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November 26th, 2010 …no one in my family had to go back to work today, and the day spent together was priceless. Did a rockin’ 29 plus yoga class with both girls this morning – the instructor was great – cool shaved Mohawk and played awesome music and worked us out hard. Haven’t spent time with my girls since summer and I am so thankful for this time with them.
Next, hubby was home to fix us a nice lunch and the four of us spent the afternoon talking about anything and everything. Hubby went to the gym, the girls spent the time getting ready to go out with friends tonight and I sat with my glass of wine and book, good music, and Xmas tree and read while enjoying their chatter in the background as they picked out outfits and did their hair. Hubby just left to drive them to meet their friends and I sit here and realize it’s been way too long since I’ve had the opportunity to enjoy my family this way. As hubby returns, and is preparing dinner, I anticipate warm conversation and an easy evening between what some would call an “old married couple”. I call it an evening with my best friend who knows my heart and soul and actually cares about it. Another small moment, today, for me.
This, today, was my thanksgiving. This, today, was what MasterCard could never buy. Over the past year, I have learned that small moments, where nothing is spent, no grandeur takes place, is where the most precious times of my life lie. Sitting on the couch with another one of my girls on a fall afternoon for three hours, no computer or phones, The Talk, Dr.Phil, and Oprah playing on the tv, and just talking, heart to heart, is one of most precious spaces in my life that makes all I go through for them worth it. Another one of those small moments I’ll always cherish. A simple text in the middle of the day that says “I love you, mama” is all it takes to flood my heart with unconditional love. So simple, yet so complex, cause it took years to build the ability to utter that phrase. Such a small moment, such a big deal to me.
Small moments…..that’s where life really is lived, where real, unconditional love resides, and the value of our lives here on earth are realized.
And so, as another day goes by, I begin this holiday season with a new perspective, and….I have written.
November 25th, 2010 This year I am sincerely thankful for the pains in life. It’s just like in yoga – pain causes joints to pop and release, which results in healing and new life for my body parts. Pains of life are much the same. Loss of loved ones, loved ones in Iraq, the pain of losing everything and ending up homeless and starting over, recuperating from surgery or chemo,etc. all cause our hearts, minds, and bodies to pop and release and take us to a new dimension. Many times the only way to true peace is through pain. You can’t feel healing if you’ve never felt pain. Those of you that are in pain on this holiday, whether it be pain of heart or body, rest today. Wait in anticipation for the healing to begin. Be thankful for the pain, for it is a pathway to new and different and better times ahead.
Hug your children, kiss your spouse, wave to your neighbor, give a warm coat or a hot meal, and be content just where you are today.
And so, as another holiday goes by, in spite of the pain of loss, I am content and thankful right where I am today in this life, and…I have written.
November 24th, 2010 I love the word “grace”. I use it to describe alot of people and situations. It’s one of those words that has multiple meanings, all beautiful, peaceful and serene. In the dictionary it has 7 meanings as a noun and 2 as a verb. No wonder I use it so much – such a versatile word – and yes, amazing.
The hymn Amazing Grace has been a favorite of my heart since my freshman year of college. The hymn was being played the first day I met God face to face for the very first time on July 30, 1971. It has been an AMAZING journey with Him over the past 39 years. Our relationship has grown and changed and twisted and straightened out many times over all that time. God is the master of grace. For Him to have listened to me beg for everything from money to love and tell Him to go “f” himself on and off for almost 40 years, and yet he still remains by my side, blesses me with amazing friends and family, always provides “just enough” when I want millions, holds my hand in the darkest of nights when I am totally powerless to fix that which rips my heart apart, and NO MATTER WHAT I do, still loves me. That is the epitome of grace, the heart of unconditional love.
God took an 18 year old who thot she could do whatever she wants, when she wants, with whom she wants and taught her respect thru grace. Grace is in deciding not to do something out of respect and love for someone you care about. Knowing the difference between this and not doing something just to please someone else and compromise your own independence, is grace in it’s truest form. The third definition in the dictionary is “grace is a sense of propriety and consideration for others”. Now, 57, I cannot go where I want, do what I want, when I want, with whom I want, just because I’m 57. Now, “a sense of propriety and consideration for others” guide certain choices I make. When I forgo something I really want to do, it’s not self-compromise. It’s out of respect and caring for someone I love. I am secure in the fact I am free to make my own choices without having to seek permission or answer to anyone, but I defer to grace when doing so.
This is especially important inside of a marriage. Many times I felt the independence bug bite and I’d rebel against being half of a couple. I hated the feeling I couldn’t just do what I wanted to do without “asking permission”. Here is where I learned REAL grace. Realizing it was not about “asking permission”, but about respecting and caring about my spouse’s feelings, was the big turning point in retaining my independence. I still want to do whatever it is I want to do, but I view myself as a separate half of a couple and instead of “asking permission”, I bring it up for discussion and use grace to lead me in my decision making. It’s all in the attitude we approach it with, I guess, but in the end, it IS “grace that leads me home”.
And so, another late fall afternoon goes by, grace continues to amaze me, and…I have written.
November 23rd, 2010 ….appreciate home….
As another day goes by, I sit in front of my fire, appreciate the people in my life, and ….be it brief, but…I have written.
November 23rd, 2010 ..and know my heart is in the right place..
Things I Wanna Do in NY This Week:
1. Sleepover with my daughters
2. Hot Yoga in Saratoga with my daughters
3. See Burlesque
4. Thanksgiving Day with my family
5. Decorate the NY apt
6. Have coffee with my dad
7. Sit in my mom’s chair and remember her
8.Accept what I cannot change….
And another day goes by, I am with my girls for a sleepover, #1 on my list – done, and….I have written.
November 21st, 2010 Seriously, you do! Many times while writing this blog, I stop and say to myself, “Maybe I shouldn’t say this or that “. Then I think, I’m only one little person on the big Internet and who cares what I say, or for that matter who’s gonna read it.
Yesterday, my cousin, who lost her own mom way too soon 7 years ago, left me the most beautiful, heartfelt comment. Thank you, Estelle. It really made me feel much better today when I read it.
Thank you also to my many other friends who have left me comment, texts, and Facebook pm’s. My friend who kicked my ass into finally doing this said it would be easier than posting a pic a day. At the time I thought she was nuts, but it turns out she is right. It is said a picture is worth more than 1000 words, but I never seemed to be able to say it all in a pic. I need my words. I CAN write them everyday, and I thank you, my dear, dear, readers for all your support in showing me I DO have something to say. Mother Theresa said, “If you can’t feed the whole country, feed just one”. I may be one tiny person on the big Internet, but if I can provide support, comradeship, contemplation, and/or inspiration to one person, I feel my words are valuable.
As we approach this holiday season, let’s remember Mother Theresa’s words and help even just “one” have a better day.
And so, another day goes by, I am thankful for my dear friends and readers, and …I have written.
November 20th, 2010 Just saw The Last Song….
Prayer should read “God give me the FORTITUDE to accept the things I cannot change….
Serenity is the result of this journey.
Full moon in my skylight. Quiet, sad night as I contemplate the first of the holidays without my mom……
And so, as another day goes by, tough days are looming ahead next week, and, sadly, I have written…
November 19th, 2010 of Bikram yoga, the biggest change I have noticed is in my blood sugar level and food intake. For 10 years, working out 3-4 times a week, this was my eating pattern:
7am – oatmeal, coffee or tea
9am- granola bar, coffee
11:30am- peanutbutter sandwich, apple, coffee
2pm- crackers /cheese/peanutbutter/pear/, coffee
5:30pm – huge dinner
8:30pm- low fat ice-cream
12am- cereal w/milk
Now I eat:
7am- small whole grain toaster waffle w peanutbutter – tea
1:30pm- half whole grain pita w brie cheese & cucumber
6pm- chicken or fish, veg, little pasta
Now my blood sugar never plummets, I never get that sick hungry feeling, and I for the first time in 10 years I don’t have to travel around all day with a bag of food! My insulin level stays perfectly level for 24 hrs. To me, this is incredible freedom. Even my husband notices because of how many times on a trip we HAD to stop NOW and get SOMETHING or I’d get really sick to my stomach. It was almost like having a baby! Our lives revolved around when Linda had to eat next. Really. When were getting ready to leave for the day, he’d have to lay out our itinerary so I could plan my food!
It’s really really true – every system in my body has been cleansed and “fixed”. My emotions have leveled out. Anxiety is much easier to rationalize and handle. Hot flashes are gone. Feelings of fatigue and sadness are few and far between. Every week during class, my body pops or moves in new and different way and I feel things being squeezed and moved into their rightful places. My weight is being redistributed and I feel overall straighter and stronger.
It’s been an incredible ride and I have definitely decided to give up my gym membership and do this the rest of my life. I wanted something I could do when I’m 70 and this is it.
And so, another day goes by, I have made a life changing decision, and…I have written.
November 18th, 2010 As per request, I commissioned myself to look at the “how to” concerning my blog yesterday. (thank you to all who read it and seem to be on this journey with me. We’ll get there, let’s just be gentle and patient with ourselves. )
Good news – knowing “what” is 50% of the “how”. Knowing “what” you must do gives you focus. Right away your mind is engaged and half of the pushing and kicking and screaming you were doing trying to get someone to make you happy, stops. Focusing on the “knowing what” brings you to the next step of “how”. One word – visualization. Having a clear visual in your mind of anything you want to do, and revisiting it over and over, just like a diver does before leaving the board, is the next 25% of “how”. It is a concrete action and to create good habits in our body, mind, or soul, we must have a concrete action – not just a fleeting thought or idea. You need to visualize the garage door slammed down tight every single time you try to do something that you clearly know the sole purpose is to try to get someone to do something to alleviate your own pain and anger. You will stop in your tracks. You will not send that email. You will not make that phone call. Just stopping and not doing it will bring a bit of peace because you will also visualize the bloodbath you would be engaged in for hours, if not days, had you done it. Stay inside the garage. Look at your emotions and feelings. Do things that that can change only your feelings, not someone else’s. Meditate, walk, exercise, cook, work, …make a list of things that will affect only you and hang them on your garage wall where you can reach for them the minute you slam down the garage door.
I am not naive. I know this won’t make you Buddha overnight. How well aware I am of declaring THIS is the way I now will live and treat myself, feel strong in the moment, and in the middle of the night start slipping. The more you practice slamming down the garage door the moment your mind goes awry and your stomach clenches, the quicker you get at doing it, which brings me to the last %25 needed to thoroughly make the concept a useful, new, habit. The last 25% involves giving yourself 30 honest days to deal with others in this manner. It’s been proven, do anything for 30 days, it’s part of you, part of your life. After 30 days, when your mind goes down that road of acting to change another’s feeling, thought, or action, within seconds you’ll slam that door down so fast and begin looking at all the cool things you hung on your garage wall, and those things will be so much more appealing than the hours or days of fighting, arguing, vicious emailing etc. you were about to engage in, sapping all your energy, raising your blood pressure, and getting swollen eyes. When you raise that garage door and march out all equipped to change someone else so you’ll be happy, you not only raise the door, you raise your stress level and jeopardize your health. You give away your joy on a platter like a sacrificial lamb. After 30 days of slamming that door down, you won’t be so quick to sacrifice yourself.
There’s the how….at least they way I’ve gone about it. 50% – KNOW what you need to do, 25%- visualize and make it concrete, and 25% keep at it for 30 days.
(I keep my garage door rolled up in my forehead so it’s always handy.)
And so, another day goes by, I like to feel the percentages are in my favor, and ….I have written.
November 17th, 2010 So many times people do or say things to us that make us mad or hurt us. Very often in this kind of situation we miss a valuable perspective in dealing with them. Our first instinct is to try to get them to change their behavior or view so it’s in line with our own, to alleviate our anger or pain. When a relationship breaks up and a lover leaves, we go crazy trying to get them back and relieve the hurt and pain. When a family member goes against our way of thinking, we also do crazy things like have long, drawn out arguements to make our hurt or anger disappear.
What are we doing? We torture ourselves needlessly because we lose sight of one very simple concept – we cannot control another’s thoughts, views, or actions no matter how hard we try. In trying to do so, we just make the pain and/or anger worse for ourselves. The ONLY part of the altercation we CAN control is our own reactions, our part of the issue. I tell you, once you internalize this concept, every other conflict with friends, family, spouse, or lover becomes so much less stressful to work through.
Also, in trying to change or control the other person, you strip them of their autonomy and in essence, make it all about you. Sometimes we have to put down that steel garage door and let them have their views and perceptions out there in the driveway. We have to operate inside the garage, with the only person we can control – ourselves. Take our own part of the issue and deal with only our part of it, making decisions only about what we can control. Many times what another person has said or done was not wrong or hurtful. Many times it’s a decision they have made about themselves and it makes us mad or causes us to feel pain because we don’t agree with it. That part is our issue and is the only part we can deal with.
Another faux pas about making it all about ourselves is it’s easy to lose sight of what’s best for the other person if you’re trying to help them. Sometimes what we view as rushing in and helping is really better for us, but causes more problems for our loved one without us realizing it. If we are truly trying to help another person, sometimes we need to take ourselves completely out of it and focus on what would be best for them. There are times when the best way to help is to step away and do nothing, just as other times the best thing to do is rush to their rescue. How do you which is right? Put yourself in their shoes, not your own. You will be surprised the steps you will be called to walk in directions you’d never thought you’d go in. Helping really is literally, selfless.
Realizing you cannot control or change another person and being careful to not make it about you, can make you a more peaceful, less stressed individual. It’s a personal boundary we must all set and not let others cross.
And so, as another day goes by, let us learn to live and let live, and again, I have written.
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