out what’s wrong, until we step on it like a land-mine and it blows up in our face, causing undue harm all around us? My rush-ahead, hurry-up nature has always been just as much as a nemesis to me as standing head to knee pose, causing much fear and anxiety over not being able to quickly “fix it” and be happy again. I could never see how you could be happy and calm while waiting for time to work its magic. “Be still and know that I am God” has never been my forte either, but it’s been a favorite of mine since college. The patience it takes to wait on time and do absolutely nothing seemed insurmountable to me by nature, but standing head to knee pose has been working with me on this for these past nine weeks. I now bend over and pick up my right foot and grip it with all 10 fingers just below the toes and lock out my left knee and here I stay here, hunched over practicing my “basket grip” for the full sixty seconds. I concentrate on my locked left knee in the mirror, letting time work and patience prevail. I relax and find stillness in this first part of the posture, knowing this pose may take many more months before I can raise that right leg and form the “upside-down letter L”. If you look at the picture below you’ll notice there are two more phases to the pose after you finally stretch out that right leg. And then comes the advanced part to the posture where you actually take your hands away and don’t even HOLD your foot up there.
When my heart knows time and patience are the answer, but my head wants to rush ahead, I now side with my heart without a struggle or a second thought. 17 weeks of standing head to knee has ingrained such patience and acceptance of the magic of time in me, that it has become an almost automatic response to shut down my usual rush-ahead, push and force nature. It’s changed me from the inside out.
People often ask, “Doesn’t doing the same 26 postures everyday get boring?” Boring? Seriously? This is only ONE posture and it’s going to take a year to master just the first part, not only in body, but in mind and spirit, too. With 25 more postures all holding valuable lessons, I hardly think boring is the word. It’s a good thing I have the rest of my life – I, too, see it being told in 26 postures. I foresee Bikram in my life well into my nineties, (he promises it reverses aging) and it’s a good thing you’re never too old, never too sick, etc. to do it, cause I’ve got a long way to go.
Yes, the story of one’s life can be told in twenty three yoga poses and Claire Derderer has done it well. This is a great read. I highly recommend both the book and maybe some consistent yoga practice, too.
And so, as another day goes by, I form resolution number two – let time and patience prevail and …I have written.
Resolution count so far:
1. Swallow the explosion and digest it
2. Let time and patience prevail
(I fear it’s going to be a busy year.)
January 28th, 2011 The big reveal of day five is – I don't have to do this anymore. I suddenly realized my silence is different than Anne's silence in her book. Her silence was just that – silence – no talking for a whole day. My silence never involved not talking. My silence involved trying to make my world as quiet as possible and then sit still in it for 15 minutes. With the exception of a few words of friendly exchange before yoga class, and a phone call from my husband, I spend way more time not talking to anyone than Anne does each week, which caused me to pause and examine my own silence.
Today I didn't shut off or even mute the TV. I just plopped into my favorite rocking chair (which is still in the TV room) and turned on VH1 and let my mind go. And what did I find? I found that it's what I have been doing since I was 14 years old and it has been the key to my sanity ever since.
I had a huge, private, almost apartment-like room upstairs throughout my high school years. (best gift my parents ever gave me) I would get up an hour early each morning and put on music and just rock in my rocking chair for an hour before starting my day. I would first go through my whole day in my mind, much like a diver goes through his dive mentally before leaving the board. Then I would just talk with God – pointing out possible obstacles in my day that I would need his help with. Then I would move onto visions of myself in the future. I would picture me in college and later on being a teacher in the very same school I was heading off to in a few hours. My husband, back then, was absolutely the cutest and nicest boy in our class. Part of my future vision was being married to this captain of the football team boy, way in the future, after college. There, in that rocking chair, over the course of four years, my life took shape. My dreams were formed so solidly, it was impossible for them not to come true. It was almost like I wore them like I wore my clothes.
All of those dreams did come true. After college, I found myself married to that boy and a fourth grade teacher in that very same school. What I also found was that I still got up one hour early and rocked in my rocking chair. (I have to pause here to tell you that boy quickly found out rocking chairs were necessary for my survival and it was his job to make sure I had one in every room – even out by the pool. When I left for college, he bought me one for my dorm room and spent 4 years hauling it back and forth for me.) Every morning I'd still put my music on, and imagine my day in school with my students, pray, and now dream of the home and children I'd have in the nearer future with this boy.
Those dreams also came true. I then rocked, prayed, and dreamed in the early morning hours with beautiful baby girls in my arms, gazing out the window at a yard we actually owned. This sounds very idyllic, I know, but for that time, it had to be. I was building solidarity in my mind, and faith in my soul to raise theses girls and deal with all married life, parenthood, and a mortgage was going to throw our way.
As the girls grew, money was tight, days were long, communication between that boy and me was short, and I began sliding down the hill of "this is real life". Again, throughout these years, it was those early morning hours I spent in my rocking chair (and during particularly hard times, whole afternoons spent rocking outside by the pool) that saved all of us.
So, here I am today, living out still another dream vision that was born in my rocking chair 14 years ago – that of retiring here on Cape Cod, (this rocking chair, being the latest one that boy bought me for our 34th anniversary, is a real beauty!) and….I'm still getting up at 6 am, putting on VH1, visualizing my day, praying, and now dreaming of a future here in this house that may involve once again spending early morning hours in my rocking chair, with a baby in my arms. A dream of a new chapter of our lives invaded by new little people to capture our hearts in the coming years.
So here I sit, as the music plays in the background – every now and then a song gripping my heart and causing tears to spring as it reminds me of a loved one, and I suddenly realize I always possessed my very own kind of silence.
Through all of this, the constants were my rocking chairs, my music, my prayers, and my dreams. 15 minutes of silence to experience God and his teachings? What was I thinking? I had that all figured out when I was a kid of 14.
And so, as another day goes by, the 15 minutes of silence idea is put to bed, and …I have written.
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