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December 29th, 2010 The bag is packed. (One of challenges of my life this week – travel to somewhere where the temperature could be from 25 to 75 degrees, and attend an outdoor New Year’s Eve party and try to fit all four seasons in my carry on.)
The boarding passes are printed – now to get to bed and get up and get to the airport that has people camping out since Sunday and lines longer than my street.
Escaping the cold snow covered northeast and flying south seems like a good way to begin the new year. There was alot of cold in 2010 that I won’t mind leaving behind. There were also lessons learned, viewpoints changed, and emotions expressed that will make life in 2011 different. I am a different person because of 2010, and, I hope, a better one for having lived the year.
And so, as another day goes by, I will head south in search of some warmth, and….I have written.
December 28th, 2010 Today I did three things – went to yoga, took a nap, and then went to the movies, and I did it all without doing any REAL thinking. I think now that this was a good thing. My mind took an unauthorized holiday vacation, and I kind of liked it. Going to bed soon, relaxed, happy and looking forward to our New Years trip to Houston. (Gonna find some warm weather if it kills me!)
And so, as another day goes by, going to say prayers of thanks tonight, and …I have written.
December 27th, 2010 To me destiny is a future thing, like a goal, but today I came across something that said our destiny is now. For a person like me who always has to be cleaning or building something, that’s kind of hard to wrap my brain around. I’m a believer of enjoying the journey, which is today, but destiny is a destination, the future thing – like the clean closet or the finished writing piece, or the built dresser and I get energy from looking forward to it.
I kind of like having the journey separate from the destination. I like having both. I like the hope destiny provides and I like the satisfaction and inspiration the journey brings. Today is my destiny? I think not. I’m so not done yet. I have alot of journey to enjoy, while destiny holds hope for my future.
And so, as another day goes by, I will enjoy my journey, look forward to my destiny, and …I have written.
December 25th, 2010 ….to all of my readers tonight. I hope you all had an amazing day with your family and the true meaning of Xmas prevails in your home tonight. As the day comes to a close, I have so many things to be thankful for – one being the noise and laughter coming down my stairway as the girls unpack their stuff and settle in. At 25 & 29 they might as well be 5 & 9 as they yell “Ma!” for this or that and squabble over who gets what space. It’s nice. The noise in an otherwise quiet house, returns. For this, I am thankful.
Hubby is putting his stuff away and told them no presents until 8:30! Just like old times, except this time we are having Xmas night instead of Xmas morning, and it is our first Xmas in what is now our home, at the cape.
This has been a tough year with the loss of my mom, and it’s time for new traditions and new beginnings. As hard as it was not being able to tell my mom about this Xmas here at our house, I truly feel the peace as change slowly takes place and the torch gently gets passed to the next generation. Now I am the mom. I have three beautiful girls that I must now be here for, just as my mom was always here for me as I forged my path in life and built my family. Soon they will marry and build their families and I will be the grandma. Grandma. That was a nasty word to me up until this year. I now look forward to a future with their children. It replaces my sadness with hope. I accept the torch from my mom and I only hope I can do for them what she has done for me. Mom, you may be gone, but not forgotten. I will use all you taught me each day in the coming years.
And so, as another Xmas comes to an end, I will basque in peace, joy, love, and laughter tonight, and ….even on Xmas ..I have written.
December 24th, 2010 Tonight was magical…first Xmas eve ever without mom…but my sister made it special. Before we sat down for dinner, she asked all of us to join hands and read a beautiful blessing and tribute to mom. Then…it was over…and we all ate and drank and reminisced and had a wonderful time together.
My dad was amazing. Here he is with all his grandchildren. He and mom were married for 58 years. Had 4 children who married 4 awesome people. THE most amazing thing – all four of are still married to the same people and we all are the proud parents of these children in the photo. In this day and age, for 4 children to still be married to the same people is just short of a miracle, and we can only attribute that to the example set by our parents. Not only were they together 58 years, they were happy and showed us how it’s done through thick n thin. Tonight, and this photo, is a tribute to that.
And so, as another Xmas eve goes by, I am blessed to be part of an amazing legacy, and….I have written.
Merry Xmas to all and to all a g’nite!
December 23rd, 2010 My Xmas spirit this year is exactly like a tube of toothpaste at it's end. You roll it up, twist it, squeeze and push it until you extract that last amount of paste on your brush. I've squeezed and twisted and rolled and finally eked out enough Xmas spirit to venture out to the mall today to complete my shopping.
This has been such a year of loss for so many close to me. Loss of babies, loved ones, jobs, homes, relationships…the list goes on. I find myself saying have a quiet Xmas – I understand your pain. Everyone is handling their loss in different ways. Some go on as if it never happened and don't mention it very much. Others need to talk it through and rework it til it makes sense. Either way, loss is painful and it takes a toll. One's life is forever changed by the void. It's neither better or worse – it's just different, and will be forever.
Today I woke up not having my shopping done, not a clue what I was going to get anyone, not wanting to go over and visit my dad, and Xmas eve is tomorrow. Tonight I am sitting here after a great day. I suddenly knew the perfect gift for everyone, the mall wasn't crowded and parking was easy, and I found everything within the budget I had set. I arrived home in record time, happy and satisfied. Then I went to visit my dad. Started out awkward at first. We actually talked about the weather. Then he mentioned he was having computer problems. This kicked off an enjoyable three hours of fixing his Internet, setting up his Netflix, putting his email in his iPhone, logging into his online banking, and for the fun of it, showing him google. I left happy and feeling totally connected to my dad again. The house was spotless, he was in excellent spirits, and best of all there was no sign of smoking in the house. He even showed me his C Pap sleep apnea machine.
I could feel my Xmas spirit spike a bit tonight. Today was a day I approached with fear and anxiety caused by the loss of my mom. I just couldn't wrap my head around Xmas this week. I spent most of last night jumping up and down screaming "Mommy, I don't want to go!". Fortunately I have a friend who understands this behavior. Once it's out, I can think rationally. I got up, showered, dressed nicer than I have in days, and left the house by myself for a manicure and the mall. I just wanted to lose myself for a bit, and do what I needed to do. Suddenly it wasn't so bad. I felt a tiny green sprout begin to grow in my heart. Yes, it's different this year, but for the first time since mom's passing, I know I'm going to be ok – and so will everyone else.
And so, as another day goes by, I learn you can't experience gain without first experiencing loss, and….I have written.
December 22nd, 2010 When you have a burden, the kind where you walk on each day with a heaviness in your heart and you just can’t seem to let it go, is it obsession or is it constant prayer? I’ve had this feeling of carrying a rock in the pit of my stomach for days, sometimes even months. Though I’d go about my normal daily activities and carry on my relationships as though nothing were nagging at my heart, it was always there, that “something’s not right” and I just “can’t define it with words feeling”. (This is after I’ve done everything I could think of to relieve the anxiety.) I would begin to think I was obsessing over my burden and tell myself this is bad for me and I just need to let it go and not care anymore, but one day something stopped me in my tracks and caused me to take two steps backward. I stopped to think about all the times I’ve carried a burden in the past. Did I ever put it down? No. Did I ever stop caring and walk away? No. Did the burden eventually lift? Yes. Could it be that each day I spent dragging that piano up the hill (Bruno Mars video – Grenade- he nailed it!) I was really in constant prayer, constant touch with God? Those of us of the Christian faith – what if Jesus put down the cross? What if he decided carrying the cross wasn’t “good” for him and he needed to “let it go”? Maybe he didn’t because he was in constant contact with God as long as was dragging that cross around. Did his burden ever end? Yes. (ok, so the nailing part wasn’t so great, but rising and going to heaven to sit at God’s right hand was a pretty good deal) And since he supposedly died for every crime and sin committed by man, where would we be if he decided he must “rid himself of anxiety for his own good” and put down the cross?
My thoughts are two fold today. Just what if the so-called “true meaning of Xmas” were true? And what if dragging my piano up the hill each day is really constant prayer, not anxious obsession? Daunting.
And so, as another day begins to go by, I drag rocks n pianos of all kinds, and ….I have written.
December 21st, 2010 At the end of our yoga class, our instructor always encourages us to lie still in sivasana for at 5 minutes. She says it’s so important to give yourself this time. She also said something yesterday that’s really been making me think. She said if you ever got to hear Bikram speak, he’d tell you what the number one killer is. We said – heart disease? Cancer? Smoking? Obesity? And this list of guesses goes on, but none of us got it right. The answer? TIME. Time is the number one killer. Not taking the time to slow life down for what’s important, creates stress and wreaks havoc on our health. Precious minutes, hours, days, lost to this battering of ourselves, cannot ever be recouped. He said if you ever ask someone whose dying what they wish they had? They all say “more time”.
Lately, without me consciously thinking about it, “things” have become less important to me than time with the people I love. Now don’t get me wrong, if I get a gift, I actually love it. Most “things” that I now want are for the house to make it a more peaceful and comfortable place. The true gifts in my life, just for me, are the “times of my life” spent with those close to me, like the shopping day I spent with Ashley, coffee with my dad, going to see Sibohan Magnus impromptu with my hubby, three hour talks on the phone with Erin, an afternoon of coffee and Oprah with Dilana, the Lady Gaga concert and 4th of July with all three girls, etc. These are gifts of time that can never grow old, break, get thrown out, or be forgotten. I know that on my deathbed it’s these things I will remember and sorely want more of.
I refuse to let time kill me. I’m working hard to keep life, with all it’s trials, in some kind of perspective and not let myself worry away precious minutes that could be spent with someone I love, or helping to make the world a better place, or even just taking time to be kinder to myself.
I feel myself getting older, but I’m doing everything possible to make sure I have a lot of time left to do right by those I love so one day, when I’m gone, I know they’ll have everything they need to be strong, happy, people.
And so, as another day goes by, I am so looking forward to more times of my life -Xmas eve at my sister’s and New Years Eve in Texas, and…I have written.
December 20th, 2010 Cape cod (and only cape cod) is getting 8-12 in of snow. We are in the middle of a coastal storm. Lesser amounts of snow are forecasted for rest of the coast, but the cape is 60 miles out to sea so we are further in to the storm that is churning just off shore.
The coincidental part is we had this same storm last year on December 20th. I took the picture for my Christmas card during it. Earlier today I saw my neighbor shoveling her driveway and wondered why she was doing that – I didn’t think there was that much snow out there. I got home about 2pm today and have been inside ever since. Sitting here tonight listening to the wind and not being able to see out my back door, made me think again. Maybe I should go out and shovel that driveway. At first, I went out because I wanted the air and exercise. As I began shoveling, I slowly realized I had 8 inches of snow out here and by the time I reached the end of the driveway, it was covered with another two inches. That was at 8 o’clock. I’m drying my clothes and getting prepared to go back out by 11 or I’ll be in trouble tomorrow.
The storm came on a good day, though. Carrying some burdens for some friends and myself. As I shovel I think and pray for each situation. The storm makes me think of something a good friend wrote and hung on my fridge:
“Sometimes God will calm the storm
& sometimes He will let the storm rage and calms His child. “
Tonight out there with the wind and snow swirling all around me, I felt His calmness in my heart. We must continue shoveling in the midst of the storm. The steady pushing of the shovel and throwing of the snow not only makes for a clean driveway, but also for a clear mind and quiet soul. Both will be helpful in moving about through my day tomorrow.
And so, as another day goes by, God is letting the storm rage and quieting me, and…I have written.
December 19th, 2010 While sweeping the last of the leaves off the porch today, it registers that another fall is over and winter is beginning to take hold. My yard accepts this change with such grace. The ground hardens and doesn’t crave water anymore. The trees have most graciously let go of their leaves and don’t mind their winter brownness, losing their summer and fall beauty. The marsh turns all kinds of golden hues and doesn’t mind sitting alone after all the wildlife has vacated.
Mother Earth is a gracious women. She not only accepts the change of season without complaint, she weathers the hurricanes and nor’easters with inhuman strength. She sheds barely a tear at the abuse of man. In the face of constant change and battering, she continues to give back. Each spring she gives new life to enable man to feed himself and survive. She recycles her water over and over to sustain life. When we’re wet and cold with rain and snow, she brings forth the sun to warm us. And sometimes, just for a surprise, she stops us in our tracks by painting a stunning rainbow or hanging a brilliant full moon in the sky. She plods on day after day, barely skipping a beat, without a goal or and endpoint.
I think maybe Mother Earth knows the secret to living a fulfilled life. She knows the heart of life is like a great big white water rafting ride. When you sign up to go white water rafting, your goal isn’t the end of the trip. It’s letting yourself float contemplatively through the calm parts and holding on tight as you negotiate the rapids, and praying – praying hard you don’t flip the thing!
In the end, it all comes down to grace. The grace with which you accept pleasure and pain, acceptance and rejection, sheer joy and sadness, as you maneuver your raft day after day. And if by chance you do flip it, go back to your center. Look within. Then move forward with grace. Right your raft. Accept it and float on eagerly awaiting what’s around the next bend in the river. Do this, as Mother Earth does, day after day, without looking for an endpoint, because it is only today that life’s journey is truly about.
And so, as another day goes by, I think tomorrow I may clean the inside of the house and see where that takes me, and….I have written.
*this blog was inspired by a question posed to me yesterday by my good friend, Holli Hartman. Thank you, Holli, for, as you have for the past 4 years, keeping me on my toes and thinking! I love you, girl!
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