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January 7th, 2011 Bruno Mars absolutely rocks! Doo-wops & Hooligans is a great listen! I listened to it on my beachwalk yesterday and I was surprised and impressed. So much so, I played it on my road trip today, and was further impressed.
This is some of the best new music to come out in a long time. Every song, with maybe the exception of one, could be my favorite. Unlike most artists, where they have a certain style and one song is not too different from another, Mars represents quite a few different types of music on this album. A little pop, a little dance, a bit of reggae, and a touch of rap are all present, making for delightful listening. Get it and get into it….I think you, too, might be surprised … or at least entertained if you’re bored.
And so, as another day goes by, my iPod is rockin’ away, and….I have written.
January 6th, 2011 I believe that in the scope of the world, when someone does something wrong or hurts someone, 85% of the time it isn’t intentional. In my world, 100% of the time it’s not intentional, because in my small circle of family and friends I do not know one single person that sets off on a path to intentionally hurt someone else. Like Facebook, I have a delete button and if I sense a person who’s intention is evil or dishonest has entered my world, I use it.
Second chance is something all of us, at one time or another, have wished for. I do not believe in second chances. Second chance implies that if it happens again, the relationship is over. Rather I like “another chance” because if what you did is out of love or a consequence of your personality, chances are, you are going to do it again. It is here our inner circle is formed. The people in your “inner circle” get this. These individuals don’t let you get away with your crimes, they call you on them. They give you time to back away and realize you made a mistake. They also realize you’re probably going to make that mistake again, but not quite in the same way because you will take and learn from it this time. You and your inner circle are very tolerant people, but knowing all of this doesn’t make messing up with people you love any easier.
When I mess up with people I love it’s ALWAYS unintentional, but the frustrating part is, with me, it’s through such naivety. I never see the bombs coming and I’m always blindsided. Even when I learn from, then go on and repeat the same mistake later on down the road, I never see it coming until one foot steps into the circle of rope on the ground that I was completely oblivious to, and in seconds I’m hanging upside-down from the tree, stunned as to how I got there AGAIN.
The word sorry, which is supposed to get you out of the tree, is overrated. It doesn’t work. You can say it til you’re blue in the face, but because you’re inner circle knows you so well, they’re gonna say uh-uh, honey, not that simple. Sorry is something you say when you bump into someone at the store. This also frustrates me. I’m the kind of person who is so devastated that I did something bad to someone in the first place, that I want to run and fix it right away. One of my children even calls me “the fixer”.
The problem with being a “fixer” is that it does not allow the wronged individual the time they need to digest your actions and intentions, and if you’re a fixer you need to put time in the proverbial doghouse. Needless to say, I spend alot of time in there. I’m probably even responsible for furnishing it. In the doghouse you learn patience. Something “fixers”, when in a conflict situation, are very short on because they want to make the other person feel better right away and they want quick absolution for their crime. In another words, they want the world right again for all involved.
This can be a problem if a member of your inner circle, whom you have unintentionally wronged, is a “carrier”. They work opposite the fixer. They need oodles of time to carry around, digest and absorb your crime, and eventually let the water wash it away. That’s their nature, just as being a fixer is yours. Lessons of tolerance for each others’ way of managing conflict abound, here, in the doghouse.
Underneath all of this lies one precious diamond your inner circle holds onto. Unconditional love. The center of the wheel. Each person in the inner circle is a spoke on a wheel and unconditional love is the hub. As different as each of you are as people and in the manner in which you live your life, you all hold one thing in common. Unconditional love. Within the rim of this wheel, you are allowed to mess up and not be perfect, and you will still be loved by all the other spokes. And in turn you will be tolerant of those who manage conflict differently than you do, and because you love them unconditionally, you will learn patience for the way they choose to live and love.
My inner circle doesn’t leave me in the tree forever, screaming “Hey, feel sorry for me, dammit!”. It’s just depends which one of them has to eventually come and cut me down. Some just walk up, whip out the knife, swiftly cut the rope and I thud to the ground. By the time I stand up, they’re walking away saying “Just try not going there again, ok?”. Others actually support me on their shoulders as they cut the rope, and we both go tumbling to the ground, crying and laughing as we walk away. Still others actually bring a ladder, cut the rope, and hold my hand on the way down. Then they solemnly lead me to the doghouse and help me clean it up and ready it for my next visit. In all cases, a relationship has been moved forward.
Doesn’t matter whose who. I have need for the uniqueness each brings to my life. All that matters is that unconditional love is the hub of my inner circle and, NO MATTER WHAT, we always believe the best about each other.
At the end of the day, I hope you have an inner circle like I do. Navigating this thing we call life is tough and no one should have to go it alone. Take time to appreciate those in your inner circle. They will save you over and over from yourself.
And so, as another day goes by, I tell God thanks for the inner circle He’s provided for me, and….I have written.
January 5th, 2011 Today I miss teaching more than ever. I walked into yoga and my instructor was really anxious about her first child starting school. I told her (as a kindergarten teacher of 35 years) that both she and her son would be okay. I said I’ve known you and your child for over thirty years and there wasn’t a one of you that wasn’t okay.
The first day of school is a most painful experience for moms. You hand them their lunchbox, put them on the bus, go in the house and your heart is in pieces all over the livingroom. As you pick up the pieces you cry and tell yourself this is right and necessary. They’ve got to go out there and do it on their own. You’re confident you’ve given them all you had and they can now deal with life beyond your backyard. All you can do all day until that bus pulls back up at three o’clock is pray and ask that an angel be on their shoulder.
The next “first day” that rips your heart out is leaving them at college. Now you’ve had 18 years to give them all you’ve got to survive in the adult world, and you have to believe you emptied the attic, the basement, and every closet. This time they’re not coming home at 3 o’clock and you’ve got alot of nights to sit up and pray that that same angel lives in that dorm room with them. Once again, when you get home, your heart is in pieces, not only all over the livingroom, but down the hall and into their bedroom, and in the diningroom where their pictures are hung, and in the bathroom where you find the wet towel on the floor that they used that morning. No one but a mother understands an empty house with pieces of her children all over it mixed with the pieces of her heart.
And just when we think they are sinking out there in the world, being tossed about on an angry sea and you want to rush to save them, you look up and there they are, flying steady and strong on their own.
Only a mom’s heart knows the hardest part of love is letting go……
If you are a mom reading this, please go download The Hardest Part of Love by Jane Olivor, grab a box of tissues and sit down and cry with me. We will all be okay.
And so, as another day goes by, my beautiful girls are flying strong, and …I have written.
January 5th, 2011 I have watched The Talk since the first day it came on in September. On days I’m not home in the afternoon, I DVR it, which is unusual for me to do with a daily show because I hate collecting them and having them build up if I don’t watch them. The first 20 minutes of this show where the five women just sit and talk live, about a question Julie throws out, is the absolute, hands down, best 20 minutes of TV I watch.
Through those 20 minute segments Julie has shared much about her home life and her relationship with her husband, the CEO of CBS. I find both of them, as a couple, impressive. People in their profession and level of success are seldom able to achieve the down to Earth and harmonious home life that they have.
Today’s question was: Can a man and a woman be “just friends”? Julie said, “No, it’s not possible”. The others asked if she had men friends. She said, “No! My husband is my best friend and that’s the way I want it. I don’t even have any men friends”. (“Friends” meaning men you call up and confide in, not just men you work with or are acquainted with) The others commented that she was very traditional. She said, “My husband describes it this way: He says Jules, one thing I love about you is that you dress and look very westernized, but you are your mother’s daughter and have very traditional Chinese values”. Their relationship always makes me feel so good whenever she shares about it. Today, I puzzled why this was so.
Well, in the past two months, two people have said to me, “Linda, you have a wonderful husband of 35 years who loves you very much”. The tone of their comment intimated that I didn’t know this and I should be doing something about it. I couldn’t understand why they were telling me this. I kind of thought if two people are married for 35 years, isn’t it just a given that they are best friends? Apparently after watching the show today, that’s not so, and it also takes people by some level of surprise when they meet my husband and me.
Now, some might say, well if people feel they have to tell you that, you must not be showing it. Sorry, when you’re married for 35 years and you have been each other’s best friend since you were 17, it really is a given. Not only is it a given, it’s a lifestyle, my lifestyle, that I live every minute of everyday. I, too, like Julie, have no men friends, my husband is my best friend, and that’s how I want it. It feels good to be validated by someone I admire.
Other mentions Julie has made about life with her husband I also share in our relationship. She said one day,”We don’t fight. I could probably count 5 times when we’ve ever had anything close to a fight. We just talk. ” The other four women were astounded. It was like FIGHTING was a given in a marriage. I was so happy Julie shared that, because it’s that way for us, too, and many people, just like the other 4 hosts, can’t wrap their heads around that.
I am blessed to have such a wonderful life partner. The things I have asked of him over the last 35 years I’m not sure there are many men who would put themselves aside and just totally be there for me like he did. My husband has always given me the freedom to think, act, and move through my life as I saw fit. If he had an opinion, he’d always preface it by, “I’ll never tell you what to do, but this is what I think”. I don’t think there’s another quality I have appreciated more over the years, because if you can achieve freedom within a relationship, the possibilities of things for you to accomplish as a couple are endless. When it comes to family and children, we act, talk, and think as a team. Our girls always get both of us, working as a team, and that has been so important over the years because there are things I can give them that he can’t and there are things only he, from the male point of view, can give them that I can’t, and, as a team, we have formed life-long bonds with them and provided a home and security they can always count on, no matter how far they roam or the trouble they get into. No small feat in this day and age, and I KNOW, from the very core of my being I could’ve never done it without him.
The fact that he does all the cooking, does his own laundry, etc. is an extra perk for me, but the real heart of our relationship lies in the fact that we are each other’s best friends and all else flows easily from there. In 35 years we have never disrespected each other, even in a heated debate, we never attacked each other’s person, (I did, in a fit of rebelliousness one time, try that, but when I saw how deeply he was affected by it, I vowed never to go down that road again) and I do firmly believe this was the contributing factor, over all these years, that always let us see and respect each other’s viewpoints and avoid knock down, drag outs altogether.
I guess some don’t realize our relationship IS our lifestyle and it’s weird to me that 2 people felt the need to say that in the last few weeks, because when the day is done, he is me and I am him, and we sit together, over some cheap wine, and solve the problems of the world.
And so, as another day goes by, I take comfort and find joy in knowing Julie is NOT a rockstar, but my husband really IS, and….I have written.
January 4th, 2011 ….especially when it comes to letting go of major things in your life. You know you have to do it. In fact, you probably talk to yourself for weeks or months about it. You know deep inside the day is coming, and you spend alot of time saying “I’m going to let that go”. Again, easier said than done. You only get so much time to set it in motion, and if you drag your feet, then God and the universe take over. The movement starts small and slow.
At first it starts out with a tiny feeling that something is not quite right in an area of your life. Then sound bites start drifting in here and there and you begin to get uneasy. The sound bites turn into full blown sentences coming from people who love you, but are trying to tell you subtly that it’s time to make the major break, but you deny it, refusing to listen. Now God enters the picture. He creates small incidents and gently tries to guide you toward the edge of the cliff that you must jump off of and really really trust that it’s gonna be okay. Do you listen so this “letting go” will be less painful and a bit easier for everyone involved? No. You still harbor tons of fear and feel safer denying the whole thing. There’s nothing wrong with this, as it’s just basic human nature to want to stay safe, both on the outside AND on the inside. Just because it’s basic human nature still doesn’t mean it isn’t going to happen whether you fight it or not. The only difference is how hard or how easy you’re going make it. If it’s a small area of your life, you eventually give in and give it to God and tell him you’re done fighting, put down the gloves, and walk away.
When you have to let go of something major – that’s been a daily part of your life for a long time, that’s a different story. It’s gonna take a major hurricane to wipe away that which you are holding onto so tightly. It’s almost as if God steps in, renders you completely powerless, and there you are, one year old again, standing at the top of the cellar stairs as your dad throws your bottle down the stairs and you watch it crash at the bottom. Over. Done. Quick. Clean. You had no choice. What had to be, had to be.
As you turn and walk away, it’s utter devastation all around you and you enter a numb-like place, where you sit until the shock wears off. Once you return to the place of feeling again, you begin to look around at the devastation, really look. You actually find pieces of things that used to be, and instead of grieving the loss, you begin to find meaning and make sense of what just happened out of these pieces. You actually turn to God and say thank you for taking it right out of your hands and rendering you powerless.
Bad things happen, but some good always follows in their wake. Out of acres of burnt, fire ravaged land, a new green shoot begins to sprout. Just when you thought a piece of your life was obliterated, new life begins in that spot. Not the same life, but good, and in most cases better and healthier. You look at God again and say, “Okay, I’ll go with it.” and right then and there you know you’re going to be okay. You know everyone involved is going to be ok. Slowly you begin to realize, it’s going to be different, but actually better. Your world has been rearranged and it’s time to walk a new path. How fitting for the fourth day of a new year. God’s timing is impeccable.
2010 has been a year of tremendous loss for me, and I’m hoping 2011 will be a year of new gains. The hurricane has passed. The process of letting go is in motion. I’m rooting around in my emergency kit I packed yesterday to deal with the drama.
And so, as another day goes by, I know I’m going to be okay, and….I have written.
January 3rd, 2011 For my third resolution this year, I had the inane idea that the way to a simpler life was through no drama. I decided I would be very careful not to create drama in my life and therefore live in perfect peace and harmony. Just who did I think I was kidding?
I decided this idea needed a little more thought. What we call drama is actually the energy of the universe and without it none of us would move forward in our lives. Sort of like the pyramid display of oranges in the grocery store. If no one touches it, it won't move or change, but if someone takes just one orange out of the side – bang! – they all come tumbling out all over the floor. Two women helping pick them up discover they are long lost friends. Two strangers reach for the same orange, bump into each other, one says, "Sorry! I…." and a new relationship has begun. Everyone, including the oranges, have moved forward because of drama.
In yoga today my instructor said life is like the camel pose. You're wobbling, choking, feeling a little sick, hurting, getting dizzy, but what do you do when you're overwhelmed by the drama being caused by the pose? You push your hips toward the mirror and push through it. When it's over, your spent, but you reap the benefits. You are way better off than if you didn't come to class and do the camel pose.
So…… drama. It makes you feel like you do when your in the camel pose, but you have moved forward and are better off for having had it in your life, even though you're totally spent afterward. Now I need to revise my third resolution.
They way to a simpler life is to have an emergency kit ready for the drama that is inevitably going to cross your path and move you forward. In it I would put these things I received from a friend for New Year's:
1.Toothpick … to remind you to pick the good qualities in everyone, including yourself.
2.Rubber band … to remind you to be flexible. Things might not always go the way you want, but it can be worked out.
3.Band-Aid … to remind you to heal hurt feelings, either yours or someone else's.
4.Eraser … to remind you everyone makes mistakes. That's okay, we learn by our errors.
5.Candy Kiss … to remind you everyone needs a hug or a compliment every day.
6.Mint … to remind you that you are worth a mint to your family & friends.
7.Bubble Gum … to remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish anything.
8.Pencil … to remind you to list your blessings every day.
9.Tea Bag … to remind you to take time to relax daily.
This is what makes life simpler. Resolving to have no drama in your life during 2011 is just setting yourself up for failure. Being prepared to face it and handle it in a healthy, rational way is the way to restore peace and harmony in your life. When it's over, you will be spent, but you will have moved forward.
And so, as another day goes by, I will assemble my emergency kit, and…I have written.
January 2nd, 2011 New Year’s Eve in Houston was awesome, but it was good to get home today. Waking into my house with the familiar sights and sounds gave me an instant peaceful feeling. Time to wake up tomorrow and begin life in 2011 after being away for 4 days. I look forward to waking up in my bed, making my tea, settling in my rocker for the early show, and getting ready for yoga. I miss my yoga room and my friends I’ve made there. My body is craving the familiar poses. I can’t wait to resume my daily routine after 4 days on planes, in hotels, and partying.
The feeling of home is, indeed, sweet. My second resolution, after putting down parcels to unlock the door (which will teach me to slow down), is to appreciate my home a little bit each day. At some point during the day I will point out something in my home or yard that makes me feel good, and pause and thank God for it. This will teach me the appreciation of the little things in life.
And so, as another day goes by, I’m on my way to a simpler life in 2011, and…I have written.
January 1st, 2011 I always arrive home with at least 5 or 6 things to carry from the car to the house. Groceries, yoga mat, bag, bottle of water (usually without a top) etc. My house key is attached to my wallet looped around my wrist. I approach the door and usually manage to open the storm door without putting anything down. Then, hands still full, I attempt to grab the key dangling from my wrist, put it the hole, twist it and push the door open, enter the kitchen and put everything on the counter, without dropping anything. I risk alot doing this, as sometimes my grocery bags contain glass containers that would make a huge mess and break things I just paid for, but yet I continue to do this day after day.
This summer I pushed it too far. I was painting the front porch and had the gallon of white paint sitting on the ladder. Time came to move the ladder, and even though I told myself I should put the paint on the ground first, I continued to move the ladder without doing so and sure enough, it got caught on the porch floor and the whole can of paint flew off the ladder and spilled onto the concrete, creating a huge white pool. My mouth just hung open in shock and surprise, like I never expected this could happen. Now, because of my ego and haste, I had a really big mess to clean up. I stood there and surveyed the situation. The paint can was completely upside-down, trapping still more paint inside. I had no choice but to right the can and increase the huge white pool that was now beginning to run over the edge of the porch. The paint was very thick – almost gel like. I got the idea that if I put gloves on I could actually scoop it up with my hands and put it back in the can. It worked. I was actually able to save over half a gallon of paint, but I still had a white mess on the concrete. My next idea was to fill huge bowls with hot water and carry it out and pour it over the big stain. After many trips with the hot water, the stain was finally gone. Only then did I realize that by taking the two seconds to put the can on the ground before moving the ladder, I could’ve been done painting the porch in the time it took to clean up the mess.
But did learn from it? No. I continue to refuse to make two trips from the car or put the parcels down to unlock the door. One of these days it’s going to cost me alot and what I drop is going to be irreplaceable.
And so, as another day goes by, beginning this brand new year, I will put down that which I carry, then enter, taking only what I need inside, and….for the first time in 2011, I have written.
December 31st, 2010 Just when you think your life is smoothing out and you start settling in for a calm stretch, an obstacle appears in your path. Sometimes it crashes in front of you with a bang! Sometimes it seems to grow overnight and you wake up and there it is. Other times it creeps up slowly and you watch it grow, but keep denying it’s there.
In all cases – oops – there it is. It takes on many forms, too. It can be like a huge snowman – do you smash it to smithereens or do you just do nothing until it melts away. It can also appear like a maze, where you wander through it day after day, turning first this way, then that, always searching for the way out. Then there’s the huge stairway where the stairs are as high as your hip and you have to actually push yourself up with your hands and hoist yourself up on each one. You get so tired. You get on top, stand up and look up and the number of stairs seems to go to the sky, overwhelming you to the point of asking yourself if it’s worth it.
It’s always worth it. Throughout the years I’ve learned a few things about these obstacles. Being worth it is one. That fact that there’s always an end, a solution, a resolution, is another. The snowman eventually melts away and green grass remains. You accidentally fall out the back door of the maze and everything is clear again. The stairs are the hardest. You persist and learn patience and hard work along the way, but one day you stand up and when you look up, there’s no more stairs. You’re next to the sun. You feel the warmth and the sweet relief that “it’s finally over”.
I have decided to approach this new year and all it’s inevitable obstacles with tolerance. One might ask why tolerance as opposed to strength. I have found the strength to overcome big things comes from the amount of tolerance we practice both with ourselves and with others as we move toward our solutions. It would be unrealistic to hope for a year with no big things to overcome, so it’s best to have a plan in place before 2011 scoops us up and carries us on a new journey this year. Realizing that overcoming big things is what moves us along the conveyor belt of life, makes us more tolerant of the messes we get ourselves into. Being tolerant affords us some serenity, finding peace in the fact that “it’s not the end of the world” and “this too, shall pass”.
Whether it’s the snowman, the maze, or the dreaded stairs that I will be called upon to face in the months to come, I’m going be tolerant of the space and time I need to work through each one, knowing that it’s “necessary”and I will be a better person for it by the time 2012 gets here.
I want to take this time to wish all my readers a very happy new year tonight. Be kind, be gentle, be tolerant of those important in your life, but most of all, extend that tolerance to yourself.
And so, as another day goes by, it takes with it yet another year, and….for the last time this year…I have written.
December 30th, 2010 All thoughts and actions will be reported today via facebook as our adventure progresses!
And so, as another day is moving by, I am writing!!!!
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