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October 24th, 2010 The day I lost my mom I slammed a steel garage door down and effectively stopped all flow of feeling in or out of me. I pursed my lips and set about doing everything that needed to be done. My dad, my children and my brothers and sister were so vulnerable and devastated that I could not fall apart – knowing that if I let myself feel, even a little bit, I would be in worse shape than they were and would require someone to take care of ME. I couldn’t let that happen.
I kept waiting for the door to be lifted. My best friend Skyped with me the next day because she wanted to know how I was holding up. She was amazed at how incredibly fine I appeared, but she also said it would hit me eventually so don’t be surprised when I suddenly fall apart. I took comfort in that. I stopped worrying that I’m not crying and hurting uncontrollably, with my mom gone not quite 24 hours yet.
Two weeks of funeral and family and I almost had to manufacture tears to prove to people I was feeling as sad and hurt as they were. It was scary in a way – being blank inside – when I’d always imagined from when I was a child and this day would come, I just knew I wouldn’t be able to bear it. Now, the day was here, and I don’t feel any of those feelings I’d always imagined I’d feel.
After two weeks, everyone went back to their lives. My aunt went back to Florida, I went back to the Cape, my brothers and sister went back to work and my dad, poor dad, was forced to begin building a whole new way of life at 78. Everyone of them was having a hard time on a daily basis, crying and missing mom. Me? I was still without feeling, without tears. I remember driving and asking God, “What is wrong with me?” and I’d remember what my friend said, and feel better, waiting for the day my feeling would return. Surely it’ll be any day now.
Back at the cape, I’d think of mom everyday, that she’s not in her chair watching the Yankees. I was wearing her engagement ring, and would talk to it daily, but, still, one month later, no tears, no heartbreak, no feeling. I hung on to what my friend said – it will hit someday.
Today three months later, the steel garage door seemed to have rusted shut for good. Now the blankness had begun to creep into other aspects of my life. My husband and kids were “missing” me and this I couldn’t figure out. I was as present in their lives as I’d always been, but lately it seemed like they were needing me more. By now, living behind the garage door had become almost second nature, and I didn’t even think about opening it anymore – but the way my family was insisting they needed me, when all the time I didn’t go anywhere, was still bothering my brain, somewhere in the background.
Last night, I was lighting my candles, putting on music, and turned on my mister for the first time since last spring. (too humid in summer to use it) As the first drops of mist began to escape into the air, my insides shifted. Suddenly I was back in mom’s livingroom. She loved my mister so much, last fall I bought her one. She ran that thing 24/7. My father would have to refill the water every time he walked by it. He, too, knew how much she loved that thing and he faithfully cleaned it and kept it filled for her. You see, my mom was immobile and spent her life in a recliner, all day, even all night. She’d wake in the middle of the night and her mister, gently turning colors in the dark, gave her much needed comfort while the rest if us slept, and she was alone in the dark, unable to get up and move without help.
Last night, as soon I saw the colors in mine, I just pictured how very hard it must be for my dad to walk past that mister everyday, and bang, without warning my feeling returned, the garage door opened, and I have been crying on and off for the past 12 hours. I suddenly feel the heartbreak I’d imagined I’d feel when I was a child thinking of the day I’d lose my mom. Those childhood days were defining days. It was where I learned there are things in this life I will have no control over. This being the hardest lesson for a person like me, whose very life sustaining security lies in being able to control all aspects of her life. Thus, the reason the garage door was so heavy – I knew if and when it opened, it was the final surrender to knowing there will always be the inevitable, the things I have no control over.
My mom is still teaching me. Thru her passing she is preparing me for the other “inevitables” my life holds. Such as my own aging, and eventually, my own passing. My mom moved thru those phases of her life with such grace and courage to face the inevitable, that she is still my biggest role model and from the reaches of heaven, still my biggest cheerleader. I’m going to do it, mom, I’m going to walk through this final phase of my life like you did. I’m going to enjoy every minute I have with Dad and the rest of my family. I’m going to stay open and feel, even the hard feelings, and deal with life as bravely as you always did.
Thanks, mom, for still being ever present in my life today, even though you no longer sit in your chair. And, thanks, to my husband, my three girls – Erin, Ashley and Dilana (who lost her own mom, one month to the day after we lost ours) my brothers and sister, their spouses, and my niece and nephews for being here, ever present in my life and listening to me. All of YOU are now the glue that holds my world together. This holiday season won’t be easy, we will cry and remember and hurt, but let’s not forget what Mom stood for in all our lives, and let’s make Thanksgiving a tribute to the life she lived, always, for us.
And by all means, I WILL bring plenty of wine!!!!!
October 22nd, 2010 What does Bikram have for us today? Just about the best weight loss plan I have ever found! Read on:
“Bikram?” It’s a timid voice from a pretty but sadly overweight teenage blonde.
“Yes, honey….Gail is it? This is your third day right? How you doing?”
“Okay – with the exercises, that is – but I’ve put on three pounds!”
“That’s good. Means you’re working hard at poses and so have big appetite. It is very normal to gain weight the first couple of weeks.”
“But I want to lose weight, not put it on!”
“You will. Don’t fright. Yoga restores all the systems of the body to natural, optimum working order. Very evenly, gradually, your body will find the balance that nature wanted it to have, and fat is not natural. So your fat will melt away over the next couple of months. That’s all there is to it. “
Gail looks less than convinced.
“I know it sounds too good to be true, but you just talk to some of the other students after class. They will tell you. Forget diets, forget I should eat this or that and how many calories does it have. Just do honest round of yoga everyday for two months. Pretty soon, maybe third week, you gonna realize you don’t think about food as often anymore, and when you do eat, you don’t want as much as before, and the sort of food you eat will change cause your body is finding equilibrium, your glands and all your systems getting stabilized.”
“But you still probably won’t lose even a pound. You will notice instead that your clothes don’t fit the same. Cause when you are doing yoga your body is shuffling things around, taking some off here, adding it there. You can almost hear it humming to itself, it is so happy, like a sculptor with a new lump of clay. All of a sudden your friends will be congratulating you on the weight you lost when you have not lost one ounce – only inches. Then, when your body decides just exactly how it wants things to be, it will throw off weight it doesn’t have any use for, but so evenly and painlessly you will hardly know it. And when it gets to the weight that is exactly right for you, it will stop and maintain itself right there. Underweight is the same, but in reverse. And with gland problems also. Proper balance and functioning of systems will restore proper weight. “
“But some people have weight problems for neurotic reasons,” says Florette.
“Didn’t I just explain weight problems are because of improper balance and functioning of systems? I am not making jokes when I talk about fixing loose screws in brains. Your brain is nothing but a system in your body. As surely as to the spine or to the toes, yoga brings balance to the brain. Also Gail, doing yoga gives you such feelings of self-esteem that you will want to lose weight and do it easily.”
* Bikram Beginning Yoga Class, Bikram Choudhury
Sounds too easy. Too good to be true. To fix your brain and lose weight, you simply go to class everyday. No diet. No food plan. No supplements. Just go to class – which is so easy – you don’t need music, you only need one set of clothes cause they have to be washed everyday, a mat, a towel, and maybe a little water! You don’t even have to get ready to go cause you can’t put on lotions – you’ll be too slippery, you can’t put on makeup cause you’ll sweat it off by the third pose, and your hair – forget that – within 15 min you look like you went swimming – so going to class is easy!
Three weeks for me and I had to put my shorts in the dryer to shrink them and I do NOT require as much food as o did a month ago! I was used to eating six times a day and always had food on me, scared I’d get low blood sugar and sick to my stomach while out somewhere. Now? I eat at 7- noon- and 5 and don’t even need a snack at night. All the changes Bikram describes above came true for me in three weeks! The only problem I can see one having is making time to get there each day, but needing less sleep actually gives you MORE hours to your day so the 90 minutes is well worth the try!
And so, another day goes by, it’s only been 3 weeks, so the jury’s still out – but, Bikram and I have once again written!
October 22nd, 2010 Bikram fixes it all: Today’s excerpt ….
“Hey Francis, that was great! Did everyone see Francis? He got his foot all the way around his calf that time. Perfect Eagle Pose.
“How long you been doing Yoga now, Francis? Nine months? When Francis start, Terry Two, (there’s two Terrys in the class, Terry Two is a new student) his knee was totally immobile, solid like a rock. He had an operation. His doctor told him he would never bend it again, that it was medically impossible to bend it. But luckily he trusted me when I told him I could make it flexible. “
“I know all about these things, Terry Two, cause when I was still in my teens, hundreds of pounds fell on my knee and shattered it. As with Francis, the doctors were never sure I would walk normally. So I turned again to my yoga. In two months I was good as new.
“That’s what yoga is about, Terry Two. Yoga makes things that seem impossible possible. You do magic without being magician. Right now you are watching your classmates and thinking it is impossible that you will ever do the poses like they do them. But you have only to listen to me and make pact to really try. Two months of yoga everyday and you will be as good as the best student here. What I mean by that is you will be in the most tip top health YOU can be in. Anything chronic wrong with you – overweight, arthritis, bad back, old age, dandruff – yoga will fix it. If you want to pray to your God so he help too, that’s okay. But better you save him for some really big problem. You don’t need him for any of these little things, all you need is me and yourself and yoga. Besides, there is a twelve and a half hour time difference, so he doesn’t always hear.
“Do you know what yoga means? Yoga is union of body and mind. It is discipline that brings together physical with mental, spiritual and even sexual. Yoga is totally positive thing. With yoga you add to yourself and thus to the world. And so, when you do this Hatha Yoga, all the screws loose in your brain – which is always human beings worst chronic problem – get fixed too. Because brain is just another physical system of the body.
“You see, Terry Two, while you do yoga is the one time, Terry Two, maybe first time in your life, when you absolutely and totally forget everything else: what you have to do at home, the pain in your toe, the fight you had with the boss, the test you have to take, the bills, the anything. Whatever problem or pain you come here with, in 5 minutes I give you so much else to think about you forget you even got it.
“You see how I never stop talking? That is so I keep your mind right here in this room. And I make you keep your eyes open all the time so your mind cannot wander off. All you come in with – pain, anxiety, sadness, trouble – you leave it at the door. And for the time you do yoga you escape into yourself where there is peace and rest.
“Right now you got perspiration rolling off you, your muscles are stretched farther than they ever thought they could, your shoulders are drooping cause you think you are tired – and you think I’m crazy to sit here and tell you that you are enjoying peace and rest inside yourself. Answer me one thing, how many of your daily problems or anxieties have you thought about since we started our class?
“You don’t have to answer. I know. And Soon you will begin to understand why there are eight kinds of yoga and why I say you cannot begin to know spiritual until you can control the physical. You will know why I say these so-called gurus, who start beginners right off in meditation, do not know what they are doing, or don’t care. Minds cannot meditate when they are filled with bats and cobwebs and screws loose, and housed in junk bodies. Anyone who tries to meditate before all the body and mind are swept out and shining and oiled and no screws rattling, that person is just kidding himself and getting battier.
“It takes courage and intelligence, you know, to do the stages of yoga right, and to start with this Hatha Yoga. Yoga takes more courage than any physical activity in the world. You are not kicking, throwing, or clubbing some little ball, or bird or puck or whatever. You are not locomoting headlong through water, or over ice, or turf, or a stage. You’re not swinging, climbing, leaping, hopping, hanging, spinning, diving, or pedaling – or anything extraneous of yourself or with an outward direction. It’s just you and nothing but you, standing in one spot frozen like statue with no place to go for help or excuse or scapegoat except inward.
“Maybe it’s a little bit frightening at first to have no help except what’s inside you, Terry Two. But don’t frighten, don’t scare. It is so peaceful in there, so good for your mind and your body to forget the outside world for this time you do yoga.
“You hear my words now, but I know you don’t understand them yet. That’s okay. You got to feel the understanding happening in yourself, like a flower unfolding, to understand.
“The first thing you will probably notice is, you begin to look forward to each day’s yoga like it is a cool oasis ending hard ride over the desert, not some terrible task. Your problems won’t seem so bad, because you know you will be able to forget them for awhile during yoga. And at the end of yoga you won’t be half so angry or depressed or anxious or tired as when you started. Solutions to problems will suddenly be there, and you’ll be seeing things in a beautiful perspective. You’ll start smiling at people instead of biting their heads off, and new problems won’t scare you. And you will begin to sleep good. Then pretty soon you’ll start waking earlier- wide awake, your mind purring like a happy cat, your body full of strength and energy. You will accomplish all sorts of things before the sun is up and continue through the day working more efficiently with body and mind than ever before.
“Then you will begin to understand what I meant when I tell you that this Hatha Yoga will tighten the screws loose in your brain and give you new life. It all happens inside of you, and you do it to yourself, Terry Two. You don’t need me in front of you barking instructions. All you need are the words I give you here and your own honest effort.”
*Bikram Beginning Yoga Class, Bikram Choudhury
Well – there you have it. The secret to a healthy body and mind, the fountain of youth, and the cure for insomnia, all in 90 minutes a day. And….I found all of this to be true after only three weeks, and BEFORE reading this book! I said weeks ago I felt like my mind takes a 90 minute vacation everyday. I get up at 6 naturally instead of dragging myself out of bed at 8 am. I stay up til midnight writing (it’s 12:06 now) and accomplishing things. And I sleep straight through the night – no more waking at 3am to watch HGTV! Today I was faced with a new, big problem and handled it MUCH better than I would’ve a month ago. Physically I have NO more aches n pains in joints AND my hairdresser wanted to know what I was doing cause I looked so good yesterday when I went for a haircut! What can I say – magic without being a magician!
So as another day goes by, life as a yogi looks and feels pretty good so far, and Bikram and I have once again, written…
PS- Is he not hilarious? Haha!
October 20th, 2010 “Maybe you don’t think you’re so bad off. Just a little out of shape. Maybe worse. You have no energy and can’t climb the stairs without huffing and puffing. You’ve tried to exercise – aerobics, swimming, weight training, stair climbing. You’ve played tennis and many other sports. You’ve used machines for your legs, back, arms, and abdomen, and still nothing works. When you do sports you are hammering your body in a cold environment and you harm the body. First you destroy your skeletal system, then you destroy your nervous system, then you destroy all the tendons and ligaments, then the veins and muscles. Everything you have tried fails you. You are not the failure, your system is. Exercise doesn’t work. When you do your exercise you only exercise 3% to 10% of your body, besides the damage that you do. When you do my beginning yoga class, you exercise 100% of your body from the bone to the skin, from the head to the toes, to every gland and organ of the body, to every cell, even to tiny tissues. You have been looking in the wrong places. Now with this book you are looking in the right place.
What you are looking for is yoga. You are looking for my beginning yoga class. Yoga is the only exercise on this planet from which you gain energy instead of burning energy. Yoga maintains youth long. It keeps the body full of vitality, immune to diseases, even at old age. The yogi never becomes old. Yogis achieve the supernatural power.”
*Bikram’s Beginning Yoga Class, Bikram Choudhury.
Upon reading this yesterday, I was intrigued because of something I had been thinking about the exercise class I used to attend at my gym. Before doing the yoga, I had begun thinking that maybe all this “battering of my body,” even though I could do it, wasn’t really good for me. I especially thought this the day after I toppled over onto the the tractor tire and had two huge bruises across my thighs. Now, I am no spring chicken and I need to do things each day to take care of myself for future preservation, not undermine my body systems so they’ll fail me when I can no longer do these classes. That’s why Bikram’s book is fascinating me. I love that he says:
“It’s never too late, it’s never too bad, you’re never too old, you’re never too sick to start from scratch once again, to be born once again”.
The agelessness of the yoga practice amazes me. That the practice is for any age, any physical condition – and it heals both the physical and emotional problems we experience. It’s almost magical. This is my third week of practice (after being away last week) so I am watching and listening to my body. My previous blogs tell of my experiences before reading this book. Now, after doing this and then reading the book, I just find myself saying in my mind as I read, “yes, yes, that’s exactly what happens”. I suggest you get this book. Not only is Bikram hilarious, but you will be amazed at how the secret of youth and aging well is so simple.
Another day goes by, and again, Bikram and I have written….
Tomorrow: “I tighten all the loose screws in your head”. 🙂
October 19th, 2010 “What is your problem? What are you looking for? Maybe you have a chronic disease like heart disease, diabetes, hypertension, kidney disease, a glandular disorder, Parkinson’s, or another neurological disorder. You could have respiratory, digestive, or spinal problems, or arthritis. There are too many things that go wrong to list here. Perhaps you are not happy. You are yelling at the kids, angry all the time, depressed, anxious, or afraid. You’re overweight and every time you lose weight you end up gaining more. You seek peace for yourself and the chaotic world you live in. You have problems and don’t know what to do. You’ve tried medication and found that it doesn’t work. First you take the medication for your problem, then you develop another problem because the medicine you take causes side effects. Now you have two problems and your medicine chest is filling up fast. My guru said that stress and strain are the causes of all chronic diseases, even infectious ones. My beginning Yoga class is the great stress-buster.
What about surgery? Suppose you have an operation for a herniated disc. You solve 5% of the problem, but then you create a new problem. The surgery often takes more away from you than the problem you had to begin with. Surgery doesn’t work. Still you are looking to solve your problem. In India, we know where medical science stops, yoga science begins.”
I bought a used copy of Bikram’s Beginning Yoga class for $5 on Amazon because a guy in my class said I should read the book because Bikram is hilarious in it, plus he makes alot of sense. I just gave you the very beginning of the introduction to the book. That part alone was enough to get me interested. I have always been a believer of only feeding our bodies pure food, not processed, and we’d get sick alot less and take waaay less pills. I have always believed stress is the cause of all diseases, even cancer. The body can’t bend under the stress anymore and the disease takes hold. You can then see how Bikram’s book intrigues me. If you think just this part on disease is interesting, tomorrow I will give you the part about exercise. How many of you are hurting yourself and wearing yourself out long before your time, while thinking all along you were doing something good and healthy for your body? I was. I’m thankful to my daughters for stopping me. Stay tuned tomorrow for some amazing info on exercise.
As another day goes by, I pick up my book to read further, and…again …me and Bikram have written!
October 18th, 2010 Back home, back to my own bed and bath, and back to Bikram. Ahhh, back to basics. There is something to be said for the mundane routines that drive our daily life. They give it rhythm and in times of chaos, ground us, and in times of calmness give us small moments to be thankful for.
Today, as I slip on my old routine like an old worn out hoodie, I bask in the softness of my day. Before I retired, I always used to say the thing I couldn’t wait for was not having a routine. No one telling me I had to be someplace between 8 and 3. For the past year I really forced myself to enjoy my long awaited freedom. I even told myself I was happy – but I remember many days where I’d ask myself “why can’t you just relax and enjoy this?” I thot maybe I’d like a job, but that time thing still repelled me. Then I discovered the yoga. It is a place I tell myself I must go to, so I haven’t lost the freedom of choice, but the impact of having a morning routine that is the same everyday crept up on me. After being away all last week and waking up and going to yoga today, suddenly I felt the happiness I’d been craving and forcing for a year now. At first I thot it was the yoga itself repairing my spirit, but I really think it’s the sameness of a 7 to noon routine, Monday thru Friday, back in my life that creates the joy I felt today. Funny how the very thing I didn’t want turns out to be the very thing I need.
Yes, there is something good to be said about basics – don’t skip over them or view them as boring. Let the basics of your day offer you familiarity and security. Appreciate the sameness of your drive to work each day, the smell of the coffee you stop for, the steps you walk up into the building, for when these simple things are gone, your world begins to wobble a little and you could get a bit seasick. I always believed it’s the tiny things we do daily that have the greatest impact on our life – once again I find that true.
And so, another day goes by, I am secure in my basics, and…I have written.
October 6th, 2010 Today is my last posting on Another Day Goes By. For the next 10 days I will still be writing everyday, but it will be in my other blog “From Behind the Wheel” as I embark on an east coast tour with my musician friend, Dilana.
Please go to www.dilanarocks.com and click on blog to follow us on our journey. Those of you that are fans/friends of Dilana know she’s good for at least one good story a day! I am her personal assistant and will be bringing you the behind the scene scoop from where I sit, Behind the Wheel, as I am also the driver, merchmaid, and tour manager.
See you on the road, as another day goes by, and …I have written.
October 5th, 2010 Day 10 of my ten day challenge ended up with me ending my gym membership and committing to 52 weeks of Bikram yoga. At the end of class, feeling great, I motor around the corner to my new favorite coffee shop in the quaint general store. Mmmm…. on this cold, windy, rainy cape day, the French vanilla coffee smelled wonderful. As I made my cup just how I like it, I was thinking how nice this is going to be on a cold winter morning. I paid for my coffee, chatted with the clerk a bit, then went back out in the rain and got in the car. As I started the car, again I was smelling the coffee and thinking hot yoga and great coffee are going to make my mornings very pleasant this year, and how great to be fit and healthy from something I enjoy. I pulled out of the parking lot and headed toward home. Drinking my coffee and slowly driving down 6 A, I got half way home and suddenly realized I did not take out my phone and check my messages and Facebook. I would never forget this. Even at my new coffee shop, I would come out to the car and spend 10 minutes on my phone before driving home. At first I felt anxious, but then feeling so calm and relaxed from yoga, I realized this was a good thing. I continued to drive home feeling really glad that I could leave the world behind for a couple hours without even realizing it. Again, I saw the benefits of my new sport kicking in without me even trying.
Arriving home with a well-toned body, a calmer mind, and a softer aura, another day goes by, and….I have written.
October 4th, 2010 Today my heart speaks thru music. This song says it all…….
Download 05 The Hardest Part of Love
October 3rd, 2010 This week brings new explorations for me. I am the driver, merchmaid, and tour manager for my musician friend, Dilana, on her east coast college tour. I'm a new "roadie", so I want to prepare and be ready to hit the road on Friday. I plan to attend my hot yoga for the next 5 days straight, to be in great shape to sit and drive long distances and haul luggage and guitars. (I have pretty much decided that I am going to give up my gym membership and do the yoga everday Monday – Friday and take the weekends off) I am going spend the rest of my time this week packing and arranging my paperwork, schedules, and driving directions and making lists for my daily duties. I am excited to be able to do this for my dear friend and I want to make it possible for her not to have to worry about anything but resting and performing.
I will be blogging the tour daily from another blog of mine, From Behind the Wheel. This blog can be found at www.dilanarocks.com with the tour schedule, should any of you want to come out and see an amazing artist put on an amazing show.
Jumping out of airplanes as another day goes by, and … I have written.
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