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December 18th, 2010 Sometimes in certain life situations, you need to do nothing. If you are a person like me, who likes everything right with everybody in your world, nothing is the last thing you’ll do. When you care too much, doing nothing is so hard, especially when you know it’s the RIGHT thing to do. If you are a “fixer” like me, to sit back, hands off, and do nothing is the most frustrating thing for you to do.
It takes a strong person to sit back and do nothing. I’m not that strong. I’m even a bit selfish at times. I do realize that it will also make me feel better to “fix it”. This is the hard part. I can’t once again make it about me. I need to put others that I care about before myself, and if nothing is what they need, then so be it – even if it makes it so hard on me, because if you’ve ever cared deeply for someone, your needs and wants will take a back seat and you will do what they need you to do – even if it is nothing.
And so, as another day goes by, nothing is my mantra, and …I have written.
December 17th, 2010 …as another day goes by, it was a wonderful day of shopping and sharing with my daughter in Boston – one on one time with your children is priceless, and…I have written only a little, because today belonged to her. Treat your children well.
December 16th, 2010 Today in yoga, my body surprised me yet again. It’s been a few weeks since I have seen any improvement in any poses. (this could have to do with all the breathing focus going on lately) In fact, I’m sure it does because yesterday and today were the first two days in awhile that I had no breathing issues and could push harder in the poses.
In forehead to knee with stretching pose, in the stretching part, you’re sitting with your legs straight out in front of you, pulling on your two big toes with your fingers. The instructor is telling you, as you lean over and try to push your chin across your thighs toward your knees, that someday you will touch your forehead to your toes. Everyday I silently laugh at that and say “yeah, right!” to myself, thinking how long it’s going to take to even make it as far as my knees.
Well, today, in the first set, I pulled really hard and held it the whole time. In the second set I did the same thing, but to my surprise, my upper body just slid forward and my chin passed my knees! I was astounded. This surprise factor is what I love about doing this. It’s such a boost to know that even when I wasn’t focusing on doing it, my body was paying attention and doing good things for itself each day, and when it was ready, it just slipped into position.
Everyday we push on through life. We work so hard at jobs, relationships, family, money, etc. and when we least expect it, it all falls into place. These times are the bright spots that make the past all worth it and the future worth moving on for.
Push on everyday. Stay open. Envision your glass half full instead of empty. You never know when it will all slip into place and your world will be right again.
And so, as another day goes by, I am inspired by my small gain today, and….I have written.
December 15th, 2010 ..and then there’s me. I get really overwhelmed by the amount of people that need help all over the world. In every town, including mine, there are people with no home, no food, dying of cancer, as well as defenseless animals and children suffering, while I have way more than I need to survive. Though I give of both my money and my time to try to bring a little comfort or a bit of joy to someone who is having a hard time, I feel as if I gave away all I had and worked until I died, the badness would just keep multiplying. Instead of gaining joy from giving, I was unknowingly experiencing anxiety from feeling I can’t do enough, I can’t help them all. I could spend hours on Facebook reading and watching all the videos and donating to all the causes, but still feel overwhelmed because I can’t get to them all. Where do I set a limit? How do eliminate the anxiety of not being able to do it all?
First I looked at my personality and the way I react and respond to things. Next I looked at the things I’m good at and figured out why I was good at them. I came up with the fact that I like systems and schedules. I operate well in framework. I decided to apply this to holiday gift giving and donating and made a plan. For every gift I buy someone, I must donate the $10 to help someone else. I picked a group here on the cape that I am impressed with. Everyday, all year, not just at Xmas, on the cover of the Cape Cod Times is a story called the Needy Fund. It helps people here on Cape in an emergency. Today money was given to a dad to repair his car so he can keep his job. I can donate online easily and read everyday about the people I’m helping. I wanted something between a $10 yearly donation and helping the whole world. This seems to fit me, and includes a system and schedule that I work so well inside of. I can’t help them all, but I know I can help more than one. As a matter of fact, I’m going to adopt it as a year round practice. Whenever I give a gift, I’ll give a donation to the Needy Fund.
It’s a terrible thing that we have to put all the badness in the world into perspective. In a perfect world, there wouldn’t be so much of it and we COULD help them all. I always think of what the great selfless helper of all time, Mother Theresa, said, “If you can’t feed them all, feed just one.”
And so, as another day goes by, I hope everyone “feeds just one”, and….I have written.
December 14th, 2010 When I opened my eyes at 5am, I smelled it. The candle nightlight was softly glowing, the early news on the tv was quietly speaking of dangerous diet pills, and I felt the coolness of the air in the house on my face in the hour before the heat kicks in to raise the temperature from its nighttime setting. That’s when I smelled it. Christmas!
It was an all too familiar moment. Since I was a child, it would always show up in early December. The cold morning with the distinct smell of Christmas in the offing. In grade school it would prompt me to sing carols and make cards. In high school it would prompt me to find the perfect gift for the current boy in my life. When it struck each year as I awoke in my college dorm, it would spark the excitement that it was almost time to go home for the holidays. During all of my teaching years, it was the best day for the children in my class. I would arrive at school with materials for a fun project, completely throwing aside our daily routine and making a huge mess. When my children were little, this would be the morning I’d start telling them about Santa and his high expectations for them in the coming weeks, and in turn they would ply me with talk of of that one thing they wanted Santa to bring them. (oh for the days when a Polly Pocket meant the world)
Now, in my retirement years, it still ignites a spark within me. I walk downstairs as the heat kicks on, and thank God for my home as I lightly stroke the railing on my way down. I pass the pictures on my family wall. While making my tea, I whisper a silent prayer of thanks for the people in my life, and I ask God to be with each one today. As I settle with my tea in front of the tv, I turn on my Christmas tree and enjoy it in the early morning hour. There is something more special about the early morning dark. I am feeling the same excitement about the holiday season that I felt as a child. Yes, there are changes in my life this year. My mom will be spending the holiday in heaven, and she will be missed, but we, as a family, won’t be torn apart. I think we will just appreciate each other more. I’m thinking of our plans to return to the Cape on Xmas day early with the girls, and have our Xmas out here with them. Time to make new traditions. Plans for New Years include a trip for my husband and I, and I am beside myself with excitement over that. Oh and shopping! Friday I am going to Boston to spend the day in the city Xmas shopping with Ashley!
That’s it! I can’t sit still. The smell of Christmas has invaded my brain, and it’s only 6 am – three hours til yoga. What will I do? Music. That’s what I’ll do to contain myself. As I switch the news to VH1, and go make a cup of Xmas coffee, I am glad the excitement of the impending holidays still moves me when I wake up to the smell of Christmas. I ask God to never let me lose that as I age, and since I still have it in retirement, there’s a pretty good chance I won’t. In future years when I wake up to the familiar smell, it will probably spark excitement over Xmas with grandchildren. Yes, it truly is a wonderful life, and I am a blessed woman.
And so, as another day begins to go by, the child within me still reigns, and…I have written.
December 12th, 2010 …came and went and I just realized I didn’t put my pen to paper. Normally I’d beat myself up a little over that, but the nature of this quiet Sunday after a whirlwind ride to and from New Hampshire yesterday, won’t let me treat myself that way today.
How many times do we make a promise and realize in horror we didn’t honor our word, usually unintentional, but nevertheless we didn’t do it? It happens. Things happen. We mess up. We get blindsided by things. We say the wrong thing. We are misunderstood. Then begins the trying to “fix it”. Before we know it, we are wasting precious energy over something that is in the past and it isn’t going to make one bit of difference whether we move on or spiral down that emotionally draining ride of trying to rectify it.
I am slowly learning to let myself off the hook so to speak. I’m practicing just saying sorry and moving on. I’m beginning to see it’s not worth wasting precious minutes of my life beating myself up or trying in vain to change something I can’t. A kinder, gentler, world starts right within our own mind and heart, with the way we treat ourselves.
And so, as another TWO days go by, I tell myself it’s okay, and..I have written.
December 10th, 2010 Dilana rocks Seabrook NH! We are here at the Chop Shop Pub. Great friends, great times, and over the top music!
Need I say more? I think not!
And so, as another day goes by, we’re gonna rock this town tonight, and ….I have written.
December 9th, 2010 My fellow Bikram yogis are going to think I’m crazy, but today I actually wanted the instructor to CLOSE the window. Our instructors are really great about being attentive to the temp in the room and open the windows and doors when appropriate.
Now that I have discovered the benefits of letting the sweat run, not wiping it, and staying as wet as if I just walked out of ocean, I also discovered the disadvantage of having the sweat dry before the class is over. Today we had another one of our new instructors, and while her class is awesome – she delivers her dialogue in a clean, solid, manner making the class so beneficial, she’s really too nice to us and opened the window next to me half way up. Now, it being only 28 degrees outside, my body immediately dried in spots during the sivasana. When it time to resume the the floor poses, the dry places felt super hot and had to start sweating all over again. It was kind of uncomfortable and took precious energy to have to resweat (a new word?)
Now opening the windows is going to cause anxiety whereas up til now, worrying if they were EVER going to open that window caused major heart fluctuation. My task now becomes finding balance, so I can be ok either way. Once again, mind over body shall prevail.
As another day goes by, my car is happily being serviced, I am seated by a comfortably cool window, and … I have written.
December 8th, 2010 Your power is slowly stolen from you in the most unlikeliest places! It starts small, like with the drops of sweat on your face during hot yoga. You wipe it. You can’t resist. More sweat. You wipe it, still can’t resist, until you become obsessed with wiping it, burned up all your rest time with movement, sending your heart into “fight or flight” mode until ultimately your sweat has stolen your power and control over your workout.
Then it moves on into the food you eat. You only drink wine on the weekend and eat a salad for lunch, but before you know it, it’s 2 glasses of wine at night and a huge sandwich at lunch and pretty soon you’ve got ten more pounds in three months and food has stolen a little more of your power.
Next, it creeps into your relationships. Some people bring you to your knees. The slightest infraction has you crying and apologizing in their wake. Instead of saying I’m sorry and moving on or saying No! I didn’t do anything wrong and let them walk if they choose to, you cling and are reduced to a sobbing puddle on the floor. They’ve stolen your power. Loss of power and control over every aspect of your life is gone and you could be on the road to depression.
And to think the unraveling began with a small drop of sweat. The good news is it also works in reverse. If you stay perfectly still between postures, everyday resisting all efforts to wipe sweat, drink water, tug at your clothes, eventually you began to feel the benefits of staying still. Realizing the sweat is your body’s natural air conditioner gives you tremendous power over temps of any degree. You begin to realize you have everything within you that you need to control your own being, your own life. You become empowered – you don’t care if it’s 100 degrees or 110 degrees. You now know that the focus and concentration to resist the sweat and water lies within you. You always have it. You carry it around. You can’t leave it home. You feel the benefit more and more each day and the heat begins to feel good as you are now able to focus and feel muscles you never knew you had stretch and flex and heal.
A powerful strength begins to build deep from within you. As you leave the studio and begin to drive home, your mind is suddenly empowered. A force takes hold and you start thinking, I can choose my food. I can choose where, when and how I want to eat it. You feel your body craving only things that are good for it because all the toxins have been released in the sweat. Your sweat doesn’t smell at all. It’s very clean. If your sweat smells, it’s the toxins in your body creating the unpleasant scent. Clean sweat, clean cells, crave good foods. Your body helps you regain power and control over what you eat.
After you’ve eaten well and put your diet back on a healthy track, you are still feeling powerful and turn to those who bring you to your knees. Your spine strengthens and you find courage in your words and deeds. You stop cowering and clinging to their ankle as they walk away. You stand up, dust yourself off, turn on your heel and march off in the opposite direction. You begin to realize you can’t live your life in their shadow. Their words and deeds cannot dictate your words and actions and eventually your feelings. You now begin to envision yourself as a person in your own right. YOU control every aspect of your life.
They say a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step – I tend to believe it also begins with a tiny drop of sweat. The postures are uncomfortable – your body doesn’t want to be there. Once you gain control of your mind over your body, you can gain control over every other aspect of your life. You take back your power. Once you have your power, it translates into joy. You realize you have the power to create your own joy. Now, sweat, food, people, – nothing can steal it.
Mmmm….maybe this is what Bikram meant when he said,”I fix your body, but I fix the screws loose in your head,too. Just come to yoga. Leave rest to me. Do your yoga everyday and you’ll be just fine.”
And so, as another day goes by, the loose screws in my head are slowly tightening, and….I have written.
December 7th, 2010 THAT statement was really brought home to me in class this morning. We had one of our new instructors, a lovely little girl who was teaching her second class ever, so naturally remembering the dialogue was difficult for her. Having taught a scripted reading program to five year olds in the past, I so knew where she was coming from. She also had trouble with her right and left while facing us, which caused a bit of confusion now and then. Being her second class, and making it through that training, I still give her big kudos.
So how did all this force me to test the real meaning of being my own guru? Everytime she got the dialogue wrong, she’d stop, rethink, and say it the right way. Good, except for the fact that when your standing on one foot, holding the other one straight out in front of you, your only solace is knowing in 30 seconds the posture will be over. Uh, not so if the instructor starts the dialogue over from the beginning. By the end of the standing series, I had already decided I would have to be my own guru today, or I’d have to leave like some others did.
It was actually a good class in many ways. First, I had to put aside what she was saying, look myself in the eye in the mirror, stay in tune with my body and breath, and do what I knew I needed to do. With a polished instructor, I don’t usually have to think at all. Today I had to draw on things I learned over the last ten weeks and voila – many poses were much improved and though she had the temp up to 115 in the room, my breathing stayed slow and normal and my heart didn’t go into “fight or flight ” mode.
Another way in which this class was positive today was that experiences with different instructors and higher temps will prepare me for different studios when I travel. I’m glad our owner brings in many different instructors so we don’t get used to just her.
We need to be our own guru outside the studio, too. Constantly making choices according to what other people say and do is like listening to “white noise” and losing focus of what you need. Sometimes we have to shut out the white noise and focus on making choices based on what would be best for our own spirit. Growing and nurturing our own energy from within us is important because if our energy is based on others actions, it is going to be erratic and disjointed causing chaos within us. Whereas if our energy is our own, generated by the needs of our minds, bodies, and spirits, it will be consistent and always available, providing for a more peaceful existence.
And so, as another day goes by, I am my own guru, and….I have written.
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