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January 17th, 2011 I was watching The Talk on MLK day today and the hosts brought their children because they all were off from school. They asked their children what MLK meant to them. This, out of Sara Gilbert’s 6 year old son:
“Grown-ups know better than to shoot somebody just because they don’t like their words.” Levi Gilbert
Wow. Talk about getting the real meaning of tolerance. It makes me stop and think about the delivery of messages. You can say the same four words twice to someone, and depending on your facial expression and tone of voice, each time you could deliver a totally different message using the same 4 words. One of the freedoms we enjoy in the US is the freedom to agree to disagree. If everyone agreed on everything 100% of the time, our country couldn’t have moved forward as fast as it did over the last century. Martin stood for more than equality. He stood to remind us that it’s okay to disagree, but the delivery of our message is crucial to understanding. He stood for saying how you feel in a peaceful manner, without inciting anger, so people would be more inclined to listen to your point of view.
The extremeness of young Levi’s statement makes us sit up and take note of how we apply Dr. King’s message into our own daily lives, right in our own homes. This is where we teach our children and forge close family relationships. At times of anger, it’s hard to stop and speak coherently, but Levi reminds us, that even as grown-ups, we need time-outs. Time-out to let our anger fade and come up with a better way to deliver our message. I would say Sara and her partner have done an excellent job of teaching their children patience and tolerance of those with ideas different than their own.
And so, as another day goes by, I take heed of a young boy’s message, and…I have written.
January 16th, 2011 Pats lost a shocker…..but it was a great time connecting with people we haven’t seen in a year, having Erin and her friends with us, and revisiting the old haunt at Foxboro, that’s been totally remodeled. It may be the end of the road for the Pats, but as we all know, it’s really not about who wins, is it?
And so, as another day goes by, another football season draws to a close, and….I have written.
January 15th, 2011 Today I read an interesting story in my daily meditation book, The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo. (I highly recommend this book for your spiritual endeavors for 2011)
An old Hindu master grew tired of his apprentice complaining so he gave him a glass of water and a handful of salt and told him to mix the salt in the water, then drink it. The apprentice drank it, spit it out and said it tasted bitter. Next the master gave him another handful of salt and led him to a lake. He instructed him to throw the salt in the lake then taste the lakewater. He then asked him how it tasted. The apprentice replied, “Fresh”. “Do you taste the salt?”, asked the master. “No”, replied the apprentice. The master took his hands and said, “The pain of life is pure salt; no more, no less. The amount of pain in life is the same, exactly the same. But the amount of bitterness we taste depends upon the container we put it in. So when you are in pain, the only thing you can do is enlarge your sense of things…..stop being a glass and become a lake.”
If, when I set out to yoga everyday, all I saw was camel pose (the one feared the most) I’d probably turn around and go home. If I look at all 26 poses as a class, I can’t wait to get there. If I’m facing a major challenge in my life, I need to minimize it and put it in it’s place and magnify each of the other hundreds of things that make up my life so the challenge is but a tiny sailboat on the sea. Every time I see a boat floating in the bay on my daily beach-walk, I will think “Be an ocean”. Hopefully that analogy will quicken my step and make breathing through the particular struggle on my mind that day taste less bitter.
And so, as another day goes by, I will be reminded all things in life need to be kept in perspective so the energy of the universe can move the challenges, as well as the victories, forward in a positive direction, and….I have written.
January 14th, 2011 I have two friends who are the friends everyone wishes they had. In any relationship, it’s how we react to the hard times that matter the most. The good times are just that- warm n fuzzy n happy – and oh so easy to experience, but when it starts raining, and everyone is running for cover, my two friends always have the biggest umbrellas.
These two friends always run and support me for the usual mishaps in life – health problems, family problems, etc. as do most people in my life, but what makes these two friends special is that they do the thing that most people are too afraid to do. They save me from myself, and they do it in completely opposite ways. One friend can’t hold back. When she sees me spinning out of control, she just grabs me by the shirt collar and let’s me have it. A knock upside the head, so to speak, stops me in my tracks, makes me step back and say “hey”, and slowly make my way back into my orbit. The other friend is much gentler, but she also packs a wallop in her own way. First she let’s me know I’m on a road to destruction by asking “What’s with you lately?” and she gives me chance to step back and realize it. If I don’t, and I persist down my destructive course, she just refuses to talk to me. She sends me to an ashram in my head somewhere to go figure it out. (It’s a good thing I have the other friend to give me a hint of what I’m working on or I’d spend an awful lot of time on my knees chanting prayers).
I need both of them. One slams me up against the wall and forces me to gain clarity quickly so I can begin work immediately on what ails me. The other one makes me go on an inward journey to find my way back to my center without anyone holding my hand. Both of them make me a better person. Both of them make me refocus my attention off of ME and clear the path for me to see the needs of others and be of help to THEM. Both of them require me to be strong. Neither one will put up with a temper tantrum – and they do this because they love me and want me to be the best person I can possibly be – not to hurt me or reject me.
There’s no greater gift than friends who get in your face for your own good instead of just smiling and pretending you’re great. The fun times together are made possible by the tough times that continually push us to be better than we ever thought we could be. The fun times are deeper and sweeter because we know we are spending our time with people who genuinely care.
Step back and take a look at your friends. Maybe the one who you think is always being mean to you, loves you the most. I say this because for most of my life, outside my family, I had no friends like these two. I could say this one and that one is “my best friend”, but in reality I had no clue of what a best friend was. If one was staring me in the face I probably wouldn’t have known it. I was so fearful of rejection and not appearing perfect, that the first sign someone was probably trying to point out I didn’t have to be, I called them “mean” in my mind and mentally walked away from them, regaling them to acquaintances that smiled and pretended I was great. A lifetime of walking away from people did do one good thing. It put me in real touch with God. When my heartaches were within my family, I had nowhere to go but up. This was a good thing, but after awhile, for my own good, God even got tired of my weaknesses and He sent me out into the world to make new friends. (Actually He dropped them into my life, refused to let me leave them when I felt rejection, and made me suck it up and stick out the ride).
These two friends have taught me trust when the chips were down, taught me the responsibility on my part a friendship of this caliber takes, and most of all, they taught me how to get out of my own way so I could move forward in life.
I genuinely and truly love them and I hope, you too, are blessed with friends such as these, in your life. If you think not, just look around – I bet they’re there.
And so, as another day goes by, I sing as we used to sing in kindergarten “Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold” – these two are definitely my gold, and ….I have written.
January 13th, 2011 “I’m takin the hardest way” is a lyric from a favorite song, Bikram writes “The right way is the hard way” and we say a hundred times “Can’t anything ever be easy?”. I think I see a connection here.
What is right, true, and worthy of our trust, is hard, and takes daily work.
And so, as another day goes by, there’s really no more to say on that one, and….though it’s short, I have written.
January 12th, 2011 Today I was all set to skip yoga due to the huge snowstorm. When it was time to go, it was 38 degrees, raining, with wet roads and there really was no reason to skip class. Off I went and I’m glad I did, because when I woke up and slid the curtain on the door aside to check and see how much snow we got, there wasn’t any snow, but “franticness” was pressed up against the door, wanting to come in. Ah! Fear and panic started creeping into my stomach – no! I was done with that yesterday.
Except…..I did say it was new, and I’m gaining. Sometimes when we’re learning something new, the excitement of mastery wanes the next day. I went right to my morning meditation and the sentence that jumped out at me was – “you stand at a gateway now”.
I don’t know whether to be happy or scared. A gateway is an awesome thing to be standing in front of. It represents uncharted territory. It beckons. It frightens. It evokes curious excitement. It means I’m going to approach life in a different way as soon as I step through it. My yoga practice has caused deep change within me lately, so it is only fitting that I am standing at a gateway.
But I’m so glad I went to class, because today my instructor said, “Change your thoughts, change your thinking right down to your very cells.” As I lay in stillness between poses, I likened this to a car. Put the blinker on to turn right, turn the wheel right, and the whole car goes right. Think “franticness”, feel panic and fear, begin going down an old path your yoga just saved you from. Focus on yourself in the mirror. Conquer the breath. Feel stillness. Feel your energy coming from within, feel nothing can come in from the outside and bother your body or your mind. Change your thoughts, change your thinking.
I can still hear Bikram in the back of my mind saying “Never-mind all your problems – just come to yoga everyday and I fix all screws loose in your head!”
And I’ll be damned – here I stand 15 weeks later, and….he is!
I just got his new book – Bikram Yoga, and it’s better than the first one. He attends to the spiritual aspect way more than he did in book one. The chapter I’m on now is “Bitter Truths”. He’s pretty honest, and I hate to say it, he’s right.
Here’s a sample:
“Without solid grounding in yoga, you have not yet learned to master your ego-controlled mind. One of the worst of those problems is anger. So many people are so angry, and this is true all over the world. If the traffic is a little slow, they get mad. Somebody cuts in front of them in line, they get into a fight. They hold grudges, and families feud.
If there is no moderation within your mind, no balance of biochemistry through the sustained practice of yoga, every fraction of a second you are disturbed by something or somebody around you. Anything can make you fly off the handle or spiral down into the abyss of depression. The physical symptoms of this mental imbalance are a grim checklist of the most common American ailments: depression, heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, cancer, gastrointestinal disorders, obesity.
Psychiatrists in the US write millions of prescriptions for Prozac and other psychoactive drugs every year. Do you need these? No! All they do is put the brain to sleep, put you in a waking coma; they don’t solve the problem.
You created this mess and it’s up to you to fix it. As we say in India, if you dig a canal and invite a crocodile into your bed, don’t blame the crocodile when he bites your ass! Is everybody and everything so great in India? Of course not! I’ve just told you of some of the terrible problems we have there, not the least of which is trying to feed over a billion people. And we practically invented the concept of discrimination with the caste system, which is a terrible thing. But we are survivors, and to deal with our problems, we’ve developed a system that let’s us find peace within no matter what the conditions are around us. In India it is said that when a yogi is meditating, an atom bomb detonating could not distract him. Instead, the yogi would swallow the explosion and digest it. That is the power of yoga.”
Wow. To hold that kind of power within is way better than Prozac. And way simpler than taking Prozac or any other drug for either physical or mental ailments. Do the 26 poses everyday and change your body, change your mind, change your life. And we spend billions of dollars in labs looking in vain for cures to all that ails us when it doesn’t cost anything and has been right under our very noses all along.
Why do I believe this? Because twice this week I caught myself in slow traffic and without thinking, I took a breath, sat back, turned up the music and actually didn’t mind cutting people some slack. Again, because the yoga has changed me, it was a natural reaction instead of a conscious act.
Bikram IS right. We need to conquer our ego and do it everyday in small ways. Stop trying to teach people lessons. That’s not our purpose in life. Stop trying to push in front and have the right of way for ourselves. Step back. Understand others hurt and mess up. Stop the fighting and anger. Connect. Communicate. It’s all about how we respond to each other in a hard time. The power to do all this lies in our yoga practice. I don’t know about you, but I want the power to “swallow the explosion and digest it”.
And so, as another day goes by, I can’t wait to get to the next chapter, and … I have written.
January 11th, 2011 Today in yoga class, my instructor commented that I was so focused she couldn’t get me to move during the poses at all. She said I could stay in them all day and I must have gotten all that patience from teaching Pre-schoolers. Then after class, someone said to me, “Wow, you must have mastered the breath, then” I stopped and said, “You know what, I think I have. The “franticness” is gone.”
I was remembering when I started last September, panic attacks, not being able to breath, almost passing out and having to take frequent knees in class was an occurrence at least three times a week. Now I can’t remember the last time I felt any one of this things. I have since learned to find the stillness in each pose and stay there, breathing normally. No more flopping all over and holding muscles tight and doing alot of extra work that stole my breath. My focus. My peace. My stillness. My serenity.
Now, today, stopping to think, this really has translated over into my life. From as far back as I can remember, “franticness” over loss and insecurity ruled my life. As a young child, I was very afraid of losing my toys and my parents. This translated into adulthood by always thinking Am I good enough? Do they like me? Maybe if I try to be like everyone else, I’ll be good enough and they’ll like me and they won’t leave me. In every relationship I ever had I simply could not stand conflict or fighting, and when it occurred, I’d frantically run this way and that, trying to fix it, trying to make everyone happy again. I always had the feeling that if I couldn’t fix it, it’s the end of my world. Needless to say, now, looking back on this, I lead a very stressful personal life, brought on my my own twisted thinking.
Within the last 6 months I’ve had to deal with major loss, and I must say I haven’t done a real good job with that. I was experiencing my usual “franticness” and driving those close to me a little crazy. I was running this way and that, clutching everything and everyone in sight in a death grip. Needless to say, I’ve caused major conflict lately with those close to me as a result of this, but thankfully, due to the yoga, I am not continuing down my old paths.
If this had happened a year ago, I’d be frantically going from this one to that one desperately trying to fix it. It would consume me and keep me from focusing on anything else in my life until it was “fixed”. I would not eat and I’d lose sleep frantically trying to hang on to things I feared losing. I remember the hours of stress and tears.
Now, one year later, I am a totally different person. These last 15 weeks of yoga have changed something inside me where my energy evolves from. My energy and lifeblood no longer come from the outside world. They come from within my own heart. Nothing can no longer come from outside and bother my body or my mind. The loss of my mom, the fear of losing others in my life, the insecurity of wondering if who I am is enough, are all things that no longer cause panic, fear, and “franticness”. I’m slowly realizing that who I am is enough, and that in turn makes a huge difference in how I now handle conflict. It’s new territory, but I’m gaining on it.
I no longer look at things that have been done to me as intended to hurt me. No one intends to hurt me. When the flash of hurt and anger flood through me, I now stop and realize even though something makes me feel bad or sad, it’s not intended to hurt me. I trust the people close to me to always have good intentions, and what looks like hurting to me, is really about them trying to send me a message. If I just sit quietly and listen for it instead of participating in the
“franticness”, this ride through the rest of my life will be so much smoother than it’s ever been. I’d just like to know where this yoga was when I was raising two little kids and working full time? My life would’ve been so much easier.
Losing the “franticness” has caused me to see my life in a different way and how I choose to spend it. I will tell the people who I hold close that I love them. I will apologize when I mess up and unintentionally hurt them, but I will then move on and give them the freedom to “fix it” if they want to – not frantically keep trying to fix it myself. When I fear someone has wronged me, I will pull back and realize that was not the intention and refuse once again to participate in the franticness.
It sounds like I’ve made conscious decisions to live in this manner, but, in fact, that is not the case. Through the yoga this has just evolved. Just as my excellent sleeping and eating habits, etc. were not conscious choices. They just happened by doing the yoga everyday, just as the “franticness” stopped and I didn’t realize it until that person today pointed out that I mastered the breath. It was like something snapped into place inside me. I’m glad the “franticness” is gone – I don’t miss it. I do enjoy being calm and centered, and the sleeping…. Yes, the sleeping is the best – instead of staying up all hours trying to fix everything that’s wrong in my world. This is just one more example of how Bikram fixes the “screws loose in my head”.
And so, as another day goes by, Bikram was right when he said,”Just do your yoga everyday, I fix all your problems”, and ….. I have written.
January 10th, 2011 The Arizona shooting that happened over the weekend has altered many lives in many families. Such tragic loss, so much heartbreak and tears for innocent people who did nothing but go to the grocery store on a Saturday morning.
Once again we are reminded not to take a minute of the life we are given for granted because in less than the blink of an eye we could lose all that we hold precious. My heart is heavy today watching the anguish those families are experiencing play out in the morning news. Every mother and father, husband and wife, brother and sister, and friend of all the victims are all reliving the last moments they spent and the last words they shared with people that meant everything to them.
Today, at 11am, is a nationwide moment of silence. If you miss it, take time to have your own moment in honor of all the victims and the loved ones they left behind. Then, as you raise your head to resume your day, think of the people who mean the most to you and what was the last thing you said to them. If it wasn’t “I love you”, be glad, because you still have the chance to say it to them. Call them, text them, email them, or just walk into the next room and hug them, but take this chance that you still have to say those three important words to those who hold your heart and soul. This is one time to be thankful for technology because we never have to be too far away from those we love. I never send a message or send a person away without an I love you or at least an xox, because a trip to Walmart today might take away a chance I can never get back to express the love I feel. Tragedy is tragic and traumatic enough without adding words unspoken to it.
As we sit in our moment of silence today, put aside all that we thought was important and focus on what really is.
And so, as another day goes by, my heart feels for those affected by this tragedy and holds so much love for those important in my life, and… I consider it a privilege, today, to have been given the chance once again to say…I have written.
January 9th, 2011 I’m reading a book suggested to me by my daughter, Erin. It’s called The Book Of Awakening by Mark Nepo. It’s a daily meditation book from Oprah’s book list.
Yesterday’s passage dealt with pearl divers. This one little excerpt illustrates what REAL friendship is all about. The title was We Must Take Turns. Sounds like what we all learned in kindergarten doesn’t it? And yet, here we are all grown up and still working on it. If you have a friendship that is built on good intentions and are a “fixer” like me, you will deeply appreciate this. It has brought me much comfort and clarity in loving and supporting those close to me.
“We must take turns
diving into all there is
and counting time. “
“The gift and responsibility of relationship is to take turns doing the dishes and putting up the storm windows, giving the other the chance to dive for God without worrying about dinner. While one explores the inner, the other must tend the outer.” (I believe today we call this “giving each other space”, but I have never seen it so poignantly explained as in this passage – and so helpful to “fixers”, like me)
“A great model of this is how pearl divers search the deep in pairs. Without scuba divers or regulators, one waits at the surface tending the lines tied to the other who soft steps the sand searching for treasures he hopes he’ll recognize.
He walks the bottom watching the leaves of vegetation sway and sways himself until she tugs the chord. He swallows the little air left as he ascends. Aboard they talk for hours about what was seen, rubbing the rough and natural pearl. In the morning, she dives and fills their baskets, and he counts the time, hands wrapped around her line.
Quite plainly these pearl divers show us the of work of being together and the miracle of trust. We must take turns, whoever is on the surface must count the airtime left, so the one who is below can dive freely.”
I promise, as an impatient “fixer” to stop trying to make it better. I promise to give my loved ones the gift of time they need to dive freely. I will stand holding the line and counting the time, hoping they feel the trust and safety to be found in our relationship.
And so, as another day goes by, I have realized things that are right and true grow over time and I must put in my time, and…. I have written.
January 8th, 2011 Expressing emotion is different for everyone. Some people are yellers. They just need to burst and get it out. Some people are thinkers. They just need to crawl away by themselves and ponder their way through it. Some people are artists. They will draw, paint, write, or sing about their plights. Some people are talkers. They will seek out a best friend and pour out their heart. Me, I’m a crier. Every emotion I feel comes out in tears. While all of us employ all the above at one time or another to navigate our emotional rivers to some extent, one vehicle usually dominates. For me, it’s tears.
When I cry, my tears are clear to the naked eye, but when the sun hits them just right as they stream down my face, they act like a prism and separate into the colors that reveal the real me. I cry beautiful, blue tears in moments of quiet serenity when I’m feeling love for those close to me. I cry awesome yellow tears when I watch my children achieve another major milestone in their lives. I cry great, big, green crocodile tears when torn by extreme sadness brought on by loss too painful to talk about. I cry fiery red tears when anger over wrong-doing consumes me. I cry frightened orange tears when faced with confusion and the only place to find the answers is within. I cry the most striking violet tears when gazing on beauty fashioned by God’s hand reflected in the skies and oceans. I cry gorgeous pink tears when a heart to heart connection is made, deep sharing takes place or a new friendship is formed. My color pallet is varied and reflects the many feelings and emotions I am made up of. I find extreme comfort and release in my tears. Some may call me weak for being a crier instead of maybe a yeller. I may appear not able to stand up for myself or not be able to “take it”. Those that think this miss the secret the tears hold. Tears hold quiet strength. Tears give clarity. Tears flow straight from the deepest recesses of our very being and transform abstract feeling into something tangible to remind me I’m very much alive and in touch with my world.
There is one color tear I never cry. I never cry black tears. Black is the absence of color. To cry black tears would mean I was devoid of emotion and feeling. It would mean I was heading down the black hole where the only comfort lies in black substances used to medicate and close off feeling. Black tears offer no strength. Strength lies in the colored tears that keep me connected to myself, the people in my life presently, and to the people in my life who have left this earth.
Tears are the water of life. Don’t mock them. Don’t be afraid of them. And, above all, don’t hold them back.
And so, as another winter day goes by, I will embrace my tears, and….I have written.
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